Almost Not Over You

CHAPTER 11: TAKING RISK EVEN AT 1%

In school, we learn the ratio, proportion, and percentage. Sometimes, it exhausts us to the point of asking its importance. But life teaches us that these math concepts especially the percentage help us to weigh things. It helps us to calculate whether certain things are worth risking for especially when it comes to love. We only have one heart so we need to give it to the right person. We may not measure the advantages and disadvantages literally. But technically in our mind, we had these calculations of the pros and cons. We can only decide if we are sure that the risk is being narrowed down. We don’t want to get hurt. And no one deserves to be hurt. I don’t want to get hurt, again.

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 “Hey! George, wake up.” I heard a voice dragging me to open my eyes. “Why are you pouting your lips? What a weirdo.” Jessie curiously asked as she putting some light makeup on her face before going to work.

“Dream?” I curiously asked myself. “It was just a dream. Again?” I added softly. I keep refreshing my mind on what happened last night. I clearly remember I went to the park. Jac and I were talking. I heard he said he wanted to know where that 1% could go. He wanted it to grow. Wait. He wanted us a chance. “Ah!” I excitedly shouted and hug Jessie and jumping relentlessly.

“Why?” Jessie shockingly asked. “You startled me.”

I couldn’t reply as I was thinking about what happened last night. I hugged Jessie tightly.

“Hey! I can’t breathe George.” Jessie patiently said. “Are you okay?” She worriedly asked. “A while ago you were pouting your lips while closing your eyes. Then, you were talking to yourself like a psycho and now you suddenly screamed.” She strongly added. “Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. This is not good, George. I suggest you better see a psychiatrist.” Jessie teasingly uttered as she went out of the room. “Bye!”

“Oh?” I quietly replied with a smile on my face.

Every time something happens to me, I always caught myself waking up in the middle of a dream. From what I read in a book, people who think a lot or go through a series of stress tend to daydream or having trouble sleeping at night. Because of their unstable emotions, they have a difficult time differentiating reality from a dream. It’s hard for them to decipher whether it really happened or not.

“Wait. What happened was just a dream?” I confusingly asked myself. “Ha…ha…ha… No. I obviously remember…” Before I could continue, my phone beeps. It was Mamita. She’s been calling me a lot these past few days. But I’ve been ignoring her call. I hesitated to answer my phone since the day we had a strong argument about my dad. Its’ not like I don’t want to talk to her. It’s just that I don’t want her to be sad every time I told her I won’t call my dad. She keeps on nagging me about it even to the point of texting me long messages.

I know it’s been more than 3 years now since the last time I saw my dad. It’s been more than 3 years since we talked. At first, it was really hard. I lost my mom at a young age. But I never thought I could also lose my dad. I thought our misunderstanding will only last for a day, or a week, or a month or even a year. But to my surprise, it took more than years now. Well, I got used to it. I get used to the feeling of being an orphan now. And I’m embracing that feeling since I came here to Austria. I’m totally loving it.

But there were times that I feel so alone and lonely that I have these weird thoughts.  I wonder if my dad would also felt the same way. There were times I asked myself, “Did he miss me? Did he want to see me? Did he felt curious about my life? Did he want to know how I’m doing? If I’m doing well at work? Or if there’s someone who makes me heart race?” A lot of questions that I’m longing to hear the answers from him. Questions that will remain questions because I don’t think I could possibly be able to ask those to him. The wounds have been too deep that even time can’t heal. Or if they were healed by time, the scars remain. I guess so. Because even talking about him makes me very uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry, Mamita. I’m really sorry. But I can’t. Not this time.” I softly uttered while looking at my phone feeling apologetic.

After taking a bath, I decided to go for a jog in the park. I wanted to clear and refresh my mind. I wanted to breathe some fresh air because the early morning has been too emotional for me. I needed a good distraction to divert my mood.

But when I open the door, I saw Jac wearing work out attire while doing some stretching.  I was surprised because I never saw him waking up early in the morning going for an exercise. He's not the type of person who goes out just to work out or something.

“Good morning!” He greeted with a wide smile while doing some exercise.

“Oh!” He seemed odd. I can sense something’s wrong with him. “I’ll go for an hour jog and exercise in the park. I’ll be probably eating breakfast outside. So, you can eat without me.” I explained thoroughly.

