All I Want For Christmas

Chapter 9 - Ghost Of Christmas Past - Part 1.

'Fear is temporary, regret is forever'

~ Unknown

Olivia's P.O.V.

It's crazy how fear can stop a lot of us from doing the things that we either wanna do or have to do.

When it comes to my fear in particular, it wasn't just one fear, no it was a fear on top of a fear on top of a fear if that makes any sense.

I was afraid to come back home to boulder through fear of seeing my twin and my ex again and then in fear of what could happen if or should I say when I see them again because seeing them again is inevitable.

I was also afraid of reliving the pain, hurt, anger and shame, more so the latter because Boulder is a small town and gossips are rife, especially in the area where I was raised, so I already knew that they were aware of what happened and I didn't wanna have to deal with the shame of all of these gossips talking about it and bringing it all back up when they find out I've returned.

I know that all of this is perfectly normal to feel, not to mention it's also inevitable as well so the best thing you can do is to face s**t like this head on and a part of me wishes that I had faced all of this sooner instead of allowing my fear to take over and control me and my decisions.

The reason why is because as I sit here with my family enjoying a beautiful and sumptuous meal with my family, I can't help but to feel blessed to have such wonderful and amazing people in my life who love me unconditionally but I also feel guilty as well that I made all of them suffer six years of pain and suffering because of my fear.

"Can we all please stop talking about this subject? you're bringing my food back up"

"But it's funny, daddy"

I say and he smiles slightly at me.

"Funny princess, how would you like it if your mother was telling you stories about her and I going skinny dipping with all of our friends, hmm?"

My papa asked me and my face immediately scrunched up in disgust.

"EWW!!, daddy"

"Exactly princess"

My dad said as his smile grew bigger and brighter.

"No child, no matter how old they are wants to hear about their parents wild escapades, especially when it involves them being nude or having intercourse"

"Ooh, having intercourse"

My nana mocked my dad whilst rolling her eyes as her naturally bright red curls swayed from the movement of her head.

"Just say s*x for God's sake, Frank, that's what it is, it's hot, steamy, passionate, dirty..."

"NANA!!"

"MOM!!"

We all shouted in unison which made my nana chuckle.

"What it is, you bunch of prudes"

She muttered whilst still chuckling.

"We're not prudes nana"

"Yeah, we just don't wanna hear our almost eighty year old nana talk about s*x like she's some horny teenager"

"Ok then, if you're not a prude, tell the family when was the last time you boys tried a new position in the bedroom or had some adventurous s*x like in the shower, the back garden or on Ferris wheel at Santa Monica pier"

Holy s**t.

"Mom, what the hell?"

"Oh come on, Frank, you had to be conceived somewhere"

My nana says and I chuckle, especially when I saw my dad's horrified face.

"You're so naughty, nana Lucy"

My mom said with a giggle.

"Of course I am, how else do you think I earned the title of naughty nana"

My nana said whilst winking at my mom.

"For Christ's sake, mom"

My dad groaned whilst facepalming.

My nana Lucy has always been a very liberated woman, so much so that before she had turned twenty five, she had already acquired herself quiet a few notches on her bedpost and she had also done so many other things to gain s****l experience as well.

Things such as experimenting with the opposite s*x, trying every position imaginable and also experimenting with every s*x toy known to man including ones that have been designed for men only.

The reason why she did this is because in her words, how are you supposed to gain experience or know what you like or are into sexually if you don't broaden your horizons with your sexuality if you don't give it a go and try it at least once and I actually agree with her.

I mean, I'm not nearly as experienced as my nana when it comes to s*x, in fact, I don't have any experience because the one and only time I've ever had s*x was when I lost my virginity to my ex on graduation night but I have experimented with certain toys like vibrators and dildos thanks to the dynamic duo of my nana and Demi.

The pair had cornered me one day when my family came to New York to visit me and when they asked me if I had any boyfriends or lovers, they were left horrified when I told them no and that I hadn't been with anyone since Colton and I hadn't got myself off either which they thought was sacrilegious so they took me to the nearest s*x shop and 'kitted' me out with toys to help me get myself off.

