opia [h.s au]

Chapter 22

"Is everything ok?" Callum asks me, breaking the silence in his car. "You seem distant".

"Oh, I'm fine" I give him a faint smile "Just tired, s'all."

Callum nods, his attention going back to the streets in front of us.

We just left Gem's apartment, Dom took his car and Callum kindly offered to take me home. I almost can't believe it's already Sunday night and just to think about having to go to work tomorrow makes me wanna cry. This weekend has been so f*****g exhaustive, with so much intense emotions conflicting, plus I almost didn't sleep at all.

Everything that happened to Gemma is so f****d up, I hate seeing my friend struggling like that, but there's one bright side - she got ridden of a total jerk. I would never expect something like that to happen to Gem and Adam, although I'd seen him just a few times before he had to move to Toronto, he always seemed like a collected, relaxed kind of guy. I used to think he was perfect to Gem but I was obviously wrong.

And to top all that, there's Harry.

I don't even know where to start, just to think about him gives me a hell of a headache. The way he acted towards Adam surprised me, I've never would think Harry could be that... Violent. Vicious. He had so much hate on his eyes and although I'm angry at Adam too, I would never be capable of such actions.

I wish I'd hear whatever Adam said to Harry that made him snap like that, it probably has something to do with what Gemma told Dom and I earlier today. Harry is not going through a good phase and has been struggling with some problems, but what kind of problems could possibly make someone so emotionally unstable?

I mean I can think of a list of mental struggles as depression, bipolar syndrome, PTSD and a lot of others, but it's strange to think that Harry would have any of those problems... He usually seems to be so sure of who he is and what he wants, and he is so young. Maybe I'm completely wrong about it, but how can I judge correctly something I don't fully understand?

What surprised me the most was the way he acted with me after Adam left. Harry was so rude and unkind, it seemed to be so out of character. I'm used to Harry being cheeky, maybe a little too sly but he was always kind and polite. And he always treated me with respect, but today he snapped at me with no reason at all. I was just trying to help him.

In some weird way sometimes I feel like when Harry walked into my life, he already lived in my heart. It's like he is a chapter in my life I didn't know the words, but somehow I knew it existed.

Maybe I am completely wrong about Harry. After all, I don't know him that well, but I know this feeling is not just chemistry, is not just physical. And I know he feel the same, he told me himself last night, with all those confusing things he confessed in the middle of the night.

As usual, nothing about Harry makes sense to me at all, and I'm actually angry at myself for spending this much time and energy thinking about him, when he clearly doesn't give a rats ass about me - they way he treated me today proves it.

I feel a sudden warmth in my leg and snap my eyes to my lap. It's Callum big, tattooed hand. I sigh, covering his hand with mine and caressing his skin gently. He smirks, without looking at me.

Fuck, he is so handsome. I'd never imagined myself being interesting enough for a guy like him to look at me twice. I mean, I'm very average, I don't have tattoos and even though I don't like to admit it, my life is boring. Callum is literally a model, good looking as f**k, sexy and exotic with all his tattoos, it's expected for him to want a similar person to be with him.

But somehow he is attracted to me.

And I keep f*****g thinking about Harry.

After he snapped at me this afternoon, I came to the living room pissed off and I hate to admit that part of my snuggling behavior with Callum was out of despite of Harry. I know, I know, I'm a terrible person for doing that. Nothing in the world gives me the right to use a person like that, but in my defense, I like Callum.

He is handsome and funny, and it would be pretty dumb not to give him a chance.

Specially when he is so easy to read. Things are not complicated with Callum and he is actually very good to cuddle with. Maybe I should just roll with it and put an end on this repetitive mindfuck I have every time I think about Harry.

The car stops and I realize I've been completely lost in my own mind the entire way from Gems to my home. 

"There ya go" Callum smiles at me and suddenly the mood between the two of us change, from comfortable silence to some sort of expectation and even though I just want to crawl under the blankets of my bed and sleep, I see myself offering Callum a coffee.

"I would love to" Callum gives me a sad smile "But I'll have to be up very soon tomorrow for a shooting, and I know that you're exhausted. Maybe next time?"

Okay, maybe he is not that into me as I was thinking.

