Ways to Say Love

Chapter Seven

“Well it’s too bad that you weren’t at school today,” my mother let out a sigh as she sat down at the dinner table, “I was planning on signing you and your sister out of school to take you down to see your grandfather. I suppose it will have to wait.”

Mom put a big scoop of peas and corn on Maylie’s plate, and then passed the bowl to my father. He looked at me with wide eyes as he ate his corn.

“Why were you not at school today, Aaron?”

“Aaron went on a date, Daddy!” Maylie smiled widely as she pressed peas onto her fork, and she began making loud kissing noises that sounded more like slurping.

“No need to fret, Bailey. Aaron is very much ahead in his schoolwork, and he has assured me one day will make no difference.” My mother smiled proudly at me. She’s always loved to brag about my school grades, and she never misses an opportunity to tell her friends how much I read.

“Jackie, don’t you think it’s important for the kids to see your father? All that Maylie will miss is colouring and like you just said, Aaron is ahead in his schoolwork. I’m sure that one more day won’t be too horrible.” My dad has always been the one to let us miss school. One time when I was seven, he pulled me out of class just to take me to the zoo. He said he woke up that day and realized how much he loves polar bears, and insisted we had to see them that day. I just think Dad did that kind of stuff to make my childhood more than memories of Mom’s drinking. “I’ll even sign them out for you, since I know how much you hate talking to the secretaries.”

When I was in in primary school, and my mother was still struggling with her sobriety, one of the school secretaries gave her a lecture on drinking and how she’s such a horrible mother for not putting me into a foster home. She was completely out of line; the lady had no filter, and everyone at our school hated her. Ever since then, my mom has avoided all office workers.

“That is a good point,” Mom scrunched up her face and pursed her lips, something she always does when she is thinking. “Okay, fine. Aaron, your father will sign you out and we can all go down to the hospital tomorrow morning.”

“No school! No school! No school!” Maylie threw her hands up in the air excitedly, and her peas went flying with it. “Oops.”

“So, Aaron, you went on a date? Tell me, how is Aspen?” My father wiggled his eyes at me from across the table, and Maylie began giggling as she hopped down from her chair to clean up her mess.

“She’s alright, and it wasn’t a date. We just went to get coffee.” I began shovelling food in my mouth to avoid talking.

“Son,” my mother’s tone was soft, and I could hear her trying to hide her amusement, “I have seen the way that girl looks at you. It was definitely a date.”

“Anyways,” I could feel my cheeks heating up with embarrassment, “the couple next door, Eliza and George, I met them today. They were struggling to shovel the driveway so I helped, and Eliza now insists on baking me cookies.”

Maylie began bouncing in her seat at the mention of cookies. There was nothing that Maylie loved more than homemade cookies.

“Will you share them with me, Aaron? Pretty, pretty please!” Her hair bounced along with her, and I wasn’t sure that her chair could handle it.

"Okay, May, I’ll share with you.” She squealed happily and gave me a big high five. It took practically nothing to get her excited, she had such high spirits.

The image of Aspen replayed over again in my head, and I realized now that I wouldn’t get to see her tomorrow. I was really looking forward to it.

“Do you mind if I be excused? I need to call Aspen.”

My whole family cooed at me as I wolfed down the rest of my dinner and made my way to my bedroom. I could hear them whispering about Aspen and I as I made my way up the stairs. Mom was saying how good it is for me to finally have a girlfriend, which I don’t. Dad was saying how embarrassed I get when someone mentions her name, which I obviously do. And then Maylie was talking about how much she loves Aspen.

I shut my bedroom door behind me and flopped down on my bed. The soft buzzing of the wind filled my bedroom, and the breeze from my open window sent chills down my spine. I pulled my phone from my pocket, and opened up my contact list.

Right at the very top, the name Aspen Quinn appeared. Seeing her name in my contacts was the best thing I had ever read. I was ridiculous; I had kissed this girl, and I was stuck on her name in my phone. Her cell phone number appeared when I tapped on her name, and I sat there staring at it for five minutes before actually dialing her number.

The phone rang three times before I heard her voice.

“So you haven’t gotten tired of me yet?” I could hear her smile through the phone.

“Actually, I’m quite exhausted. That’s why I’m calling, to tell you I’m so tired of you I’ve decided that I’m never coming back to school.” Joking around with Aspen made my stomach twirl, but it still felt so natural. I was so anxious, but I also felt calm.

“Woah, I figured you’d at least last two weeks before you dropped out. This is a new record.” I pictured her sitting on her floor against her bookshelf, twirling her hair around her fingers.

“What can I say? I’m an over-achiever.” I heard her laugh so clearly over the phone. “Anyways, I’m actually not going to school tomorrow. We’re going to go down to the hospital to see my grandfather.”

“Oh, yeah I remember you telling me about him. How is he doing?” Her voice changed in an instant, and I could tell she was feeling pity for me.

