Lost

Temptation

        As my home disappears from the rearview mirror, sadness slithers around my heart, but one look at Ash gives me the strength to push the sadness away.

        I know this isn’t goodbye, we’ll be back.

        I couldn’t have done this without Ash. If I hadn’t met him and his father, I wouldn’t have my parents’ journals and wouldn’t know about that place, but it’s more than that. He makes me feel strong and capable. I’ve always told myself I was tough and could make it through anything, but I had to tell myself that to keep going. He makes me genuinely believe it, though.

        I’ve never felt the way I feel with Ash with anyone else, I love him.

        Wait, no… I didn’t say that. I meant I – I love having him as a friend. He’s my best friend, I trust him with my life, but I can’t love him. Especially not when I’m having dreams about other men. That’s not fair to him.

        Plus, he might not even feel that way about me. I mean, I know he checked me out before but thinking I’m attractive and having feelings for me are two very different things.

        But even if he did, things are so complicated in my life right now as it is, and those dreams, it’s not right.

        It doesn’t matter how I feel, I need to just focus on what’s going on and how to deal with it, Ash is my best friend and that’s all he’s going to be.

        While internally arguing with myself, we pull into the motel parking lot. I only notice when Ash gets out to get us a room for the night. With everything that went on today, we’re both exhausted but I need some time alone to process everything.

        “I’m gonna take a shower before I go to sleep, okay?”

        “That’s fine, I’ll take one in the morning, so take as long as you want.”

        “You know me so well,” chuckling, I head into the bathroom and as soon as the door closes, my smile drops. “what is going on, Bailey?”

        I ask myself, whispering to my reflection in the mirror.

        I don’t even feel like I’m looking at myself anymore.

        While waiting for the water to heat up, I slide my clothes off, staring at my reflection.

        I look like me, but somehow it doesn’t feel like I’m looking at myself. I feel like a stranger in my own body, a numbing emptiness consuming me inside.

        What is going on?

        What do I do?

        As steam covers the mirror, I push off the counter and turn to the shower. As the scalding hot water touches my skin, I almost recoil from the drastic change in temperature. Within the first ten minutes, I was done washing my body and my hair, but I wasn’t ready to get out. Sitting on the shower floor, directly under the stream, I close my eyes and try to relax.

        The more I try to clear my mind, the more thoughts try invading my head. Frustration keeps building until I’m sitting on the shower floor sobbing. I can’t hold it back any longer.

        I hope Ash doesn’t hear me, how could I explain why I’m upset?

        Do I even know why I’m crying?

        Gripping my necklace tightly against my chest, as I let the tears mix with the water streaming down on me, I imagine all of my emotions pouring into the necklace. Trying so hard to keep the memory of my mother giving it to me in my mind, to feel what I felt on that day; love, warmth, like I’ll never be alone.

        I wish I could hold onto that feeling forever.

        Please, Goddess, help me. Guide me. I don’t know what to do, I feel so lost and confused. I don’t even know myself anymore. I need your help… I’m scared…

----

        I don’t know how long it’s been, but the tears have stopped along with the hiccups. I must’ve zoned out or maybe fallen asleep, but the overwhelming emotions have left me alone for now. The only thing I feel now is a splitting headache and exhaustion.

        The water is cold, but my body must’ve gotten used to it while I sat there because it doesn’t bother me. I rinse my face before turning it off and stepping out onto the mat.

        After a few minutes, I’ve brushed my teeth and gotten dressed, I put everything away before going to lay down. It only takes a few minutes for the black abyss of sleep to consume me.

                    Walking through the woods, the sun is shining brightly down on me. I can feel the warmth on         my skin, the leaves and dirt beneath my feet. When I look down to the ground, I see that I’m wearing a             white dress, it flows just below my knees and the straps hang off my shoulders, making me smile.

    Eventually the tree line comes into view and I’m walking into a field of tall grass. There’s one lone tree     almost in the middle of the field, it’s big and beautiful. From it’s branch hangs two swings, and I notice                                                         then that there’s someone in one of them.

