THE SECRET ARRANGEMENT
I shouldn’t be here . Even before I knock, the guilt burns through my chest like wildfire. But I don’t turn around . I haven’t turned around in months. The door opens before I touch it. Lucy stands barefoot on the floor, wrapped in a silk robe the color of mid night. Her hair is wild. Her lips slightly parted. She doesn’t smile. She never does, not until I speak.
“I thought you might not come tonight,” she says softly.
“I said I would.”
Her eyes looked at my hands. The wedding ring I still haven’t removed. I step inside, and the door clicks shut behind me. There’s a strange comfort in her place. Too clean. Too quiet. No scent of woodsmoke. No echoes of Maya. No reminder of who I am trying to betray every time I come here.
“I brought you something,” I say, reaching into my coat and pulling a small velvet box. Inside is a bracelet. Sterling silver. Delicate and expensive. A poor excuse of what I can’t give her. Her gaze softens, but she doesn’t touch it.
“So that’s how it works now?” She murmurs. “You pay me in jewelry and guilt?”
I exhale and sit at the edge of the couch. “I told you what this was.”
“Yes,” she replies, stepping closer. “You told me you wanted a child. Not a mistress. Not second chance.”
She sits besides me. Close enough that her bare knee brushes against my jeans. She is fire, temptation and everything I have tried to lock away.
“I can give you what you want Ethan,” she whispers. “ But I can’t do it not knowing it means anything to you.”
Her words dig deeper than she knows. And maybe I deserved that.
“I’ve never lied to you,” I say. “But I have never promised love either.”
She smiles, without warmth.
“And I have never asked for it.”
Still the silence between us is heavier than it used to be. A month ago we never spoke beyond touches and breathless nights. Now she looks at me like she wants something more. And I am terrified she might find it.
After fire had gone out of bodies we lay down.
I wake tangled in sheets that don’t smell like home. Lucy is still asleep one hand resting on my chest, like it belongs there. Like this is normal. It’s not.
I slide out of the bed quietly and step into the bathroom. I splash cold water on my face. I stare at my reflection too long. What are you doing here Ethan? O already knew the answer. I am trying to save a bloodline that doesn’t want to be saved. And doing so I have cracked something in myself I cant fix.
I dry my face, slip my shirt back on and walk out to find Lucy awake sitting at the edge of the bed, her robe rolled pulled tightly around her.
“I have something to tell you” she says suddenly.
My heart stops. “What is it?”
Her eyes met mine. There’s fear there but also something like joy.Barely contained.
“I am falling in love with you Ethan. I love you.”
Silence fills the room . For a moment i cant breath. Then the world sink in and with them I felt something I haven’t felt in years. Fear.
I step toward her.
“Lucy, we have talked about this over and over. No feelings. No attachments. I have a wife for God’s sake. This cant go anywhere.
She watches me, her expression unreadable.
“Well, you made this.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“You made me love you, Ethan.”
“Oh, please!”
“Can’t you see it?”
“See what?”
“That it is easy to fall for you?” She says softly.
I sigh.
“Oh Lucy. I am married. And I am not that kind of a man.”
“I don’t care what kind of a man you think you are, you are always knocking on my door Ethan. You want me.”
Her voice rises, almost desperate. She grabs my shirt with her small hands.
“Choose me Ethan. You know you want me. I make you happy. I can give you what your wife hasn’t been able to for seven years. You have a choice.”
I lift my hand, hopeless. I can’t bear the sadness in her eyes. But little does she know I don’t have a choice. I am like a cloud stuck between heaven and earth. Not really belonging to either.
“I am not who you think i am.” I whisper.
“You have no idea who you are,” she says.
“Oh you do?”
“Yes you are a strong, tall man but inside you are just a boy. A boy who is lost. A boy who is still longing for comfort and affection he never had.”
“I am more than that darling,” I say, brushing her hair behind her ear.
She rises to her toes and kisses me deeply, passionately. Her hair smells like lavender. Her eyes are wide and innocent, trusting. She is perfection, dangerous perfection.
And she has all means to make a man like me lose his mind.
Her lips move to my neck. I shiver. Maybe she is right, maybe I don’t know who I am anymore.
“Promise me you will never leave.”she whispers.
“I don’t know if I can do that. I am sorry.”
“What if I give you what you have been looking for?”
I swallowed hard. My fists clenched at my sides.
“You know I could give you the world.”
“I don’t want the world Ethan. I want you.”
