Just Look Up At The Stars

Not The Same

    Ava had told Juniper that she couldn’t pretend to be happy if she wasn’t happy, but she needed to find a way to feel joy again. “Even if you just sit on your couch and watch a comedy, you will keep your mind busy. It’s kind of like tricking your mind into thinking that you are out of the dark cave, but you aren’t. You need to realize that you are still surrounded by this darkness, but you can calm yourself down by bringing your mind somewhere else. Doing that will help you get out of the dark cave in a calm manner, when you are ready. You need to think about your feelings, but you need to make yourself think that you can feel happiness again. You have to believe that you can be happy before you are actually able to feel that way again. It’s going to be hard, but I think that you should do things that distract you from your thoughts, then have a set time where you think about those thoughts. Just don’t drown in them. Don’t dig yourself a deeper hole, and don’t go further into the cave.”

    “I think that’s what I have been doing. I pretend to be happy, then when I am by myself, I will let everything out. I will cry and scream and feel the pain that I am in,” Juniper had explained. She didn’t understand how watching a comedy would be any different than pretending to be happy. Watching a funny show wouldn’t get her out of the darkness she was surrounded by. It would just create a way for her mind to go somewhere else, but the place that she was in wouldn’t change. 

    “No, you have been faking your smile. It hasn’t been real. Watching a comedy, or something that makes you genuinely laugh, will bring a real smile. You won’t have to fake your laughter or your smile because it will be real. Doing something that causes a real and positive expression to spread across your face is different from forcing yourself to paint a similar expression across your cheeks.”

    “They’re the same smile, though. They are just created in different ways.”

    “They are not the same smile. One has meaning and the other is fake. It’s like having brand name sunglasses, for instance. They protect your eyes and work incredibly well. They function better than any other pair of glasses, and they are unique. They have higher quality because they are real. Then, you accidently break those sunglasses, but you can’t afford another brand name pair. You think that the generic version will work just as well, since they are sunglasses. They all serve the same purpose, right? To protect your eyes from the sun. They are at a decent price, so you go ahead and buy them. But as soon as you put them on, you are surprised by the poor quality that they have. They don’t seem to work as they should compared to the brand name. They don’t even seem to serve the same purpose. The brand name sunglasses actually protect your eyes, but the ones you picked up from Walmart just seem to look cool. The reason that they don’t work as well is because they are fake. They aren’t real. So just because your smile looks the same, doesn’t mean that it is the same. They are created by different things. One is real, and one is fake. One is an original, and one is a copy. People can tell the difference.”

    Juniper sat in silence, as she processed all of what she was told. She knew that there was a difference between the smiles, but she was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to ever produce the original smile again. She wanted to become joyful again, but she didn’t know how. She thought that, maybe, if she just kept the painted expression, then people would get used to it. They wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. She didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, including her own.  

    However, she agreed to try everything that was suggested to her, but she wasn’t sure if anything would work. She decided to go home and watch a comedy because she promised she would, and she didn’t want to build up enough hope only for it to disappoint her with it not working. She grabbed a red and soft blanket from the shelf and sat down on the couch. Juniper didn’t feel any hope, but underneath all of her pain, she had wanted to be her old self again. The one that everyone adored. The one that would smile all of the time. The one that didn’t know what pain was. She missed that person, and she was willing to do whatever it took to get her back. 

    Half way through an Adam Sandler movie, Charlotte and William had walked into their living room to check on Juniper. They had wanted to let her express her true feelings, so they had left her alone. However, when they had snuck into the room to see how she was doing, they saw something that warmed their hearts. They saw a smile on Juniper’s face. They heard a laugh that they haven’t heard in at least a month. They saw their daughter, their real daughter.

    Charlotte turned her head to face William, who was slightly behind her, and whispered, “Look. It’s real.”

    “Yeah. It is,” William said with a warm smile, as their eyes had filled up with tears that came from a hopeful place. Charlotte and William thought that Juniper was going to be okay. They never lost hope, but hearing that original laugh coming from their heartbroken daughter made them see that the original Juniper could come back. 