"Yeah, of course!" I squeal, feeling a mix of relief and a little of rejection. "Well, thank you for the ride, I'll see you ar-"

I'm shut up by Callum's lips, that crashes against mine with a little hurry. I yelp, molding my lips to his and kissing him softly.

One of his hand is groping my tight slightly while the other is cupping my jaw and he kisses me gently, with no hurry and damn, his full lips are soft.

As soon as the kiss begin, it ends with Callum breaking contact, giving me a sweet smile. "I'll see you soon, love" He winks and I smile back, nodding before opening the door and jolting out of his car.

That felt... Weird.

It was too... Gentle, I don't know. Even though Callum's lips felt really good, it felt like something was missing. It was too quiet, too sweet. He kissed me like we would kiss a porcelain doll, with so much care and this would be nice, would feel nice but somehow it just felt wrong.

And I hate to admit that I know exactly why it felt this way.

Fucking curly British.

~*~

My routine at work without Gem was already maddening without me being so distracted. I hate that I'm not being able to fully concentrate at the job as I usually do, my mind is racing all the time, I just have so much to worry about right now.

I'm so used to having very little to concern in my personal life that usually I have plenty of space to worry about deadlines, big productions and stubborn models, but those past few days I have been distracted. Thinking about Gemma, that seems to be getting sadder as the days passes by. I know she is locked inside of her apartment with nothing to do and being unoccupied while going through a break up is the worst thing that could happen, your mind just wanders all the f*****g time.

I hate to admit that I'm also thinking about Harry a lot. I'm actually kinda concerned with whatever that might be happening in his life right now, I even caught myself searching for random diagnoses based on what I think are his symptoms.

According to Google, Harry may be pregnant or have a brain tumor.

I'm pretty sure he is not nursing a child or a cancer, if that was the case he would be either hospitalized or being studied as the first man ever to get pregnant.

Imagine how the patriarchy would be if man could actually have babies. I think women would be exterminated from the face of the Earth.

Anyhoo, it's because of those weird thoughts that yesterday I found myself actually filling my water bottle with coffee and then watering the cactus on my desk with said coffee.

I've been exchanging a few texts with Callum and we agreed to go out next Saturday. I feel that I should be more excited about it, but guess I'm just too overwhelmed with my intense routine. I'm sure that when I have the time I'll be excited to go out with him.

Pretty sure that's the only thing keeping me from being eager to see Callum again. It has nothing, not a little bit, to do with the other british people in my life.

Today is Wednesday and I'm feeling completely worn out. For some kind of miracle I managed to finish with the order of the day before 7pm and I'm thrilled with the expectation of arriving early at home, taking a long shower and cooking a delicious chicken noodle so I can pair with Diet Coke while watching Friends.

Funny that I'm more thrilled about that than seeing Callum next weekend. What the f**k is wrong with me?

"Bye, people, see you tomorrow!" I yell in a sing-song rhythm, taking my bag from my desk and happily marching to the freedom of the streets.

As I have been doing these last few days, I fish my phone inside of my bag to check on Gemma. I usually don't have spare time during the day to check on her more often, so I prefer to call her at the end of the day and give her my full attention.

However, while I'm fumbling with my fingers over the screen to find Gemma's contact, a shadow towers over me and I don't even need to look up to see who it is - the intoxicating scent that recently became my favorite announces his presence before our eyes meet.

"I was expecting you would be leaving later" Harry announces, giving me a coy smile that makes my heart race uncontrollably "Guess is my lucky day."

Oh my f**k.

Was he always that handsome? Jeeh today he seems to be even better looking than usual. He is wearing all black and his long curls are still a little humid, he looks so clean and freshen up.

"Harry!" I finally blurt out, trying to ignore the damn Olympic gymnastics my stomach is performing right now "What are you doing here?"

"Came to see you" He shrugs "I'm actually cooking dinner for Gemma tonight and thought you would like to come eat with us."

"Really? That's so sweet of you" I manage to give him a smile, the awkward mood that was between us last time we saw each other seeming to completely vanish.

"I am sweet, love" Harry winks and I know he meant it with a dirty inflection, but I choose to ignore it.

We walk towards Gemma's car, that is parked right next to where Harry was standing. He opens the passenger door for me and my stomach clenches with the proximity of his body when I pass through him.

