opia [h.s au]

Chapter 14

HARRY'S POV: 

Hot.

The bed is too bloody hot and the warmness surrounding my body is starting to feel uncomfortable, but my mind seem to be too exhausted to properly wake up.

I fight the sleepy state I'm in, peeling my eyes open against my body's will and for a split second I forget where I am, looking around in confusion til it strikes me.

I'm on Billie's bed.

Darting my eyes I see her tiny naked body curled beside me, her face relaxed and f**k, she looks like an angel while she sleeps heavily, one of her arms resting above my chest, the skin to skin contact increasing the warmth of the bed and suddenly I feel suffocated.

Shit, I need to get out of here.

I already broke too many of my own rules with Billie, can't just ignore that and stay on her bed til she wakes up.

When I stepped out of her bathroom and entered her room to grab my clothes, she was already fast asleep. It was the perfect opportunity to just take my clothes and leave, as I usually do after having an one night stand but for some reason I can't figure out, something made me feel pulled towards her and before I could even think straight, I was already sneaking under her blanket and laying by her side.

It will be just a little nap. I promised myself as I gently yanked her body towards me, sneaking one arm over her waist. Too tired to drive now, I'll just rest a bit before I go.

However, seems like I slept all damn night, the morning light breaking through the thin fabric of Billie's room curtains. Worst part being that must have been the best night of sleep I had ever since I arrived this f*****g city.

That's just because you had s*x. I reason with myself, trying to shove away any kind of irrational thoughts the soft side of my brain could have.

Billie moves on the bed, shuffling her body and I hold my breath, praying to God she won't wake up. Luckily I was heard and she just adjusts herself, her back now turned to me and I sigh in relief, carefully squirming out of the bed.

Time to go.

~*~

I arrive at Gem's apartment a little past seven in the morning, feeling renewed after such a great night of sleep.

She is still visiting Adam and I hope they will manage to resolve whatever new fight they just got into - I'm tired of seeing my sister crying and sad over some dipstick who doesn't know how to treat a woman right.

Not that I know anything about it - I'm just a f*****g hypocrite.

I mean, I've just sneaked off an amazing girl's bed after she wrecked my world with the most intense orgasm I have felt in years. It shouldn't be so hard for me to stay in and wake up next to her, maybe even cook something for us to have breakfast in bed, to give us some nutrition before starting the round two.

Maybe if I wasn't so f****d up in the brain, I could've done that.

But reality sucks and I know better than that. I know myself and I'm strict to my own rules, although I already broke two of them for Billie.

Actually ever since I saw her from the first time I've been not acting like myself. Billie seems to have some kind of spell that breaks my resolve completely every time I come near her.

My first rule is to never take a girl out on a date. Our interactions will always have one and only intent, which is to f**k. However, with Billie I not only cooked her dinner as I actually took her out the next night, picking her up at home and chatting with her for hours before we even got into some kind of action whatsoever.

I also never f**k someone I consider a friend, and damn it, I do enjoy talking to her and her company in general, not only because of the s*x but for her personality as well. She is absurdly interesting and when I'm around her I have this need of getting to know her better.

That's why last night should never have happened.

I don't date and although I made that pretty clear to Billie, I sure sent some mixed signs over the past few days, I'm completely aware of that. I'd never claimed not to be a fuckboy but I know I'm not a f*****g jerk, at least I try very hard not to be.

As if cooking her dinner and taking her out on the next night wasn't enough, I just couldn't keep my f*****g mouth shut last night while we f****d. She felt so damn good and our bodies connected impossibly right together, the words just rolled out of my mouth which was completely disconnected from my mind.

I always had a dirty mouth and won't ever try to deny it, but last night was more than just a few nasty words. I told her she felt like heaven, and f**k, she actually did. I admitted not being able to take her out of my mind for six f*****g months and Jesus, I told her I could f**k her until the end of my days.

Hate being dishonest to people and however I said all of that in the heat of the moment, the words left my mouth anyway. And I know how misleading that could be.

Because my third and last rule is very simple.

Never have s*x with the same person more than once.

