Almost Not Over You

CHAPTER 10: IS IT REALLY FOR REAL?

Life is bound with many surprises. Sometimes, those surprises are good to have—they make us happy and appreciate even the little things in life. Some are like a dream or much worst, a nightmare that we desperately wanted to wake up and forget everything. Every one of us has a fair share of these surprises. No one can escape from this reality. But no matter how those surprises affect us, it makes life even more exciting and beautiful. It may blow us out. But we just have to go with the flow no matter where life may take us.

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“Ah! Ouch. My back.” I wake up from the pain I felt. Then I realized I was already fallen off the bed. I tried to pick myself up. Picking my pillows and blanket back into my bed. I was about to take a short nap when I suddenly remembered what happened last night. I opened my eyes widely in shock. I was processing everything—from the events in the party until Jac’s unofficial confession. It wasn’t a dream at all.

“I came to pick my girlfriend. I came to pick my girlfriend… girlfriend…” Those very words keep on repeating in my head. I slap my face to make sure I wasn’t dreaming at all. “Ouch!” “It’s really for real,” I told myself. How I am supposed to face him? It caught me off in the middle. I mean how he could unexpectedly confess his feelings the moment I decided to let go. How could he suddenly be so bold with his true feelings the time I already told myself that my 1% is just for a dream?

Phone beeps. “Hello?” I answered with a sad tone. “Yes! Alright. Bye.” I easily shifted my voice into a happy tone after hearing that it was my boss. I have no choice, but to get up and prepare for work. I need to fix myself and continue with my daily routine as if nothing happens.

After taking a bath and changing into my office work attire, I slowly went outside my room. I walked slowly—trying my best not to make any single sound. I’m not prepared to face him. Not this time. I don’t know what to say. This situation is not new to me at all. We already had this kind of awkwardness before when I confess my feelings to him. But this time—it’s totally different. When I confess my feelings to him I know for sure what to say. But this time I don’t know how to react. I don’t know what to say.

Luckily, I saw nobody’s presence. I felt relieved. I can’t believe I was acting like a thief in my own house—not my own house though. This my first time doing such stupid things. But when I was about to reach the main door, Jac quickly called me from the kitchen. “George!” He uttered while smiling and waving his hands—telling me to come and eat breakfast together.  Those smiles that will surely melt your heart. “Crazy, George. Damn it. Stop this nonsense, okay?” I told myself silently.

“I’m okay. I’ll just eat at the office. I’m already in a hurry right now. Sorry.” I apologized. I was trying to make excuses this time.

“Huh?” Jessie butt in from somewhere. “But it’s a weekend.” She added while taking a sip of coffee and seated on the table. “I don’t remember you have work during these days. Besides you already quit working in the flower shop right? The owner already came back for work a few days ago, right?” She continued her thorough explanation.

I don’t know if I would admire her extra cautious and detailed attitude. At that moment, I don’t know if she’s my friend or his. I don’t know which side she’s taking on this time. I wanted to pinch her on the side for being so nosy at the wrong time.

I pretended to smile while thinking of a better excuse when Jessie pulled me to take a seat. “Why are you still standing there? Take a seat. You know it’s not a good thing to let the food wait on the table. It’s bad luck.”

I immediately took the seat beside Jessie upon seeing Jac pulled a chair at the side of him. “Oh! Mmm.” I scoop a spoonful of rice and some bacon and ham. “Just the smell of it makes me hungry even more.” I quickly added to divert Jessie’s attention. “Ha… ha… ha!”

“Hey! Jessie blurted. “We usually have this kind of breakfast before. But you don’t make any exaggerated comments at all. Are you okay? You seem odd.”

“I’m okay, of course. I mean why I wouldn’t.” I explained quickly.

“By the way, where are you going for today?” Jessie asked. “You usually wake up late during weekends.”

“I got a call in the office. Madam Olivia wanted me to double-check some papers for the client presentation this coming Monday.” I explained.

“Double check? You already double-check it a few days ago, right? No. Not double-check, but triple check to be exact. She’s so meticulous.”

Jessie uttered with a little anger on her face.

“Well. I guess she just wanted to make sure everything is perfect.” I added. “But it’s fine with me though. I don’t have other things scheduled for today. So, it’s okay.”

“Are you staying in the office the whole day? Or you will be home for lunch?” Jac smoothly asked while looking into my eyes casually and putting those smiles again.

I couldn’t resist his gaze even just a minute of it. I immediately drink my hot coffee in just one blow. “Ouch!” I shouted.

