Ways to Say Love

Chapter Nine

When I woke up the next day, despite my weird dream, the smile on my face was already there. I couldn’t make sense of what my dream had been about, but it scared the crap out of me. I tried my best to push it out of my mind so I could focus on the great day I would be having. There was nothing that could possibly get in the way of the excitement coursing through my body.

Even though it was heavily snowing outside and the sky was dark, the day felt bright. I woke up before Maylie even had a chance to come barging in my room singing; I was so ready to start the day.

I couldn’t remember a day when I had been excited to go to a party, especially with a huge group of people I had never met, but the thought of being around Aspen could make me smile over anything.

Of course there wouldn’t be very much privacy at the party, but I figured it would be good to see Aspen in a different environment. It could give me an opportunity to learn even more about her, which I would never deny.

I made it downstairs before Maylie or my parents were even awake and I had the morning to myself, which never happened. Dad had been working all the time at school and Mom’s been dealing with Grandpa every day, so they were both exhausted.

There were waffles in the freezer downstairs, and I almost tripped up the stairs when I was making my way back up to the toaster. Waffles were a close second for my favourite breakfast, and being able to sit on the couch alone eating them was perfect.

Even though I had one of my favourite breakfasts and was alone watching the tv with no interruptions, I couldn’t sit still. I ate my waffles in less than five minutes, and I couldn’t make it through have of a TV episode before I was back upstairs.

My bedroom was dark from the lack of sunlight, and I stubbed my toe off of the door on my desk as I ran into my bedroom. The pain flooded through my foot, and it felt as if I had just broken my toe. I was sure that the sound woke the entire house up.

I pulled back my curtain and took a look outside the window across the curtain. Lacey’s house stood still across from mine, and Aspen’s car was absent from the driveway.

I wondered if she could sit still right now. Did she wake up with a big smile on her face? Was she worried about what she would wear tonight? I was worried about what I would wear tonight. I wanted to look nice for Aspen. Would she think I look nice? I already knew she would look nice since she always looks nice. I would have to look extra nice.

“Hey bud,” I heard my father’s croaky voice coming through the doorway, “why are you awake so early? I was counting on my quiet morning coffee.”

“Sorry Dad,” my toe stubbing was obviously as loud as I thought, “I just couldn’t sleep, that’s all. I’m just a little restless about tonight.”

My dad’s lips folded into a half smile, and he took a seat on my bed. His eyes were awake within seconds. “Ah, I see. Are you nervous about going to the party, or are you nervous about going to the party with Aspen? You know, the party is still hours away. You’ve got plenty of time to cancel if you’re not up to it.”

“I think I’m more excited than I am nervous, actually.” I couldn’t decipher whether the butterflies in my stomach were from the thought of being surrounded by people I don’t know, or were from the thought of seeing Aspen after the day we spent together two days ago. “What do you wear to a party?”

If I didn’t need Dad’s help so badly, I would probably be pushing him and his cocky smile out of his bedroom. The way that he laughed at me reminded me of Reese.

“Okay bud,” my dad walked over to the closet and began sorting through my clothes, “let’s see what we’ve got in here.” Dad pulled out a pair of beige khakis and threw them at my head.

“Hey Dad,” my voice was hesitant and he kept his back to me, “has Mom said anything to you about wanting to drink?”

Dad stopped sorting through the clothes for a split second but then returned back quickly, never making eye contact with me. “Has she said something to you, Aaron?” The worry in his voice was louder than the worry in mine.

“No, no, she hasn’t said anything.” I caught the dark grey shirt my dad threw at me, and tossed it over my shoulder. “I just had this really weird dream, it’s nothing though. Don’t even worry about it; just pretend I never said anything.”

When Dad finally did turn to look at me, which took a while, he was giving me that sad, sympathetic look that people always give me when they find out Mom is an alcoholic. I hate being pitied, and having Dad give me that look just made it that much worse.

“Bud, you know that you can always come and talk to me about your mother, right?” He put his hands on my shoulders and his lips were a fine line. “I get that you may be a little scared to talk about it with your mother, but still talk to me about it. You went through a lot of crap that no kid should have to go through, and your mother and I both wish we could take that back. But we can’t. So you’ve got to face it, and talk to us about it.”

