To Love & To Hold

It wasn’t just any kiss, it was warm, tender and passionate. Well, so Ericka thought as she opened her eyes to look softly at the man that she had spent almost all of her waking hours with, except for their college classes, as Ericka was an English Major and what the other students called ‘her pseudo husband’ was completing a Doctorate in fitness Dominic, who owned the apartment and her landlord he was a year older then her. As this was her last year at the college, and at that point, Ericka never thought that they would ever kiss, but as she tried to kiss Dominic back, but as their lips nearly met together once more when Dominic said, “Don’t even think about it.” As he pulled away and stood up. “But I thought you wanted me to,” Ericka said in shock, sitting up straighter and fixing her clothes, her face red from embarrassment and her mind full of confusion. After all, it was Dominic who pulled her in for the kiss in the first place. “I guess I should just go back to my room; classes start early tomorrow.” As the last of her words left her mouth, she rose from the lounge and walked off, leaving him standing there watching as she walked away. She knew what this meant; she’d have to leave as per her agreement with Dominic in her contract when she signed the lease with him. Nothing could happen between them, or she’d have to move out. Three years on, now they were here, and he had started it, but that didn’t matter; the agreement didn’t say it mattered who tried to start something, just if it happened, she had to go. She had prepared for this day, saved a good amount of money even while renting the room from Dominic, so it looked like it was time to enact her backup plan. It was her turn to make breakfast, but since he’d be taking care of himself in the morning, as she had places to be, she’d just leave a note that she was going to the library to study first. Although that was code for I’m leaving not that he would have noticed. Back in the living room, Dominic sank back on the couch, ‘What the f**k just happened? Ok, I kissed her, she tried to kiss me, then I pushed her away, and then she just gets up and leaves like it didn’t just happen.’ He thought to himself, ‘Why didn’t she say anything?’ Dominic ran his hands over his face, feeling his pulse still racing from that moment. The warmth of her lips lingered, taunting him. He'd wanted to kiss her for months, even years, if he was being honest with himself. And when he finally did, he'd pushed her away. "i***t," he muttered to the empty room. The apartment suddenly felt too quiet without Ericka's presence. Her scent, that vanilla and something uniquely her, still hung in the air. The contract had seemed like a good idea three years ago. Professional boundaries. No complications. But now it felt like the stupidest thing he'd ever done. He grabbed his phone from the coffee table, staring at the screen. Should he text her? Apologize? But for what exactly, kissing her or stopping? His thumb hovered over her name in his contacts. The memory of her expression when he'd pulled away haunted him. That flash of hurt in her eyes before she'd composed herself. Ericka had always been good at hiding her feelings, but he'd seen it clearly this time. Dominic stood up and paced across the living room. The lease agreement had been his idea, his way of protecting himself from getting too attached. He'd seen too many friendships and living arrangements destroyed by messy relationships. But somehow, over the years, Ericka had become more than just a tenant or a friend. Their morning routines, studying together late into the night, the way she always left sticky notes with terrible jokes on the refrigerator—all of it had become as essential as breathing. He stopped by the window, looking out at the darkened campus in the distance. Tomorrow was another day of classes, another day of pretending nothing had changed. But everything had. "s**t," he whispered, leaning his forehead against the cool glass. He had to fix this before it was too late. What he needed was a plan. Dominic pushed away from the window and headed down the hallway, pausing outside Ericka's closed door. No light seeped from underneath. Was she already asleep? Or just sitting in the dark, as confused as he was? His knuckles hovered inches from the wood. One knock could change everything. But what would he say? 'Sorry I kissed you then acted like a complete ass'? 'I've wanted to do that for years, but I'm terrified of what happens next'? The words died in his throat. He lowered his hand and retreated to his own bedroom, closing the door with a soft click. Sleep didn't come easily. Dominic tossed and turned, replaying the moment over and over. The softness of her lips. The small, surprised sound she'd made when he'd pulled her close. The hurt in her eyes when he'd pushed her away. When his alarm blared at 5:30 AM, he'd barely slept. He dragged himself to the kitchen, expecting to find Ericka already there making breakfast as she did every Tuesday morning. The kitchen was empty. No coffee brewing, no smell of the banana pancakes she always made before their early classes. Instead, there was a yellow sticky note on the refrigerator: "Gone to the library to study. Don't wait up. - E" Something about the note felt wrong. Ericka never skipped their breakfast routine, not even during finals week. She claimed it was the only thing keeping her sane. Dominic opened the fridge, staring blankly at the contents. A half-empty carton of eggs. Milk. The blueberries he'd bought were her favourite. The apartment felt too quiet without her humming off-key while she cooked. Without her teasing him about his protein shakes or his obsession with perfectly folded laundry.