After placing a wireless headset on my ear and setting my phone for an hour alarm. I started to jog. Truly fresh air early in the morning is a good relaxation of the mind and body. It’s like hitting two birds with one stone. I was closing my eyes momentarily to feel the morning breeze.

But when I open my eyes, I saw Jac jogging from the other end. “Oh? What is he doing here?” He was getting closer. Before I could dodge and walk away, he arrived right on time.

“Hello!” He greeted again with the same smile he made a while ago and catching his breath.

“Hi!” I replied confusingly.

“You’ve been so fast jogging. I was following you from behind. But I suddenly stop when I saw a granny needed some help with her wheelchair. And before I realize you were out of sight. I couldn’t find you. I’ve been running over the park just to find you. Luckily, I found you. I guess this must be fate.”

There, he goes again. His smile and his words that makes my heart skip a beat again. He really knows how to make me feel awkward. “Huh! Why is it so hot early in the morning?” I exclaimed and walked away quickly. 

But before I could go far, he suddenly held my hand. “Let’s go.” He said enthusiastically.  I wanted to ask him why he’s holding my hands. But I couldn’t because of how quick things happen. I was shocked at first. But I don’t know what happened to myself. I don’t know why I voluntarily let him hold my hand and jog with him. I even laugh with him whenever he laughed. I don’t know why I just go with the flow.

We had breakfast together at the park. He brought some food. He even bragged about waking up so early just to prepare those. He keeps on talking about him accidentally cut his middle finger on his left hand when he was cutting some onions. He said he was really excited for today that he wanted to be quick in preparing the food and ended up cutting his middle finger a bit. He also added how he got a small burn on his arms while transferring cooked food into the food container. With his small talks, I saw how happy he is.

I thought I had enough of those—those sweet gestures and acting like a gentleman. But I guess, the day isn’t over yet. I saw him waiting outside my office. He even brought some flowers. My favorite flowers—green roses. And he’s even waving at me with the look of someone who’s in love. He’s in love? With me?

“Hi!” Jac smilingly greeted. “Are you done with work?”

“Yes.” I confusingly replied.

“Good.” He said while browsing his phone. “Let’s grab some dinner together. I found a beautiful place to eat. It has a nice ambiance. Plus they have a rooftop set-up. We could enjoy watching the stars, too. Let’s go.”

“Jac?” I said. Before going, I wanted to ask him something I’ve been keeping since I woke up from that dream. I don’t have the courage to ask him earlier since that would be so awkward for me to do so. But I guess this is the perfect time to ask him. No more holding back. No more turning around, George.

“Yes!” He replied smilingly. “Why?”

“What are you doing there?” I asked. “Why are you so sweet and caring? Why would you wake up so early and prepare some food? Why would you go for a jog? I know how you hated early morning workout.  And this. Why are you here? Why are you waiting for me outside my office? Why are you giving me those flowers? Why would you want to grab dinner together? Why would you do these things that a boyfriend should do for his girlfriend? Why?” I can’t believe I was able to ask him those questions. But I did. No stuttering words. No missing out sentences. Then, I took a long breath.

And the least reply I could receive from him, he was laughing hardcore. I don’t know what seems so funny to him. I can’t remember I uttered a joke or something. If he wouldn’t stop, he could even die because of laughing too much.

“How cute.” He smilingly remarked while pinching my cheeks.

“Hey! I’m being serious here.” I angrily uttered.

He moved an inch closer. “Why? You thought I was just playing around?”

He looked at me straight from the eyes. A moment of silence. This time I feel like something’s different. I don’t know if it’s his voice or his tone or the way he looked at me or the cold wind that blows into my veins.

“I’m not playing around, George. I’m serious about us. What I said last night came from my heart. I really like you, George. I really do. I don’t know where it all started. I can’t even remember exactly why I’ve fallen for you. But I guess that’s just how love is all about. You can’t find a perfect reason to explain what you feel. It’s just that you felt it from within. You just wanted to be with the person you love. You miss them if you can’t see them even just a second. And even if you’re together, you’ll be missing them. You don’t want time to pass. Not even a second.”

“Wait.” I raised both my hands. I paused for a while. I was trying to process everything I heard. “Us? Last night? So you mean to say, what happen last night wasn’t a dream at all. It really happened for real?” I asked him puzzlingly. 

“Yes. Of course. It wasn’t a dream.” He nodded. “Hey! You thought everything was just a dream?” He teasingly asked.

