Dear Kate

Chapter 3

Summer, June 13th.

Dear Kate,

Tyson won't sit still. He keeps fidgeting. We're sitting in church, far back in the corner and I'm writing while my arm covers my book and Tyson's attention is on Pastor Liam. Tyson had got a lift with Peter while I had been driven by our excited parents. They're happy I'm moving on, grasping at my old life. Somehow that description seems like a disservice to you and leaves a vile taste in my mouth. I don't like to believe there's an old or new life. I don't like to believe there's even a life where you aren't present. Unfortunately that has happened and adapting seems frivolous.

Tyson was excited about church this morning and I can't seem to understand why. Church and Tyson are antonymous. His rugged; somewhat awkward, exterior presents an anti-religious man and yet; despite his twitching every so often, he seems enraptured by the message. I believe it may have to do with his mother. She was a strong believer in the days leading to her death and I suspect church somehow brings him closer to her. It isn't quite so simple with me. Church was your place and I feel like an intruder without you.

Tyson hasn't said much since we've met this morning. When I found him waiting for me in the parking lot, he stood leaned against a wall with his shoulders hunched forward and his eyes trained on his cell phone. He'd seemed to fold into his body as though trying desperately to match the plaster background. It was yet another interesting thing I discovered about him and found in contrast to his first impression last night.

Tyson is a man who comes across as confident and hardened with enough attitude to be a troubled man, but not a bad boy; and yet, he has shown me a side that is cautious, nervous and awkward. Peter had joked before the service that it was my appearance that pulled the contradictory side out of Tyson but I struggle to believe that is true. Regardless, I find the new side endearing and relatable.

Pastor Liam is speaking on faith this morning and persevering through hard times. Part of me feels as though he planned today for me, another part is secretly snorting at the absurdity of it all. You were different though. You always believed this stuff.

I can see Drew from where I'm sitting at the back. It's only the back of his head but it's enough to surprise me. I feel offended on your behalf that he's even here. Shouldn't he be in silent protest of this place, grieving you and all that reminds us of you? Perhaps it's different for him. Church feels suffocating without you but I wonder if for him, it's a tangible connection to you, one that stills beats with the same joy you once did.

From what I can see Kate, he still looks the same. His chestnut hair is still thick and floppy on his head and his shoulders still as strong and sturdy as ever. One thing is different though. I caught a glimpse of his face during the opening hymn and I had to suppress a gasp. He looks lost Kate, lost without you.

Another surprise this morning is the presence of Carter, right beside Drew. His shorter, slimmer frame has been consciously placed like a protector near Drew. I've been watching them. Carter keeps glancing up at Drew as though waiting for his calm aura to crack, allowing him to quickly reach for the falling pieces and glue him back together. I'm smiling at them. It's interesting to see worry surrounding Carter. His usually happy and relaxed presence is now slipping and all that's left is fear. He's a good brother, one Drew has always been lucky to have.

Pastor Liam is finishing his sermon. I'll need to write more later.

---

I'm home now Kate and there's a lot to tell. Church wasn't too bad and I was fortunate not to have many town's people notice me. Drew found me though. I was shocked when he gave me a hug. It's hard to explain the feeling it gave me. We clung to one another in desperation. I hadn't seen him since your funeral. We didn't say much and yet it felt as though we said everything. His thick biceps squeezing me were comforting and I could hear them yelling that everything was going to be alright. That I'm not alone. His scent was a comfort and it had me remembering the days when you would come home smelling of him after a date.

What had surprised me most was Carter. He had smiled, a smile full of excitement. He had seemed surprised to find me there but his surprise had quickly turned into elation. He hadn't even given me a choice and, like his big brother, and pulled me into a tight hug. I had clung to him. He smelled of home and it had me feeling nostalgic. In the short seconds of the hug, I could picture it all. I remembered us four under the willow tree near our house. We were young. Drew and Carter, ten and eight respectively, would be swimming in the lake, showing off their new swimming skills while we giggled under the sun. I remembered days in the winter when the boys would invite us for cocoa at their home and Mrs. Johnson would get us blankets and leave us to watch Christmas movies all night. I remembered how our innocence changed as we matured and you and Drew discovered your love.

Drew and Carter are a huge part of our lives and I wondered how I could ever have ignored them when you left. Carter begged me not to be a stranger anymore and I agreed, in honesty.

I had left church with Tyson. He doesn't have a car yet but asked if we could walk to Steve's Diner a block from church. I had agreed. He had seemed tense throughout the walk. We were silent in the beginning. I've never enjoyed silence in company and I've always felt awkward. With Tyson, that's how it had felt. I had tried to start a conversation but it seemed he was too angry to contribute.

I had waited until we reached the diner to finally confront him about his change in attitude. With a burger and fries in front of me and a steak and fries in front of him, I had leaned forward and stared into his green eyes. His hair was as bushy as ever on his head and I could see that his eyebrows needed trimming.

"Why are you angry?" I'd asked.

Tyson had clenched his hands and looked out the window next to us. I could see his tight jaw tick with annoyance. More silence followed before he finally turned to face me. "Who were they?" He had asked me.

"Who?" I had asked, not really sure where the conversation was headed.

His jaw ticked again. "The ones who hugged you."

Realization hit me. He was jealous. "Drew and Carter Johnson." I answered him. He had given me a look then as though waiting for more information. I didn't want him to be angry. He had no reason to be though. "Drew is," I had paused when I realized my mistake. "Drew was Kate's boyfriend before her death. Carter is his brother. Us four were the closest of friends growing up. We all knew one another from church. We've been friends since I was five. I haven't seen them since the funeral."

Tyson had nodded but said nothing more. I had frowned then, not sure why he still seemed upset. "Why are you angry?"

He had shaken his head then and it were like a switch in personality. He turned and smiled my way before reaching across the table for my hands. It was the first time we'd held hands. It felt nice but different. His hands were much larger than mine, rougher too from his work at the warehouse. He threaded his fingers between the gaps of mine and squeezed.

"I'm not angry," He soon replied. "I was just curious is all. I'd never seen them before and it appeared you were all really close. I would have thought you'd mention them before today."

I was shocked he'd expected me to have told him so much of my past already. Drew and Carter are difficult for me to talk about. So much of my life with them includes you and speaking about you is still a challenge.

"We've only been on one date Tyson. I would have mentioned them eventually. It's hard to speak of them, they remind me of my past with Kate." His eyes had softened when I mentioned you. He had nodded and had told me he understood.

The rest of our date had gone by really well after that. Once Tyson's anger had disappeared, conversation was enjoyable. He had told me about how he came to be in the state of Texas. According to him, he'd grown up in Brooklyn where he'd met Peter in kindergarten. They remained friends growing up until his mothers' death at age fourteen. He had no other family and Peter had always been a brother to him. He had moved in with them until age eighteen where he chose to start his own life. He had lived in many cities, partying in all of them, making youthful mistakes. Now twenty-eight, he wants to settle down and being near his brother Peter was the first step. He believes I'm the second.

I'm not sure yet what to make of his statement. I barely know him but he's certain I'm the woman he's been looking for. He believes I'm the one he's going to marry one day. I feel as though a declaration of commitment like that deserves some level of swooning from me, but rather it fills me with anxiety. I hadn't said anything to him about it though. Rather, I had smiled at him and asked more about life as a kid.

The more I find out about him, the more confused I become. I feel butterflies- or dragons is what he calls them- when I'm near him but, there's something about him that unsettles me. I'm hoping that with time and more dates, I'll overcome my worries and concerns.

Until then, wish me luck Kate.