opia [h.s au]

Chapter 32

Life is good.

Actually it has been great for me for the last past weeks.

I'll be honest, part of me expected to wake up alone after Harry wrecked my world that night, but instead I woke up with a very cuddly green eyed kitten who couldn't take his hands off of me.

Day after day, Harry has all my resolves crumbling around me. After Sam I promised myself I would never again give so much of me to someone else, I made a vow that I would never give that much power over me to another person. I wouldn't allow another heartbreak.

However, I'm finding myself getting more and more attached to Harry and frankly I don't think that's anything I could do about it now. It's not only the s*x that is a-f*****g-mazing, but once he puts that rough, fuckboy exterior aside, he is one of the sweetest persons I've ever had the pleasure to meet.

For the past three weeks Harry and I have seen each other almost everyday and as always, things has been quite intense between the two of us. There was days where Harry shut down completely, barely answering for my texts and keeping me completely in the dark about his whereabouts. Those was the nights I barely slept, worrying about him and trying to ignore the jealous thoughts running around my mind.

The only thing that kept me sane during days like that was knowing that Harry was safe, locked up in his room on Gem's apartment.

Usually, on the next day, Harry acts like nothing has happened, being his normal, cuddly self who picks me up at work, cooks dinner for me and f***s me so good I can barely walk in the day after.

I won't lie, keeping up with his mood changes is hard as f**k and sometimes I end up worrying obsessively about his well-being.

What bugs me the most is the fact he still hasn't told me about therapy, medicine treatment or anything related to his depression. He still acts like he is here on NY just to spend some time with Gem and "take care of some business", never actually opening up about it.

It bugs me because I don't think he trust me enough to tell me about it, and it kinda hurts. I don't feel like I'm worthy of his secrets and sometimes it makes me think he is just expending some of his time with me, without actually wanting to make it last longer than necessary.

However, for most of the time Harry is caring, thoughtful and sweet towards me, and his natural charming way just makes him be even more attractive to me. For the last few days he is all that I can think about and I don't think this is going away so soon.

Harry got me completely hooked and I hate to admit that I'm getting more and more attached as the days go by.

For two people who didn't want to date or have any kind of relationship, Harry and I got used to our little routine pretty fast and I won't even try to deny it, I'm adoring it.

Don't know if I could say we are a couple, but we are something. Maybe friends with benefits, f**k-buddies or something like that... I'm pretty sure Harry would run without looking back if I said the words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend".

Well to be honest I may as well run away at the sound of that. I'm still not ready, specially with Harry who doesn't even trust me enough to tell me about his problems.

Anyway, there's two people we can actually call a boyfriend and girlfriend. Are you ready for the hottest news so far?

Gemma and Dom.

Are.

Dating.

Crazy, right?!

It caught me totally by surprise, but I have to say, I'm so f*****g happy for the both of them. At first I thought it may be a little rushed, specially considering that Gem just broke up with Adam, the cheating bastard, but seeing those two together convinced me they are meant to be.

I've never seen Dom so calm, so in peace. It's strange to see my best friend not being the usual slut he is, but I'm loving to see how hooked he is for Gemma. They're spending all weekends together, as well as most of the days of the week and it's endearing to watch it.

Their relationship is so new and yet so f*****g perfect, seems like they're together forever. Dom is a f*****g sappy for her, and Gem's skin have a glow I've never seen on her before. She looks happier than she ever did ever since I've met her and the change in Dom's way of living life is overwhelmingly huge but awfully endearing at the same time.

He stopped going out every night, stopped clubbing and partying so hard and, when he actually needs to go to any of these kind of events, he brings Gem along. They seem so naturally perfect together I'm surprised they getting together didn't happen earlier.

In the end of the day, Adam cheating on Gemma was the best thing that could ever have happened to her. I still want to kill that motherfucker for making her cry, but at least the terrible events had a great outcome for her.

It makes me wonder if being cheated by Annabelle and Sam is also a good thing or if it just resulted in me being incapable of ever trusting in someone else again.

I mean, I'm a complete fool for Harry, that's true, but I can't say that I trust him. As much as he has been wonderful to me, I still don't know for how long it's going to last, and the fact he doesn't feel comfortable enough to share with me personal things about himself just adds to my already distrustful way of thinking.