Slowly approaching the tree, the person comes into view. I don’t recognize her, but she’s beautiful. Long,            curly red hair flowing over her pale white shoulders, an olive green dress that reaches her ankles.

           When I get closer to her, I notice her eyes. They’re unlike any eyes I’ve ever seen. And I have two                                                             different eye colors, so that’s weird.

                Her eyes are violet with a silver pupil, her lashes are so long and dark anyone would envy her.                                                     She’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.

        As I get close to her, she reaches out her hand and motions for me to sit on the swing next to her.

            For a moment, everything is completely silent – no birds, no insects, no wind, nothing. Then she             speaks, and her voice is so strange. It’s hard to describe, it doesn’t sound human. It’s so… angelic?

                                                                            Her voice is like music.

                                                            “Hello, Bailey. I’m so happy to see you.”

                                                                     “Thanks… uh, who are you?”

           “You should know who I am, you called for me.” Her soft laughter sends shivers through my body.

                                                    “I – I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

                                        “You were very upset, you asked for my help, my guidance.”

                                                              “B-but I, uh – Moon Goddess?”

                        “Mhm, the very same, though I’m also the Goddess of Nature and Magic, and I like to                                                   go by my name - Thala.” Her smile shines, she’s almost mesmerizing.

                                                                “But… how is this possible?”

                        Standing up, she motions for me to follow her, and we walk together through the field.

                                 “You are very special, Bailey. I’ve been watching you for a very long time.                                                                         I have the gift of sight, like you – “

                                                                                “You can see the future?”

             “Unfortunately, it doesn’t work exactly like that. There are many futures, and I can see most of                                            them. It depends on the choices we make which future comes to pass.”

                                                                                “So, what did you see?”

                       “I saw you. When you were born, I met your mother much like you’re meeting me now,                                I told her where to find the necklace you have and to save it for you. I’m very happy she did.”

                                                                  “Why, what does this necklace do?”

                            “It reaches me. In a way, I guess you could say it summons me into your dreams.”

                                                                                        “But why – “

                  “Like I said, you’re special, Bailey. You’re the first True Royal with the blood of Witch Royalty.                                                         You are the strongest and purest of my children.”

                                                            “But how am I pure if I have witch blood?”

                       “I created witches just like I created shifters, they both of my essence in their blood.                                          The Royal Shifters have the strongest of my blood, as do the Royal Witch families.                                    Combining their bloodlines combines their strength. You have so much power within you,                                                                         and you have a great destiny.”

                            Stopping in place, I try to wrap my head around all of this, but it seems impossible.

                                “I know this is a lot to take in, and I’m sorry for the burden you will bear, but                            you’re the only one who has the strength to do this.” Placing her hand on my shoulder, when her skin                                                      touches mine, a wave of calmness passes through me.

                                                             “What – um, what do I have to do?”

                                                            “The man who… killed your family – “

                                “Dorian.” My voice turns to venom when I say his name, all the anger and                                                                          hatred I feel towards him fills me at the thought of him.

                     “Yes, Dorian. He has always been jealous of Royals, but – have you ever heard of Xaos?”

                                                                                        “No…?”

                                            “Xaos is the God of Chaos, Torture, and the Afterlife – “

                    “Why is there one god or goddess for multiple things? And how many others are there?”

    “Some gods can be greedy or selfish, some just disagree and are stubborn, but eventually at least a few     of them start a war and others pick sides. When a god or goddess dies, one of the remaining takes their                                                                                 power and their place.”

   “So, you stole another gods power…?” instinctively taking a step back, I force myself to stop and stand                                                             up tall, showing I’m not afraid. Even if I am.

  “Not exactly,” she chuckles, putting her hand on my shoulder and guiding me, so we start walking again,    “when a god dies, their power goes into the aether and finds who it wants to live in. Kind of like it has a       mind of it’s own, like it can feel who will be the best at using that power. When it finds it’s next host, it                                                                                 settles inside them.”

                                                                    “Ohh, okay. That’s pretty cool.”

