Just Look Up At The Stars

Safety

    Once Juniper realized the reality of what had happened to Jake, she began to experience new, yet familiar, emotions. She started to feel unsafe and uncomfortable in her own skin. She didn’t feel like she could ever be herself again, but she recognized those emotions that she was feeling. At one point in her life, she felt like she couldn’t be her true self, and she didn’t feel like she could ever be safe in the world. That time period was before she met Jake. She spent years avoiding anything that could potentially hurt her, including people. She distanced herself from everyone around her and everyone who attempted to approach her. 

    Then, she met Jake. She immediately felt safe with him. She knew that Jake would protect her from the moment they met. Juniper had complete faith that she would be safe with him, and there was no hesitation in the feeling of safety and comfort when they were together. Jake did everything he could to make his other half feel safe, and he was everything to her because of that. They shared everything with each other because they had more trust in their relationship than they could have ever known was possible.

    One specific memory that made her feel safe, which Juniper could clearly recall, was when Jake had told her that his sister was diagnosed with cancer. It was the most heartbreaking news for him, but he told Juniper because of their strong relationship and being able to feel safe and comforted in that relationship. They both knew that they were perfect together, and while that piece of news broke both of their hearts, Juniper knew that she would always be safe with Jake because of how they had the connection of going to each other for a feeling of comfort.

    Jake and Juniper had been lying in their special spot, gazing at the beautiful stars. “Do you know what’s up there?” Jake asked, after a few minutes of silence.

    Juniper was appalled by this question. While they have had multiple deep and meaningful conversations, this one question seemed like it had a more personal meaning. She stared deep into Jake’s ocean-like eyes for a moment, before she turned her gaze back towards the sparkling white lights in the sky. Carefully, Juniper replied, “I honestly don’t know. Whenever I think about what could be out there, I see peace. I mean, you look up at the stars, and you see darkness. But, the stars shine through that darkness and make it beautiful. I think it shows that there can be light in even the darkest of places. But, the stars seem so small from here. They just look like little dots in the sky to us, but here we are, finding peace and comfort in them. Even the smallest bit of light can make a world of darkness seem beautiful and peaceful.” After another moment of silence, Juniper had gathered the courage to bring up the reasoning behind Jake’s question. “Why do you ask?”

    Now, Jake was the one who had to find an answer to that, or rather, a way to answer it. Jake’s eyes began to tear up as he continued to stare into the night sky. Juniper could see how hard it was for him to talk about it, so as much as she wanted to know what was wrong, she decided to just sit in silence with her heartbroken soulmate, who needed his best friend more than anything else. She knew that he needed her to be there with him, even though she didn’t know what he was going through. She moved closer to Jake and rested her head on his arm, just so he would know that she was there. 

    About half an hour of silence passed by when Jake slowly, but bravely said, “Jane was diagnosed with stage three cancer. They said she’s terminal.” When Jake felt Juniper’s head turn towards him, he let go of his fixated gaze at the stars to look at Juniper’s infinite brown eyes. He could find peace in Juniper’s eyes more than he could through the night sky. They made him feel safe, but he couldn’t bear to make her feel as horrible as he did. She didn’t deserve that, so he fixed his gaze back towards the pitch black sky in order to avoid looking at Juniper’s now watery eyes. 

    Juniper felt horrible for Jake. She knew that Jake and his sister had an amazing relationship, and they did so many things together, even though his sister was 5 years younger than him. But, Juniper’s heart also ached for herself. She loved Jake’s entire family. They were like a second home to her, and the fact that Jane wouldn’t be there anymore, hurt her so bad. She loved to take Jane to the mall to help her buy a dress for her date, if her mom was too busy. She loved to take Jane out for lunch whenever she could. She loved being a big sister to Jane, and she would miss her so much. She couldn’t imagine what Jake was going through though. Because, as much as she was a part of Jake’s family, Jake had known Jane since the day she was born. He had been with Jane through all of the horrible moments, as well as all of the most memorable moments. He had taken care of Jane, enjoying every second he spent with her, even before the diagnosis. 

    Juniper had noticed the tears falling down her face, but she didn’t bother to wipe them away. Instead, she grabbed Jake and hugged him. They didn’t talk much at all, but they didn’t need to. They were just there for each other, letting the tears fall from their eyes, making them sparkle in the moonlight. 

    Juniper had felt safe with Jake at that moment, but she was terrified that she would never feel that level of safety again. While it was a horrible and terrifying experience, they were there for each other, and they both knew it. They felt safe because they had each other, but now, Jake wasn’t ever going to be around to make her feel safe again. She didn’t know if she could live like that. 

    Her family had noticed that she had been stuck and distant, understandably, but they were incredibly worried about her. They tried to talk to her and get her to vent a little bit, but Juniper had avoided the conversation every time it was approached upon her. However, she then started to zone out when she was asked leading questions. She would always respond to questions with a “No, no really,” when she was asked if she was okay, but she quickly changed the subject to something completely unrelated. But when she started to stare into space, her parents thought it was time to get her into grief counseling. 