    As the hope-filled parents had quietly rushed back to the kitchen, Juniper had become aware of her surroundings again. She had been absorbed into the movie, but she was interrupted by the shuffling sound of her mom’s slippers against the kitchen floor. At that moment, Juniper realized that she was laughing. A part of her felt happy again, or as if she could be happy again, but all she could focus on in that moment was the guilt. As much as she wanted to be herself again, she was afraid to smile. She was afraid that something bad was going to happen again, but she also felt that it was wrong to laugh after what had happened to Jake. She felt like it was wrong to be happy when the only person who made her laugh was gone. 

    In an upset and rushed manner, Juniper turned the T.V. off and rushed to her room. She felt horrible, but she didn’t want to worry her parents, so she avoided the kitchen. Worrying anyone close to her was the last thing that she wanted to do. Just because she was hurting, didn’t mean that people who loved her had to hurt too. 

    After spending at least two hours crying in her bed, feeling things that she didn’t want to feel, Juniper looked over at her wall. She saw the Rainier Beer wrapper that Jake had framed for her. Their plan was to go visit Mount Rainier up in Washington once they turned twenty-one. 

    “What have you always wanted to do, but haven’t been able to yet?” Jake asked Juniper, as they were sitting underneath the stars. 

    Juniper chuckled at that question. She didn’t have to think about an answer for that because she had always known what she wanted to do. “I have always wanted to visit Mount Rainier. It’s so beautiful, and I have wanted to go there ever since elementary school.” Juniper let out another chuckle as she explained why she wanted to visit the beautiful mountain. “Our assignment was to look at pictures of mountains and explain which one had caught our attention. The mountain that caught my eye was Mount Rainier. I thought it was so beautiful and calming. It looked like it would bring peace to whoever saw it. So when I got home that day, I researched a little. I was just a kid, so I can’t remember exactly what I learned, but I do remember that it is located in Washington and that it happens to be the tallest mountain in its state. I never lost interest in that mountain. I have been offered to go there multiple times in my life, for birthdays or field trips or vacations, but I have always turned down the offer.”

    “Why would you turn it down? It sounds like you could have had an amazing time.”

    “I guess I just never found the right person to go with. Being with my parents up there would have been amazing, but I guess I was saving the trip to go with someone that I loved in a different way.” Juniper looked into Jake’s eyes and said, “I think I finally found that person.”

    Jake smiled at her with admiration in his eyes. “I would love to go with you. I don’t think we have the money, though. Or the parental permission, but how about this: When we are twenty-one, we will go up there for your birthday. We will have the best view of the mountain, and I will make sure that we get a cabin that’s away from everyone else, so we can lay in the grass and look up at the stars at night.”

    “That sounds amazing. I’m so glad that I have found the one to make this trip with. I love you.”

    “I love you too. Now, should we head back to our homes? I don’t want to risk our spot being discovered by anyone, and it’s getting late. People might worry, and that wouldn’t be good.” Jake still had his warm smile on, as he helped Juniper up from the ground. 

    On their way home, they saw a beer bottle lying in the dirt. Jake picked it up to throw it away, but instead he said, “Would you look at that? You think it’s a sign?”

    Juniper looked at the dirty glass bottle with amazement showing proudly on her face. “Rainier Beer,” she said, reading from the label. “I definitely think it’s a sign. I’m going to keep this.” 

    “No, you’re not. I am. I found it. It’s mine. Didn’t you know that’s how it works?” Jake said in a playful way, with a wide and contagious smile covering his face. 

    They continued walking home, but when Jake got to his house, he cleaned up the bottle. He wasn’t kidding when he said that he would keep it, but he did throw away the glass part. Just not the label. He carefully removed the label from the glass, making sure not to rip it. He then laminated it the next morning and put it in a frame. Juniper was in amazement when she received the Rainier Beer label encased in a beautiful black frame on her birthday.