“Hey!” I protested.

 “Hey!” He laughed again. “Why would you thought it was just a dream?” He continued to ask.

“Stop it Jac. This is not funny at all. You’re making me so uncomfortable right now. Stop it, okay.” I said while taking a step forward and walk swiftly. I never thought that at this age I would experience that kind of embarrassment.

He followed quickly. Walking from behind, he was trying to catch me. He continued to tease me by asking questions like why would I thought last night was just a dream.

I guess he found a way to make the night so casual and romantic. We talk a lot—about our family. It’s the first time I heard his family story in full length. We even reach the closing time of the restaurant. I feel good about it hearing it from him personally. It’s just so good to know someone trusted you enough to share a piece of their life—something personal. And it’s also my first time sharing my story aside from my best friend Jessie. I felt relieved knowing that someone is willing to listen to your pain. It felt so good from within to know that there’s someone you could be honest with. Well, I know I have that in the character of my best friend. But this time around, having Jac makes my heart so happy. It seems like all the pain that happened in the past has finally make sense at all.

We were laughing relentlessly. We laugh even up to the little things. I never thought I could laugh like this. Even until we reach home, we couldn’t stop laughing while holding hands.

“George? Jac?” Then we saw Jessie standing from the other side. I suddenly release my hand from Jac.

“Oh! Hi!” I casually greeted. “You’re coming home late again. Are you very busy at work?” I asked her plainly and hugged her from the side while going inside the house.

“Why are you going home late? Did you go somewhere? With Jac?” She asked.

“Huh? No.” I quickly answered. “I visited a friend in the hospital. We had a small chit chat. But it turns out to be too long. I couldn’t get hold of the time. And the least I know, it was already getting late.

“Friend?” She seemed puzzled. “Who?”

“You don’t know her,” I answered quickly. I just met her through my part-time work in the flower shop.” I continued my explanation after seeing Jessie looking at Jac with her eyes asking him, “What about you?”

And since Jac couldn’t respond directly, I made up excuses. “And from my way home, I coincidentally met Jac. He went to buy something, right?” I looked at him telling him to agree with me. Luckily, he got my signal.

“Yes. I just went to buy some stuff.” Jac seems too stuttered with his words.

“What did you buy?” Jessie continued her interrogation. “You don’t have anything in your hands.”

“Hey!” I butt in. I know where this cross-examination will go. I know how persistent Jessie is. Her curiosity is no match with anyone. “Why are you so curious today? Let’s just give Jac some privacy, okay? You’re questioning him like he has done something wrong.”

“Of course not. I’m just asking him…” But before she could finish her sentence, I immediately grab her and went into our room. “Let’s go to bed now, okay? It’s already late. I really feel sleepy at all. Good night, Jac.”

Fortunately, Jessie stop. I can now breathe comfortably. It’s not like I wanted to hide it from her. But I don’t think, this is the right time to tell her about my relationship with Jac. Well, I know she would understand after giving her a thorough explanation. But not this time. It’s not the perfect timing. She had quite a lot on her palate for now especially after her mother died and she’s busy working so hard just to earn money for her daughter’s petition papers. I don’t want to add some spices to the drama. I know this is not forever though because eventually, I have to tell her about this.

After making sure, Jessie falls asleep. I secretly went outside the room and texted Jac to meet in the garden. I wanted to explain our situation clearly. Because if there’s someone whom I owe an explanation, it would be him. I know I was a bit rude in coming up with a decision right away without consulting anything to him.

I walked slowly and quietly. I can’t believe I was acting like a thief on the night.

“Is Jessie asleep, now?” He asked first.

“Yes,” I replied.

“Are you okay?” He asked worriedly upon seeing how gloomy I was.

I look at him before saying. “I’m sorry. We just started and yet we need to hide it. I’m really sorry, Jac.”

“It’s okay. I understand.” He agreed. “You don’t have to explain.” He added while hugging me.

His warmth from within gives me comfort. His embrace washes all the worries I had a while ago. Then I thought, how lucky I am to meet someone like him. I never thought he would be that understanding enough. I never expected that from him. None at all.

