opia [h.s au]

Chapter 18

Harry's P.O.V.

Fifteen minutes after I hung up the phone, I hear a light knock on the door. The knot in my throat seems to untie a bit in the moment I open the door to see Billie standing there. She looks up at me and presents me with a faint smile.

"Thanks for coming" I whisper, moving from the doorstep to give her space and she enters the apartment, brushing past me and for some reason the scent of her sweet cologne soothes my aching heart.

"What happened?" She mouths to me, keeping her voice quiet when she hears the faint sobs coming from Gemma's room.

"Adam happened" Although I'm still whispering, I can't contain the angry in my voice "Gemma busted him with another woman on his bed."

Billie inhales sharply, her eyes widening impossibly big. She kinda looks like a cute little puppy with those big doe eyes and full lips.

"Motherfucker" She finally says.

"She arrived Toronto after spending almost 14 hours in the bus and went straight to Adam's apartment. When she arrived, Adam was f*****g another woman. She caught on act and took a flight back home"

"s**t. Is she in her room?" Billie asks, already bending down to take off her black boots and tiptoeing towards Gem's room.

Nodding, I follow Billie, not knowing what to do with myself. I called her because I totally suck at comforting people, and seeing my sister hurting so much broke my heart into a million little pieces and although I hate myself for that, I discovered I can't handle her pain.

It makes me sick that I'm incapable of being there for her. I'm her brother, it's my duty to protect Gemma, to comfort her, to make her pain go away. But how could I be able to do that if I can't even help myself?

How am I supposed to make Gemma feel better if I feel like s**t for most of the time?

And what upsets me the most is the fact that I'm sad to see my sister hurting like that, but I'm desperate with the possibility of her not being able to take care of me the same way she has been doing during the last few months. Each day that passes feels like another battle in a long lost war and sometimes is so hard to cope with this feeling that I just have to run from my own mind and I know I can't do this on my own.

I need Gemma.

I'm so f*****g selfish.

Billie opens the door to Gemma's room and I feel my heart aching with the sounds of my sister sobs. She is laying on her bed in a fetal position, her face buried on the pillow and her body trembling visibly. Exchanging a reassuring glare with me, Billie walks forward with light, slow movements as if she is getting closer to a hungry lion.

"Gemma...?" She asks, her sweet voice sounding like music to my ears.

Gemma looks up from the pillow and when her eyes meet Billie's, she starts crying loudly, sobbing and howling like a hurt animal and in this moment I realise she was trying to get ahold of herself for my sake.

Billie sits on the edge of Gemma's bed, hugging my sister with care and whispering on her ear with a soothing voice. She looks at me over Gemma's shoulder and nods lightly. I take that as my cue to leave, stepping out of the room and closing the door at my back.

I'm useless.

Seeing my sister suffering like that is so damn overwhelming that it's mind numbing for me and I can't f*****g deal with that. It's like my brain freezes at the tiniest signal of sadness or desperation and my entire body goes numb. I just can't think straight or do anything to try and help other people.

It's despicable how much of a narcissistic I am. I'm so f*****g drown to my own sick mind I don't even have the strength to deal with anything but me. I hate being so f*****g self-centered, all I want is to help my sister but feels like my body isn't hardwired for doing anything for anyone other than myself.

That's why I called Billie. She is such a good friend to Gemma, it's obvious how much she truly cares for my sister. Besides, I guess she has kind of experience on the being cheated area, so maybe she can give Gemma some advice other than killing him, like I suggested her to do.

Damn, if I'm being honest here I would totally catch a flight to Toronto so I could beat the s**t out of Adam.

I may not be good at dealing with emotions but I'm f*****g awesome at throwing punches. That has always been my way of coping with hurtful events.  

Well, that or I drinking my body weight on alcohol or snorting three lines of cocaine till I get so numb I can't even move but seems like I can't do that anymore.

I'm so screwed up.

Sitting on the couch, I can't help my mind from traveling back to Billie. She is so breathtakingly beautiful this night... Well not only this night but basically all the damn time, who am I kidding? Even though I was - am - worried sick with Gemma, I couldn't help but notice how tight are Billie's jeans tonight, the fabric hugging to every curve of her sinful body in the most delicious way.

Her beauty will never cease to amaze me, she is so effortlessly gorgeous. Full lips, expressive eyes and those damn dimples that makes her look somewhat innocent, although I know she is anything but that.

The howling sounds Gemma was doing fades out slowly until all I can hear is the sound of my own thoughts. Whatever Billie is doing to her seems like it's working and for the first time since I picked my sister at the airport I feel the knot in my throat untying a bit.