    She had received that label for her birthday before Jake had left the world. It meant so much to her, and it reminded her of so many things. It reminded her of how sweet and caring Jake was. It reminded her of Jake’s warm smile, but it also reminded her that she would never see that warm smile again. It reminded her that she would never be able to go on that trip with the only person she wanted to go with. Yet, in the moment she looked at it, a thought occurred to her that had never presented itself before. Alcohol. That’s the solution. The original Juniper would have stopped herself from doing what she was about to do, but that Juniper was not present at that moment. There was no one to stop her from sneaking to the fridge and grabbing a beer after her parents went to bed. She thought that if she only had one bottle, the pain and guilt would go away, and no one would be able to notice. However, she didn’t understand the effects that one bottle of alcohol could have on a person. After one bottle, the Juniper that knew better was completely drowned out by the one beer. 

    One beer led to another, which led to another, and another. She was very drunk at this point. She couldn’t walk straight, but she knew she had to find a way to make sure her parents didn’t notice the missing beer. Because her thinking skills were not up to date, she thought that she could simply fill the beer bottles up with 7-Up or Sprite and put them back in the fridge. So that’s what she did, but no one noticed until she went to counseling the next morning. 

    Juniper slowly walked into the room where she would talk to Ava, but it was obvious that she had been drinking the night before. She wore sunglasses, spoke very quietly, and walked slow enough for Ava to notice. “What’s up? You look like you’re gonna die,” Ava asked, with a slight hint of angry humor. She knew what Juniper had done, but she wanted to let it play out. 

    “I just didn’t get enough sleep, and I have a really bad headache,” Juniper responded in a whisper. 

    “Oh, okay. Well, you can lay down if you want to. It might soothe your headache while we talk about why you couldn’t sleep.”

    “Thanks,” Juniper replied as she painfully laid down on the couch. “I guess I couldn’t sleep because I let my mind wander. I did what you suggested. I watched a comedy, and thought about my feelings afterward.”

    “How did the comedy go? How did you feel?”

    “I laughed,” Juniper truthfully said.

    “That’s good right?”

    “I guess.” Juniper had her arms on her head with her eyes closed. She was clearly in a lot of pain. 

    “Here, take some aspirin,” Ava suggested, as she handed the hungover Juniper a couple of white pills. “It might help with the consequences.”

    “What? What do you mean by that?” Juniper opened her eyes and looked over at Ava, afraid that she knew. 

    “Well, usually after drinking too much, you get what’s called a hangover.” Ava had a smirk on her face, as she revealed her knowledge of Juniper’s mistake. 

    After a sigh of frustration, Juniper asked, “How did you know?”

    “Are you kidding? You walked in with sunglasses on, and a pounding headache. You talked slowly and quietly. Plus, I could smell the alcohol on your breath. All signs point to a hangover, but I’m going to assume that this is your first one. It takes a lot of practice to hide the consequences of your poor choice.” Ava proudly expressed her feelings of joy, while she pointed out Juniper’s horrible acting.

    “I’m sorry.” When she spoke those two words, Juniper expressed disappointment. She was disappointed in herself. She realized her mistake. She knew what she did was wrong, but she came to that realization too late. Her choice was already made, and there was nothing that could change that.

    “Why did you do it?” Now, Ava had anger and disappointment in her voice. She wasn’t surprised with the choice Juniper had made, though. It wasn’t uncommon to start drinking after going through what she went through, but Juniper wasn’t the type of person to make those choices. She was smarter than that, but it was completely understandable. It wasn’t right, but Ava could understand what led Juniper to make the decision that she did. 

    “I don’t know! I was upset, and I saw the beer, and I don’t know!” Juniper was angry at this point. She knew what she did was very wrong, and she wasn’t sure why she did what she did, but she knew she needed to fix her mistake. She was crying, and she was hurt and angry, but she was also glad that Ava knew. She needed someone to help her through her choices. She didn’t want to make any more bad ones, or at least ones that were that bad. 

