Almost Not Over You

CHAPTER 12: WHEN PAST MEETS THE PRESENT

There’s a common notion of people that says, you wouldn’t be the person you are today without having a certain past. Just like what makes a person human, it’s by having a shadow from behind. Whether it’s a good one or not, our past holds a bigger portion to who we are at present. Well, it’s because no matter how bad our past is, whether we like it or not, they contribute to what we’ve become. The choices we made and the path we take are all influenced by the pain and struggles we’ve overcome in the past. And just like any other human being, I had a past that I don’t want to go back to. Yes, it taught me to be a better person—to love myself even more and to discover that there’s more of me that I could offer to the world. But, it’s just too painful to even reminisce. Funny how it seems, but the moment you’re finally healed, the more it surpasses. And sometimes, it will shake your world unexpectedly. 

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Snow slowly falls. Winter has finally arrived. My most favorite season of the year after I decided to move here to Austria. I don’t have the most profound reason why I love it the most. But when I was young, I could remember my mom would always tell me that winter has a way of letting people be closer to each other. I actually couldn’t comprehend her reasoning. But as I grow older I realize that she has a point because winter came during the Christmas season where people gather together and celebrate the most joyous day of the year. Though living in the Philippines has not let me experience winter because we only have two seasons—the summer and the rainy season, but when we traveled to Canada during my Christmas break, I was able to experience getting closer to people I love literally. Because of the cold weather, we are gathered near the fireplace. Mamita would place the dining table in that area so that we could feel a little warm since it was snowing heavily outside. Eating. Chit-chats. Laughter. The house was filled with blissful moments. It was one of the happiest days of my life. It was and will always be.

Another reason was when I would choose to sit closer to the fire. Since it’s my first time abroad and couldn’t stand the cold weather, I could remember my mom would let me sit on her lap while she would enclose me with a thick blanket just like a mother kangaroo who would cover her baby. Since then, I grow to love winter the most. Even though my mom passed away, I still love it. I do. Even if she’s not physically present to enclose me with those thick blankets, I could feel she’s with me every time winter came. I could feel her warmth. I could feel she’s around hugging and comforting me especially at the time I needed her the most.

Even at this very moment, I know my mom was with me. Maybe that was the reason I fall to sleep last night. Despite not feeling good at all and seeing how many calls and messages I got from Jac, I saw myself waking up on the bed. It was a bed and breakfast lodge that I usually go to whenever I needed some space to breathe. It was like my third home away from home.

After that emotional and teary hug last night, I decided to walk away right after Jac has fallen asleep. It’s not actually a typical running away from home scene you’ve watched on a drama. Well, kind of though. It’s just that if I wouldn’t leave that night, I know I cannot keep it from him. I wouldn’t be able to hide those tears away.

I don’t know what’s happening to me but right after I heard Angela’s confession and saw Jac from a distance on my way home, I suddenly pity myself. I don’t know why, but I suddenly thought that if I’m not in the picture, they could be back in each other’s arms. I suddenly realize that their love is incomparable and irreplaceable. It was too deep. It was just a matter of misunderstanding. And for a brief moment, I became possessive on him. I became selfish.

That night was so stressful to bear. It seems like my heart will burst at any moment. And my tears keep on flowing even after I left. Even while lying on the bed, I just don’t feel good at all. I didn’t leave any notes nor any text neither to Jessie nor Jac. The memories keep on lingering in my head. The scene keeps on playing back and forth.

Meanwhile, to keep me preoccupied, I decided to take a walk in the nearby park. Since I really love flowers and ornamental plants, I decided to visit a flower farm located within the area. Flowers and plants have a way of helping me relax and rejuvenate especially during stressful moments in my life. They're like sponges that absorb all the negativity from me. And the place did not fail to amaze me. Roses of different colors, tulips, and many others were dancing like little fairies in the wind.

After walking for a bit, I sit on the grass as I witness the sunrise. I feel the rays of the sun as it hits my skin. Indeed, its warmth is very calming. I never thought that I’m actually missing this splendid phenomenon every day since I was busy living the city life. And because of this unexpected trip, I was able to enjoy the simple wonders of life.