     “Now, Xaos, he’s the god of the afterlife, torture, and chaos. He has been influencing Dorian for a while now. They’ve made a deal, and you’re the only one strong enough to stop Dorian and make sure neither                                                                             of them succeed, Bailey.”

                        “But – why me? Why can’t you do it? What is their deal? Why would Xaos do that? – “

     This time, Thala’s the one who stops, turning me by my shoulder so I’m facing her, she looks into my                                                 eyes, and I can feel how serious and worried she is.

“I can’t stop Dorian because the Gods and Goddesses have made it law that we cannot directly intervene     in mortal matters, the most I can do is communicate with you. Xaos is a petty, selfish, angry god. He’s wanted to wipe out my creations for thousands of years now, and he’s finally found a way to kill as many                                                                                         as he can.”

              The sadness in her eyes shows how important we are to her, it’s like I can feel her pain and                                                                                            it breaks my heart.

                                                            “What – uh – what is their deal?”

       Taking a deep breath, she looks down to the ground and her shoulders sag for a moment before she                         stands up straight and hides her emotions. I know that move all too well.

 “If Dorian kills every single Royal Shifter, Xaos will give him the magic and power to be the strongest and         most powerful shifter alive, and he can kill anyone who doesn’t bow to him. He’ll most likely kill the            witches who don’t agree to follow him, too. I doubt he’d kill the vampires, though, because they’re                                                                                   Xaos’ creation.”

                                                    “Oh god… wait, Xaos created the vampires?”

  “Yeah,” she chuckles, but it’s a humorless laugh. “he created them to destroy the witches and shifters,   but they didn’t succeed and over time came to live rather peacefully together. Especially when some of                                                         them mated.” A coy smile crosses her face.

                                                        “This Xaos dude sounds like a jackass.”

                       Laughing so hard, she snorts, causing me to laugh with her. After we calm down,                                                     she smiles at me with such fondness in her eyes.

                                        “You are quite right, my dear. I’m sorry, but I have to go now – “

                                                                                    “Wait, why?”

                                        “If you ever need me again, hold your necklace and call for me.”

                                   And just like that, she disappeared. With her went the field, the woods,                                                             everything, it all became a black abyss.

        When I open my eyes, Ash is right above me, causing me to jump.

        “Sorry,” he smiles, not at all looking sorry. “I was trying to wake you up, you slept for a while. It’s almost nine in the morning, we gotta hit the road.”

        Jumping out of bed, I grab some clothes and run in the bathroom to get changed. The mirror is still foggy from Ash taking a shower this morning. I brush my teeth before leaving the bathroom, then pack my stuff up in record time.

         As we pull out of the motel parking lot, I replay my dream over and over in my head.

        Was it real?

        I mean, it had to be, right?

        But how?

        Maybe it was just my imagination? Maybe it was just my subconscious trying to work through all of my emotions.

        “What’s wrong?” Ash asks, nudging my knee with his hand, snapping me out of my reverie.

        “Nothing, I – I just have a lot on my mind.” I mumble, but it’s clear in my voice that I’m troubled by something.

        “Come on, talk to me, Bailey.” he says, worried.

        “I had… a dream last night…” trailing off, I feel so unsure talking about it. I don’t know if it was real or not, I feel like it was but that just sounds insane.

        “And?”

        “I talked to Thala… the Moon Goddess…”

        Snapping his head in my direction, face full of shock, he swerves the car and has to straighten us out again.

        “Wha-what happened?”

        “She was beautiful, her voice was literal music. She told me a little about myself and… my destiny. About Dorian and Xaos, the God of Chaos.”

        “That’s great!” his enthusiasm surprised me but calmed me at the same time.

        “You think it’s real? Not just a weird dream?” I ask, hesitant and insecure.

        “There have been stories of some who saw a god in their dreams. There’s no reason why it couldn’t happen to you.” He shrugs, nonchalantly.

----

        We talked about my dream or meeting with Thala for a while until we stopped to get something to eat. We’re not gonna get a motel room tonight, Ash wants to drive to Indianapolis before we get another room so we can get home a day early and celebrate my birthday.

        He’s so sweet, so considerate. I’m lucky to have him in my life.