For instance, today is my first day off in ages. I earned it after almost going crazy during the last few days of Gemma's vacations, so when she came back Robin, our boss, gave me a day to rest in the midst of the week.

I tried to schedule something with Harry, wanted to go out with him and maybe do something a normal "couple" would do, even though we are not officially a couple. I asked him if we could go out and see a movie, maybe have dinner later, but he was having a bad day yesterday and only said he wasn't in the mood of going out.

When I asked him if he would at least spend the day with me, he was very nonchalant, saying that he had a thing scheduled for this afternoon and would probably just be able to stop by at night.

I'm trying with all my power not to dwell in self-doubt but the possibility of Harry being already tired of me still cripples inside of my mind and as much I would like to, there's nothing I can do about it.

Even though I know it's not healthy to compare things that are not actually comparable, Harry is probably getting bored of staying in with me every night, watching endless movies and TV shows and eating junk food when he is not in the mood for cooking. Harry is only 25 and already have traveled all around the world, have met all kinds of people and gone to all kinds of parties, of course being with me would bore the hell out of him.

I hate to admit that this possibility kept my up almost the entire night, and for once I'm glad I'm off work today, I feel like a damn zombie with the lack of sleep. It's still fivesh in the morning and maybe if I eat something I'll be able to sleep for a few hours.

With that in mind, I roll out of the bed, crawling to the kitchen with my comforter still wrapped around my body. Digging the leftover pizza from the fridge, I sit at the kitchen counter, one of my eyes partly closed while I chomp the cold pizza.

It tastes like cardboard.

As I take the last bite of the cardboard pizza, my heart almost jumps out of my chest when there's a loud knock in my front door.

What the f**k?

I swear to God that if it's that f*****g building manager with another complaint about the volume of my TV I'm gonna f*****g lose it. It's five in the f*****g morning for f***s sake!

He knock again and I almost run towards the door, my face red with anger and without even thinking about it I crack the door open violently, ready to some yelling to start this day right.

However, it's not Mr. Johnson with a lame complaint.

It's Harry, wearing a grey fedora hat and carrying a f*****g huge backpack, his camera laying around his neck and that f*****g dimpled smile that makes my insides melt instantaneously.

"Morning, B." His smile goes wider and he steps inside of my apartment "Sorry for the loud knock, I thought you might be sleeping."

"What t-" I'm cut off by Harry's lips smashing against my own as he gives me a loud, lingering kiss.

"Thought you wanted to do something funny today" He shrugs, giving me a once over as I wrap the comforter tighter around my body.

"Thought you had a thing and wasn't in the mood for fun" I huff back and Harry grin goes wider with the bitterness in my voice.

"I'm full of surprises, dear" He winks than hugs me and I can't help but melt a little inside of his arms. I know, I should be ashamed of being so f*****g weak, but I don't care. "Missed you" Harry says in a lower tone, planting a kiss on the top of my head.

Nuzzling my face on the curve of his neck, I inhale the smell that became such an important part of my routine this past few weeks. The sweet smell of vanilla mixed with stronger notes of bitter nuances that now is not only kinda homy for me, but at the same time is erotic, lovely and completely intoxicating.

Is the scent that resides in my bed after a night of cuddles with Harry, the scent that lingers in my clothes after we spend a whole day together. It's the smell that overwhelms me when I'm screaming out of pleasure with my face buried in his chest.

"C'mon, we're already late" Harry breaks from the kiss and smacks my butt with his open palm "Go change, I'll make you some coffee!" He steps towards the kitchen.

"Where are we going?" I giggle, unwrapping my arms around his neck and suddenly feeling a little empty.

"It's a surprise" Harry yells from the kitchen "Have you eaten breakfast?"

"It's five in the f*****g morning!" I huff, walking right behind him "But yeah, just ate a slice of cold pizza."

"Cold pizza? Isn't that depressing?" Harry chuckles "Are you still hungry?"

I shrug, watching his movements while he opens the cupboard to take my coffee machine. "Go change, we're late!" Harry rushes me again.

"How will I know what am I supposed to wear? I don't know where we are going!" I mumble under my breath, turning my back to go to my room.

"Something comfortable!" Harry beams from the kitchen when I throw the comforter over the bed, entering my bathroom in order to at least brush my teeth and wash my face.

