reedsyprompt: responses

III

I was polite and respectful in my youth, growing into an intelligent and inquisitive child, worthy of my parent’s pride and approval. As the oldest of five siblings with overprotective and strict, old school parents, I quickly became a rebellious, bitter, and deceitful teenager, less valuable in my worth now, having given in to a “sexually promiscuous urge” and “the misuse of substances.” Eventually I would become a complete and utter disappointment, from the point in which I received my highschool diploma at graduation, right up until the moment I became pregnant with my oldest son, at which point, I transformed from a daughter, into a mother, myself. At least, that’s how I’ve been made to feel I’ve been seen.

Why was I stuck? What kept me in that house, in those unbelievable circumstances, with those children?! The fact is, that I was completely and entirely frozen. Our bodies react naturally to dangers and expected dangers around us, constantly. Individually we all react differently due to our own personal histories and pasts. I can share what I’ve learned through my own reflection on my last relationship; Trauma responses are recognized as “fight, flight, freeze, and (more recent additions of) fawn and flop.”

In just writing this piece, I’ve learned a new type of trauma response (see #No 5 below). I’ve noticed that lately (and thankfully), this area of mental health has slowly been gaining interest and therefore growing in momentum. When I began researching different kinds of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse five years ago, I was only able to learn the three ‘major’ responses, fight, flight or freeze, while at the time, fawning was a new type of response that was given a name, which means the human response to trauma is being explored externally as well as internally. Talk about personal exploration! If we seriously deconstruct our thought patterns, through a lens of all our past versions and former selves, everyone has the right to feel, and when dredging the backwaters of your mind, you almost certainly will.

Now, know that you will most likely cause yourself to feel afraid, uncomfortable, anxious, confused, the likes – as you should. If we weren’t peeling back layers of our past, of our pain and trauma, of our stories, how do we intend to find ourselves again, at all?