It was one of the most embarrassing days of my life, especially when my nana told the owners of the shop about my lacklustre s*x life like it was front page news and they agreed that a woman should have an orgasm at least once a day even if it is at her own hands.

"You shouldn't be embarrassed of nana Lucy, uncle Frank, I think she's amazing, I wanna be just like her when I'm eighty"

"Seventy eight and thank you, baby"

My nana said proudly and I rolled my eyes whilst chuckling.

"Why doesn't that shock me, Dems?"

I ask my best friend who smirks and winks at me which made me laugh as I shook my head.

"I'm gonna go the toilet"

I said as I stood up and left the table.

I then head upstairs and go to the bathroom to relieve myself.

When I was finished doing my business and I had washed my hands, I stood outside of the room and for a brief second, I hesitated as I contemplated whether or not I should go back downstairs or go and see my old bedroom for the first time in six years.

In the end, I decided to go to my bedroom which still looks the same.

All of my achievements including awards from high school are still on the wall, the grey and red bedding I picked out when I was fifteen is still on the double bed but I can tell from the smell of fresh laundry that my mom has clearly been keeping this place clean and fresh with hopes of me coming back home which intensified my guilt but it was the pictures on my wall and also on my side cupboard which took my breath away.

The pictures on my wall are of Colton, Tyler, Demi and me during various different events in our lives going all the way from when we were kids to right up to a party which we had attended right before graduation which was one of the last parties that we attended together as a quartet before everything changed for good.

As for the picture on my nightstand, well, this is just a picture of myself and Colton from my eighteenth birthday party, I'm looking at the camera with a huge smile on my face while my ex is kissing my temple.

It's a beautiful picture and it's one that brings a tear to my eye because we had made so many plans for our future that night only for every single one of them to be shattered in a matter of months.

"I thought I'd find you in here, princess, are you ok?"

My dad asks me and I quickly wiped my tears away whilst plastering a fake smile on my face.

"I'm fine, daddy"

"You may be able to fool your mother and everyone else with that word but you can't fool your old man, Olivia"

My dad says and I sigh as he sits down next to me.

"What do you want me to say, dad? that I'm not fine, that it hurts just as much today as it did back then, that every time I hear a knock or a bang or a door opening and shutting in this place, my heart doesn't start to race at the thought of Tyler and or Colton potentially walking through the door"

"Yeah because then it wouldn't be a lie, sweetheart"

My dad says whilst looking me in my eyes.

"I just don't want you guys to worry about me, dad"

I say and he chuckles.

"Newsflash baby, we're parents, parents always worry about everything to do with their offspring, it doesn't matter how minute and tedious the issue is, we worry, it's part of the job"

"Ok fine, I don't wanna cause you unnecessary worry"

"What like choosing a college to attend on your own which is hours away from here and in New York of all places"

Ok, he's got me there.

"New York's a great place, daddy"

I say whilst resting my head on his shoulders and my dad smiles.

"Yeah, it is but that doesn't mean I want my eighteen year old daughter living there on her own, Ollie"

"Well, I'm fine, the only injuries I gained there were superficial knife wounds from when I was a rookie baker"

I say and my dad chuckles before sighing happily.

"I'm so incredibly proud of you, Ollie...you managed to turn your heartbreak into strength and you were able to not only gain your degree in your dream job but you were able to gain some wonderful experience from all around the world so that you could open up your own business...you don't even realise how proud mommy and I were of you when we attended the opening of your bakery, Ollie, it was one of the best days of our lives"

He says and I smile.

I was about to respond to him when we heard a loud bang coming from downstairs which was followed by loud laughing.

Dad and I looked at each other in confusion before leaving my room and heading downstairs were we were greeted by two very drunk and familiar men who were on the floor laughing and it's clear from their position that they had fallen through the door.

"You're such a f*****g i***t, Colton"

"Yeah, says the jackass who can't even open a door properly"

Colton and Tyler said whilst laughing which died down when someone cleared their throat.

The pair then looked up with huge smiles on their faces but they were soon gone when their happy and gleeful gazes turned to shock as their eyes locked on me.

"Oh my god, Olivia"