I end up putting on some makeup as well, trying to hide the dark circles under my eyes that totally gives away I had a restless night of sleep. I don't to admit to Harry how concerned he has me over his frequent mood changes.

When I step out of the bathroom, Harry is sitting on the edge of my bed, holding two cups of coffee that smells delicious. He raises his eyebrows to me when our eyes meet. "Aren't you dressed yet? What took you so long?"

"I was doing my makeup" I roll my eyes, opening the wardrobe doors to search for something comfortable that is still cute and kind of dressy.

I mean, although most of the time I'm with Harry I'm wearing my pajamas or nothing at all, I still like to look good in front of him and if this surprise thing is going to be some kind of date, I want to be beautiful.

I choose a comfortable outfit, high waist mom jeans, a white tank top and an oversized knitted cardigan in a pretty shade of burgundy. Harry is watching my every movement and suddenly I feel very self-conscious about changing in front of him.

As if reading my mind, Harry jolts from the bed, leaving the two cups over my nightstand and towering over me, his intense gaze making my skin shiver.

"Let me help you." With a cheeky smile, Harry fumbles his hands under my t-shirt, hovering his fingers on my warm skin and taking a step closer, leaning down so his mouth is ghosting over mine.

My stomach does a complete backflip and I suddenly forget how to breath, completely engulfed by his presence. I close my eyes when he touches my lips with his, savoring the soft sensation of his mouth against mine, which contrasts with the harsh feeling of his unshaved beard pricking my skin.

Harry teases his tongue and I open my mouth slightly, welcoming him and a sweet, lingering kiss that makes my stomach clench and my heart beat faster. He pulls my body gently against his and I cup his face with both my hands and feels like there's no one else in the world besides us.

He laps his tongue around mine and hums inside of my mouth, suddenly pulling me harder against him and deepening the kiss to a faster pace that gets me panting in a matter of seconds.

"f**k" Harry hiss under his breath, breaking from the kiss and leaning his forehead against mine "Can't get enough of you, B" He sighs "But we are going to be late, I need you to change ok? I'll be waiting in the living room".

Nodding, I take a deep breath while Harry lets me go and turn on his heels, leaving my bedroom. Jesus, the effect this guy have over me is unbelievable, I swear one of these days I'll just die because I totally forget how to breath in his presence.

~*~

A six hours drive later and Harry is finally parking in hour final destination. He kept the mystery the entire way here, giving me vague answers every single time I asked him where are we going.

To be honest I'm not even that concerned about our destination, I'm was just happy to be expending so much time with Harry, and I gotta say, driving with him turned out to be very funny.

We talked and laughed, sharing little caring touches and smiles. Harry had the time of his life making me blush hard with his dirty remarks out of the blue and although I was wishing the ground would crack under my feet and engulf me already, I also had a great time.

"Surprise!" Harry beams as soon as we leave the car, stretching our backs and putting on our sunglasses, although it's not sunny the day is very bright.

We're in front of the entrance of a big ass park, a big board informing that it's the Panama Rocks Park. I turn my gaze for Harry who have the biggest grin in his face and looks freaking beautiful.

"Harry!" I can't help but smile "I always wanted to come here! How did you know?"

Harry shrugs, suddenly blushing and darting his eyes from mine, looking like a shy little boy. "Gem helped. I was planning to have an escape from reality with you and she suggested we could go to a park and be around the nature for a while... So you liked it?"

'It's f*****g perfect!" I squeal, throwing my arms around his shoulders and burying my face on the curve of his neck.

His smile goes bigger and he hugs me back, kissing the top of my head and squeeze my body a little before letting me go. "I have the entire day planned, let's go already!"

He sounds like a little boy and it's so endearing to see him dropping his usual mysterious and grumpy behavior, he looks so good with a carefree smile playing on his full lips and the skin around his eyes are even a little wrinkled. I wish I could see this side of him more often.

"I hope your shoes are comfortable, we have a little trekking to do" Harry winks, taking my hand with his and intertwining our fingers together "Let's go!"

I try to ignore how fast my heart is racing, but it doesn't work. I don't know what makes me more surprised - if it's the fact that Harry just grabbed my hand with such naturality or how right it feels to walk holding hands with him. The warmth oozing from his skin is so soothing, and he is in such a light mood I'm having urges to laugh out of the blue.

