North Star

Chapter 12: Settling In

Monday morning brings the start of the new term, and the campus comes to life in a way it hadn’t yet over the weekend. All of the “Luxxies” (what Heloise and the other boarders call the local Luxembourgish students, who live off-campus at home with their families) return to school and descend on the university grounds, packing the lecture halls. 

The philosophy department is where I expect to spend most of my time while studying here, and it doesn’t disappoint - it’s every bit as old and magical as I expected, all rough hewn old stone and grand balconies and green shaded courtyards. I meet my tutor, Matheo - a short, stocky fourth year student from Switzerland, with an edgy Punk fashion sense - and my ‘tut mates’, a diverse group of other second year philosophy students.

Matheo’s is not at all what I expected. When I think of the typical fourth year philosophy student, I picture a neat and tidy appearance, possibly with reading glasses, a black polo neck and sensible style. In short - someone who looks safe, and maybe a little boring. Matheo is none of these things - his spiked hair is dyed bright pink and his arms and legs are covered in sleeve tattoos - with a tiger on his shoulder and roses and ocean waves all tangled together - and his earlobes have more metal than skin showing. He’s someone that my Mom and my Papa, and probably my grandparents on both sides, would give a sideways glance to and avoid on the street. 

Despite his hardcore appearance, he’s super smart, and an excellent tutor. 

Besides the tutorial sessions with Matheo every other day, I also attend lectures in the Grand Hall.

The philosophy department is only a short five minute walk from Marie-Adélaïde House, and right next door to the drama department, so Heloise and I get into the habit of walking to and from lectures together, and back to the dining hall at midday every day for lunch with her friends - who are quickly becoming my friends, too. 

Despite my initial shyness and apprehension, everyone is so open and friendly that I can’t help but gradually let my guard down. 

Maybe it’s because we are all from different parts of the world - Hannah’s from Bristol in the United Kingdom, sweet and bookish Mahalia’s from Manila in the Philippines, fun-loving Lukas is from Germany and Heloise and Aamira are both from France (although Aamira, like me, is originally from Africa - she told me all about how her family escaped war torn Sudan when she was just a child). In this way we are all outsiders, which means that in our little group, none of us are outsiders - we all belong in some way. 

To my slight irritation, Lukas still flirts with me most of the time, but now I understand that it’s just his way of socialising. He’s always playing the class clown, the jester, and most of what he says or does shouldn’t be taken seriously.

I’m also starting to understand what it is that Heloise sees in him. Underneath the mask of the joker, there’s a sensitive soul, a wounded heart. I really hope that her plan to get closer to him by joining the hiking club will work. When he’s in a big group with our friends (especially if his best friend, and Aamira’s boyfriend, Étienne is there), he’s putting on an act the whole time, trying to entertain us all. He probably does it because deep down he thinks that’s the only thing he has to offer. He’ll avoid anything serious, and although he’s fun to be around, it can also get sort of exhausting. It’s only on the rare occasion that one gets him on his own, away from an “audience”, that the real Lukas comes out. That’s the Lukas that Heloise wants - the sincere, kind, serious, Lukas that no one else sees. 

I really hope the plan works and I can help her win him over.

The plan, in a nutshell, is that in three week’s time at the Hiking Club’s first hike of the year, Heloise and I will hang out with Lukas at the start, and I’ll find an excuse to leave them alone after a while. She says that at some point on this hike, or the next, she’ll admit her feelings to him - out in nature under a beautiful tree, or maybe overlooking a lake or on a riverbank. There’ve been a few times last year when she managed to get him alone on nights out with their friends, but she didn’t want to pour out her heart to him at some dingy student bar, surrounded by noise and drunk people. 

She wants the moment to be perfect, and I get that. I’ll do whatever I need to help her make it happen. Luckily, it shouldn’t be too hard to get him alone.

Often on hikes, even though everyone’s walking in a big group, people tend to split off into smaller groups of two or three. Heloise is going to make sure that she gets to spend most of that three hour hike with Lukas, waiting for the right time to tell him how she really feels, and I’m totally happy to tag along behind as the third wheel.

That’s all I ever am, and that actually sort of suits me. Romance and dating, love and relationships, all of that… it’s something I think I want, but whenever I try to think about it too deeply, or even try to imagine my perfect person, “the one”... it’s like I get a sudden, quick jolt, a warning, as some deeper part of my mind warns me not to think more on it. Like I’m protecting myself from a secret I’m not yet ready to know. 

I know that there’s something buried deep within my heart that I’m not yet ready to face - not yet ready to come to terms with - and the longer I can put it off, the better.

So for now, being the third wheel suits me just fine.