Just Look Up At The Stars

Distance

    After a couple more counseling sessions, Juniper had appeared to be getting better. The amount of times she zoned out had seemed to decrease, and she had seemed to be engaged in more conversations. She would laugh more and smile more. She would do more than just nod her head in showing appreciation and gratitude. She seemed to be excited to see Ava, almost as if she wanted to tell her that she was getting better. However, that was not the case at all. No one, except Juniper, had known what was going on inside her mind. 

    “Hey mom. I’m heading out to counseling. I’ll see you in a couple of hours. I love you. Bye,” Juniper had said in a rushly manner, as she walked out the door with a bag full of makeup. Her mom, Charlotte, had assumed that Juniper was running late, so she would do her makeup when she got to counseling. She didn’t think anything of it. 

    “I love you too! Bye!” Charlotte smiled, as the door slammed shut. The fact that Juniper had walked out of the house in such a rush made her happy. She hadn’t seen that much energy from Juniper in a long time. 

    Juniper’s father, William, was walking down the hallway when he worridly asked, “What was that slam? Is everything okay?” He was fixing his tie, as he was heading out to work, but was interrupted with a worrisome thump. 

    Charlotte turned her head to face William and smiled. “Yea. I think everything will be okay.” After a pause of confusion from her husband, Charlotte stated, “Juniper was just in a rush to get to counseling.” At that, a smile grew on William’s face as his hope for Juniper grew. 

    William had left for work soon after Juniper left for counseling, while Charlotte cleaned up the house before she left to go to tutor her 13 year old student. She was in the middle of explaining certain mathematical concepts to her student, when she got a call from her personal cell phone. She immediately thought it was strange because she always had her phone on silent when she was with any one of her students, but she did have an app where it would ring if the caller marked it as an emergency. 

    She quickly excused herself, as she walked to the corner of the library and answered her phone. “Hello?” 

    “Hello, Mrs. Miller. I just needed to know if Juniper is coming to counseling today?” Ava had casually asked, but what Charlotte felt was anything but casual. She had seen Juniper walk out the door, saying she was going to talk to Ava, but that was over two hours ago. She should have been there already. 

    Charlotte went into an immediate state of panic, but told Ava, “I thought she was with you. She rushed out the door this morning saying she was heading over to talk to you. She still isn’t there?”

    Ava could hear the panic in her voice, so she calmly suggested, “Maybe traffic is just really bad still. When I drove to my office this morning, it was really backed up. I think there may have been road construction, but I’m sure she is perfectly fine. I will let you know when she gets here though.”

    “Yeah. Okay, thank you,” Charlotte had said as she slowly hung up the phone. She was terrified that something had happened to Juniper, but she decided to believe that it was just traffic that was keeping her daughter from getting to counseling on time. 

    A couple hours later, however, Ava had called, this time sounding more worried. “Hello, again. Did Juniper, by chance, go back home?”

    “No, I don’t think so. Is she still not with you?” Charlotte had started to have a panic attack, every worse possibly scenario running wild through her head. 

    “No, she’s not. I will look for her though. Do you know of an empty field? She mentioned that she and Jake would often spend time there.”

    After a short pause, Charlotte replied, “Actually, I think I might. I know that Juniper and Jake would spend a lot of time together, but I never knew where. I had always assumed that they were out at dinner or something, but now that I think of it, there is a place nearby that has an empty field. Juniper loves to look at the night sky, so it would make sense if that’s where she is. If you want to meet me at my house, I can take you there. It might be easier if you talk to her, just because she can tell you things that she can’t tell me.”

    “I can talk to her first, but I think that she should talk to you and your husband as well. I think that she wants to, she is just scared. I will be there in about half an hour, if you want to call Juniper’s father. Just let him know that she is okay because I am almost 100 percent sure that she will be there.”

    “Okay. Thank you so much.” There was a sense of relief at the fact that Juniper might be safe. However, that didn’t stop Charlotte from thinking the worst. She immediately called William to let him know what was going on, as she quickly headed out to her blue sedan car. She had just finished tutoring for the day, so she didn’t have to take extra time to excuse herself from her seemingly talkative, but lovely, students. 