I'm so f*****g happy to be here with him.

Looking back to how our interactions were when we met before, it's almost unbelievable how much our relationship evolved. Sometimes I feel like I know Harry for a lifetime, but actually it has been less than four months since the day Gem introduced him to me. And less than a year since that night at Sinner.

It's crazy how much has happened between us, all of our interactions was always so overwhelmingly intense it feels like so much more time has passed. I've never felt like this towards another person, such intensity and purpose. Harry awakes a different part of me, someone I'm yet to figure out entirely.

To think that he actually planned to spent this day with me, not only making me company but actually searching for something different for us to do together. I wonder if he already had it all planned yesterday, when he was in a such a bad mood, or if he lied to me about wanting to be alone so he could prepare everything.

One way or another, the sleepless night I had was worthy it. If I had to give up sleeping in order to have this smiley, happy Harry around me forever, I would do it gladly.

After forty minutes of a light trek, we finally arrive to a big space with a lot of threes and a low grass on the floor. Harry picks up a place under a big ass three and open his backpack, revealing a lot of pots, a big towel, a bottle of wine and another filled with water.

I can't believe this.

He planned a f*****g picnic for us?

It's official, I'm totally gonna die today. He is being just too f*****g cute and my heart cannot bare with it, I'm going to have a heart attack.

"Oh, f**k you Harry" I blurt out and before he can think of something to say, I jump to his arms, planting several kisses all over his face, making loud lame noises but there's no one around to hear it and laugh at our expense.

I know I'm being f*****g cheesy but there's only so much I can stand without turning into a big Care Bear and today Harry just pushed it. There's nothing I can do about it.

"It's just a meal, get your s**t together" Harry chuckles, but his eyes are sparkling too much for me to believe he isn't have a meltdown just like me.

We sit over the towel and Harry serves me with a cup of wine, taking the water bottle for himself. He opens all the pots, revealing different kinds of sandwiches, a veggie pie and a carrot cake. Everything looks and smells amazing and I feel the urge to hug him again.

"Thank you so much, Harry. Seriously, this is so fucking... Special." My cheeks are hurting for how much I'm smiling "I loved the surprise so much! This must have been so hard to prepare."

"I'm glad" He gives me a coy smile, his cheeks turning a bit red "It's nothing, really.. Just had to bring us something to eat and wanted to do something nice to you..." He shrugs.

Putting my cup of wine down, I crawl over the towel and without asking for permission I tangle myself over Harry's laps, wrapping my legs around his waist. He looks at me with a surprised look when I cup his face and give him a lingering kiss.

As always happens between us, what started sweet gets steamer pretty fast and before a few minutes we're both panting and I feel a little bulge where my thigh meets his crotch.

"Guess I did well bringing you here in the middle of the week" He chuckles, his big hands caressing my back in circles "If it was a weekend there would be a lot of families and little children here, and I don't think they would want to watch us making out."

I giggle, crawling out of his lap unwillingly and only when my stomach grumble loudly I notice how hungry I am.

We eat in comfortable silence, sitting side by side and everything tastes delicious, as Harry's cook usually does. I'm feeling so over the top happy, like nothing in the world would be capable of upsetting my right now.

"Don't you want to take a sip?" I ask him for the hundredth time after finishing my third glass of wine "I need to stop or you'll have to carry me back to the car" The high pitched giggle that escapes from my mouth just proves my point.

"No, thanks" Harry gives me a cheeky smile "You know, if you get drunk and horny I won't be capable of answering for my actions" He winks and I laugh loudly, throwing my head back and everything.

The wine gave me just a little buzz, making me feel lighter and even happier for this perfect afternoon with Harry. Without putting too much thinking on it, I lay on the towel, resting my head on his lap.

He looks down at me, a faint smile playing on his lips and starts playing with my hair gently. I close my eyes, just savoring his tender touch and feeling in peace with the world.

I don't know for how long I stay here with my eyes closed, but when I open them again, Harry is still looking down at me with such intensity on his forest green eyes it catches me off guard. "Sometimes I can't believe in my luck" He whispers, his fingertips now wandering over my face and leaving a hot trail behind.

"For what?" I crease my eyebrows, not understanding his out of the blue statement.

"For having you here with me" He states, his eyes never leaving mine and I feel my cheeks getting red and my heart skips a beat. "It's so f*****g unbelievable."