“Yeah, Dad.”

“What did Aspen say when you told her about your mom?” His question caught me off guard a little, and I wasn’t sure if he was testing me or asking out of curiosity.

“I haven’t told her yet.” My voice was flat and I tried to hide my embarrassment. “It just hasn’t really come up in conversation yet, that’s all.”

Dad’s big hands patted me on my shoulder. “Jackie is your mother, Aaron. She’s made some bad choices in her life, but we all have. You shouldn’t be ashamed of your mother, you should be proud of what she has overcome. I mean, she was up before sunrise getting ready to go to the hospital to see your grandfather. She works harder than you or I ever do, and you never hear her complain.” I hadn’t even known that Mom was out at the hospital. I guess I just figured that she was sleeping in today because she was so exhausted, I never really thought that she would actually go back today after what happened yesterday afternoon. I didn’t even notice that her car was gone when I had been looking out the window.

“I know that Dad,” his words made me feel guilty, because I knew that he was right. “I am proud, and I will tell Aspen about Mom. I’m just waiting for the right time, I promise.”

“Okay kiddo.” He walked back to my closet and pulled out an old jean jacket he had given me from when he was my age. “You wear this to the party, and Aspen won’t know what hit her.”

I held the clothes up to the mirror and took a look; Dad had a knack for putting clothes together. He probably had more fashion sense than Mom and I did combined. His mother was a small town fashion designer, so I guess he learned a thing or two from her.

Dad gave me another quick pat on the back before he went downstairs, probably to go and watch his morning news and drink some coffee.

I knew that there were still several hours until Aspen would be picking me up, and I needed to find a way to pass the time. So, I did the only thing that I knew to do when I needed a way to kill a few hours, I pulled out the final Harry Potter book and sat against my bed.

Within minutes I was worrying more about whether Harry would be able to defeat Voldemort, even though I already knew the answer, more than I was worrying about going to the party with Aspen. I hadn’t even realized that two hours had past until Maylie came bouncing into my bedroom.

“Morning Aaron,” her smile was way too wide for someone that had just woken up, “Daddy made us grilled cheese, and he says you should come downstairs and eat now.” May yanked the book from my hand, far too aggressively for my liking, and began to pull me down the stairs. It was more me following closely behind her, since I’m almost three times her size, but I went along with it to please her. I figured that the better the mood she was in, the better the mood we all would be in.

Before I even made it into the kitchen I knew that Dad had burned the grilled cheeses, you could smell it from a mile away. They tasted crispy and chalky, but Maylie and I still ate them; we both ate anything you put in front of us. Maylie had one and a half sandwiches, and I had two and a half. I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t have to worry about my rumbling stomach at the party, even though I knew that no matter how much food I took in I would still end up hungry.

Dad and Maylie stayed downstairs watching TV while I went upstairs to start getting ready for the party. I got changed into what Dad had suggested I wear, and I pulled out a pair of black Converse from under my bed. Looking in the mirror, I decided that my hair wasn’t too bad today so I didn’t put my beanie on like normally.

By the time that I got dressed, fixed my hair, and brushed my teeth it was almost time for Aspen to pick me up. I had wanted the time to pass quickly in the morning, but now it felt that time had flown by so quickly I was wanted an hour to calm my nerves.

Maylie brought me up a leftover hamburger from last night, and I quickly ate it. My phone buzzed the second I finished eating, and I scanned over my text from Aspen anxiously.

I’ll see you in ten minutes. I’m so excited!

Of course even her text messages had perfect grammar and punctuation; that was so Aspen. My hand began to shake ferociously as I made my way downstairs, and Aspen’s car was already parked in the driveway by the time I had collected myself and persuaded Maylie to not run out to see Aspen.

Dad had wanted her to come up so that he could talk to her, but when I told him about how anxious I was he dropped it. He told me that Mom had said for me to have fun tonight, and that I shouldn’t be nervous. Her comment was useless, because I was already more nervous than I had been about starting my first day at school. My mood about tonight had changed drastically within the past eight hours.