    Ava calmed down her voice, as she knew that Juniper realized what she did was wrong. “What were you feeling before you saw the beer? Let’s just start there.”

    “I was hurt. After I watched that Adam Sandler movie, I just fell apart.”

    “I thought you said that you had laughed. Isn’t that a good thing?”

    “Yeah. I thought it was. I enjoyed the laughter. I didn’t realize it right away, but once I did, I felt like I could be the old me again. I just felt bad. I felt like I shouldn’t be able to be happy without Jake. He was my everything, and now he’s gone. He was the only person who could make me laugh. It just feels so wrong to laugh without him. I don’t know what to do. I want to be happy, but I feel like I can’t be.”

    “Look, I know what I’m going to say is a very cliche-type thing, but it’s true to an extent. Where you’re at right now is a sign that you’re making progress.”

    “How? It seems like I just took a huge step back. It feels like I just gave up.” Juniper really didn’t understand how she had taken a step forward because what she did put her right back to square one. She felt hopeless and depressed, like nothing could be done to help her. 

    “You laughed, and you felt guilty about it. You are still feeling things that you should be feeling, but you had a spark of hope in yourself. For a second, you believed that you could be happy again, and that’s a really good thing. The original Juniper presented herself and showed that she is still alive. She will be hard to find, but you now know that she’s not dead. She is still with you. You can’t give up on her yet. She’s still there.”

    “But what if she’s not? What if that spark of hope was her last scream for help? What if she has no more energy to present herself again? What if I can’t find her?”

    “You can’t think like that. You have to believe that she is still alive, otherwise you may never find her.”

    “I’m trying! Don’t you see me trying? I have tried so hard to believe that I could be happy again, but every time I feel her trying to get up, I do something that pushes her back down. I felt the smallest bit of hope that I could have embraced, but instead I made myself feel guilty, and I drank alcohol to make that guilt go away. That guilt would have never caused any problems if I just let myself be happy for once,” Juniper shouted, as she let the tears flow down her face. 

    “The guilt is a feeling. It’s not something that you can control. You felt guilty because it overrode the feeling of happiness. Yes, you could have tried to focus on the feeling of hope, but you didn’t. Instead, you focused on the emotion that seemed to impact you the most. You will always have negative emotions. We can’t experience life without them, but to save the true Juniper, you need to defeat all of the feelings that affect you in a horrible manner. They are holding your hope hostage, so make them back off, but you can’t sneak to hope with the opposing guards surrounding it. You have to confront those guards. Figure out their intentions and why they don’t want you to have hope. That is what will save your true self, even if it does take longer. You will take a lot of steps back, but don’t ever turn your back and walk away.”

    “I’m taking too many steps back, though! Taking one-hundred steps back is the same thing as walking away.”

    “No. You’re just getting ready to sprint forward.”

    Juniper could understand everything that Ava was saying. It all made sense, and she couldn’t say anything to counteract that, but she couldn’t fully believe it either. She wanted to, but the hopelessness in her didn’t change. It was still there, and it wouldn’t ever go away. No matter how many times she was told that she would be okay, she couldn’t fully believe it. No matter who told her that she was going to make it through this, she couldn’t find the same hope that everyone else had. And that just put her in another world of hurt. 

    After a few minutes of sitting in silence, while Juniper’s tears slowly dried, Ava gently said, “You know I’m going to have to tell your parents about the beer, right?”

    “Yeah, I know,” Juniper responded, as she slowly closed her eyes with a blink filled with regret. 

    Ava touched Juniper’s shoulder and gave her a look of sympathy, while she drove Juniper home. She didn’t want to make her tell Charlotte and William by herself, so she tried to help her, but it didn’t go as well as expected. 

    As Ava and Juniper walked into the door, Charlotte and William looked afraid. The first things they saw were Juniper’s tear-stained face and Ava’s face filled with sorrow. It wasn’t what they had expected. They thought that Juniper was happy again, or getting there. The last thing they had heard from her was her laugh. They didn’t know anything of what had happened in between.