being selfless to others can be selfish to yourself

Dear diary  Yes, my life is screwed up and again the reasons are my parents. Before this they had taken my childhood and discovered me the ‘broken child’, now they are ready to take over my dream, career and everything I crave for!! I don’t know what to do, all I wanted was to go away from them and never come.  I think they just got some of the ideas in my head that is why they don’t want to send me away, I think they know that if I go now I am gone forever. Thing is that I can’t hate them. It's so natural, they are god damn parents but guess what they started making me hate myself for loving them and not giving upon them. Thing is they know a lot about me and one thing they know from very starting is that they lost their happy child year ago, all they left with the bloody body with deep skin and restless bones.  Thing is when seeing your old diaries where you have written your scares is something that makes vulnerable for a bit, life is hard and sometimes some scares never leave they are kinda permanent .being a teenager is hard because its a hell excited, different and at the same time scary, I tell you the thing we teenagers are been treated like little children and at the same time everybody wants us to behave like adults. So we have a habit of being pampered as kids and at the same time, we have to behave maturely because if we won't do that then, we are crazy little psychopaths. Being a teenager is tough for every teenager but its hell bad, being a teenager in India. Indian seriously test your nerves. It all started after my 12th  board exams. Finally, my school was ending, I was very happy, all I wanted to leave my little town Dehradun which is the state Uttarakhand.  I planned that the day after my board exam I’m gonna leave the house ...It's not like changing my residence forever but it's more likely to go somewhere and stay away from me a little so that I won't be able to see my parents. I went to my Nani’s house [grandmother]. I stayed for the next 3 months and I didn’t attend any calls or messages from my mom’s dad and my elder brother. It wasn’t the thing I was mad about, it just I want to erase them from my life for some time. I never tried to think why I want to do that but I did ignore them. After those 3 months, it's time for me to go back and tell them about my future plans. I got ready to tell them that I want to go to Kota for medical entrance exam preparation and after that wherever that exam result takes me to. I never told them about my dream of AFMC[Armed forces medical college]. It's actually that dream of mine which forces me to come out of my numbness and start living the world by changing my focus from everything bad in my life to the good side of things. “I was in 8th standard when I started living this dream of mine. It gave me the power to fight with myself and to get over some shitty things which happened and start something that will give me hopes to live and protect me to come out of the stage of “LIVING DEAD BODY”.Bodies without dreams and ambitions, which do not live in the physical world. They have their own imaginary world which is guarded against reality because somewhere they can’t deal with the grief that reality is offering you. All you want is to drown yourself deeper and deeper into that imaginary world. Truly I was part of that very world. The one incident just ended up changing everything in my life. I think it was God's will for me to live my life. It was just the end of the session, the month of December 2014. It was Friday of the last week of the month. I was in APS[Army public   School], Dagashi. Hence as every school, we had the annual medical checkup for the student. That day it was the turn of my class We went to the audiovisual room, and one by one all the students were going inside. Army nurses and other officers, the complete medical team was inside the room, which was checking the eyesight, ears, throat, and BMI. So that they can write remarks on the medical report. After getting their remarks we had gone to the adjacent room where one ARMY LADY DOCTOR was counselling the students according to the medical report by the staff. I remember standing in line outside her room and after five students she called my name, I went inside. I stuck for the moment near the door when I saw her, she was looking so beautiful, classy and at the same time very intelligent. Most of all I was attractive not towards the face of the lady but the DRESS, it was beautiful. She didn’t do any makeup but then also she was looking to miss world to me not with a crown but with the dress, dress which is actually an honour to wear. She called my name again, this time I came back to the real world and started moving towards her. I wished her good morning and she replied to me good morning with a beautiful smile. I asked for permission to sit while allowing me to sit and she opened my medical reports. All I can do is stare at her. She asked me some questions related to my eyesight and asked me to visit the military hospital with my mother so that they can check my eyes properly because they were finding my eyes suffering from myopia. Whatever she was telling me I don't remember but all I had in my memories was that I couldn’t stop myself from looking at her and smiling. After that day, my vacations are about to start, I already gave my final exams as