A New Day In Kaster

Death creates a void. Depending on the person that passes away, the void can be large or small. It can also be things like freeing, binding, crushing, liberating, and so much more. It all depends on the who and the why. The obituary I held i. my hand today ends the chapter of a marriage I fought so hard to salvage. A final written notice of the failure that can never be undone. It can never be anything more than how it ended. It is finished. I have to learn to live again. I have to learn who I am again. I wanted someone to love me enough to want to stay. I wanted a love that begged for forever and then a heart that begged for forever plus one more day. My heartbreak today, signals the end. I fault hard, wanting to be loved so terribly bad that I was blinded by what I wanted and what it actually was, ownership not love. He forgot to fight. He forgot how to love. Maybe he never knew how. Today, walking away from the funeral services the flood gates that I had been holding since he passed opened. I had to grab a nearby tree to sturdy myself as the tears blurred my vision. I had been strong this whole time. Strong thru the event, the planning, the people, the services, walking away from the graveside. Now, signing off on the papers and picking up the box of pictures from the funeral home, my strength had reach its limit. I couldn't think or breath. The tears, I almost choked on them they were so heavy. It was ugly crying snot, slober, uncontrolled tears flowing. He committed suicide. He didnt know how to stay. He took the cowards way out. Staying meant facing the demons he needed to slay in order to win. He is now buried with those demons. The demons that won. I reached in my bag to grab something to wipe my face. I know I needed to clean my glasses so I remember reaching for the towelettes and thats when I spotted the envelope that he left. I hadn't opened it. I had went to open it a thousand times and I could never bring myself to actually break the seal. While I am already in this broken moment why not now?. The feel of the seal breaking. The sound of the paper unfolding, normally a sound I would never notice, now thundered thru my senses. The letter... ....I cant stop hurting you. I love you too much to take away all that you are. I can never be the Man you need nor the one you deserve. You work hard trying to save me! I see what you don't. Your shine is fading. The light from your eyes that follow me where ever I go has is growing dim. I caused that. I love you. Just not the way you love me. I love you as my savior. I thirst for the passion you carry in every part of you. I keep stealing it from you. The problem is I dont know what I am doing with it? I dont deserve it. I am so jealousnof your nature love of just living. Why keep taking from you? I dont love myself or have a desire to be happy. I am still living in the darkness. I am still sick. I cant bring you with me so I need to leave now. I need to leave you before I drain all the beauty that is you. Live well. Find someone that deserves you. Find someone that can bring back the light in your pure blue eyes. Find someone that has that same light while watching you! Forgive me. He didnt even take the time to sign in. The paper looked old. He had written it awhile ago based off the age of the ink and paper. I wander how long it actually took him to work up the courage to follow thru after writing them. He wasnt wrong. I loved life. I wanted to share it with him. That was, what I wanted. The day we buried him, I didnt feel that way any longer. I felt guilty not knowing how long it had been since I had really felt that feeling. When had the dream of us and forever been lost? I shoved the not back in my bag. Wiped the last of the tears away. Straightened my back and walked away like the battle to survive this week had never happened.