“I’m not sure, we don’t see him often. It’s okay though.” I couldn’t hold back my sigh. I hated having people pity me. Growing up everyone felt bad for me over my mom; Reese was the only one who ever really understood. “I still want to see you on Saturday though.”

“Okay,” Aspen’s tone was bubbly, “I’ll be at your house for seven, how does that work?”

“Yeah, that works. I’m really excited for the party.” I wondered if Aspen could hear my smile the way I could hear hers.

“You know, you’re leaving me all alone to deal with Jay tomorrow. I just know I’m going to get some lecture about leaving him at school alone and all that jazz.”

“Yeah well, no offense to Jay but I’m really, really glad we didn’t go to school today.” My hands flailed around in the air when I talked as if Aspen could see me. Even though I wasn’t with her, I could still see her.

“Yeah, I am too. You’re a lot of fun to be around. I really like spending time with you.” Aspen’s voice was barely audible, and I had to turn the volume up on my phone when she spoke. “I really like you, Benson.” Aspen managed to turn my last name into the best word known to man.

“I really like you too, Aspen.” I couldn’t keep my voice straight as I spoke to her; she had the capability to make me feel nervous about the way I breathed. “So, were your parents mad about you skipping school?”

“Definitely not,” she laughed, “my parents were praising you. They worry that I follow the rules too much, so they’re pretty thankful you managed to get me to go out today. I only said yes because of your eyes though.”

“What do you mean my eyes?” Her sentence made no sense to me, and I thought back to this morning when I was first asking her to skip with me. I hadn’t said anything about my eyes that I could remember at least.

“I don’t know,” she dragged on every word and it drove me insane, “you just had this look in your eyes, like you were so excited. There was no way I could possibly turn you down when you looked like that. I haven’t seen you look like that before, and I enjoy it, so I wanted to make sure you had that look in your eyes all day.”

“And did I have that look?” I had absolutely no clue what she was talking about; I always saw my eyes as some dull brown.

“After you kissed me, you looked like I made you the happiest guy on the planet.” I couldn’t even attempt to hide the smile that was plastered across my face. “Also, I know that you’re blushing like a doofus right now.”

“Yeah, well, I looked like that because I felt like that.” The smile on my face was so wide that it actually began to hurt my cheeks a little. “And I’m definitely not blushing right now, I don’t blush.”

“Okay, sure you don’t. You blush constantly, Benson, and it’s adorable. I would bet my life savings that you have some big, goofy smile on your face, and your cheeks are bright red. That’s how you look basically all the time, to be honest.”

I wasn’t sure there would ever be a time in my life when I wouldn’t want to listen to Aspen’s voice. She was completely right about me; my smile was painfully wide and my cheeks were blazing fire.

“You think that you know me pretty well, don’t you?” I could talk to Aspen forever, and never be bored. I loved the way she knew me so well.

“Yeah, actually, I do.” Her voice was cocky, and suddenly I understood a little bit more about how she and Charlie were related. “You think you’re super clumsy, even though I’ve only caught you stumbling like five times. You read more than anyone that I’ve ever met, which makes you crazy smart, but you’re humble about it. You care more about your sister than you care about anyone else. And you’re keeping a lot of things to yourself.”

“What do you mean, keeping things to myself?” I cleared my throat three times, but I couldn’t regain the calmness in my voice I had moments ago.

“You hesitate with everything you say, like you have to hold your breath around everyone to ensure you don’t say the wrong thing. You don’t just speak.”

“Oh.” The way that she spoke as if she knew everything about me suddenly made me more annoyed than happy.

“I’m sorry,” she spoke frantically, “I shouldn’t have said that, it wasn’t my place. Just pretend I didn’t say that, pretend the last thing I said was that you’re adorable, okay? Because you’re adorable and I’m stupid for saying that.”

“You’re not stupid, Aspen. You’re smarter than I am and you’re right, unfortunately. You know me really, really well.”

Images of the article and Aspen’s grandmother flashed through my mind. Aspen was right about me. I was holding my tongue around her to ensure I never said the wrong thing, or never hinted at how messed up my childhood was.

“I should probably get going now,” the hesitation in my voice was obvious.

“Yeah, you probably should,” her voice was airy, and she never said goodbye.

Knowing how she wanted to stay and talk to me just as much as I wanted to talk to her was reassuring. I liked knowing that I wasn’t some sad loser hung up on some girl that won’t ever like me back…even though I knew that once Aspen heard the whole truth she would hate me. It was nice to live in a fantasy world for a little while; I wasn’t ready to give that world up, or to give Aspen up.

“Goodbye, Benson.” The phone clicked, and I was left alone with my bedroom and buzzing wind.

My thoughts whirled in my head like a tornado, and it felt like everything that Aspen thought was me, was actually just who she wanted me to be. Aspen didn’t think I was clumsy, which is about the most incorrect thing she has ever said. She knows the person I am around her perfectly, but she doesn’t have a clue about everything real that goes on.

