If My Wishes Came True...

In life, there are times when you have to make the most difficult decisions during the happiest moments of your life. Because you have to... because it's the right thing to do at that time. And then one day you'll reminisce that time and you'll wish you never had to do that.  "He's getting married, you know?" my friend, Alicia, tells me as she sips her martini that Saturday night. "We bumped into each other when I was is in New York," she looks at me as if waiting for my reaction to what she just told me. "He asked me about you.” I shrug my shoulder and sips my drink, “What did you tell him?” I ask. She gives me that knowing look and the sighs. “I told him you’re doing fine.” I nod my head at her as a sign for her to continue, “He said he’s happy you’re doing alright.” “Well, I’m doing fine and I’m happy for him,” I say without looking at her. We’ve been friends for over twenty-five years now so she knows when I’m lying. She knows how I really feel at the moment. After so many years, I still wonder back to that day. I have all these what-ifs in my head, but I guess it’s all too late now. “You really need to find someone. Go get a guy and do the thing. Maybe what you really need to move on is to get a good fuck.” I laugh at her ridiculous suggestion, but it made me think that maybe she’s right. Maybe I just need a good lay to finally move on. The next few days, I’ve kept myself busy with work. I tried not to think about the news of him marrying someone. After all, what’s the use of all these thoughts? I’m glad he’s moved on, I’m glad he’s happy now. A knock on the door pulls me back to reality. I tell the person to come in. Samuel smiles at me while showing a brown paper bag and a cup of coffee in his hands. “Hey, you busy?” I tell him no and he comes into the room, closes the door behind him. “I brought you coffee and bagel.” He places the brown paper bag on my table and then he hands me the coffee. “You okay?” I smile at him. I guess Ali told her the news. I can never hide anything from these two. They’ve been with me during the lowest point of my life. “I am. I’ve been better, but hey that’s life.” He stares at me as if he’s trying to make sure I’m not lying to him. “Seriously Sam I’m fine.” He continues to stare at me until he shakes his head and smiles back at me. “Ali and I are always here for you, Ein.” “I know,” he pulls me for a hug. “I know that. Thank you, Sam.” I whisper at him. Several weeks later, on a cold Thursday afternoon, I received an invitation. I glide my fingers on the names written on the paper. When I first heard the news from Ali, there was this small part of me that wished for it to be a lie. But now that this invitation is in my hands, I guess it made me realize the truth. Tears fall from my eyes, it blurs the words I’m reading... the phone on my table rings, Alicia’s name flashes through the screen. I badly want to answer her call, but I am too weak to do so. “It hurts,” I mutter quietly, wishing for the pain to stop. “It hurts so bad.” YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO THE WEDDING LORALEIGH JIMENEZ AND CLAUDE IVAN ELIZALDE I glance at his name once more. Just his name is enough to make me feel alive... but it also brings pain to me. “Hey, sorry for being late. Have you been waiting for a long time?” That familiar sound of his voice makes my heart flutter. I look up and smile at him, “No, not really. I just got here too.” I lie smoothly. He smiles and sits on the chair in front of me, “Great. I was worried I made you wait,” he says. “It’s nice to see you again, Ein.” I can feel my heart fluttering, butterflies flying around my stomach, and then there’s this ache inside of me. For the last couple of years, I only saw him in pictures. The last time I saw him in person was when we parted ways. It’s been so long, but he still makes me feel like that foolish girl who’s so in love with him. “It’s great to see you, too,” I answer softly. “It was so difficult to meet you nowadays. Your schedule is always full so I’m really happy that I’m able to meet you today.” He talks animatedly, so different from the Claude that I know. “I got your number from Alicia. She didn’t want to give it to me, but I guess she gave up after I annoyed her so much.” I smile at him, “She means well. You know her.” He nods and smiles back. Now that I’m looking at him, I can see the changes in him. He looks more mature, in a good way. He looks happier - the total opposite of how he was the last time we talked. “So, how’s life?” He asks. He glances at me, still smiling. I shrug, “I’m doing good.” Time goes by while we continue to reminisce about the old times. We talk about the fun moments in our lives, the sad ones, the bad ones. “I’m sorry for everything, Ein. Looking back, I should’ve been more understanding.” He says as we reminisce the last time we spoke, “I won’t make any excuses. Instead, I want to apologize sincerely for not being a good boyfriend.” My heart is beating so fast it’s starting to hurt. Tears are threatening to fall, but I’m trying my best to hold them in. “I’ve said words that caused you more pain. I didn’t see your pain, I was clouded by my emotions.” He has this sad smile on his lips, “I’m sorry I didn’t notice, I’m sorry I didn’t listen.” He reaches for my hand and squeezes it, “I’m sorry I was not there for you.” I smile at him and squeeze his hand back. “It’s okay. I understand.” I let go of his hands, “You didn’t have to apologize, Claude. I was at fault too. I kept things to myself when I knew so well that I could just tell you.” Looking back, I realized the mistakes I’ve done. We both did things that we thought were right at that time. “But, thank you and I’m sorry too. I didn’t trust you so I ended up hurting us both.” The heaviness in my chest starts to ease. After years of living in constant pain, it's finally starting to fade away. Still, there is this particular ache inside of my heart that doesn’t want to leave. “So, I’m getting married soon.” Then he starts to talk about her, the person who helped him overcome his pain and anguish. “I know it’s too much and I don’t want to force you, but I just want to tell you about this new milestone in my life.” I want to stop him from talking. This is the part that I don’t want to know. The part that I’ve been trying to avoid. “There will always be a part in my heart that belongs to you. You are someone I dreamed of spending the rest of my life with. So I want to set things right.” Please stop. “Thank you for all the memories. The good ones, the bad ones - all of it means a lot to me. I am who I am because of those experiences.” Don’t say it. “I am marrying the woman that I love,” no, “... and I want to give her my whole heart.” The tears I’ve been holding in starts to flow down. “Years ago, we ended things in a bad way. So I always have this guilt inside of me. Thank you for loving me, Ein. I hope one day you find the person who can love you whole. I hope that you find all happiness in life because you deserve it.” A tear falls from his eye, he reaches for my left hand and places that familiar ring in my palm. “I love you, Ein. Always. Be happy.” He stands up and walks to my side. He pulls me up and hugs me tightly. My tears continue to fall, blurring my vision. “You too, Claude. Be happy.” I whisper back. I have these what-ifs in my head. What if I told him the truth back then? What if I asked him to come back to me? What if I confessed how much I love him still? For the longest time, I tried to avoid these thoughts. Because it’s useless because it will change nothing. Because I know that deep down it's still him, but I know that not all wishes come true. Because if it did, it would’ve been him. Fin.