Aspen’s bright smile was visible even from my front porch, but I didn’t realize just how radiant she looked until I was sitting in the passenger seat beside her. She was wearing a plaid black skirt, and had ripped tights underneath with big, black boots. They made her look edgy, and even more intimidating than I already found her. She was wearing a burgundy top tucked into her skirt, and it was covered by a baggy denim jacket. Her hair was tied back in a low pony tail, with loose strands dangling in front of her face, and I hadn’t realized just how thick her hair was until now.

She flashed me a smile, which was incredibly unfair of her considering my already vulnerable state, and I felt myself suck in a sharp breath. Her lips were painted this dark red, it almost looked brown, and her eyes were a dark purple-brown. Aspen looked as if she was on her way to a Vogue photoshoot, and she was the star model who had the monthly cover.

“Hi, Benson,” her voice sounded even more like velvet than it did when I heard her talk for the very first time. I was feeling everything I had felt when we first met, and more. “You excited for tonight? I think Jay is going to meet us there in an hour.”

“That’s cool,” was all I managed to choke out. Knowing that Jay would be around was comforting, because it meant one less person that would make me uncomfortable. “Are you okay to drive?”

Aspen’s hand interlocked with mine, and suddenly I felt every nerve in my body just stop. It was just Aspen and I, sitting in her car going on a drive. Our destination vanished from my mind.

“I’m actually doing pretty great with that today. I drove all the way here and I didn’t have to stop to catch my breath once.” The way that she held her head high and smiled made my feet shake. I squeezed her hand twice as she pulled out of the driveway, and my hand felt cold as she placed both hands on the steering wheel. “I do still need two hands though; baby steps.”

The drive to the party was peaceful and silent, but it was comfortable silence. I loved sitting beside her and just knowing she was beside me; she smelt like vanilla lavender and I took in as much of the scent as I could.

Aspen took us far past the school, and into a neighborhood I hadn’t seen before. All of the houses were huge, with big gardens and pools in their backyard. You could tell that this neighborhood was for the richer of Port Hope; my family and I would spend our whole lives in debt if we lived here. As we took a turn, I could faintly hear music coming from one of the houses. The closer we got the louder the music became, and eventually it got to the point where it sounded like the music was playing in the car.

There were lineups of cars parked along the streets, and Aspen took one more turn before I saw which house we were obviously going to. A huge house stood on a big hill, with no other houses surrounding it. They had more property than anyone else I had seen, and I could see more people arriving by the second.

Groups of teenagers stood outside on the frosty grass, red solo cups in their hands, and I saw at least two people throwing up already. The house was practically shaking, the music was blaring way too loudly. I knew within a second that this was not my scene, and I would’ve left immediately had it not been for Aspen.

Aspen pulled the car into a spot between two cars that looked really expensive, and she sat there staring at me like she was waiting for me to say something.

“Are you ready to go in?” The way that her voice was soft and quiet made me feel incapable. Like I was some fragile piece of china that needed to be handled carefully otherwise I would break. I felt stupid. I just needed to get over my stupid anxiety and walk into the freaking party; I was turning nothing into something, and I hated myself for it.

“Okay,” my cheeks heated up immensely as Aspen and I began to make our way into the house. She waved at almost everyone that was on the grass and I saw plenty of guys eyeing her, which made me feel unworthy to be walking here with her.

The music was blaring so loudly that I could feel the vibration pulsing through my whole body. The floor shook below my feet as I followed behind, dragging me through a group of people. Her hair swung from side to side as she walked, and so did her hips. I definitely wasn’t the only guy in the room that noticed that.

Aspen took us to the middle of the dance floor and turned back to face me. There were way too many hormonal, sweaty teenagers surrounding me and the entire room reeked of weed and alcohol so badly that it was giving me a headache. I could feel my head spinning, and I didn’t know where I was supposed to look.

There were probably over one hundred teenagers around, and Aspen seemed to know every one of them. As a new song started to play through the speakers, Aspen began to dance in front of me. She twirled her arms around in the air, and her hips swayed from side to side and she spun around every so often. She looked like she was lost in her own world, with her eyes closed and her smile wide, and she obviously didn’t care about what others had to say about her dancing.

Her eyes flickered open and she quickly became aware of the way I stood there, watching her like an i***t. “You really don’t dance, do you?”