“Are you okay? Jessie worriedly uttered while wiping my top with a tissue. Jac on the other hand went immediately into the kitchen and was diligently looking for the first aid kit. At first, I couldn’t feel anything. It seems like my adrenaline causes me to be numb and insensitive.

Jac came back with the first aid kit in his hands. He was trying to place some ointment into my lips since it was turning red according to what Jessie exclaimed a while ago. I know how OA she was especially about me. Meanwhile, Jac’s face draws closer to mine as he took a closer look making sure all the slightly burnt skin will be properly treated. And that very closeness makes me feel so anxious. I could feel his breath. What’s worse is that I couldn’t stop myself from imagining weird things. I couldn’t stop myself from staring at his face especially his lips. Then I suddenly shook my head.

“Are you okay?” Jac asked.

“George?” Jessie tensely added. “You’re making me nervous.”

I quickly stand up. “I’m okay.” I comforted her. “It’s far from death.” I jokingly added.

Then, Jessie punch me. “Ouch!” I teasingly added. “Now, it hurts.”

“You think this is funny, George?” Jessie anxiously added. “The moment you step your foot here in Austria, you’re my responsibility. Do you think she immediately permitted you to come here just because you asked her? No, George. She asked me ahead of time. She has given me strict rules and regulations. She made me in-charge of you especially that you came here broken.”

“I know. I’m sorry. But seriously, I’m really fine. I was just trying to lighten the mood. That’s all.” I explained thoroughly. “Don’t get too work up because of this.” Then, I hug her.

At the office, while I was busy reading and double-checking some papers, my phone suddenly beeps. And guess what, it was Jac. It took me a couple of minutes before I answered his call. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself—managing my thoughts and practicing some words I’m going to tell him.

“Yes!” I tried to be formal. “What?” I suddenly shifted my tone while standing up. I was shocked after hearing that he was actually outside of my office and standing at the door to be exact bringing some lunch. I was about to tell him an excuse that I was having lunch outside with some fellow when he suddenly barged in.

“Hi!” He greeted with a smile. “I brought you some food. I assume that you’re very busy with work that you wouldn’t be able to get out and buy some lunch.” He enthusiastically added while setting a small table and preparing the food. “So, I brought you some food over. It’s your favorite chicken adobo and some salad too. Come, let’s dig in.”

I was eating quietly. No talking at all. Not even a single “ting” of the spoon or “tsk” while chewing the food. I was trying to finish the food immediately because seriously I don’t want the kind of situation I’m in right now. The silence and awkwardness are killing me badly.

“Slowly.” Jac articulated. “We’re not on an eating competition or marathon. Just eat slowly.”

“I’m done. Thanks for the lunch. I expressed. “If you’ll excuse me, I have a lot of things to do.”

“I brought some coffee along the way. If you don’t mind.” Jac offered a cup of creamy latte. “Actually, I didn’t come here just to have lunch together. I just made it as an excuse. I came here because I wanted to talk about what happened the other night.”

“Yes!” I shouted with laughs. “Of course we should talk about.”

“Look, George. I…” I quickly shouted and stood up. “Hey! Right. I need to call Mr. Lewis right now. I’m sorry about that. But, if you’ll excuse for a moment.” I dialed any number and move towards the kitchen enough that I could take a sneak peek at Jac. Well, I pretended to be talking to someone and taking it so long. Probably, I’ll be able to get an acting award for this whole pretentious thing. I keep mentioning even unnecessary topics just to make my fake conversation seem real and lengthy. In my mind, I was hoping he would leave immediately because I cannot take this while drama anymore.

Luckily after more than an hour of faking this phone call conversation, he went outside right after cleaning the trash on the table. I was looking at him until he reached and closes the door. That’s the cue I needed to end this little Hollywood acting of mine. Then, I sighed deeply. I can’t believe a small white lie turns out to be a snowball that I don’t know how to handle anymore. Well, it’s not like I don’t want to talk about that day. It’s not that I don’t want to hear about our real status. Because if there’s one person who badly needed some sort of explanation and clarification, that would be me. But it’s just that I’m afraid that he will just say sorry again—that he will just apologize for being drag by his emotions. Or maybe he was just acting like a big brother to me especially after probably hearing how Casanova guy I was meeting on that day. “Huh! These weird and never-ending thoughts.” I told myself.

Then night came and work is finally over. At last, I could have a whole day rest tomorrow. No work. No disturbance. No stress. It’s just me, myself, and I, time. I was singing and laughing when I went outside. But I suddenly stop in shock after seeing Jac standing and... “He was approaching to me.”

“Hi!” I greeted.

“Hi!” He answered.

“What are you doing here?” I curiously asked.

