We Are Forever

We Say Farewell

After a couple days in the hospital me and the babies were discharged. My mom dropped my dad off so he could drive my van back to Aunt Jennas. The drive only took a few minutes. Lexi has been staying at a motel near the hospital but she left to go home. She wanted to be with her husband understandably. She told me she would get with me about funeral arrangements when she had them.

It feels nice to be home though. Abbi has been staying in my room with me and helping with the twins. I love my babies and I am so happy they are here. But part of me is devastated. Adam was really starting to step up. He seemed ready to be a father.

“I know right now it seems tough but you will get through this. Your children need you.” Abbi says while changing Ellie’s diaper.

“I know I just feel horrible. I talked to Lexi earlier. She said she will let me know about funeral arrangements.”

Eli starts to cry from his bed. I get off my bed and pick him up gently. My babies are my everything. I walk over to the rocking chair and unsnap my nursing bra. The twins eat every hour or so. I started using a special formula to help them put on some weight too. Eli quickly latches and starts to eat. It isn’t two seconds later Ellie starts to wail as well.

“Is she hungry too? Do you want me to get her a bottle?” Abbi asks. She softly rubs her head and kisses her cheek.

“No it’s fine just bring her to me and bring me the boppy pillow.” I say and yawn.

She places the pillow under Eli so as not to disturb his meal, then places Ellie on my other side. After helping me get adjusted and comfortable she takes a step back.

“Can I take a picture? I know this is very private but after everything that’s happened I think this is needed.”

I nod my head as she pulls out her phone. I am so grateful to Abbi. She took pictures of me in labor and during delivery. She got pictures of Adam with each of his kids and one with him holding them together. She got pictures of Adam standing next to me as I hold our children. A proud smile on his face. There is one where he is holding Ellie and I am holding Eli. I love that one most. He looks at me like he actually loves me. Sometimes my mind likes to wonder to what may have been.

“Any news of Yazmin?”

“Not yet. Her hearing is coming up. Her lawyer is trying to get an insanity plea. Something about how broken she was when Adam cheated on her. And how it got worse when she found out I was pregnant. But the prosecutor has the school staffs statements on this one incident in the library. She basically threatened to harm my baby until I miscarried. So hopefully that helps.”

“What a psychopath! She doesn’t need a mental hospital. She needs life in prison!”

The rest of the afternoon me and Abbi start printing pictures out and place them in the babies books. Aunt Jenna had to go to the store for the day. My parents are with Adams family until tomorrow. They wanted to help them with anything that they needed.

The twins wake up every 4 hours through the night for feedings and to be changed. I started pumping and freezing my milk this way if Abbi hears them before me she can just grab a bottle. Although she knows I prefer to be woken up. Pumping and freezing was her idea. She has been so supportive through everything.

The next day my parents arrive back and tell me to pack a couple bags for me and the kids. They are taking me back to their house for a few nights until the funeral. I quickly pack my bags and stuff for the twins. Abbi decides to come along with us so she runs to her room to grab her things. They help me load up the van and put the twins inside their car seats.

The drive home was quiet. The twins sleep through most of the drive. My parents are in the car in front of me. Abbi is driving my van since I still don’t know about driving. I haven’t taken any of the medicine the doctors gave me in a few days. I’m still sore but I think the worst of it is over. The twins are a week old so hopefully I will feel normal again soon. I am already back in my normal clothes. They don’t fit the same as I have more curves on me but I still think it’s a win.

We only stop twice to feed and change the babies. So it doesn’t take us long to get back to my parents house.

“This is a nice little place!” Abbi says as she pulls into the driveway next to my mom and dad.

“Yeah it was great living here. But I never quiet felt like I belonged in the area. Ya know what I mean?”

“Absolutely! Well let’s get the twins in and I’ll come back for the bags.”

Once me and Abbi get the twins out of the car seats we carry them inside. My dad helps Abbi bring the bags in while my mom helps me get the babies settled. They both started wailing as soon as we got them inside.

“It’s a new place. They will adjust in no time.” Mom says encouragingly.

“I know it’s just overwhelming.”

“I know honey. But it will be okay.”

Just then my phone starts ringing. When I look I see Lexi is calling.

“Hey Lexi how are you?”

“I’m okay sweetie. I was calling to see if y’all wanted to join us for dinner? The services are tomorrow and I really just want to spend time with you and the twins.”

I can hear her sniffling in the back ground and it takes everything I have not to cry.

“Sure thing Lexi. Abbi is here with me though. Is that okay?”

“That’s no problem hun. I know she is very dear to you and has been helping.”

“Okay what time do you want us to come? And do you need us to bring anything?”

“No and how does six sound?”

“Sounds good Lexi. Gives us time to rest. We just got in.”

“Okay dear I will see you soon. Richard is looking forward to meeting his grandson and granddaughter.”

“I understand. We will see you in a bit.”

I hang up and tell my parents and Abbi about dinner. They agree it sounds good since none of us feel like cooking anything. That drive really tired us out. I give the twins a bath and change their clothes. I also make sure I have clothes in their diaper bag. My mom and dad watch them for a bit while I shower and change into some leggings and a nursing top. My breasts are sore so I know I will be feeling or pumping in the next few minutes.

After feeding the twins and relieving my breasts we take small cat naps. I have learned to sleep when the twins sleep. I am always tired.