After closing the door, he circles the car and sits on the driver's seat, starting the engine. Being locked up in such a small space with him almost makes me lose my breath and I feel goosebumps raising on my skin just by looking at him.

Every time I see Harry is like the influence he has on me just increases, instead of diminishing. I mean, normally it would decrease, right? I should be used to it right now but damn, every time I lay my eyes on him feels like I'm meeting some mythological creature.

"So, hows Gem?" I try to keep my voice stable "Is she doing ok? I was about to call her."

"Today is one of the bad days" Harry's voice sounds sad "She only got off the bed to go to the bathroom, didn't eat all day." 

"Oh poor thing. I hate that she is suffering so much because of that i***t"

"f*****g loser" Harry mutters before raising his voice again "anyway, that's why we are cooking for her tonight."

We?

As in... the both of us? Harry and Billie?

"I'm sorry, I thought I heard you saying we are cooking" I give him a sly smile "I don't cook. Unless you want me to prepare Gemma some noodles or boiling water, that I know."

"Don't be ridiculous now. I'll teach you" Harry winks, smiling at me softly.

There's no way I can deny. He is looking so damn good today I would actually agree to anything right now.

"Good luck with that" I roll my eyes playfully. He doesn't need to know how hooked he has me, right?

"Imma great teacher" here comes the sly double meaning inflection on his voice again. Seems like the Harry I know, light mood and full of dirty remarks, not that pissed of, confusing guy he turned into since we slept together.

"On a heavier note" Harry cleans his throat "I need to apologize to you for my behavior last Sunday. I acted like a complete arse, I was pissed and let it out on you. I'm sorry, B."

Silence fills the space between us as I took in his words, letting them sink before I can actually think about my response.

I wasn't expecting that. Considering the way he appeared on my work and invited me, and how our conversation rolled off just fine for the past few minutes, I thought what happened Sunday was water under the bridge.

Maybe I'm still a little used to people pretending some things never happened instead of facing the consequences for their actions, that's the motto of this screwed up generation. Avoiding harsh subjects and acting like assholes for most of the time.

"S'okay" I finally mutter in response "you were pissed and maybe I stepped over the limits in order to try to help you. Guess I was kinda nosy, entering your room and demanding for your bandages and stuff".

Harry shakes his head vigorously. "No, not at all. Don't blame yourself over my f****d up behavior, I was a jerk. End of story."

"Ok, jerk" I giggle and Harry rolls his eyes, parking the car on Gemma's spot in front of the building. "So what are we cooking tonight?"

"Shepherd's Pie, Gemma's favorite" He gives a cheeky smile that makes my insides melt a little.

We enter the elevator, Harry humming a song that I don't recognize, seeming to be in a great mood. It's so different from the last time I saw him it even feel unreal, but hey, I'm not complaining. I'll take this Harry over last Sunday's Harry anytime.

"What exactly goes on a Shepherd's Pie?" I raise my eyebrows. I know it's a popular dish in England and I've heard Gem talking about the times her mother cooked it for her and always sounded delicious, but I've never tried it before.

"Lamb, vegetables and potatoes. I can't believe you never tried it!" Harry raises his eyebrows, looking utterly shocked "And you call yourself a friend of Gemma."

"It's not my fault she never cooks for me" I pout and Harry chuckles.

Gem's apartment is completely dark, but it's possible to hear the faint sound of her voice coming from her bedroom. Harry and I change a quick look before he nods towards the kitchen for me and takes large steps towards her room.

Turning on the lights of the kitchen, I see all kinds of ingredients neatly organized over the kitchen counter. There's meat, carrots, onions, potatoes, peas, garlic and tomatoes, aside of two different kinds of herbs that smell delicious but I could never recognize which kind are they.

I love how skilled Harry is at the kitchen and it amazes me how he is not even a bit shy about that. I've met men before who had such fragile masculinity they would never admit being good at something "feminine" - not that I think cooking is feminine, I mean, I can't barely boil water without ruining it - but there are people who think being at the kitchen is something only women could do right.

I think that is sexy as f**k to watch Harry floating around the kitchen, if I remember well from the day he cooked for me, it seemed almost like a dance and it was hot as hell.

Although that's Harry we are talking about, he probably look like the epitome of sexy even while taking a dump.