    As William was in the middle of reviewing an engineering project, his phone started to ring. He attempted to ignore the call, but he had this feeling that he had to answer it, so without thinking, he answered his phone to a rushed and worried voice from his wife. “Juniper didn’t show up at counseling.” As soon as that sentence was said, William stepped aside and attempted to ask questions, but Charlotte’s voice was so rushed that he couldn’t fit any words into the conversation. “We think that she is at the empty field we used to go to. She should be okay, but can you meet us there? Ava will be here in a little bit, but I think that she should talk to Juniper first,” Charlotte continued, but William was completely absorbed in his own frightening thoughts. He had completely tuned out everything that was being said after the “she should be okay” part. What caught his attention was the “should.” That was terrifying, but he was already in his car at the point where he was told the place she could be at. He knew exactly what empty field was being talked about. He and his wife used to go there all of the time. They would watch the stars, just as Juniper and Jake used to do. 

    As Ava, William, and Charlotte arrived at the house, they all headed to the field, discussing what they were going to do. They already knew that Ava was going to talk to Juniper first, but William and Charlotte didn’t know what they were going to say. They were overwhelmed with so many emotions. They were angry that Juniper had lied, but they were terrified that something bad had happened to her. They didn’t know what to say to her, but they knew that she was hurting, and she needed them to just be there for her. 

    Once William pulled the car into the grass at the field, Ava slowly walked into the field, while William and Charlotte sat in the car. Thankfully, Juniper was sitting in her and Jake’s spot where the grass grew long. They could see Ava sit down next to Juniper, but Juniper didn’t respond to her presence. Instead, she just continued to stare at the sky, which seemed so empty. 

    “I’m sorry that I didn’t come to counseling today. I just felt like sitting here.” Juniper tried to play it off as just forgetting to tell everyone that she was going to miss counseling that day, but Ava could see through her lies just as easily as Jake could. 

    “I know that is partially true, but I also know that you have been spending a lot of time here.” 

    “I miss him. I just want to feel close to him again.”

    “But that’s not the only reason you are spending all of your time here, is it?”

    “No, it’s not.” Juniper looked over at Ava with her tear-filled brown eyes, grateful that she could talk to Ava. “Jake and I used to spend a lot of time here, sitting with our feelings. We would talk about them, or we would just sit in silence and stare at the stars. Lately, I have been coming here to cry because it’s the only place that I feel safe crying.”

    “If you don’t mind me asking, why is it that you only feel safe crying here?”

    “If I cry around people, I feel like I am making them feel things that I don’t want them to feel. I don’t want them to worry about me. I don’t want them to feel sad for me. I don’t want to hurt them, so I have been acting like I am getting better, but I just want them to believe it. I just want them to stop worrying about me. I want them to be happy again, and I feel like my emotions are impacting them too much. I love that they love me so much, but I don’t want to make them feel like they can’t be happy because I’m not happy. I want them to have hope, so that they can be happy. I pretend to be getting better because it will make them happy again, and I don’t think that I could ever be happy again. Is that bad?” Juniper had said this very slowly, as it was extremely difficult to talk about the truth.

    “No, it’s not bad. But, you shouldn’t feel like you have to pretend to be happy when you aren’t. It’s okay to feel the way that you are feeling.”

    “But it hurts everyone around me. I spend a lot of time in my room because I can’t keep this fake smile on for too long. And when I come out of my room, I act chipper and happier to make them think I’m getting better. I hate faking it, but I feel like it’s the only way to keep them from worrying about me.”

    “How do you think you are able to have enough energy to fake your smile?”

    “When I distance myself, I let everything out. I cry, and I think about how I am feeling. I might yell when I am alone, but it barely gives me enough strength to get through a couple hours with my fake smile on. I hate thinking about what I am feeling because it hurts too much, but it’s the only way to make it through.”

    “Thinking about your feelings is a good thing. You need to understand what you are feeling because, as much as it hurts, it will help you in the long run.”