we had winter closing in our school. In complete vacations, I just imagined myself in that dress. This is how it all started and it was the first time that I was imagining something for me, not for any other person. Because before that I used to imagine a happy family. All I wanted in my family, who don't fight and take care of each other, just like Bollywood family movies of the 90s .it's actually funny to imagine our family-like “hum Saath Saath Hain “or “hum apke hai kon” you can also take”vivah”.I’m actually not talking about the storyline but the family, the way these movies made us think about family in dramatically no one can do that”. I wanted to take the first step to complete my dream. I told them that I wanted to go, Kota, for the preparation of the national entrance eligibility test[NEET]. But they end up saying no to my plans by telling lies to me. They give me plenty of reasons to convince me of their thinking. -We don't want you to pressurize with so hard studies you can go for normal graduation in sciences. -Its really very tough exam and chances of clearing it are less than that of 20% -We really can’t afford the private coaching for the next complete year. This the thing about indian parents they want their kids to be in certain way ,and they literally push their lives according to their comfartzone.They won't allow their young kid of age eighteen to take her life decision . I could have taken all reasonable statements which were given by them and can work my ass off to prove them wrong but the last statement put me into tears. I was well aware of the fact they are telling a lie because we were never weak financially, but it did break my heart very badly because I couldn’t even imagine they could tell me such reasons. It put me into silence and I went to my room. Suddenly my whole world again collapsed. All I can see myself in darkness and sinking myself deeper and deeper in grief from where it was getting harder for me to breathe. I wasn't able to breathe, I was actually going through my 5th panic attack of that year. Before this, I had situations in which I freaked out and all that happened with me in that situation is that I won't be able to breathe. I remember the previous one to this was the night before my chemistry exam, again the reason was my parents. They were fighting horribly and I was again in between them. Instead of studying the whole night, I was somewhere as. I really prepared well for my chemistry exam but ended up scoring average marks in that exam. I am not blaming anyone that because of them I wasn't able to study, it's nothing to do with them. Because I believe we can’t give excuses for our actions and yes it was my fault that I didn’t revise my syllabus. Every time whenever I had these panic attacks always the reason was my parents. That moment when you are suffering from this restlessness all you can think of is oxygen[O2]. I was in a dark cold place which was not less than that of the graveyard. All these things are going on for one long hour more like an immortal hour. After that I slowly made myself calm down to breathe normally. The moment I started feeling a little better, I went out of my room for fresh air. I wanted to go out of my house for a moment because it’s suffocating for me to stay there. The moment I went out of the room I saw the three faces looking at me like idiots. Those were my mom, dad and elder brother, sitting on the couch with a complete comfort zone with queries on their faces. I didn’t talk to them, it’s more convincing to behave like that they are invisible to me.  I went out for a walk, it's like a never-ending walk for me,4 hours I was walking in the woods, nearby parks still don't want to go back. But we can't forget where we are living, the world which is still really insecure for the girls to roam freely during night times, and who knows better than me. It was the first time I didn't fear going out of my home alone, maybe I just couldn't really think about it. I ended up going back to my house, I went to my room. I actually didn’t have any tears left in my eyes to shed, and the energy to cry the whole night although I wanted to. I just stay awake the whole night thinking and thinking. The next morning I got out of my bed and straight away went towards mom, I told her that I wanted to go back to Nani’s house[grandmother's house]. She said no to that also. Now, this thing is making me angry so I replied to her ‘that’s completely okay with me, you don’t want to go. I will go by myself moreover I also don’t want your people. I went inside the room and started packing everything. Suddenly my dad came inside the room.  ABHIJEET[DAD]- HEY!!Good morning RIVA-YEAH NOW WHAT!! ABHIJEET-I think I said good morning RIVA-GOOD MORNING TO YOU BUT IT’S TURNING  BAD TO ME!![with exasperation] THANK YOU TO YOU ….. ABHIJEET- What’s wrong??[with the muddled face] RIVA-Why are you guys doing this to me ?? What I did wrong to you people??