Yeah, I'm disgusting, I know it.

"She's facetiming with our mother" Harry's voice snaps me from my icky thoughts as he enters the kitchen "She finally decided to tell her what happened, so it will probably be a long call".

I watch as he takes off the shirt that is opened over his black t-shirt, putting his arms on display, the tattoos tittered on is skin adding to the hypnotizing sight. His skin is a little tanned, and I guess that's from all the yoga classes at the park he has been doing.

"I would get comfortable if I were you" Harry smirks, nodding towards my work clothes "We are going to spend a while in here."

To be honest I'm already comfortable - I'm wearing black tight pants and an oversized grey sweater. Even my feet are comfortable, I'm using sneakers today.

"Oh, I'm comfortable, thanks" I dismiss him.

"It would be a misfortune if you get your blouse all stained with sauce. Can I land you a t-shirt?" Harry c***s his eyebrows and I giggle.

"That would be great."

"Take mine" Harry says and my mouth goes dry as I watch him grabbing the hem of his black t-shirt and taking it off with a graceful movement, my mind travelling back to the last time I saw him undressing like that. "Here" He hands me the t-shirt, smirking when he notice how much I'm blushing.

Cheeky son of a b***h. He knows exactly the effect he has on me.

"Hm, thank you" I mumble, taking the soft fabric that is still warm from his body "I'll just go change."

I run to the bathroom, trying to ease my breath while changing to his t-shirt, my heart racing. Swear to you, I'll never understand how Harry can manage to impact me like that with the tiniest of actions? I feel and act like a f*****g teenager around him, and not even sleeping with him helped with that.

The soft material of the t-shirt lays loose over my body and I love that it smells just like Harry. It's like I'm being hugged by him. The hem reaches a little under my thigh and I like the way it doesn't mark my body in any way.

Looking in the mirror, I see how blushed my cheeks are and I look like I'd just ran a f*****g marathon, my chest is raising and falling quicker than usual and all of that because I saw some skin? f**k, get yourself together Billie.

Taking a deep breath, I leave the bathroom, going back to the kitchen. Harry, now dressed in his shirt that is barely buttoned up, is already chopping the vegetables in little pieces, and the way he handles the knife with such precision is mesmerizing.

"How can I help?" I ask reluctantly.

Harry turns his attention to me, his eyes giving me a slow once over while his lips breaks into a sly smile. He bites down his bottom lip before adding in a raspy voice "I like the way you look with my clothes... Although I have to say, think I liked it better when you're not wearing any."

I wide my eyes with his dirty remark and need a split second to recompose myself. "Oh, shut up, you" I shove his shoulder, rolling my eyes. What is up with him today?

"I'm serious" He winks "Couldn't get the view out of my head."

Oh not this s**t again. Harry is confusing the s**t out of me and this time I won't bulge to that.

"Did you know..." I start, lowering my voice and taking a step towards him so our bodies are very close. Harry's eyes widen a bit and he takes a sharp breath.

"That you are..." Now I stand in the tip of my toes, our mouths getting dangerously close and I try to ignore how much my heart is racing right now.

Harry's warm breath hits my face and I need all my self control to keep myself together. Our eyes are still pinned to each it others and I shiver when his pupils blown up.

At the last second before our lips actually touching, I dart my mouth to his ears "f*****g frustrating?" I finish, lingering a bit longer than necessary just so I can feel his sweet scent.

"Why?" He widens his eyes but there's a sly smile on his lips.

"Hmm, I don't know" I pretend to think about it "First you go uninvited to my home and cooks for me, then you take me out to dinner, then you f**k me only to disappear in the middle of the night and go MIA for like a month." I take a deep breath as I watch Harry's jaw tension, so sharp it could cut glass.

He opens his mouth but I cut him off, slightly raising my voice.

"Then you sleep with me and says things like 'uh I can't get you out of my mind'" I do a terrible impression of his accent "only to flee from me and oh, not to forget the next day you not only avoided me as you actually were rude to me. So if this is one of your f*****g mood changes and soon you'll me all awkward to me again, don't even start it."

By the time I finish talking, my voice is sounding a little high pitched, my heart is racing like crazy and only now I realize how much I'm actually hurt by Harry's actions.