Life always plays with us, doesn't it? Billie was the last person I wanted to see today and I already met her twice. It's like the universe is always plotting against me, throwing in my face every single thing I don't know how to deal with.

I hated to see Billie this morning.

Not because of her, but mainly because of myself. Because of my complete inability to be the person Billie deserves to have in her life. She is such an amazing woman, so smart and funny, drop dead gorgeous and as if all of  that wasn't enough, she is also the best s*x I'd ever had - and trust me, I have had a lot.

I've been trying to list what's wrong with her so I can put an end to this crazy obsession I've seen to develop for her since the first I saw her in Sinner so long ago, but all I could come up is the fact she isn't bellow me right now. I know there's no such thing as a perfect human being, and maybe if I get to know her better I'll learn all about her flaws, but she is perfect to my eyes.

I sound like a f*****g sap, I know that. But there's nothing I can do about it.

However, all of that just proves further that I'm no good for her. If Billie let's me in I know I'm going to ruin her life, that's the only thing I know to do right - to f**k up things and hurt the people I care about.

In the morning I woke up in Billie's bed I thought running away was a self-preservation act, thought I was sticking to my rules, acting like a fuckboy because there's nothing else I could offer her. And yet that part is true, with time I realised that me bailing on her could mean something else.

By doing that, I made sure she wouldn't get involved with me. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't think I deserve it. And, at the same time, I don't want her to get hurt, as inevitably would happen if we started seeing each other on a regular basis.

How am I so sure I'll hurt her?

Because that's the way I am. I'm narcissistic, emotionally unavailable, egocentric piece of garbage who could never be able to give a sweet girl like Billie everything she deserves.

The most twisted thing about that is that I kinda feel like I'm being altruistic by not getting involved with her. That's what make me doubt the real reason behind what I'm doing it - is it because I care about Billie or because I want to feel better about myself?

It's a f*****g nightmare living inside of my head and this self-knowledge s**t is the most f*****g difficult thing I'd ever had to do in my life.

Looks like going to therapy every f*****g day isn't enough. Maybe I'll have to start going twice a day. Maybe it will never be enough, maybe I'm broken beyond repair and all that my family is doing for me is just a waste of time.

They could get the money they're investing in my mental health and make a really nice trip to Greek or some other country my mom wants to meet. Gemma could turn her spare room into a home office so can work on her hobbies instead of giving me shelter and acting like my f*****g full period babysitter.

I hate that I need to be taken care of. During the past seven years of my life I was the one to take care of myself and look how that turn out. I'm f*****g useless.

So useless I had to call Billie, the last person that I should be around, to help my sister because I was - and still am - completely overwhelmed by her sadness. I don't know how to deal with a broken heart.

I'm broken too.

I should've never gave up to my carnal needs with Billie, but the attraction I feel towards her was just too much for me to bare. Now I can't even be her friend, and f**k, I miss her. I miss talking to her. As always, as soon as a good thing came up in my life, I ruined it.

Now I'll have to bare with having Billie around but never being able to actually enjoy her company.

Thinking about her, Gemma's room went awfully quiet for the past minutes. I wonder if everything is ok...? Maybe she needs something?

I stand up from the couch, taking large, silent steps to Gemma's room and after knocking twice just in order to announce myself, I open the door a bit in order to see what is going on inside.

Billie is laying on Gemma's bed, serving as the big spoon for my sister who seems to be fast asleep. Although Gemma is under the covers, Billie is over it, her petite frame showing of every accentuated curve of her body.

She doesn't notice that I entered the room, continuing to caress Gemma's hair delicately, a sad look in her face while watching Gemma asleep. She is humming lowly, a melody that I don't recognize.

"Hey" I whisper, brushing my fingers on the bare skin of her shoulder and I see almost in slow motion as goosebumps forms under my touch, at the same time my own skin starts to burn.

It's almost unbelievable how much our bodies reacts to each other, I think I never had that kind of connection with anyone before.

Billie stops humming, darting her eyes at me and turning her head a little. "She just fell asleep" She whispers "I think we should let her rest for a bit."

Nodding, I watch as Billie squirms out of the bed gently, trying her best not to wake Gemma up. She stands up, at least 8 inches shorter than me and once again the sweet smell of her skin takes me by surprise.

Quietly and with small steps, we leave Gemma's room and Billie closes the door behind her, nodding towards the living room. I turn the light in and she sits on the couch, tangling her hands through her hair and sighing.

I sit in the armchair across her, watching quietly as she opens and closes her mouth, as if she is incapable to put into words whatever is going on in her mind.