                                                                                        ASHER

        Driving for hours in a row gets boring pretty fast, especially when Bailey’s sleeping, but when I look over at her and see how peaceful she looks I know I’d drive to the end of the earth for her.

        What Bailey told me about her dream with the Moon Goddess keeps replaying in my head. When I think about Dorian, anger and hatred fill my veins.  My wolf comes to the surface, and it takes a lot to keep him inside. I want to rip his head off for everything he did to Bailey and what he’s planning on doing. He’s a gods damn disgrace.

        I can feel the fur rippling across my forearms and my eyes flashing into my wolf’s, and I have to concentrate on holding him back.

        Shifting while driving would not be good, calm down.

        Kill. Destroy. Enemy.

        We will, but right now we need to make sure we don’t crash the car and hurt Bailey.

        Bailey. Safe. Protect.

        Yeah, let’s just focus on Bailey.

        It’s rare that my wolf tries to take over without my permission, but when it comes to Bailey and anyone who hurt her – especially that monster – it’s hard to control him. My wolf is just as protective of Bailey as I am.

        I’ve driven all through the day, only stopping around six for Bailey’s dinner. I really want to get back home by Bailey’s birthday, I know she’d like to have my dad there and Val and the others, too. I want her to have a celebration, she deserves it.

        We’ll be in Indianapolis around one, I’ll sleep until the sun rises and we’ll get going again. That should get us home by… two, maybe three in the afternoon, the day before her birthday.

        Looking over, Bailey’s still passed out, with the seat reclined and her head hanging off the side of the chair near my arm. I can’t stop a smile from spreading across my face even if I wanted to.

        She’s so peaceful when she sleeps, at least most of the time. I hate when she has those dreams that wake her up covered in sweat… I wish she’d tell me what they’re about, so I know how to comfort her… But if she’s not comfortable talking to me about it, I have to accept that. Even if I hate it.

        Before turning back to face the road, I notice her neck is bent at an awkward angle. With one hand, I gently slide her head back onto her headrest, so she doesn’t get a kink in her neck, careful to drive straight at the same time.

        The last thing we need is to crash into a lamp post.

        When her head is resting on her seat, I move my hand back to the wheel, but before I can, she turns over to her side, wrapping her arms around my arm and leaning against my shoulder. Warmth from her touch spreads throughout my body, and my wolf becomes alert. In a good way this time.

        Bailey. Soft. Warm. Nice.

        Yeah, I know. She makes us feel nice, now go back to sleep. I have to focus on driving.

        Bailey. Mate. Happy.

        Don’t start with that stuff again. Bailey is her own person, if she decides she wants to be with us, that’s her choice. We’re not going to pressure her or make her uncomfortable. Give her time to figure out what she wants.

        Bailey. Mate. Ours. Mine.

        Trying to ignore my wolf, I focus on driving. Finally, after a few more hours, I pull into the motel. Carefully pulling my arm out of her grasp and sliding quietly out the car, I get us a room and carry Bailey inside.  

                                                                                        BAILEY

        Groggy and sleepy, I feel like I’m rocking back and forth, then I notice arms around me, and a scent fills my nose.

        Asher.

        Why is he carrying me?

        This must be one of those dreams.

        Snuggling closer against his chest, I relax in his arms and enjoy being carried. I want to enjoy this while I can. I feel him laying me down, his arms sliding away from me.

        Noo, I don’t want him to let go. He’s so warm and comfortable and he smells so good. This is my dream, I want him to stay.

        Blindly reaching out, I find his arm and pull him back down next to me, snuggling into his chest with his arm around my shoulders. Nothing has ever felt this good.

                                                                                        ASHER

        As I gently lay Bailey down on her bed, I slide my arms out from underneath her and begin to turn away. When her hand grips my wrist, I turn to see what’s wrong, but she just pulls me down next to her and rolls into my chest. For a moment I’m taken aback and don’t know what to do. She’s settled against me, and I can’t lie, it feels good having her snuggled against me.

