Healer For Alpha

In The Haze

The doors open as I'm thanking Aaron for his help and both boys get into the car, but I don't bother to get up.

"Hey, Healer," Laurie calls to me, surprising me, "I bought you a salad. You like that, right?"

Even though I have no appetite at all, that little act of kindness surprises me so much that I sit down to grab the container he extends to me. I can't waste the fact that Laurent did something nice, maybe it will teach him not to be such a big asshole in the future.

"Yes, thank you," I reply. Laurie hands Rio a burger and he takes it, but does nothing to eat as Laurie starts driving again, eating at the same time. I force myself to take a couple of bites of the salad, but it's all I can take before I start to feel nauseous.

"Rio, at least try to take a little bite," Laurie mutters some time later, "Or I'll eat it myself."

"Go ahead, I'm not hungry," Rio says, tossing the closed burger in Laurie's lap and turning toward the window. He stays that way the rest of the way until we reach Tallahide.

Once we get to the building, Rio comes out of the car, except instead of taking off without waiting for me like an annoying kid, he opens the door for me and once I'm out, the three of us go up to the apartment together.

"Hey!" King blurts out as soon as we walk in, coming out of the kitchen with big, impatient eyes, "What happened?"

I can see Laurent next to me raise a hand to his neck signaling for him to shut up, so Kingsley's mouth closes and he walks backwards into the kitchen slowly until he disappears. Laurent escapes that way with him and I'm left alone with Rio, the most tense person in the world all of a sudden.

"Do you want me to sleep on the couch tonight?" I blurt out when I can't take the tension anymore, Rio looks at me with confusion.

"Of course not, do you want me to?" he asks, but I say no as well and we both walk into our room, "So... what happens now? There’s no bond."

Rio is looking at me with completely lost eyes, looking as young as he is. To be honest, I was anticipating him acting weird again and making everything awkward between us before telling me it's time for me to leave, I wasn't expecting him to look at me like that, like he’s waiting for me to know what to do. Or that he would even give me the power to consider the future with him.

I walk over to sit on the bed and I just look at him for a second.

He looks so worried and so confused that, for a second, my own worries don't matter that much. This is Rio. Everything has always felt easy with him, why has it been so hard lately?

"Go get your tablet and come sit here," I say, tapping next to me on the bed. Rio looks at me like he doesn't understand, "There must be a lot of Love Island episodes we haven't seen. We haven't seen much since we got to Tallahide."

Rio stays there, considering it for a moment, but then he lets out a smile and nods, moving to his backpack to pull out his tablet. Once he has it, he takes off his shirt like it's choking him and I watch patiently as he cracks his neck, as if he’s forcing his body to relax before crawling into bed next to me.

There are four episodes we haven’t seen, so for over four hours we turn off our brains and do nothing but lay in bed and watch this funny s**t. For four hours, we're normal again.

Once I feel like Rio is no longer tense, I start coming up with something to keep the good vibes going.

"Want to make some cookies?" I ask as soon as episode four is over, not giving Rio a chance to overthink and worry again. His eyes lift to mine excitedly and he nods, so we both head out to the kitchen. Luckily, Laurent and Kingsley have everything we need this time, even though most of the stuff has never been opened.

"Show me how you do it," I ask, sitting down at the island in the kitchen and leaning my face in my hands as I watch him move around looking for ingredients, shirtless, "Give me a master class, Baker Boy."

"Okay, I'll teach you all of my secrets just because it's you," he agrees and starts explaining each of his steps to me and I pretend I'm paying attention to the recipe when in reality I'm just enjoying him. And this little moment of normalcy I got myself. Once he finishes mixing ingredients and puts the cookies in the oven, I get up from my chair.

"I'll go to the bathroom for a moment, wait for me," I say with an easy smile and walk away with careful steps to the bathroom beside the living room, where I finally give myself permission to cry and release the pain on my face. Holding it back has been so hard, my whole face hurts.