Days passed by and yet our set-up remains. We agreed to be extra careful especially in the house—especially when Jessie’s around. We had to secretly chat or message each other just to talk about what we wanted to say to each other. That’s why our phones are always with us even simply going to the restroom. Sometimes, I felt like Jessie smells something especially when I laugh or when Jac does every time we texted some funny jokes. During workdays, he always woke up early to prepare a simple yet tasty breakfast and constantly prepared lunch with a sweet note. To go together to work without giving Jessie any suspicions, Jac changed his schedule in his part-time work in cleaning a colleagues’ house to 9 am. By the way, Jac found a part-time job cleaning a house from a friend of my friend. He decided to find one after he was granted a temporary visa. I guess boredom hit him this time around. Meanwhile, he went outside the house ahead of me and will wait for me in the nearby park. After a few minutes, I will leave for work and meet him in the park. That’s the time we go to work together.  After work, I always see him waiting at me, smiling, and waving. I really enjoy those simple moments with him especially walking going home every night. Holding hands or sometimes he placed my hands on his pocket (jacket pocket). Now I know why a jacket for winter has a large pocket. Just kidding. The talking along the way. Small chit chats. A bunch of laughter.

Meanwhile, at work, I was very busy preparing the client proposal when my phone suddenly beeped. I got a call from someone. Someone, I momentarily forgot that existed between me and Jac. From the beginning, I know this day will come. Or even before I fall for Jac, I know that there’s a past behind those mysterious eyes him. I know he has a life he needs to go back to. I forgot for a while that Angela was part of that life. Yes, I met her. And to my surprise, we even became friends. Well, I guess so since she trusted me enough to share her life—her pain and the reason why she had to leave Jac in the past. At first, I was flustered with her reasons. I was angry at all. I mean who wouldn’t too. All I could hear was her unending excuses. I couldn’t understand her point because I always have this belief that the end does not justify the means. But as time pass by, I learn to realize that everyone has a reason for doing things. No one has the right to judge others just because their ways are different from us. Because when it comes to love, there is no right or wrong especially when you do things for the one you love. Through that meet-up with her, I fully understand how deep her love was for Jac.

It’s hard to admit it. But I was a bit jealous. I envy her love for Jac. And I know Jac feels the same way too. That’s why he looked for her everywhere. No matter how many years had passed, he loved her so much that it brought him to Austria. He left the life he had and sacrifice his promotion just to find her. And I could feel that every time, he told stories about her. The way he talked and even to his cries, I know Angela holds a large portion of his life. And she will always be. That’s probably one of the reasons why I hesitated to admit my feelings for him—why I was so scared. I was scared if I’m good enough to take over that place.

“Yes,” I answered. “Okay. See you.” I can’t believe I took that call from her. She wants to meet. I replied with a lot of hesitation on my face. But in the end, I couldn’t say no. I don’t know what’s happening to me, but every time Angela wanted to meet up, I couldn’t make up for any excuses. Then I realize, this is the best thing to do. I guess it’s the right time to tell Angela who I am—of who I am in the life of Jac. I know this shouldn’t be coming from me. But it’s not like I could tell this to Jac right away since I haven’t told him that I’m actually meeting Angela for quite some time now and we even became friends. It’s not like I don’t want to, but I guess I just lost my timing. Every time I decided to be honest about it, fate won’t agree at all.

Before going home from work, I message Jac that I have a previous engagement with a friend. I’ll be having dinner outside and probably coming home late. At first, I wanted to call him. But I didn’t because I know I wouldn’t be able to keep it from him—that the friend I’m actually meeting with is her ex-fiancée. Luckily, he didn’t call back and ask curiously.

While riding in a cab, I was thinking about what could be the reason Angela wanted to meet up since I hardly receive her messages these past few days. At first, it was a bit strange. But then I realize, maybe she was just busy with her life especially that her married life was on the rocks. I wanted to call her but I ended up dropping some messages to her instead.

“This is it, George,” I told myself before entering the restaurant she texted and wanted to meet. I was nervous and my hands are shaking. I hesitated in going in.  I breathe in and out. As I took a step, I collected all the courage I’ll be needed for tonight.

“Ms. Angela Brook’s reservation, please?” I told the waiter.

“Yes. This way, please.” The waiter replied as he guided me towards a closed room. I guess this must be so important that Angela made reservations in a VIP room. It looks like a closed-door meeting. 

She stood up as I entered the room. “I already order some food, I’m sorry.” She apologized. “But you can still add something you want. It’s on me.”

“It’s okay,” I said as I took the seat fronting her. “You must have something very important to say. You even booked a VIP room. This is quite expensive.”