        But what if she doesn’t know what she’s doing, and this is an accident? I don’t want to make her uncomfortable or feel like I took advantage of her sleeping and invaded her boundaries.

        Internally struggling with what I should do, I eventually decide to ask her.

        “Bailey,” I gently whisper, “are you sure you want me here?”

        For a moment she’s silent and I almost ask again.

        “Of course, silly. You’re so comfortable and you smell so good. This is the only time I can snuggle you.” Her voice is slurred with sleep, and I don’t know what she means that this is the only time she can do this, but my worries are somewhat eased, and I get comfortable next to her, letting much needed sleep take over.

                                                                                        BAILEY

        Slowly drifting awake, I feel so warm and comfortable I don’t want to move. When my pillow shifts and snores, I jump back and find that Ash is my pillow.

        What. The. f**k.

        Wait… last night… wasn’t a dream?

        Filled with embarrassment, I freeze. My mind is running a mile a minute trying to go through everything, hoping I hadn’t said anything awkward, my skin burns as blood rushes to my face.

        What do I do?

        For a moment I just sit there, thinking about all the possibilities in front of me.

        I could get out of bed and apologize profusely when he wakes up. Or I could pretend I have no memory of last night.  Or… I could lay back down. Just for a little. Since it’s already happened, there’s no harm in enjoying a few more minutes against his warm… strong… body… Right?

        Convincing myself it’s fine, I snuggle back into his side with my eyes closed, enjoying being next to him.

        I must’ve fallen back to sleep eventually, because the next thing I know he’s trying to gently wake me. The sun still hasn’t risen, the only light is from the bathroom with the door left open.

        “Hey,” he practically whispers, smiling as I slide into a sitting position next to him. “we gotta get ready to go soon.”

        “Okay, no problem.” Smiling back at him, he looks a little conflicted and unsure.

        “What’s on your mind?” I ask, worried he might be uncomfortable with last night.

        “I have something for you,” he says, his face instantly turning settled and confident. “I was gonna wait until we got back and had your shifting ceremony, but I’d rather give it to you now. If that’s okay?”

        “Of course it is.” A wide smile spreads across my face, and my heart fills with so much gratitude.

        He’s just so damned sweet.

        As he goes out to the car, I sit patiently on my bed, filled with excitement. When the door opens back up, he walks through with one arm behind his back, kicking the door closed. Standing in front of me, he motions for me to close my eyes, and as soon as I do, I feel bags on my lap and in front of my feet.

        “You can open them now.”

        As soon as he tells me, my eyes fly open, and I see at least three gift bags. I immediately recognize the bags from the store I was window shopping at in Indianapolis. Shock and appreciation flood through me and all I can do is wrap my arms around him.

        After our hug is over, he sits me down on the bed, standing in front of me.

        “I know you said you wanted to get them as a reward to yourself for getting to a place in life where you felt happy or like you accomplished something… but I wanted to get them for you now to show you how much you’ve accomplished in other people’s eyes… in my eyes.”

        Kneeling down in front of me, he holds my hands in my lap, looking me in the eye with so much… admiration? Pride? I’m not sure.

        “You’ve been through so much and you’ve grown through it all, you never let it turn you bitter to the world. You grew more compassionate the more you were hurt and that’s one of the most admirable things about you. You’re not perfect, neither is your life, but perfection doesn’t exist. I guess I just want you to know that you’re enough the way you are, and you deserve things that make you feel good.”

        My heart flutters and my stomach flips. I pull Ash’s hands lightly, guiding him next to me on the bed. For a short period of time, I just sit there and stare at him. Going over everything in my head, all these different actions go through my mind.

        Why would he do this for me?

        I mean, he didn’t have to…

        But he wanted to…

        He’s so gods damned sweet. I just want to throw myself on top of him and wrap my arms around him. Kiss his full, sweet lips.

        How can someone so handsome be so kind?

        He said perfection doesn’t exist, but it does. He’s perfect.

        Zoning back in, I realize I’ve been staring at his lips. Before I can think better of it, I lean forward. Closer and closer until our noses are touching and I’m just a breath away from pressing my lips to his.