"Why?" My voice come out s a whisper and feels like if I say it loud, it will break whatever spell that is happening between us right now.

"Because it's you. And it's me. I don't deserve you and yet, you're here."

"Stop saying that." I huff, fighting the urge to roll my eyes.

He stays quiet, and the silence surrounding us is deafening and at the same time feels comfortable, two polar opposites sensations and yet there's no other way I could describe it.

"I'm lucky too" I break the silence after a few minutes, raising my hand so I can touch his face and Harry closes his eyes when my skin touches his. "For having you here with me. This, whatever it is that we have... I'm so f*****g happy for it."

"I'm so broken..." Harry whispers, his eyes still closed "I just don't wanna hurt you."

"Why would you?"

Harry stays quiet for a bit. "Because that's what I do..." He says slowly, as if choosing his words very carefully "I'm broken, empty and I can't give you what you deserve. I'm trying to be better, but I don't know if I'm capable." His voice now sounds so sad, so hurt it actually gives me chest pains.

"You can do whatever you want to do, Harry. I believe in you, and I know you can." I try to find the better words to soothe his agony. "You have such a beautiful soul."

"I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be happy" His voice is so low I almost couldn't hear the words, but a shivering feeling runs down my spine when I make out what he just said.

"Why?"

"Because I'm not worthy it. There's a lot of people who deserves to be happy, I'm not one of them. I don't deserve the life I have. If I was even a little more competent, I would have ended it a long time ago".

My heart catapults inside of my chest and I jolt from his lap, my mouth going dry instantly. Harry looks away with sad eyes and I grab his face with both my hands, forcing him to look at me.

"What do you mean?" I ask intently, pinning my eyes on his and not letting him look away this time. "Talk to me, Harry."

His gaze is so full of sadness and self hatred it feels overbearing just to look at him like that. It hurts to see someone that makes me so f*****g happy be so sad and suddenly I feel powerless.

He sinks his teeth on his bottom lip and sighs before releasing it. "The reason why I'm at Gemma's and in New York is because I've tried to kill myself." Harry blurts out and it's official.

My heart just stopped.

"I have what they call major depression" Harry continues to say, his voice turning to a robotic monotone, washed away from any kind of emotions "It started about the second year I was travelling, when I was twenty. I felt alone for most of the time, I missed my family and my friends, but was too bloody proud to admit that I had made a mistake."

There's tears forming in my eyes and I have to concentrate not to let them roll down my cheeks, for some reason I know Harry wouldn't never forgive himself for making me cry, even though my tears aren't for me, but for him.

"I was too young, too dumb, to make the right decisions and instead of going back home as I should, I relied in booze and drugs to keep my mind numb, to keep those terrible feelings away from me. But it only worked for a while, and after sometime the hangover was even worse than how I was feeling before." His voice is still so calm, so f*****g emotionless it sounds wrong, as if he is not telling something that happened to him.

"I made such terrible mistakes... I slept around with people I didn't even know the name, I binge snorted coke for two days straight, I destroyed families because of my promiscuous behavior, I hurted a lot of people because I'm just too egocentric to care how my actions were impacting other people's lives."

A single tear runs down freely on my cheek and Harry collects it with his index finger, seeming to be in some kind of trance as he continues to talk.

"So there was one morning, a year ago, when I woke up feeling like s**t, smelling like garbage, completely naked on a dumpster in Mexico. I was hurt, my knuckles were busted and I had no documents or memories of the night before. I felt so f*****g lonely, such a waste of space, that I decided no one would miss me if I was gone."

"Harry, please.." I whimper, not even knowing what I want to say, but there's such a heavy pain on my chest I don't know if I can keep listening to him without bursting into tears and loud sobs.

"I organized everything" Harry keeps saying and I don't think he even heard me "I wrote a letter to Gem and my parents, I emptied my account and scheduled my check out from the hotel, I even bought a ticket back home for my body."

"No..." My voice comes out as a little baffled sound, the knot in my throat making it so hard to breath and there's such a strong pain in my chest I feel completely helpless.

"I couldn't do it" Harry's voice finally breaks, going from emotionless to overwhelmingly desperate and sad "I couldn't, Billie... I was too weak."