His eyes are pinned on mine and I can see a lot of different emotions popping behind his green irises. He studies my face, as if taking in every detail of me.

"f**k" He mutters under his breath "I'm sorry. I'm terrible with this kind of stuff, and you're also f*****g confusing."

"How am I confusing?" I raise my eyebrows and Harry turns his back to me, returning to chop vegetables.

"You know, those potatoes aren't gonna boil themselves" He chuckles "I'll tell you if you start chopping them and fill a pan with water for me."

"Oh you sly motherfucker" I giggle, taking the potatoes and putting them in the sink right next to Harry "Gimme a knife."

Harry smiles, taking a knife from one of the drawers and handing it to me.

It's a little overwhelming how the mood is constantly changing around us, from awkward to smutty to funny and then back to awkward. Sometimes it's hard to keep up with everything but if I'm being honest here, I'd rather be jumping from mood change to mood change instead of not dealing with Harry at all.

Harry is like a drug that I'm addicted to - although I know he isn't good for me, I still can't seem to stay away from him.

"You confuse me too, B." He finally says, his eyes never leaving the vegetables he is chopping "First you kiss me in your kitchen, then you convince me that you only wanted casual s*x. And that's ok, but have you ever thought that you went MIA as much as I did? I mean, ok, I could've called you but you didn't call me either."

I'm trying really hard to concentrate on chopping the potatoes but I'm completely hooked on every word that's leaving Harry's mouth, my heart still racing like crazy.

"I don't go out on dates, but I did it with you and have a damn good time" Harry puts all the vegetables he chopped on a bowl and starts to chop a big onion "that was the first rule I broke for you."

Taking the pan Harry said me to, I fill it up with the potatoes and water, bringing it to the stove, but I'm so f*****g concentrated on his words that I turn on the wrong burner.

"I also don't try to want to know better the people I f**k, and that's another rule I ignored for you. Because damn, you're the most intriguing woman I've ever know and I want to know everything about you."

I feel my cheeks getting red and my stomach fluttering with butterflies inside of me. Am I dreaming right now?

"But then" Harry goes to the stove and starts to braise garlic and onion with butter and the smell is mouthwatering "then you pretend you didn't see me at the park, tries to avoid taking a coffee with me and goes all over other guy while walking by my side".

Wait, what? Is Harry like... jealous? That's why he ran for his life that day we met Callum?

"Then you come here to help me with Gem and tell me you were on a date. Then you agrees to stay and watch movies, and you lay with me and actually sleeps. I'd never slept beside of a woman I knew I wasn't going to fuck."

He is always so straight to the point it amazes me and now I'm not even pretending to be occupied with anything other than listening to him.

"And yet I know I kinda flee from you that night, you actually ran to another guy's arms the very next day" Now Harry sounds bitter.

"More like you pushed me away, don't you think?" I finally answer him, trying to keep my voice down. "Acting like I'm cursed or something, always sending me f*****g mixed signs".

"I'm f****d up, ok? I'm doing you a favor here!" Harry snaps, his voice a contradiction to his actions as he kindly adds the meat to the pan. "I can't give you what you deserve."

"What do you think I deserve Harry?" I ask him, frowning.

"Someone better than me." He mutters.

"You know nothing about me, Harry."

"I know about me." He answers, still completely concentrated on the pan he is mixing.

"That's not something you can decide for the both us" I reach for his shoulder, fumbling his shirt with my fingertips "Please, look at me."

Harry seems to gulp before turning backwards and looking at me, his green eyes clear and his soft lips pressed together on a thin line.

"I'm not saying anything here. Don't feel pressured or whatever, ok?" I start while trying to gather enough courage to say my next words "I just want you to know that whatever it is that you think I need, I'm the only one who can decide what is it. And I'm not saying I want you... guess I'm only trying to say that I am open to the possibility."

I bite down my lower lip while I watch Harry's facial expression changing from hurt to confused and then, to my surprise, he gives me a shy smile, his cheeks blushing. He stays silent for a while, studying my face for a little while.

"So what do you think?" I press him further, not actually knowing what I expect him to answer but I can't get a hold of myself right now.

"I think..." Harry pauses, his eyes pinning on mine again "It's time to mash some potatoes".

What?