It was never a problem to me before. Once I f**k someone, that's it for me. All my curiosity is cured and I just lose my interest over that person, whoever he or she may be. It's not that I'm trying to be a cold person, that's just the way I am.

I don't think my mind was wired to romance and this kind of stuff, I've probably was made from a broken mold. I just don't feel the way other people seem to feel, for me that's no such thing as love or attachments whatsoever.

Being in a relationship is asking to being hurt, look what happened to Billie for instance. Even better, look how Gem has been suffering with long periods without seeing Adam to just fight with him every time they talk to each other. I just don't have time for that kind of bullshit.

Although I think love is a great concept, for me it is unreal, just a tale invented to make life more bearable. It's all good and fun on theory but in reality it sucks. It sucks because isn't realistic to put so much expectation on someone else, to the point of trusting they will not hurt you.

Reality is, people sucks and they'll always disappoint you, so what is the point of trying? We are born alone and we will die alone too, there's no f*****g sense in trying live differently than that.

Sex is more like a physiological matter, everybody needs to have it. It isn't healthy not to. So during my entire life I've successfully avoided any emotional attachments at all costs, and now it's not different.

Billie is a really nice person, she deserves what is best for her and I'm definitely not. I'm not wired for this kind of feelings, this kind of commitment. However I'm a very loving person towards my friends and family, when it comes to be romantically connected with somebody I am completely useless.

That's just the way I am, and honestly I don't want to change that. I've been perfectly fine like that...

Well, actually I don't think I'll ever be just perfectly fine again but that's not because of it. But I don't want to think about that.

I step towards the kitchen, plugging my dead phone to the charger while I bake some pancakes and make fresh coffee, trying to distract myself from the guilty of leaving Billie before saying goodbye.

Worst part is, she will continue to be part of my life, at least during my staying on this f*****g city. And I don't even have the exact timeframe I'll need in order to be able to come back to live by my own. I know I'll never be able to have the same lifestyle I've been having for the past few years but guess I will be able to find a way in the middle of being wild and responsible with myself at the same time.

Fuck, why it had to be so f*****g great?

No matter how much I try to distract myself or how much I overthink and overanalyze every damn reason for considering that a mistake, at the back of my mind I still can't get rid of Billie's gorgeous facing screwing in pleasure while I f****d her senseless.

I have been with many, many women in my life, as well as men, and s*x never felt so damn good as it was with Billie. The sound of her moans and the way her body answered to every single one of my touches, I've never felt so aroused by someone like that.

Every detail about Billie is appealing for me somehow. She is not only pretty as f**k, she is also funny, authentic and smart. To top all of that I find her incredibly sexy, however not the way I usually think that. Billie is not like the other women I know, she is not fake and she definitely doesn't try to be seductive and mysterious all the time. She is actually the opposite to that - authentic as f**k the entire time.

When I talk to Billie I don't feel like she is exaggerating things or sharing fake stories just to try and impress me. She doesn't try to seem like someone other than herself, and that almost naïve way of seeing things is what makes her so damn appealing to me.

The way our bodies connected felt unbelievable and if I was the kind of person who believes in fate, I would probably think she is like my soulmate or whatever. Our chemistry is undeniable and every time I'm around Billie is like there's a hook in my stomach pulling me towards her.

As if any of that was enough to make my head feel dizzy in confusion, I'm also feeling guilty for escaping from her bed at sunrise and leaving without even saying goodbye. Billie seemed to look forward to f**k, even telling me that she doesn't want a boyfriend or whatever, but I know that she didn't mean to f**k and flee like I did.

It's obvious that s*x is something meaningful for her - after all, she said herself I was her first and only one night stand and before that she was in a relationship since forever. And yet I had to think with my d**k, being the selfish motherfucker I am, going through with something that I know she won't be able to handle properly afterwards.

Everything about Billie is new to me. The way she makes me feel and how I can't seem to be able to take her out of my head. And that's precisely why I need to keep my distance from her. I know that I said that before and I really tried to do so, and here I am a week later making myself the same promise.

But this time I'll have to keep it.

From now on I'll have to stay away from Billie.