“I came to pick you up.” He eagerly replied. “Plus, I’m craving for some steak. And I searched online for this famous steak house. They have a Michelin star which means they’re very good. It’s my treat. Let’s go.”

“Mm… Jac?” I butt in.

“Yes?” He replied.

“I’m sorry Jac. But I believed I won’t be able to join you for some steak eating for tonight. I have a prior engagement with some friends.” I explained. “You know girls night out. Jessie will also be there. I’m sorry I couldn’t tag you along.”

“It’s okay.” He was easily approved. “Have fun, okay?”

I never thought he would easily agree. I mean no more questions and negotiations at all. Not a single one. Not his usual. But I was happy about it though. It was again another fake night out. Another lies to be added to the list. Plus, I drag Jessie on this issue. I can’t believe it. Fortunately, she had a night shift to cover up for her fellow nurse which means Jac wouldn’t know that there was no girls’ night out happening tonight. I’ll just have to go somewhere and spend a couple of hours or even more just to make sure I wouldn’t cross path with him at the house.

After eating at a restaurant and eating some ice cream at my favorite creamery, I decided to take a walk at the park. I saw people jogging and biking. Some were playing badminton on the grass. But what made me stop was when I saw a couple. Well, it was the only assumption though since they were having some picnic date and was eating and laughing romantically. It made me smile. And the last thing I know, I was imagining the couple to be us—Jac and I. “Stop it, George. Cut this nonsense of yours.”

I continued my walk when I shortly took a glimpse of my watch. “He’s probably be sleeping by this time. It’s already past 11 in the evening, I guess it’s time for me to go home.” I said to myself.

I guess the universe is finally taking my side after seeing lights out all over the house. I sighed in relief. I slowly open the door—acting not like a thief, but someone who secretly barge in on someone’s house. I was about to smile after successfully get in quietly when the lights suddenly turn on.

“What was happening?” I look up in awe and turn around seeing Jac sitting on the couch. “Why are you not sleeping?”

“I waited for you.” He explained.

“Why?” I puzzlingly asked as I took a step closer.

“I can’t get hold of you the whole day.” He answered. “Are you avoiding me or something?” He added.

“Of course not,” I replied quickly while taking a seat—to make my defense sound so convincing. “Why would I avoid you? I can’t remember for a particular reason.”

“Okay. If you said so.” He uttered. “Then, maybe we could talk about us.”

“What?” I surprisingly shouted. “Why? What about us?” I added while trying to act naturally especially on how I stuttered on my words.

“We need to talk about what happen the other day.” He seriously continued.

“Ah! That one. No worries, Jac. I already forgot what happened. I mean I’m the kind of person who doesn’t usually put meaning on things and dealt with the past for too long. So, don’t be bother about it. Let just move on, okay?” I explained as fast as I could and stood up. “I better go. It’s already late in the evening. You should also take asleep. Good night.”

I was about to leave when he suddenly grabbed my hands. My heart skips a beat. Why is he so stubborn this past few days? What does he really want?

But before I could react, Jessie suddenly turns on the lights in the hallway from her room making the whole living area well-lighted. The more I couldn’t hide my true emotions. Jac immediately released my hands. 

“George?” “Jac?” She surprisingly asked. “Thanks, and it’s just the two of you. I thought we have been robbed.”

“I’m sorry for waking you up,” I replied while walking towards her. “Let’s go. I’m so tired.” I added with a smile and luckily it works on her as she went inside the room without any further questions.

“Good night, Jac,” Jessie uttered. “Kindly check the door if it’s properly locked, okay. It’s not bad to be extra careful, right. Thanks.”

“Let’s go,” I said while taking a short glimpse of Jac. And from the way I see it, He seems serious this time. His eyes tell me he is sincere with every word he said. But a part of me, tells me that I should not be swayed by his eyes nor by his words. Just like Jessie has always been telling me every time I let my guard down.

I spent my whole night thinking of what’s the best thing to do. I’ve been practicing myself from a different scenario of our supposed to be “about us conversation”. I’ve been rehearsing the words I would say but in my mind only since I don’t want to wake up Jessie. I don’t want to be a burden to her anymore. But guess even the whole night is not enough to prepare for it.

I couldn’t get a night of better sleep. None at all. Not even a second nor a minute. Morning came and still, I couldn’t clear up my thoughts. I’m still undecided on the best things to do. I realize that no matter how many hours I spent thinking, I’m still unsure because we haven’t had a clear conversation, to begin with. We had a misunderstanding because of our hazy path. And the best thing that came up to mind is to finally talk about it. No more fleeing, no more walking away, no more pretentious, no more lies. Just pure honesty and sincerity.