[with outrage] ABHIJEET-Whats wrong with you Riva ?? Are you still mad at yesterday’s discussion !! RIVA-YES DAD I AM MAD !! IAM MAD ON THIS FACT THAT I AM YOUR DAUGHTER ...I AM SO MAD THAT YOU ARE MY DAD AND MOM IS MY MOM!! TELL ME CAN YOU CHANGE THIS?? TELL ME !! TELL ME[screaming in anger] ABHIJEET -OOH GOD RIVA, god help you !![heavy voice] He went outside with the grief in his face, I was being a jerk to him. A  jerk seriously!! I literally feel guilty till now because he was trying to be nice and came in my room to cheer me up, and what I did !! I  still can’t get out that guiltiness for lying to him about how embarrassed I am to be his daughter. But actually I was never embarrassed and why would any daughter be? But the thing is it’s all in my head, because when you tell yourself that you don’t matter we often do terrible things to ourselves and to others who are important to us. I forgot to tell myself that time about how these things work in your life. When you hold yourself accountable in any situation, everything changes for good. When we know what we do and for whom we matter, we often take responsibility for loving, supporting and taking care of ourselves and of others too for whom we matter. It’s very simple that if we don’t want anyone from our loved ones to behave like a jerk to us, then who we are to be for them. But most of all we actually don’t give ourselves the importance of being loved by anyone.   I was quite guilty for my words but I was still cold from inside and as well as from outside so I didn’t go out from my room to say sorry to him and till this time, I still didn’t say sorry for my harsh words. The moment he left my room all I could do was to fall on my knees, the complete room was quiet and I was too. I remember resting my back on the footboard of the bed. I was there till the time I had a knock on the door. I don’t know what I was thinking but I wasn't able to hear the knock twice. Somehow I was able to listen to the third one. I suddenly came back to the real world and I put myself back on my feet. I opened the door, it was Vivaan. VIVAAN- HEY!! We are going to Nani’s house, mom & dad are asking are you ready? RIVA-may is in five minutes. VIVAAN- OKAY! Then make it quick, we are about to leave.      RIVA- YEAH!! After talking to me he went towards the hall and I again closed the door. Packing was done just I had to change clothes but I was in such a hurry to go to naani’s house, so I just looked at myself in the mirror and said ‘perfect’. I didn’t change my clothes and went outside the room with my luggage.  I went outside with luggage and again they were staring at me, I wasn't able to see in the eyes of them. ADAHA-Are you gonna come in these clothes. I looked at myself in the mirror which was in the hall and while watching myself I said that it's okay if I wear this. VIVAAN-NO WAY! You are not gonna wear this, you are grown up now Riva. Take care of yourself. ADAHA-HEY!!Who the hell are you Vivaan to tell her what to wear and how to take care of herself, I think she can take care of herself and her clothes. VIVAAN-WHATEVER mom!! ADAHA-Are you ready RIMU[to riva] RIVA-Yesss!! While my mom and Vivaan were talking, dad was sitting on one side of the couch and thinking something very serious. Suddenly mom called dad, he didn’t listen to her on the first call. After that Vivaan puts his hand over dad’s shoulder, he suddenly comes to the real world. VIVAAN- HEY!!! Dad are you alright?? you seem tense. ABHIJEET-No!! I am okay, you all ready then let’s go We all sat in the car and journey to naani’s house started, in a complete journey I didn’t speak a word. Even my dad was quiet, mom was listening to music and my brother too. So we reached naani’s house after the 4 hours of travel.I was thinking about all the things ,what I said to dadIt’s a part of daily routine, I used to be in between mom & dad with the fear of getting hurt by him. But I cannot even run from there like my elder brother used to hide under the bed, I always have a fear that he will hurt mom so for her, I used to hide my scarred face and act like a fearless person. My mom is a soft lady and she is not at all strong emotionally. She can’t even see us going through the pain of injection, she `is like a child. It’s more like me telling her to be okay, don’t cry !!  She is a very innocent human who can’t handle all this alone. That time I have to act strong for her, that she should never feel that “something very wrong is happening around her” I never wanted her to give up emotionally and have those breakdowns. Most of all she used to have but at that time, I used to be her emotional support by telling her that it’s okay mom. Sometimes I find it very funny but at the same time feel proud of myself that being a girl of 8 year, I was capable of showing the maturity of the 18-year girl but now I am a really 18-year girl but I’m NOT even capable of a single breakdown. Sometimes I feel helpless for feeling this way but the pain and emptiness don’t leave me, all I can do is to hide always. I don’t want to go out of my room and stay there forever until I am feeling like this because I have a big fear of showing my real emotions to people sometimes there is a time when I couldn’t handle and burst into tears and that is the worst of all I can have because that moment I have to tell reason to other people for my tears. I try to act innocent and soft girl that time so they can have this in their minds that I can cry on very small problems like my favorite slipper is turned out in pieces by the dog, not able to learn my favorite dance step or my biology teacher is seriously a b***h and always taunt me. I can cry on these excuses in front of them but, in reality, they were never an issue for me. I never forget to have a big smile on my face because this way I can hide my sad face.