“I’m sorry.” She apologized again. “I know you’re a very busy person. I’m really sorry, George. I just don’t have any friends to talk to.”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say sorry.” I said while holding her hand to comfort her. “Stop this drama, okay? Let’s eat first. I’m really hungry right now. I had a long day at work and I couldn’t eat any decent food at all.” I added while laughing a bit. I know that laugh was a bit absurd, but I just wanted to make our conversation light. Fortunately, those made her smile as well. I guess I needed those in order to boost my confidence to say what I wanted to say.

After eating half of the meal course, Angela started the conversation. I feel something heavy on her especially the way she started her words and the way her eyes looked.

“George?” She said. “I was planning to file a divorce.” Her last words caught me off guard. I never expected that from her because no matter how tough her married life was, I could feel she wanted it to work. Well, I know the last fight they had was really huge since it was the first time her husband slapped her on the face and I ended up in the hospital after being nosy about other’s life. But I know they already had reconciled and apologize to each other. I don’t know exactly what is happening between her and her husband especially at home. But I know she was trying hard to make her married life okay. She really did.

“What?” I shockingly asked. “Why? The last time you told me, you said you’ll make it work. I mean both of you wanted it to work, right?”

“Yes.” She nodded. “But these past few days, I feel like everything’s not working out for the best. I realize that the more we tried to make it work, the more we ended up hurting each other. I know it’s all my fault. I drag him into this mess. I thought I’ll be able to love him the way I loved Jac in the past. I thought I’ll be able to give back the love he’s been given to me all these years. I thought about coming here and living away from everyone else would help me learn to give our relationship a chance. But I was wrong, George. I was wrong from the very beginning.”

“But you said you will not give up. You said you will try and give it all just to make it work, right?” I confusingly added.

“I know.” She said. But these past few days, I made a lot of realizations. I realize how bad I was in leaving Jac on our supposed to be the wedding day. I realize how stupid I was in walking away just like that. I realize how devastated my life is because I hurt someone in the past deeply. And you know what even crazier, after I meet you, share with you my story and finally let go of all my pain inside, I realize I still love Jac. I still love him, George. I do. I really do. And I wanted a second chance with him. And I could only do that if I’m legally and totally free. That’s why I’m filing a divorce.”

“I still love Jac. I still love him.” Those words keep on repeating in my head even while riding on the bus. I was flustered the moment I heard it from her that I couldn’t remember exactly the following words she’s talking about. I even couldn’t give any response to it. I was shocked that my brain became numb. I don’t know how to react. I was too paralyzed to tell her who I am in Jac’s life. I feel like I lose all the confidence and courage I got before meeting with her. I’ve been thinking weird thoughts.

But while walking home, I saw Jac standing outside the house and holding his phone. He looks like he was texting someone. He’s been waiting for a reply and being impatient, he made a call. That’s when I know, he was texting me when I heard my phone beeps and saw his name. I suddenly cried. I don’t know why. But I couldn’t stop my tears from flowing. I suddenly felt emotional. I hate this feeling.

After wiping my tears away, I answered his call. “Oh!”

“Where are you?” He sweetly said.

Before talking, I covered my phone since my tears flow again like a river. I don’t want him to hear me clearing my voice. I know that would make him so curious. And the moment he feels something wrong, he won’t stop until he got the answer he wanted. And by then I wouldn’t be able to hide it from him.

“I’m coming home,” I said.

“Really?” He asked excitedly. “Where are you now? I couldn’t see you.” He was looking everywhere.

Without answering back, I run towards him and hugged him from the back. Then, my tears won’t stop. I cried a lot.

“Why?” He worriedly asked. He wanted to look at me, but I won’t let go from hugging him at the back. I hugged him tightly. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t know why I became so emotional the moment I saw him and it won’t subside the moment I hugged him. I couldn’t find any perfect reason to explain my actions. All I know is that I loved Jac. I loved him so much that I was scared of losing him.

I know for a fact that life is about taking risks, so as in love. Sometimes, the consequences are beyond we could imagine. It’s just too hard to carry. It’s just too painful to grasp everything at hand. I know I shouldn’t be surprised in experiencing that after-shock because before admitting my feelings to him, I know what I’ll be going through. I know what I’m entering with. But I don’t know why I have these thoughts—of asking myself if everything is worth it. Is that 1% worth the risk after all?