“I struggle to walk most days. Do you honestly think I can dance without dying? Trust me, if I started dancing you’d be embarrassed.”

Aspen’s hands dropped from above her head and she took my hands in hers, sliding them behind her back. I could feel the way she small of her back curved inwards. Her hands were on my biceps, and she was leading me. She switched her weight from one foot to the other, and I followed all of her movements. Aspen winced as I stepped on her foot, but eventually we were dancing together and I didn’t look all that stupid.

“See,” her smile was bright and I was certain I was going to fall over when our eyes met, “now you’re dancing. And you’re not too bad, Benson. I’m impressed.”

“I promise you, I’m much more coordinated when it comes to baseball.” A new song began to play, and Aspen’s face scrunched up. She obviously wasn’t a fan of the song. “Do you want to grab something to drink?”

My hands left Aspen’s back and instead took her hand while she followed behind me as I pushed past the people dancing. There were a big group of guys, all wearing letterman jackets, playing beer pong. The team farthest from us were losing badly, and they all looked really drunk.

Aspen dove into the fridge, and pulled out two cans of cream soda. “I hope that you don’t mind cream soda, but I need you sober tonight.” Even if Aspen had handed me a beer, I wouldn’t have drank it. Alcohol has always seemed like this toxic disaster to me.

“Cream soda works great, thanks.” I took a sip of my drink, and then took another. The soda was ice cold, and it sent a refreshing shock down my throat.

Her smile grew wider, and she shook her head to the music as she bounced on her tip-toes.

At least ten more people came piling into the kitchen, and based on the smell one of them had obviously just thrown up. Being surrounded by all of these random people made my stomach turn, and the smell was doing nothing to help it. I saw Charlie mixed in with a big group of people, and I tried to hide from him by turning away.

“There’s my least favourite cousin,” his loud voice boomed as he walked over towards Aspen and I, “I was wondering if you’d show up, but I didn’t think you’d actually bring this loser around.”

“Charlie, would you just shut up.” Aspen became annoyed in a split second, and she interlocked her hand in mine. I felt like an i***t, not being able to say anything and just standing there frozen. “How much have you drank? Your breath stinks of alcohol.”

It was true; you could smell his breath far too strongly, and his words were slurred. Charlie was obviously hammered.

“Well, since you’re no fun and obviously aren’t drinking, I’ve drank enough for the both of us. And your goody-two-shoes boyfriend obviously won’t be drinking. He wouldn’t even smash, it would ruin his purity. The kid’s probably a fag.” I squeezed my eyelids shut, and began hyperventilating. I thought I was going to pass out, or throw up, or both. This was exactly why I didn’t want to come to a stupid, f*****g party. Parties are stupid, and I wanted to go home right away. I couldn’t believe that this was actually happening.

Everyone gasped, and I forced myself to open my eyes. There was a big group of people forming a circle, with Charlie, Aspen and I right in the middle. Charlie was stumbling back and his hands were pressed up against his nose. I looked to Aspen, and she was clutching her fist tightly; she looked like she was in pain. Some girl passed Aspen an ice cube, and she pressed it to her fist forcefully. I was confused at first, but then it clicked; Aspen punched Charlie in the face.

“Holy s**t,” I gasped, “Aspen you just punched your cousin.”

She looked up at me and winced. “I know that. It hurt.” I could already see how red her hand was.

Charlie scrambled up from the floor, and he looked really, really pissed. He didn’t even look at Aspen once. He just got up, gave me a look that made me scared for my life, and then he stormed off right out of the house.

“Want to go out back?” I wasn’t sure if Aspen was asking me this because she saw how uncomfortable I was, or because she wanted some air too. Either way, I was thankful and followed hurriedly behind her as she led the way.

The instant that Aspen and I walked outside, I felt calmer. The wind was like a slap to the face, but in a good way. I was able to catch my breath, and not fret over every other person in that house. I still felt like an i***t, but now I wasn’t feeling like an i***t with twenty teenagers staring at me judgingly.

There was a huge in ground pool, and a big hot tub right beside it. The hot tub was uncovered, unlike the pool, and I could see steam rising up from it. An old, rusty swing set stood farther back in the yard, and it was actually really depressing to look at. It stood on a ground of little pebbles, and one of the swings wasn’t even fully attached to the pole. It obviously hadn’t been used in years and was just collecting dust, as my mother would say.