I stood up from the bed. Looking in the mirror, I told myself. This is the day, George. This is it. No more running away. “Huh! I got this.” I told myself.

After taking a bath and changing into my office attire, I take a deep breath then open the door. There I saw, Jac preparing breakfast. I slowly walk towards him and seated in front of him. I looked at him. And he to me. No words. Just a moment of silence and gaze from each other.

After mustering up my courage, I started the conversation. “I guess you’re right. We need to talk about what happened the other day. We need to clear any misunderstanding that took effect after that day. We need to talk about us.” I seriously explained. “But not here. Not when Jessie’s around. We can talk after work. I’ll just message you the exact location. If that would be fine with you.”

He just nodded his head in affirmation and continue his breakfast. Not even a single word was heard from him. That’s why it’s hard to be certain about my feelings for him. It’s not like I’m not sure whether I love him or not. It’s just that it’s hard to be brave and courageous about it. And that day added to the days of our long quiet moments.

Then the night came--duty is off. I texted him the location. Since it was only just 15 minutes away from my work, I decided to walk and take time to find the strength and courage that I’ll be needed for tonight. Just a few steps away, I saw his back and the more I felt nervous. Seeing him from afar makes my heart beats faster. I hesitated for a while and wanted to just walk away. But then I remember the promise I made to myself. No more running away. No more excuses. No more drifting away from reality.

“Hello!” I greeted him while slowly taking a seat a meter away from him.

“Oh! Hi!” He replied casually. 

“Have you been waiting for too long?” I asked first after taking a sip of the coffee I bought going to the park. “I’m sorry I had to take care of some stuff from work.”

“It’s okay.” He answered softly.

Then a moment of silence came. No words were heard from the both of us. After the small hi and hello, it seems like I lost all the words I wanted to say to him. It looks like it vanishes into the cold thin air of the night.

“The other day…” We said the same words together.

“You go ahead,” I said.

“No. You first.” He uttered. “Ladies first.” He laughingly added.

“Huh?” I defensively added.

“I’m just joking. I’m sorry.” He immediately took back his words.

And we both laugh. We look at each other with a smile. I guess we both needed that pause to destroy the wall in between that makes us so awkward toward each other.

“But seriously George. I’m really sorry about the other day when I suddenly bump in and ruin your date. I’m sorry also about the kiss. I don’t want you to think that I’m taking advantage of you. Or I’m using you to get over with my painful past. I’m really sorry.” He explained.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say sorry.” I said.

“I have to. Because of what I did, I know I put you in a very uncomfortable spot. I’m really sorry about that.” He added with a sad tone.

“Okay. If you insist.” I annoyingly added. I’m not upset by the fact that he said sorry because I know he was just being a gentleman. But what pisses me off is the tone of his sorry. To me like someone full of regrets on what they did. It seems like it wasn’t his intention at all and he was just carried by his emotion or something. The kiss. And, the confession—everything was just unintentional.  The more I pity myself because a part of me hopes to hear something positive from him. But I guess this is. This is the end.

“Let’s just forget about that day and go back to where we are before that day happened.” I proudly said while standing fronting him and offered my right hand for a friendly handshake putting the best smile I could.

“No. We couldn’t go back to that day, George. I don’t want to.” His tone was quite different this time. He stood up facing me. He looked straight into my eyes. “You’re right from the start. I’m the hopeless one for thinking Angela and I could go back together. Coming here that was my only goal. But these past few days, I realize that what we had is gone for real. It was already past tense in my life. I realize that I’ve been missing the best moments in life because I was stuck in the past. I’m tired of living that way. Now, what I really want is to see if miracles do happen. I wanted to see where that 1% can go. I wanted it to grow.”

Those words caught me in the middle. It froze me a bit that I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I’m truly happy that we could have a chance—that there could be an “us”. Because honestly, a part of me says, something is off. Maybe I was just scared. I already had this fair share of pain in the past after my ex-boyfriend cheated on me. I had enough.

But I guess that is life after all. I mean whether it’s a blessing or problem just like the rain, it will pour heavily. So, as in love. There are a lot of wonders along the way. The least we expect it, the more it will happen. That’s how uncertain it is. Sometimes, those surprises lead us to a lot of questions, “Is this for real?” “Is this happening?” “Is this for real?” No one can give us the answers we want. No one can give us the assurance we need. Not even ourselves. But no matter how those surprises may lead us, we could only use it to our benefit if our eyes are wide open to see its beauty and purpose—only if we are ready enough to grab those surprises.