"H-How could he?" She finally mutters, a few seconds later "How could he do this to her?"

"People are disgusting" I shrug "He is just another fucker in the world.'

"But it's Gemma!" Billie whisper yells and I notice she has tears in her eyes "It's Gemma f*****g Styles, the most kind, gentle and sweet person in the world! How could he do that to her? And even worse, she actually caught in on act! She saw him f*****g another woman, naked on his bed" Billie's voice starts trembling and she sobs quietly, her eyes widen and looking terrified.

I'm taken aback by how much concerned she looks. I always knew Gemma and Billie were good friends, and that they care about each other deeply, but never thought they were this close. Jolting from my seat, I walk towards Billie, snaking my arm around her shoulders as she starts to whimper a bit, tears freely running down her face.

Her body feels so tiny inside of my arms and I just can't resist the urge to nuzzle my nose in the top of her head and smell her hair. Somehow the lavender scent soothes me and I let go a breath I didn't know I was holding.

I keep holding her in silence for I don't know how long, till her breath calms down and she stops sobbing and she breaks from the hug, cleaning the smudge makeup under her eyes.

"I'm sorry." Her voice is is hoarse from crying "It's just... It feels so unreal. I mean, I know they were fighting a lot and I can't deny the possibility of he having an affair did past through my mind but actually knowing it happened... And that she saw it..."

"I know, it f*****g sucks" I nod, fighting against the urge to hold her in my arms again.

Gotta keep my distance from her.

"Thanks for coming" I try to sound nonchalant while I stand up and go back to my seat on the armchair.

Billie frowns, and I would like to believe she did because of the physical distance I put between us, but let's be realistic here, she is frowning because of Gemma and this f****d up situation.

"Thank you for calling me" She sighs "I'm happy to be able to be here for her, I hate to see her hurting so much."

"Me too."

We keep silent for a few minutes, and feels like either of us knows what to say next. I turn my gaze for Billie and our eyes meet for a split second that feels like an entire lifetime. She gives me a faint smile before looking down to her lap.

"Sorry for ruining your night... What was your marathon choice today? " I ask, trying to light up the mood. "It must have been one of your favorites, you even clean up good to watch i.t"

She looks into my eyes again and seems like she is not comfortable with my question. She keeps silence for a few seconds, as if carefully considering her next words.

"I, uh... I wasn't at home" She shrugs and I raise my eyebrows with curiosity. "I was kind on a date."

Oh for f***s sake.

The lump in my throat that was starting to fade in Billie's presence comes back even worse than before and suddenly I see red, my blood boiling under my skin. Without even thinking about it, get up from t armchair and Billie jolts in her seat with surprise.

"Cool" I can't help how cold my voice sounds. I feel my heart hardening as a lot of questions starts rambling in my mind. Who is the guy? Was it their first date? Were they f*****g when I called? Is she like dating again?

She told me she wasn't looking for a relationship but maybe what she meant was that she doesn't want a relationship with me?

"Are you okay?" Billie asks, raising her perfect eyebrows.

"M'fine" I mumble "Fantastic, actually."

Billie nods, not saying another word to me. Suddenly I feel tired, this whole f*****g day has been too bloody long and I feel completely worn out, emotionally and physically exhausted. The most frustrating part is knowing that no matter how tired I am, I won't be able to sleep.

Having insomnia f*****g sucks.

"Harry... Billie" A faint voice calls and I turn my head so fast my neck actually cracks loudly.

Gemma is standing at the door frame of the living room, her skinny body looking fragile while she hugs herself, her eyes bloodshot red and swollen. She looks broken.

"Gem" Billie jolts from the couch, walking towards my sister and hugging her delicately.

"Can we like... Watch a movie or something? As long as it not a romance" Gemma asks, her voice sounding raspy. "I need to distract my mind and I can't sleep."

"Of course" Billie answers, smiling faintly "What do you wanna watch?"

"A horror movie. It's like the only thing I can think of that doesn't have romance innit" Gemma cracks the smallest of smiles.

I see when Billie hesitates, swallowing hard before nodding and turning her head to me. "Could you please get us some blankets and pillows so we can get comfortable here? I'm thinking maybe moving the furniture so we can open up space and have like a slumber party kind of thing here?"

"Are you sleeping over tonight?" Gem raises her eyebrows, hugging Billie harder "Please tell me you're going to be here with me when I wake up tomorrow."

For the first time this night I crack up a real smile. Billie darts her eyes from Gemma and looks straight into my eyes and I nod softly.

"Of course." She finally agrees with Gemma and my stomach flutters with excitement.