Acting normal was not as good an idea as I thought, I almost regret forcing us to act this way because it has reminded me of the things I’m going to lose. My silly Rio making his cookies, commenting nonsense about the silly shows we watch, everything feeling easy and perfect when we're together.

I sob and cover my eyes with my hands for a couple of minutes until I force myself to feel better and look up at the mirror. My makeup has run to a horrible mess, so I have to wash my face and wait a bit until my eyes look normal again, then I give myself permission to go out to the kitchen again.

Rio is at the island, leaning on his hands with his head dropped between his shoulders like when he got out of the car a while ago. Then I realize I didn't manage to turn his brain off like I was trying to, he's just been putting on an act too, just like me.

As soon as he hears my footsteps he turns to look at me with a smile just as fake as the one I give him.

Later, when we both get into bed, Rio hugs me from behind and his hands reach under my shirt to touch the skin of my stomach.

"Can I still touch you? I want... I need to touch you. Can we keep pretending everything is okay for a little while longer?" He begs. And he's reading my mind because it's just what I need, too.

"Yes,” I immediately answer and turn until I'm facing him. I want to say that, if he wanted to, he could touch me forever. The only reason I don’t it’s because we both know that already, there is no need to say that, “Can you let him out?”

“No,” he whispers one second before our lips meet in the dark.

The kiss we give each other feels sad. Too sad for this moment where we've decided to pretend everything is okay. We can leave the sad goodbye kiss for later.

Tonight, we’re okay. And even if I can’t have my Alpha one last time, I’ll still be grateful Rio wants to give himself to me.

I suck on his bottom lip until he opens for me and allows me to kiss him in earnest. I take the opportunity to push his shoulders until he's lying on his back and pull myself up to sit on his lap.

I don't even think about it, I pull off my top and Rio rises up to hug my waist and kiss my bare breasts, sucking so hard, I'm sure I'll have hickeys tomorrow, but I don't mind the idea. I want them, I want the reminder.

I throw my head back to give him more access to my neck. Rio stops there for a moment and there's a flash in my head. He's thinking about biting me, about marking me… but then he remembers he can't and lets out a small sound of frustration but he leaves one last delicate kiss on my throat before he gets up to turn us over. He leaves my back on the bed but then he follows me as if he has a magnet calling him to me.

Thinking about that makes me remember the beautiful blue thread that binds us and instead of feeling sad again, I decide to think about how beautiful it is. Even if it's not enough, even if it's not what we wanted, it exists and it's beautiful. I can't be ungrateful just because it's not exactly what I was expecting. Even that little 'weak' thread is miles better than any meaningless connection I could have with another man.

Rio’s kisses start to go down my body, he extensively kisses every part of me, even my arms and hands as if this isn't merely s****l, as if he's just… worshiping me. That feels both really good and really awful. Unfair.

I squeeze my eyes shut and feel another tear fall to my temples. Rio has ruined me forever.

I can't imagine the possibility of ever loving anyone else... of even liking anyone else. If I can’t have him, I don't want anyone. To even think that I let a nasty beetle touch me (my ex) before Rio makes me feel sick.

I really want to tell him how much I love him while he's slowly kissing my damn calves but I stop myself. I don't want to say it now that we know there's no bond. He's going to think I'm just saying it as a last attempt to stay here and I don't want that.

Once Rio has finished kissing every part of my body he returns to my lips and the tip of his d**k finds my entrance naturally. Our bodies just know what to do when they’re together.

The little twinge of discomfort because of his size feels good. I bury my nails in his shoulders and lift my legs to make it easier for him to get fully inside of me.

Rio does it slow this time, not rushed or desperately. He leans on his forearm and combs my hair away from my face as if he's watching me. I can't see anything in this darkness, but I think he can, so I give him a smile… weirdly, that makes him turn away, as if he didn't like it.

I don't know why. And I can’t even ask.

He lifts one of my legs even more and starts rocking harder, breathing in my ear as he f***s me.

Even with my messed up emotions, this feels good. So good, I let out a deep moan that motivates him even more and this time he's the one who manages to turn my brain off because a delicious pressure starts to grow inside me until I can't think of anything but chasing that pleasure.

