On His Knees

Chapter 4

I pressed my face closer to whatever was giving Caden’s scent. It was soothing. I always loved that smell. Ever since I was a kid, it could put me in this therapeutic state where I would just forget everything around me.

“—vi. Livi?”

Even Caden’s voice sounded so…reassuring. It felt as if I’m in a protective blanket every time I smell him or hear his voice. We had been separated for years but I wouldn’t forget those tiny details about him. How he loved scrunching his nose, his one-sided smile, the twinkle in his eyes every time he talks about things he was interested in, I loved everything about Caden. His friendly and positive personality that I wished I could have. I love Caden. I wished I could tell him how much I loved him. I had been suppressing it for too long that it’s beginning to suffocate me. I wanted to be someone important to him—not just a friend but something more.

I love you, Caden.

I gasped, getting up from the couch. I looked around and realized I was back in my room. The television was on and there were snacks and drinks scattered on the table in front of me. Did I fall asleep while we’re watching a movie?! I ran my fingers through my messy hair. Was I that exhausted I passed out?

Turning my head from left to right, I didn’t see Caden. Where did he go? Did he leave without even saying goodbye? He should have woken me up. I felt bad for falling asleep. I could only have Caden for a day and I wasted it by sleeping! Damn it.

I turned the television off. Getting up from the sofa, I grimaced at how messy my room was. It’s embarrassing to bring Caden here. I honestly didn’t expect he’d come here after our little bonding. I wanted to think it was a date but that would be presumptuous of me. I had been convincing myself that I wouldn’t tell Caden my feelings for him, whatever happens. Even if I get tortured or killed over it, I wouldn’t confess. It’d be the only secret I’d bring to my grave.

I left my room to check the garage if Caden’s car was still there. I took my phone out while walking through the corridor. I was planning on calling him, but I didn’t want him to think that I’m starting to become clingy (like how I was before uncle Dom trained him). We only hung out once; he’s had no obligations to be with me every day. I’m aware I wasn’t the only friend Caden had. Unlike him, I couldn’t talk to other people properly. I get awkward and shy; there’s a lot of things why people don’t like me. Caden was the cool one while I’m the…lame one. No one wanted to have a friend like that.

I sighed. I kept thinking about how different Caden was to me. We got separated for two years. He wasn’t the same Caden who was attached to me, whose world revolved around me. He had other priorities now and tons of responsibilities…I’m not as important as I was before for Caden. Things had changed and I just to live with it. My love for him wouldn’t disappear and as much as it hurt to see him slipping out of my reach, it’d be fine. I’m probably going to die loving him but it’s okay.

I went downstairs but abruptly stopped when I heard dad and Caden’s voice. It’s coming from the living room. I thought he left already. A smile resurfaced on my face, but it was quickly gone when I discovered what they were talking about. It was fortunate that the lights were turned off in the house. I didn’t want them to see I was eavesdropping.

“What has been Dom doing these days, Caden?”

I could glass clinking and I reckoned they’re drinking wine. “He’s been busy talking to people,” Caden shortly answered.

“Really? Your dad’s really workaholic, isn’t he?”

I tippy-toed closer to the living room and stood behind the wall. Why was dad talking to Caden…alone? Wait, Caden did say he wanted to talk to dad, but I only thought it’s to greet him. They hadn’t seen each other for a long time. Caden was basically a part of our family in the past since he was always here in our house. “He is,” Caden agreed, chuckling.

“Do you think you can tell me what he’s been up to?” I froze. Why the hell was dad asking about uncle Dom’s activity? Why not just ask him in person?

“Dad’s expanding our territories,” Caden answered. It was short and I could tell he didn’t want to add any information about what his father’s doing. “How about you, sir? Your house is much bigger than when I last visited.”

Dad laughed heartily. “You know I love big houses.” I rolled my eyes. Big houses, luxury cars, expensive items that he clearly didn’t need. His materialistic attitude was always a giveaway I mean just look at our house. There were almost a hundred rooms in here and there were not enough people to occupy it, it’s insane. “I think it’s best if you tell your father not to overwork himself too much.” I noticed the drop on dad’s voice. It wasn’t his usual cheerful and laidback voice, no. What he said was a warning and I’m sure Caden realized it as well. My heart began to pound as I continued to listen to their conversation. “Remember, he’s not young anymore.”