I open my mouth, but no words come to my mind, seems like there's nothing I could say to make it better, to comfort him. How could I, if feels like my heart just stopped and my lungs collapsed, I can't breath, can't think straight.

I can't even imagine how he must be feeling right now, and how he felt that day, how hopeless and desperate and it gives me actual chest pains to think of a younger Harry alone in a hotel room, completely drown in sorrow, so fragile and alone.

Gemma told me one thing or another about Harry's depression, but she made a great job at hiding the worst past from me. I know she did it out of respect for Harry, and to be honest I'm glad she did, this is just too much, too f*****g huge, for her to betray his trust like that.

Now I understand why Harry was trying to hide it from me. And I don't know if he realizes how special he makes me feel by sharing such a dark secret with me.

"I'm so glad you didn't do it." I finally find my voice, grabbing his face between my hands once again so I can look straight to his eyes "I'm so f*****g glad you backed off. You know how f*****g strong you were to step back from the edge? Killing yourself would be the easy way out, but you chose to embrace your pain, to fight against it. To survive it."

Harry shakes his head, a single tear running down his cheek and he snorts lightly, closing his eyes to try and even his breath.

"Thank you for sharing it with me" My voice is so tiny now, but I try to make it sound confident, and strong, because I feel like Harry needs it right now "It means the world for me that you trust me enough to tell what happened." I plant a kiss on his forehead, then in his eyes, then in the tip of his nose.

"I know we don't know each other for long, and I don't know where the f**k are we going with this..." I kiss him on the lips, pecking his mouth with mine gently "But I want you to know that I'm here for you. If I can, I will never let you feel alone again." I tell him honestly, kissing his lips again, and again until the tears finally stops running down his cheeks.

"T-Thank you" Harry shrugs, finally opening his eyes and there's so much emotions flashing behind his gaze I feel all the air being knocked out of my lungs "You have no idea how much this means to me."

I give him a faint smile, nuzzling my head on the crook of his neck and snuggling my body next to him, hugging with all my will, trying to give him some kind of physical comfort.

Feels like I should say so much more for him, like I should ask him stuff, try to understand him better. I don't know what is the motto I should be following right now so I'm just following my heart. I don't want to be nosy, just want Harry to know that I'm here for him, and that he can talk to me whenever he want.

I want Harry to see me as a safe haven for him, not because of my growing feelings for him but mainly because he means so much for me already. I just don't want to see him suffering or carrying this weight all alone. If tomorrow he wakes up and decides he wants nothing to do with me ever again, I still want to be his friend, for his sake.

I only notice that I'm crying when a little strangled sob escapes from my throat. However, instead of doing something about it, I just nuzzle my face further on Harry's neck, taking a deep, quivering breath to try and soothe my aching heart with the intoxicating smell of his cologne.

Wrapping his hand around my waist, Harry pulls me closer. "Please, babe, don't cry because of me" His voice sound crooked and heavy with feelings "Don't cry..."

"M'Sorry" I say in a muffled voice, my face still buried on his skin "I'm just... It's just... Oh Harry I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

He kisses the top of my head, silence falling over us again. The park around us is quiet, the only sounds being the occasional calm sing song of the birds flying around. It feels so intimate and comfortable, just the two of under the shadow of the three, I wish I could bottle up this moment forever.

"If I had to go through all of that again" Harry breaks the silence, his voice sounding deep and hoarse from the tears he shad before "To face all that pain and hell, I would. I would because that was what leaded my way to meet you. I would never know Elizabeth Ray if it weren't for that." He takes a deep breath before continuing "For the first time of my life I'm glad I survived all the things I experienced and I would do it again to found you."

Oh. My. f*****g. God.

That's it, I'm having a heart attack. Harry may have failed on killing himself, but he was damn successful on killing me. Feeling like all the air escaped from my lungs and blinded by the hot tears that seems to have no end, I push my face away from his neck to blindly look for his mouth, smashing my lips against his.

I put all my soul into a kiss that is not the least horny or erotic, as usually happens between us. This is a kiss that carries all the emotions in the world. Sadness, sorrow, hope, need... Love.

Maybe it's too soon to tell, maybe I'm making a fool of myself, but there's no way to deny it anymore. I'm completely lost in a sea of Harry, and I'd rather die drowned in his shadows than peacefully swim in someone else's light.