➿➿➿➿

When I wake up the next morning I'm alone in bed. That never happens, so I panic for a moment, but I still get up to get cleaned up and ready before heading out to see what the hell this day has in store for me. I don't think it's going to be anything good, but at least I'm ready to face whatever it is.

Surprisingly, Rio is here. He’s still shirtless, his hair a mess and he's making coffee, which isn't normal either.

"Good morning," I murmur as I approach. It looks like we're alone again.

"Good morning," he replies without looking at me, picking up the coffee pot to pour two cups, "I think we should talk about it now."

"Yeah, we should," I agree and sit down across from him, accepting the cup he offers me just to warm my cold hands, "So, Isabelle gave you two choices. Which one sounds better to you?"

"The thing is, Luna," he begins, raising his eyes to me. He sounds like he already knows what he’s going to say, he’s not as lost as last night, "I really, really like you. I have liked you for a long time, not just since you dropped the bomb about the bond. When I look at you I think... damn, she's so pretty. Maybe the prettiest girl I've ever seen."

"Yeah, right," I mumble, feeling shy and trying to act like that’s not the cutest thing anyone's ever said to me, "What about King?"

"Well, he's a boy. He's the cutest boy I've ever seen," he admits but instead of feeling jealous, I just laugh, "I'm with you and think, this girl is so fun. How come the hours go by so fast when I'm with her? Then we're in trouble and I turn to you because I know somehow you'll know what to do. And all that is to say: I like you, but..."

Not enough, is what he wants to say, though he stops himself first.

"But," he continues, "If we decided to stay together and wait for a bond to appear, I'd be so anxious all the time. And what if it never happens? What will I tell people when they ask why you don't have a personal scent? What will I say to my parents: 'we're waiting for a bond?' 'She might be my mate at some point?' What if five f*****g years go by and you still don't reciprocate my bond?"

So many questions and it all comes down to one thing.

"Back in the day, when you had a crush on King," I start, making him frown in confusion, "What were your questions about having a relationship with him?"

"Uh, mostly about Laurie. How can I make sure he doesn't hate me for dating his enemy? How can I make sure my boyfriend and my cousin don't kill each other?"

"So you never thought about what people would think when they saw you two together?"

"No, not really," he admits.

"Because he's a beautiful omega," I continue.

"I guess," he looks at me like he doesn't understand what I'm getting at, "But that was a long time ago, it has nothing to do with us."

"I think it does, Rio, because if you liked me the same way I like you, you wouldn't worry about all those things you're worrying about," I blurt out and he looks down with a grimace, "I think this is just a 'he’s just not that into you' situation."

"I don't know," he whispers, thinking about it, "I am that into you. But what if... what if it's not enough? Or if it's too much? What if I like you too much and you never feel that way towards me?"

"Rio," I shake my head, "You're getting way ahead. You’re thinking too much and I didn't think I'd ever say that."

My little joke doesn't even make him let out a small smile.

"My wolf won't leave me alone, he just wants to have you at all costs, but that scares me. The healer said my bond will only get stronger, I don't think I could deal with my wolf feeling even stronger towards you... I'd have to chain you to my bed."

I smile. That's cute. I wouldn't even object.

"Luna, this has to be an all or nothing situation," he says with his eyes on mine, sounding extremely serious and... dominant. He doesn't want me to question it. I guess he made his decision, "And the idea of this being ‘all’ is terrifying. ‘All’ is too much. So it has to be nothing. We have to end this."

There it is. I knew he was going to make that decision but it still hurts.

"If that's what you want," I manage to say, "It's not like I can change your mind."

"But," he says, "How about... how about you go to Toronto but we keep talking, and once I don't have this bond anymore we meet again and continue... hanging out? Like always?"

That's not good enough for me. Not anymore. Like he said, it has to be all or nothing. And I want it all.

"I don't think so," I blurt out and watch his face break down in front of me, "I guess I should just leave?"