Every single time I thought about Aspen, my knees shook. My upper lip was sweaty, my palms felt clammy, and my stomach did four backflips. It was one of the best feelings in the entire world, but it also came with so much pain and guilt. I was lying to her every day that I was with her, and it just snowballed into something even bigger.

I hadn’t realized that I was tired, but suddenly everything was black and I was waking up in my bed to the sound of Maylie’s loud, tone deaf singing.

“Aaron, wake up,” Maylie sang in my ear as she came bouncing into my bedroom, “we’re going to go see Grandpa! I made him a picture, and I’m going to wear my pretty dress, and he’s going to love me! Aren’t you super-duper excited?”

My mother came rushing in after face, and she had long dark bags under her tired eyes. Her face was hallowing, and her smile was obviously fake. My mother was the walking definition of exhausted.

“I’m sorry sweetie,” Mom was out of breath, “your sister is just so excited to see your grandfather, I couldn’t keep her from waking you up. I figured we’d leave in half an hour, does that work for you?”

I nodded my head yes before Maylie skipped out of my bedroom giddily. I was still in my clothes from yesterday, and my back felt stiff from the position I had slept in. I checked in the mirror quickly, and of course, my hair looked slightly decent the one day I wasn’t going to get to see Aspen. Just my luck.

Reaching into my closet, I pulled out a pair of grey sweatpants and a red Nike hoodie. I had been working so hard to try to look good for Aspen, that it was nice to be able to just dress casual and lazily. Although, she could wear a paper bag and I would still think she looks like the most beautiful girl on the planet.

My phone buzzed on my bed, and I leaped over to check my notification. I was waiting for a text from Reese about when he would be coming over to my place, since he was supposed to arrive at his Dad’s house early in the morning. Aspen’s name popped up on my lock screen, and there were two text messages from her.

I missed seeing you this morning. Now this day feels poopy.

And yes, I just said poopy. Have a nice visit. Xoxo

My eyes scanned over her text messages ten times before I put my phone down. The whole day was going to feel poopy without getting to see Aspen. I could hear Aspen’s voice in my head when I read her texts. She talks the same way she types. I quickly unlocked my phone and sent a message back to her:

Wow, very exquisite vocabulary.

And yes, I just said exquisite.

I shoved my phone into my pocket and made my way down the stairs. Mom had made pancakes, which I wolfed down within seconds, and Maylie had poured me a glass of orange juice. She spilt the majority of it on the floor, but it was the thought that counts.

“Okay, kids,” Mom ushered us out the door in a hurry, “I want to get there soon so that I can do some chores around the house tonight. Maylie, zip up your coat it’s freezing out.”

I took Maylie’s zipper out of her struggling hands, and quickly did it up for her before carrying her out to the car. I plopped her into her car seat in the back, and quickly did up her seat buckle before climbing into my own seat. Mom turned on Maylie’s favourite CD to keep her quiet on the drive, and I pushed my earbuds in and listened to my own music.

The hospital was only fifteen minutes away, so I didn’t have to suffer through Maylie’s singing too long. She’s the greatest sister ever, but nothing gives me a headache more than listening to her sing. She doesn’t even sing, actually, she just screams the words at the top of her lungs and calls in singing. Of course Mom and Dad have to make her confident so they tell her she’s great, but now she doesn’t ever stop.

Mom took a sharp turn into the hospital parking lot, and Maylie screamed as if we were on a roller coaster when she drove the car down the parking ramp. I shoved my earbuds in my pocket and helped Maylie out of her car seat, holding her hand as we walked into the hospital.

The smell of sanitary alcohol wipes and vomit filled my nose the second we walked through the sliding doors. Maylie pointed at every sick person as we passed them, like any curious child does, but I kept my head low and walked quickly. I’ve always hated hospitals, and being in them is like the worst form of punishment to me. When Maylie was born, although I was excited to meet my new baby sister, I had a full blown temper tantrum because I had to go in a hospital and I threw up in the parking lot.

Maylie and I followed behind Mom as she led us upstairs to Grandpa’s room. You could tell by the way Mom’s head hung low and her shoulders slouched that she was not happy to be here. The yells of patients dominated my ears, and I pulled my hood up in a failed attempt to drown out the noise.

We took two more sharp turns before Mom finally stopped us in front of a room. The sign on the door said 226, and it had Benson written underneath it in whiteboard marker. Mom took in three long breaths before she turned to Maylie and me with a small, fake, smile on her face and ushered for us to walk inside.

I had known the Grandpa stressed Mom out a lot, and I had known that he was sick, but being here and seeing the way Mom carried herself made it all feel real. Like it hadn’t sunk in just how hard this must be for Mom, and how much she must be struggling to cope with all of this. I felt like I needed to do something, but I wasn’t sure what I could do.