Caden giggled. I was surprised he didn’t take dad’s words as an insult to his father. “Of course, I’ll tell him that.”

“You should visit us often, Caden. Livio’s lonely without you.” I wanted to smack dad on the head. He made it sound like I’m in love with Caden or something!

“I’ll try, sir.”

I quickly hid before Caden could see me behind the wall. But it was already too late. I wasn’t as athletic and fast as Caden or my brothers and in the end, Caden and dad caught me about to leave the wall where I was hiding. “What are you doing?” dad asked, raising a confused brow at me.

“I-I…I got hungry, so I came down,” I said. It was a stupid reason. The kitchen was on the other side of the house.

Caden smiled at me. “It’s not good to eat at midnight, Livi,” he reminded. I remembered it was one in the morning already. I wasn’t really hungry, and it was just a dumb excuse to save myself from humiliation.

“Why are you still up?” dad asked. “It’s way past your bedtime, kid.”

I rolled my eyes at him. I wondered when dad would stop acting like I’m still a twelve-year-old boy. “I just happen to wake up,” I mumbled under my breath. Looking at Caden, I asked, “are you going to stay the night?”

He grinned at me. “Nope, sorry. I need to go.”

Dad shot Caden a look but didn’t stay anything. I tried to hide my disappointed scowl but unfortunately, I couldn’t. I thought Caden would stay over and spend the night with me. As I said, I’m not the priority anymore. “Okay,” I said, smiling sadly at him.

Caden waved a hand at dad who only nodded his head. I went with him outside to get to his car. “Thanks again for hanging out with me,” I said with a shrug of a shoulder. I refused to let him see how upset I was. I forced a smile as I walked with him to his car. “I know it’s been a boring day, but I enjoyed it. Thanks again.”

He stopped in his tracks, looking back at me with furrowed eyebrows. “It wasn’t boring. I enjoyed myself too. It was fun hanging around with you. It brings back the memories.”

I wasn’t sure if he’s only saying it to make me feel better. But I wanted to believe his words were genuine. I’m too tired to even ponder if he’s being truthful or not because honestly, I couldn’t tell. “Thanks.”

Caden smiled at me. “I’ll see you on school,” he said. Unlocking his door, he got in. I watched him turn the car around to face the gate. Before driving away, his window rolled down. “Tell your dad to be careful,” he said, smiling at me.

I wanted to ask him what he meant by that, but he already drove away.

I entered the house, closed the door behind me and went to where dad was. He stayed in the living room, sitting on the couch as he finished his glass of wine. “What were you talking about Caden?” I asked.

Dad crossed his legs. “Nothing you need to know, Livio.”

I got used to my father pushing me away from their business. I wasn’t like my brothers who were strong and had a mindset of a psychopath (perfect for the Mafia). Dad knew I was useless to him when it comes to the family business. I didn’t give a damn. I didn’t want a part of their world. But hearing how dad blatantly warned Caden about uncle Dom’s business bothered me more than it should. They had been friends for a very long time, and they owned a lot of establishments and territories together. I know for a fact that the Saverio family was always ahead of the Vaccarino. I didn’t partake in anything related to the Mafia, but I wasn’t dumb. I still eat at the same table and I hear every conversation they had. The Saverio technically owns the Vaccarinos. They might not show it, but dad had uncle Dom by the neck. We were bigger in number; we had a lot of territories compared to them and all their properties were almost owned by the Saverios.

Was the reason why dad was asking about uncle Dom was that he’s getting worried about what Caden had been doing? He took over a territory that another group owned—under the Saverio name. Dad clearly didn’t know about that since he asked Caden about it when he first arrived. Usually, dad had to know what the Vaccarinos were doing. I hated saying it, but he acts like his uncle Dom’s boss. Their family was under ours, it’s not that he acts like the boss. Dad was the boss.

“Are you worried that uncle Dom might be stealing your position?”

My question made dad laughed out loud. It was as if I threw him a joke. “You don’t know a thing about the Vaccarinos, Livio.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. I had known them since I was a kid. Uncle Dom was my father’s friend. They maintained a good relationship for decades. Unlike other groups who tend to fall out due to greed and envy, the Saverios and the Vaccarinos stayed loyal to each other. Or was I wrong? “You tell me,” I said.

Dad stared at me. He c****d his head, motioning me to sit next to him. I did. “The Vaccarinos are sly, Livio. Dom is an opportunistic man. If he sees an opening, he’d slither his way in and take everything.”