Farther back, in the far corner, there was a small bench underneath a big oak tree. It looked exactly like the one that we had gone to the day we kissed. We both went and sat down on the tree, and Aspen began to fiddle with my fingers after throwing her ice cube into the snow.

“I’m sorry, Aaron, I can’t even begin to describe how much of an asshole he is. He’s just worse than normal because he’s drunk.” Aspen’s tone was apologetic, and she was apologizing as if she was the one who had just said all of those things to me.

“It’s not your fault,” I took Aspen’s hands in mine. I didn’t want her to have to feel guilty all because she was related to that scum. “Sorry that you punched him for me.”

“I’m not,” there was humour in her voice; “he deserved to be punched. And I’m glad that I was the one who got to punch him.”

Charlie’s words echoed in my head. “Can I ask you a question? Charlie said that you’re obviously not drinking. Do you not drink because of your grandmother?”

I had obviously hit a soft spot, and I felt guilty for even bringing it up. “I just think there are more negative side outcomes than there are positive. You don’t drink either though, do you?”

Instantly I regretted igniting the conversation, but I knew that I had to tell Aspen about my mother and her disease. With the way Aspen stood up for me, I’d be an even bigger jackass than Charlie if I kept this from her.

“No, I don’t drink. Listen, there’s actually something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about for a while.”

She looked up at me intently, and my chest felt tight. I tried to ignore everything I was feeling and just tell her.

“Hey there, lovebirds!” I swear I was going to tell her, but Jay’s excited voice rang in my ears and I saw his dark silhouette coming towards us. “You two aren’t making out or anything, are you?”

I knew my cheeks were bright red, and I took comfort knowing it was too dark for anyone to see.

“Actually,” Aspen’s voice was hesitant, like she was scared to say the wrong thing around me, “I think that we’re going to head home now.” Aspen stood up from the bench and she pulled me up with her, looking to me for confirmation. I nodded my head the slightest.

Jay didn’t even say a word to us; he just shrugged his shoulders and stepped back. It felt like him and Aspen were having some telepathic conversation, and she was telling him that I was weak and vulnerable and that he should leave us alone.

Aspen’s fingers tapped a basic beat on the back of my palm as we walked to the car, and for a second I thought she was going to open up the car door for me. I wasn’t sure I would have been able to stay calm if she had tried to open the door for me.

I felt a small ache in my chest to be back in Niagara; sure things weren’t perfect, but they had also never been this bad.

As Aspen pulled out of the parking lot, she reached over and gave my hand a quick squeeze. I felt like a loser for not being able to stand up for myself, and although I was thankful for Aspen and I knew that it was stupid, I hated the way she kept reassuring me like I was a baby. If she already felt so bad for me after what Charlie had said, I couldn’t begin to think of the way that Aspen would look at me if I told her about my mother.

At first I thought I didn’t want her knowing because she would hate me, which still scared the s**t out of me, but now I was more worried that she would pity me.

The drive back to my house felt really long and uncomfortable. I tried to think of something to say to Aspen, but all that came out was air. There wasn’t even any music playing, it was just her and me sitting in silence.

Once the car finally pulled into my driveway, I sat there for a few. I knew that I didn’t want to end the night like this, and I doubted she did either, but I couldn’t think of a way to make myself feel like less of a bay.

“Are you mad that I punched Charlie?” I saw that Aspen was looking at me from the corner of my eyes, but she looked away the second our eyes met. “I’m not sorry I punched him.”

“No, I’m not mad. I’m sorry, I just—I don’t even know.” I needed to just shut up about it, and enjoy tonight like I was planning to. “Do you want to come inside?”

“Okay, yeah that sounds nice.” Aspen looked up at me and smiled. The moonlight hit her face, and she looked even more like a goddess than she ever had. When I saw the way that she smiled at me, every piece of anger and discomfort that I had felt in the past hour vanished.

Knowing that I was the one that made her smile like that, that she was smiling at me, could make anyone forget everything bad in the world. I could last a lifetime on her smile.