reedsyprompt: responses

V

As usual, the cosmos make a mockery of my personal improvements and positive development. Regardless, I continue to push, just harder this time. I will continue to dig deeper into the terrain of my mind's deep and gnarled trenches.

As if this type of self exploration weren’t already filled with uncomfortable emotions. As if the existing weight of my guilt and shame, coupled by eventual forgiveness and acceptance, weren’t already crushing me, every day; even after internal amends were made. As if the fevered, harsh and rough, brushstrokes of my therapy’s self portrait, weren’t painful personal reflection enough. As if.

This creature of divine creation and intervention, is worthy of love, has a valuable life, and now knows herself down to her core; a genuine, empathetic and compassionate soul.

I was someone else for so long. In fact, I honestly might have always been someone else entirely. Altered and transfigured more times than can be counted, always left to the mercy of another’s whimsy.

From youth onward, almost, if not all, personal joy fell by the wayside; if it ever existed anywhere, in the first place. Leading a defeating life, a hellish loop, a cycle of repetition; I continuously attempted, in vain (for more than a couple decades), to please everyone. Selfless acts of kindness, shed upon even those, playing the most minor of non-speaking roles, active in the show of my life at any given time. In the same way a breeze gives pause from the heat of a summer day, is the same way that my acts of kindness, of love, of thoughtfulness, were always noticed and treated. Only, if ever, for a very short time (if ever even noticed at all).

I don’t think there could possibly be any better example of personal exploration than therapeutic counseling. One has to literally strip down their deepest thoughts and cloaked mentalities, buried beneath, tangled within and throughout, an entire life's worth of traumas and experiences.

If it could be described in terms of “exploring the great unknown,” delving into the depths of depravity and desecration is some of the most difficult, introspection of the unknown, at our own internal deviances, can be frightening shadow work. However, once you’ve tread carefully around, over, under and into, the untouched landscape of subconsciously protected memories; one might finally then, through the means of psychology, be led to important and life changing findings, all with both obscure and profound discoveries.

Enlightenment.

That volume of my book is closed. I can say that I loved, laughed, but most importantly, I learned.