I furrowed my brows at him. “But…he’s never done that to you, right?” Even before becoming business partners, they were friends. They had…a relationship outside the Mafia and I always think that it’s one of the reasons why they’re still together.

“Because I have been very, very careful,” dad reasoned out. “Do you think we’ll stay on top if I wasn’t taking extreme precautions.”

“So, are you saying that the Vaccarinos might betray us?” I asked.

Dad smirked. “No, Dom won’t dare.”

“Why is that?” I asked.

He turned to look at me, his smile turning crooked. “Stop asking me questions and go to bed,” he said, completely ignoring my question.

I pouted at him. “That’s not fair! Why can’t you even tell me about that?”

“Because it doesn’t concern you. You should just study.”

“I am studying.” I’m studying too much, I’m forgetting what it’s like to be a teenager.

Dad chuckled, ruffling my hair. “I have a favor to ask you, Livio.”

I perked up. It’s not everyday dad get to ask me a favor. “What is it?”

“Monitor Caden’s movement.”

Going back to my room, I kept thinking about what dad said. He wanted me to keep an eye on Caden. My eyes were always been on him for damn sake. I had been in love with the guy for years! Without even seeing, I could tell he’s close by just from his smell. That’s how much I’m obsessed with him. Well, not creepy obsessed but just…he’s special to me!

Dad told me he wasn’t worried about the Vaccarinos but if that were true, why did he ask me to track Caden’s movement? Did he send me to school just so that I could stay close to Caden? No, that’s impossible. This was the only time dad asked me to do something related to the Mafia. And I find it strange that he’s only asking now. All my life he never intended to make me join the Saverios.

I sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the couch where Caden and I were a few hours ago. I’m so stupid for falling asleep. But yesterday was…unforgettable. Caden was with me for the whole day and not only did he say he wasn’t bored (he could be lying but I wanted to believe he was saying the truth), he was so patient and kind and a total gentleman. I kept falling in love with him and it’s not good! He’s so handsome today and he smelled so good. And his smiles and laughs and how cool he was when those guys started a fight with him, and he wasn’t even bothered—ugh I had to stop thinking about Caden or else I would be doomed!

It’s amazing how my feelings for him didn’t change even when we were away for two years. I just loved Caden so much.

I collapsed on the bed with a loud sigh. I wished yesterday didn’t end. Glancing at the couch one more time, I noticed Caden’s jacket slung on the seat. I quickly hopped off my bed to grab it. He left his jacket! This would give me another reason to talk to him! Should I text him right now and tell him he left something in my room? No, that’d make me look like I’m crazy. Maybe I should wait tomorrow and then text him he left his jacket. But I wanted an excuse to talk to him! It’s only been minutes and I’m missing him already.

Screw it, I’m calling him. I couldn’t act like this when we’re at school. He had a different world with different people surrounding him and all I could do was watch him from a distance. I already gave up of expecting a relationship with him for obvious reasons, I didn’t want to give up talking to him and acting like we’re friends because I’m scared of what other people might say. At least I wanted to be close to him when we’re alone.

I dialed Caden’s number and while it was ringing, I realized he might still be driving back to his house. A few seconds of ringing and I was ready to hang up when he suddenly picked up the call. “Hello?”

“C-Caden!” Okay, my voice was a little bit high. “Sorry, I called. You left your jacket.”

“I did?”

“Yeah, and—” I swore my heart almost stopped when I heard a moan coming from his side of the line. I felt cold and I began to sweat. “S-sorry, I—” I didn’t know what to say. My words were stuck in my throat and I needed someone to hit me on the back to let it out.

The moans were muffled. “Sorry, I’m quite busy. I’ll call you later, okay?”

He hung up the phone, leaving me with a hanging jaw and wide eyes. It was a woman, it had to be. I dropped on the sofa and clutched his jacket next to my face. I should have waited for tomorrow to call him.

Waking up in the morning wasn’t really something I look forward to. I dragged myself into the bathroom to take a quick shower. I didn’t sleep last night. I kept thinking about Caden and the girl who was with him. Why am I so stupid?! I already said to myself a hundred times that there’s no point being jealous. Caden’s straight and he could date any girl he wanted to. I bet he had dated a lot. He’s very handsome, very fit, very cool, very smart and very charming, everyone loved him. It’s not surprising if he had a girlfriend.