    “Will it, though? What if it doesn’t help? What if it hurts me too much? What do I do then?”

    “It will hurt, but it will also help you get to the root of the problem. It will help you find a solution. It will help you feel better. It will help you turn that fake smile into a real one.”

    “I just don’t want my thoughts right now. They hurt me too much. Every chance I have, I distract myself from those thoughts. Every conversation I have, I am trying to think of something funny to say, instead of letting my mind wander into dark places. I constantly have to distract my mind. I constantly try to find a light, but the only light I have is the flashlight in my hand. But it’s broken, and no matter how many times I slam it against my palm, the light that does manage to come on only lasts for a few seconds. I am lost in this dark cave without a way out. Without a light. No matter how hard I try, I can’t find a way out. I can’t find a path that leads me to any light. Every path leads me to the same place. In the middle of a dark and empty cave with no light. No matter what I think about or do to keep these thoughts away, I still end up in my room at night, crying, wishing that I could just sink out of existence.” As Juniper was explaining this, tears were flowing down her cheeks. She had turned to look at Ava, wondering why she hadn't said anything or interrupted her through her rant, but she was grateful. She knew that she needed to get that out, and she was glad that Ava listened to her. 

    Ava felt sympathy for Juniper. The way that she had described what she was feeling was so strong, but Ava didn’t know exactly what to say. She knew that she didn’t have to say anything, though, because Juniper knew that she was there for her. 

    After seeing the tears in Ava’s eyes, Juniper had tried to lighten the mood by saying, “What’s really funny is that the reason I bring my makeup is so I can fix it after I am done crying. Not because I am running late to anything.”

    After Juniper got a light chuckle out of Ava, she carefully and slowly said, “Can we not tell my parents about this? About what I told you?”

    “Well, everything you tell me is confidential, so I won’t tell your parents. They are here though because they were really worried, but you can tell them whatever you want to.”

    A soft smile and light laugh from Juniper made Ava smile because she knew it was real. “Yeah, I figured they were here. I would be surprised if they didn’t show up, but how did they know I was here?”

    “Well, apparently, your mom and dad used to come here when they were dating as well. They had a feeling that you would be here.”

    They both sat still for a moment, staring at the sky and enjoying its beauty, but Juniper still saw it as an empty void. “Should we go back? It’s getting pretty suspenseful just sitting here, and mom and dad are probably worried.”

    “Yeah, let’s go,” Ava replied.

    They reached the blue sedan that was parked neatly along the street. “Hi mom. Hi dad. I’m so sorry for worrying you,” Juniper said, very apologetically. 

    “Oh, honey! Don’t be sorry. We were just worried. Why didn’t you call? Or tell someone where you were?” Charlotte said as she embraced Juniper in a warm and caring hug, after practically jumping out of the car. She wanted to ask so many more questions, but she didn’t want to overwhelm Juniper, so she just kept it to those couple of questions.

    Juniper hugged her dad, who had just gotten out of the car, while saying, “I just wanted to sit here for a while. I was on my way to see Ava, but when I drove past here, I just wanted to stare at the beautiful blue sky. I guess I forgot to let you know, and I must have left my phone in my car. I promise I’m okay though. Next time, I will be sure to call you. Are you okay?” Ava was standing beside Juniper as she explained all of this, not saying anything. She didn’t want to lie, but she wasn’t going to tell William and Charlotte what Juniper didn’t want her to.

    “Yes. We are okay. We were just worried. We weren’t sure where you were,” William said slowly.

    “Well, clearly, you guys found me somehow. Would this, by any chance, have been your spot at any point in your lives?” Juniper made it very obvious that she knew that they used to go to this field. She had a wide, but fake, smile across her face as she was pulled close to her dad. They all laughed and jumped in Charlotte’s car, while Ava took Juniper’s car back to the house. 

    Charlotte and William were so blind to the fact that Juniper had a fake smile on because of how much they wanted her to be happy. They thought that even if the smile was fake, it would become real eventually. They just wanted for Juniper to be happy again, and they would do anything it took to make that happen even if they had to stay silent and pretend to be happy themselves.