Dinner with Lexi and Richard was interesting to say the least. Richard and Lexi spent most of the time with the twins which I expected. We ate chicken parmesan and pasta and a side salad with pecans in it. Lexi and Richard loves on the babies and they cried a lot. They talked about how Eli looks most like his father. He really does. The only thing from me he got was the blue eyes. Otherwise he is his daddy’s twin. Ellie looks more like me. But she has her dads temper. When she wants something she wants it right then and doesn’t want to wait.

The next day we all get up early and and get dressed. I have Ellie in a dark navy sundress with a sun hat. Eli is wearing dark navy shorts and a white shirt to match his sister. I put some sunscreen on the babies since their skin is to sensitive. I dress in a black short sleeved dress with lace lining the sweetheart neck line and the bottom with a small silver belt around my waist. I have on thigh high stockings and my black heels. I don’t bother with make up as I know most the day I will be in tears. After checking the diaper bag is ready I head into the kitchen with the babies.

“Morning mom.” I greet my mom as she sits at the table drinking coffee. She has on a dark grey pant suit and some black flats.

“Hey sweetie. There is coffee and I made some eggs. They are in the pan if you are hungry.”

“I’ll just have some orange juice for now with toast thanks. My stomach is in knots.”

“I know baby. Today will be very rough. We need to get going soon though. Let’s make sure Abbi and your dad are ready.” Mom says as she takes her cup to the sink. After rinsing it she grabs Ellie from me and goes to find my dad.

“Well sweet man let’s go find Aunt Abbi to see if she is ready to go.” I say to my son who is quietly looking at me.

After we find Abbi and dad ready we head out to my van. We decide to all just take it since there is room for all of us. This way we don’t have to park two cars.

I put my baby carrying wrap around my body and tie it. Then I place a baby on each side of my body. I love wearing the wrap and carrying the twins. It makes things so much easier. Especially for feedings.

We walk into the funeral home and greet Lexi. There are flowers everywhere and pictures of Adam. They even got pictures from the hospital. I know Abbi must have sent those photos to Lexi and I couldn’t be happier. She deserved to have them.

I see so many people from school. Including Dustin, Axel, and Max. And assuming from the way they keep looking at the picture of Adam and the twins, I guess he never told them we were having twins. I stand in line and wait to say my goodbyes to Adam. Once I get up to his coffin I can’t help the tears that take over.

“I wish you were here Adam. Our babies need a father. Who is going to teach Eli about sports? We both know I know nothing about them. Who is going to make sure Ellie’s boyfriends treat her right? This isn’t fare. You should be here for this. You should be helping me.” I cry as I look at his lifeless form. In his hand is a picture of us with the twins. He is wearing a black tux with a cobalt blue tie. He has a red carnation pinned to hit jacket. Black hair has gel pushing it back. He looks handsome as ever.

After the funeral services we head to the burial site. Since it was just across the street we walk. My parents decide to skip it and sit in the van in the AC. Abbi joins them as she doesn’t like grave yards. It’s super hot out but it’s supposed to rain tonight. I find a place to sit as the babies start to cry. I sit in the back row and quickly maneuver the babies and the top of my dress to they can latch quickly. Breast feeding hurts a little but I know in the end me bonding with my babies is important. I get a few looks but I don’t care. I’m more or less covered anyway with the wrap.

Someone sits next to me and when I look I see Dustin. He only glances at me for a moment before he looks away.

“How are you holding up?” He asks quietly.

“Why do you care?”

“I was just asking. Adam talked about you a lot when you left. He didn’t talk about you in front of Max or Axel but he did to me. I talked to him right before the incident. He went to his car to grab his wallet. He told me all about Ellie and Eli. You did good Marie. I never hated you. Neither did Adam. It’s complicated as to why we treated you the way we did. Maybe one day you will understand. Just know I am sorry. I am sorry for you and for the twins.” He says while looking me in the eye.

Ellie unlatched and starts fussing. I pick her up out of the sling and fix my dress before I work on trying to burp her. Dusting just looks at her with a small smile on his full lips.

“She looks just like you. But I can see a bit of Adam in her.”

“Yeah. Eli is his spitting image. It’s hard to look at them and not think about Adam.”

Eli let’s go and let’s out a loud sob. Dustin grabs Ellie from me while I fix the rest of my dress and pick up Eli.

“You weren’t kidding. I feel like I am looking at Adam right now.” He says with wide eyes. He has Ellie on his shoulder as he softly pays her back.

“You have experience with babies or something?”

“My youngest sibling just turned three. I know the basics.” He shrugs.

He looks so comfortable holding Ellie. I wish Adam was here to see it. A tear escapes my eye and runs down my face. I feel so guilty he is not here anymore.

“Don’t cry Marie. He wouldn’t want you to be sad. He saved your life. Make sure you don’t let him die in vain. Make your life mean something.” Dustin says as he watches me. I quickly burp Eli and put him back in the sling and take Ellie from him. Dustin wraps an arm around my shoulder as I cry quietly. Axel and Max look like they are confused as to what is happening. But they still keep their distance.

Dustin sits with me through the burial service. When it is time I throw four carnations on his coffin. One for me and one for each child. The last is for the life we could have had.

“I know we weren’t on best terms Adam but I did love you. I will make you proud. I will raise our kids right and make sure they make you proud. I will make sure they know their daddy died a hero. Rest easy.” I whisper when I put the flowers on his coffin.

Dustin stands behind me. I know he hasn’t been the friendliest but he was never mean. His presence offers a little comfort. I just wish this wasn’t goodbye. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. No one was. Lexi is bawling in her husbands arms as they start lowering his coffin into the ground. That’s when I realize this isn’t goodbye. We are saying farewell.