I wouldn’t be mad. I had no right to be mad. It’s his life.

After I put my clothes on, I continued dragging myself to the dining room. Hugo and Louis were already at the table eating their breakfast with dad. As soon as they saw me walking in like a zombie, they laughed in mockery.

“Oh god, how could you look more worst than before, Livi?” Hugo teased, nudging Louis’ arm as they both laughed in unison.

How perfect. My brothers loved tormenting me and right now, my face was something they’d love to make fun of. “Good morning to you too,” I mumbled.

These two were twins but they had distinct details that helped me to tell them apart. Both had brown curly hair and blue eyes, but Hugo had a mole under his left eye while Louis had none. Also, Louis was a lot taller than his twin and his voice was deeper and huskier. The tattoos they had on their arms and neck also helped me differentiate them. Hugo had a dragon around his right arm and Louis had a tiger tattooed on his left forearm.

Sitting beside Louis, he put an arm around my shoulders and leaned closer to my ear. “I heard Caden was here last night. You two f****d?”

I quickly pushed him away. I didn’t like the way he joked about my relationship with Caden. I was in love with him, but I didn’t want to think about him in that way. “Shut up, Louis!”

He burst into another howl of laughter while Hugo snickered. “You’re so gay for him, Livi. It’s so obvious!”

I grabbed my bag and stormed out of the room. I wasn’t in the mood to play along with them. They never stopped bullying me, saying I was gay for not being able to carry out my duty as a Saverio, that I’m a crybaby and a coward. I’d been suffering from their verbal abuse ever since I was born and never did they make me feel I’m a part of the family.

“Livio! Where are you going?!” dad asked.

“Come on, Livi! We’re just joking around!”

“Yeah, come back here and eat your sausages!”

I fastened my pace and got out of the house, slamming the door with a loud bang.

I drove my old and beaten up car at school. We had dozens of luxury cars parked at home, but I loved my jeep. Dad gave it to me as a gift after I got my driving license even though he told me I didn’t need it. But like I said a million times, I’m not a part of the Mafia and I would never be a part of it.

Finding a parking lot was always brutal. The cool kids had their own space where they always hang out while waiting for the bell to ring. I recognized Caden’s black BMW. I wanted to park next to it but there were already cars occupying the spot next to him. After I found a vacant parking space, I got out of my car and went straight inside the building.

My first class was Math. Not that I hated it but it’s not my best subject. While I was pulling out my books in the locker room, a bunch of guys from the party where Caden invited me to go walked past me. One of them purposely bumped onto me and if I didn’t hold onto the locker, I would have fallen on my ass. “Ouch!” the guy who hit me cried out, obviously faking the hurt in his voice. His friends gathered around me.

“You did this?” It was Kelly, Caden’s friend. I thought he’d recognize me from the party but unfortunately, my face wasn’t really that memorable.

“Sorry,” I said, quickly apologizing. I didn’t want to make matters worse. I didn’t want a fight, certainly not with Caden’s friends.

“Watch where you’re going, stupid,” one of them said. Great, not only am I getting bullied at home, the school had to join in too.

“I’m really sorry.” It was pathetic to hear myself apologize like this. It wasn’t my fault, clearly. I was just minding my own business. But these guys had to prove to themselves that they’re significant. It’s to boost their ego; make them more manly to impress the girls. I had been in school for a year and I learned how petty people were, especially teenagers.

I braced myself when the one who bumped into me reached out to grab my collar but before he could touch me, Caden appeared by my side. He gripped the guy’s wrist, forcing him to back away from me. “Caden!” Kelly called out. “What’s the problem, man?”

“Don’t touch him,” Caden warned. The guy started writhing in pain as his grip tightened. One more squeeze and he’d be able to snap his wrist. “I’ll kill you.”

“F-f**k, agh! It hurts! f**k! L-let go, f**k!”

The others began to panic but no one could do anything. They were all frozen to their feet while they watch their friend get mauled by Caden. I began to worry about him. I didn’t want him to be enemies with these people. They’re his friends! “Caden! Stop it!”

As soon as I screamed at him, he let the guy go. He slammed my locker door closed, grabbed my bag from me and started pulling me out of the hallway.

“Caden!” Kelly yelled his name again but Caden didn’t turn around to acknowledge his call.