    Juniper had no objection to her parent’s decision, mainly because she had no energy to fight it, but she didn’t really want to talk to anyone. Yet, a part of her knew that she had to talk to someone, and a part of her wanted to let some stuff out. She was just scared of feeling things that she didn’t want to feel. Sadness was obviously an open emotion for her, but Juniper knew that she felt other things. She just didn’t want to find out what they were because she never sat down and thought about what she was feeling. She didn’t want to become overwhelmed with emotions. She was okay with just feeling sad and leaving all of the other emotions undiscovered. 

    Juniper had told her counselor, Ava, everything that she was feeling, or rather everything that was on the surface. She wasn’t ready to dig deep into her mind yet, but a couple sessions later, Juniper had started to explore her feelings. Ava had been talking to Juniper twice a week, and she finally started to understand what Juniper was feeling. She couldn’t empathize with those feelings, but she could identify them and help Juniper identify them. 

    “Why do you feel guilty?” Ava had asked. Ava was always very blunt and direct with her questions. And while it might have frustrated Juniper, it helped her get to the bottom of her feelings, which is what she needed. 

    “I could have done something. I could have hugged him more. I could have been there for him when Jane passed away. I could have told him how much I loved him. I-I could have saved him,” Juniper angrily started, but she ended her answer in a sob. She was angry that she didn’t do any of what she had listed, but she was devastated that she could have saved him, and she didn’t take that chance.

    She let tears drip from her chin onto her blue jeans, creating dark spots caused by guilty tears. Ava had handed Juniper some tissues to wipe her eyes, but they didn’t do any good. Tears just kept coming, and Juniper didn’t think they would ever stop. 

    Ava had tried to tell her that it wasn’t her fault, but all Juniper could let out was “What if I never feel safe again? He was the only thing that ever made me feel safe. I don’t know what to do.” Juniper had been extremely close to hyperventilating, but instead, she brought her knees to her face and sobbed more than she ever has in all the years she had been alive. Ava walked around the center table and sat on the couch next to Juniper, giving her the hug she needed more than any possible advice. 

    Each counseling session Juniper had gone to, she dug deeper into her emotions. She already knew that she had lost all safety, but she didn’t know why she never felt safe in the first place, before she met Jake. 

    Ava asked questions that would lead almost directly to the reasoning behind feeling unsafe. “Why don’t you think that you will ever be safe again?”

    “Because Jake was my safety. He made me feel safe. I don’t know how he did it, but he did, and now he is gone. My safety is gone. My comfort is gone. Everything is gone.” Juniper had thought that all of what she said was obvious, but she knew that Ava was going somewhere with her questions. She just didn’t know why she asked the questions that she did. 

    “How did you get to the point where you felt safe with Jake? You mentioned that you never felt safe or comfortable before Jake, but what made Jake so different?”

    This question made Juniper think because she didn’t really know the answer to that. “I don’t really know. He was just warm and approachable. He was different.” 

    “Why didn’t you feel that other people were warm and approachable?”

    After a moment of pause, Juniper hesitantly replied, “I guess I was just scared.”

    “Scared of what?”

    “Being left. Getting too close to people and losing them. I don’t want to end up loving people, only for them to disappear.”

    “Did you always feel like this?”

    “I guess not. I was happy before my best friend passed away. I could get close to people without even thinking that they would leave. But now that I know everyone will leave me at some point, I don’t want to get too close.” By this point, Juniper knew exactly where Ava was going with these questions, but she decided to let it play out because she owed Ava at least the satisfaction of helping someone identify their feelings. “When I lost him, I was terrified of losing everyone else. What’s the point of loving someone if that love won’t last forever?”

    Ava completely understood where Juniper’s feelings were coming from. She had figured out why Juniper was feeling the way she was feeling. “Just because the person doesn’t last forever, doesn’t mean that the love won’t. Love doesn’t ever disappear.”

    Juniper knew that Ava was completely right, but she didn’t feel any different. She still felt the same pain that wouldn’t ever go away. “Maybe, but I still won’t feel safe. I will always love Jake, but he’s not here to remind me what safety is anymore.”

    “Losing people who are close to you is terrifying and traumatic, but you will have to move on. You will have to learn that there is more to life than death.” 

    “But we only live life to die in the end. Death is inevitable, so what’s the point in enjoying life?”

    “Have you not seen all of the beautiful things in life? The first snow of the winter? The birds singing in the mornings? The beautiful sunsets and sunrises that cover the skies in the most beautiful colors? The sound of leaves crunching beneath your feet in the fall? The smell of the perfect rose? The look of freshly cut green grass? The light wind that makes the grass dance? The dogs chasing each other through the park, while their owners have a friendly chat? The little kids that are laughing at each other, while imitating monkeys on the monkey bar? The tall trees that make you dizzy when you look up at them? The clouds that make the bright, blue sky so peaceful to look at? The stars that sparkle in the night sky? Have you ever seen any of that? Have you ever enjoyed those moments? Life is worth living. You just have to look up and see what you’re missing. Life is beautiful.” 

    Juniper knew all of that was true. She loved the beautiful moments in life. She loved the moments that made her smile, but she shared most of those moments with Jake. Being there, enjoying those times with him, is what made her feel safe. She believed that she could see the beauty in life again, but she didn't know if she was ever going to feel safe again. She didn’t know if she could ever enjoy the beautiful night sky or the sunsets the way she did when she was with Jake. It wouldn’t be the same. It couldn’t be.