ADDICTED TO HIS TOXIC LOVE

“I feel really terrible.” It’s like everything is coming to a close in my mind. Just a moment ago, I was used to being with my favorite person, with no trace of doubt about what I could do. The joy of intimacy, not to mention the fun s*x time. “What else can I ask for?” But now, I will have to cut all of that off. My chest feels very tight right now. Breathing freely suddenly feels like the greatest gift I could get. I’ve heard that love is the most painful and costly thing on earth. How can two strangers, with no background or prior attachment, suddenly begin to live as though, without each other, the world would end? Although the lucky ones get to have a happy ending while some beautiful love storylines begin to change into something worse than what existed at the beginning. The two people who could barely leave together suddenly become strangers once again but this time around with so much hatred. “Who knows? Maybe that is life returning order and bringing things back to default, where it all started from.” Maybe love is just not true, or just maybe it is over rated. “All I ever did wrong was love someone.” The struggles and pain I've had to face from time past in my first ever relationship. Having no one to guide or teach me I gave it my all. My heart aches. I pray I can survive this night. Because if I do then I won't die of pain or heart break or what should I call all this mess now? With confusion looming over my face as I sat on my bed looking at myself from the mirror. The fuzzy feeling in my head, the confusion, the loss of appetite. “Gosh”. I felt life was not worth living at that point, when every word I said was constantly misunderstood and I was tagged as a narcissist and a manipulative person countless times. The thought of love scared me so much that it replaced my phobia of heights. ……….…………………… “No, no, no. You can’t cry. Stop it.” Before she sees you as a weak man. You've done this before and you were tagged a weak man I told myself. “Nobody wants a man with tears in his eyes.” Not someone like Becca, Becca would give up food for books, Becca would steal books even though she would never and can never steal any other thing but “books”? She would be glad to steal them, especially a romantic book, any novel at all that looks like it has romance. She must get it once her eyes have seen it. and the more she reads the more fantasy and the more she romanticizes the” perfect” male characters in those books. She has never stopped talking about the male characters and their masculine “energy.” The first day we had a lengthy conversation she quickly brought me to speed with her book characters. If we spoke for 3hours, then two hours twenty minutes would be her talking about male characters from books she's read. “I love their energy and their way of leadership. It really drives me crazy. They know what they want and are rock-hard until they get it.i feel like all men should be like that. You shouldn't be called a man without a broad chest and abs I mean. Gosh As she rolled her eyes to the back, lifting up her hand to gesticulate. Talking about those books and the male characters seems to be like finally we were seated in her life. “Apparently” “He must have muscles, at least. But most fascinating are shredded muscles, so I can trace his veins when lying down on his chest while I feel his heartbeat. “Yes! Also, he must be very tall, dark, and handsome. He must be rich and ready to spend on me.” “This might be really weird and hard to digest by you.” She rolled her eyes to the back again. This time around she looked away from me as her voice dimmed into a whisper then she let out a sigh, then gave me a glance before returning her gaze to oblivion as she continued. “He must not have my time always.” A little pause followed that clause. “He must not have your time always.” Those words sat heavily, as though the weight of the world was presently on my shoulders to bear. “Here I am, giving you all my—” While I was still lost in my thoughts, she continued. “I like to do the chasing, not the other way round.” Another nail to my heart. I mean someone who is not forming an activity but is fully booked with activity, someone just me alone could get him to squeeze out a little from his busy schedule. “Someone who is not so good a person.” Cringing, she said it as she squeezed herself together and then looked at me as if to say she was afraid or not so proud of what she was saying. I mean, someone who is tagged… “Toxic.” not a woman beater just “Toxic”. “You know, I never told anyone this, but the truth is, I thrive in toxic spaces. “Never have I had romance before s*x. In my past relationships, it was always a case of whenever he wanted me, he came, and I gave myself to him.” “It was painful.” Yes of course it was so painful not until I ended the relationship I never had a day without pain. Either in pain from s*x as a result of dryness down there or I'm in one emotional chaos caused by the same person. “He penetrates me even when I am not wet, and that hurts a lot, but at the same time, it is very interesting. “Pain is gain, they say, right?” “Especially when he gets to spank my ass so hard that his handprints are properly marked on my Ass. “That's toxic, and more.” She said the last words in an emotionless tone. “Conventional things are and can easily get boring to me.” “For example, s*x on the bed.” “There is the kitchen slab, or the bathroom, or the floor of the living room. Those are not forbidden, are they?” She asked with such life and enthusiasm all over her face. For a moment, I hesitated to give a response. In a swift turn, she looked at me with a smile. “My safe space.” she called. That's her name for me. A wide smile engulfed my face uncontrollably. At the same time, the tension and tears that had gathered in my eyes all along were about to fall. It was becoming a whole lot to control. I managed to quickly stand up. “Hey, stop teasing me.” I replied as I walked to her bathroom trying to gain control of my emotions. “not at all.” Not at all what? Why are you running from my story? Are you bored already? Her voice teasing as if she wanted to cry. No not all you asked if s*x in other places was forbidden and I said no not at all. As I walked back and sat where I was seated. She became even more drawn to telling me more of the same things that were hurting me so badly. She leaned forward as she sat on one of her legs while the other was touching the floor. “Take this from me, " she continued "I know you have your preferences, even though I know you’ve never had a good working relationship before. My candid advice? s*x can become so boring. From my experience in relationships, variety is the spice of life. Take this from me.” She let out a sigh of relief as she stood up from her bed. Standing above me “So, what can I get you? I’ve got pizza and some cold juice in the fridge. Or is everything fine?” She smiled, clearly oblivious to whatever I had been feeling. “Yes, anything is perfect,” I replied, my head faced down and with pain in my heart as I processed our conversation in my head. As she stepped into her kitchen, I looked up and stared straight at the kitchen door as if I was looking at her. For a moment, I went blank. Reality ceased to exist at that moment. All I had in me were my thoughts and my pain. Obviously, she couldn’t be mine.