“Ouch!” I strongly yelled as I feel something hits my head. It was very painful that it made me close my eyes. As I open it, I saw a soccer ball on my side. I feel disgusted that I wanted to throw the ball back to someone who hits me. I pick the ball and was about to take my vengeful revenge.

I take a closer look from every side to know who could be that stupid jerk. From a distance, I saw a man approaching. I couldn’t take a closer look since the rays of the sunshine brightly from his direction. As he draws closer, I feel like he’s someone I know.

“George?” He said with a smile on his face.

My whole body froze the moment I took a closer look at him. Even my mind stopped to process information. My senses failed to operate. It seems like my whole system was hacked by a virus. I couldn’t believe that he still has that effect on me. “Why George? Why? You’re okay now, right? You’ve finally moved on. Why are you still affected by his presence?” I told myself as I wiped my small flowing tears.

“Huh!” I breathe disgustingly. I quickly place the blanket and the food packs on my basket. I walked past him with the look of “who are you?”

When I reached my room, I’m still disgusted that I threw the basket I brought onto the couch. I couldn’t believe that of all the people I don’t want to meet, I’m actually seeing his face. I breathe in and out trying to calm myself as I was processing everything in my head. “It’s okay, George. It’s okay.” Words that I keep on repeating in my head.

I don’t know why I’m still affected by him. But as I was thinking, the past that I’m trying so hard to bury in the deepest portion of my heart suddenly surpasses just like how he surpasses in my life again.

 I met Liam Perez at work. He’s 4 years older than me. He was a 2nd-year Cardiac surgeon in the hospital that my family owns. He was tall, with a fair complexion and a manly feature. At first, his presence annoys me a lot. He was not a man of few words. He has a high level of confidence that he tends to be nosy on everyone’s business. He’s everywhere in the hospital. He all has the characteristics that I hate about. But because of that overconfidence, I got to meet him.

One day, he volunteered to be the visiting physician of one of our charity events in the province. Given his personality, I never expected that he would volunteer. I always have this first impression instinct on every person I met because I always thought that first impression last. Surprisingly, I never expected that it only needs a day to change that first impression of him. You just need to give him a chance—a chance to know him better. Because of that charity event, I was able to see a different side of him. I saw how he loved his job. I saw how passionate and dedicated he was. I saw my dad in him. Never in my imagination, that I’m slowly falling for him. But since I don’t want to be obvious about my feelings especially that we’re like enemy 101, I tried to avoid him. I did not accept all his volunteering works on every charity even I was present. I change my working schedule. I change my number as well as deactivated my social media accounts. Imagine how childish I was. But at that moment, I really don’t know what to do. The only thing I know is that I wanted to cut everything that connects the two of us.

But I guess, some feelings are just not meant to be kept. One morning, I unintentionally heard from the hospital staff that Liam was actually badly hurt from a car accident last night. From what they say, he was terribly hurt that he was in a coma. Hearing that news makes me so sad that I rashly went to his room. Seeing how all the machines were placed in the room just to support him, makes my heart in pain. I couldn’t stop myself from crying that I was saying words, I never thought I’ll be regretting later on. And yes, that day happens to be the most embarrassing day in my life. Because it was just a prank after all. He asked for his fellow doctors and nurses to make a fake accident scheme making him awfully ill. I punch him endless of what he did. But I’m caught up in between. I couldn’t hide my feelings anymore. And that started our new beginning as a couple.

It was my happiest for 3 years. Our similarities connected us, together. Our differences became our common ground. We meet in the middle. We became part of each other’s life. We celebrated every occasion together. Birthdays, family gatherings, anniversaries, and even a simple awarding ceremony, we were there for each other. And a large box that I had kept in my room is proof of how happy we were on those three long years. Pictures, stuff toys, flowers that I dried on a book, bags, dress, necklace, shoes, etc. But I guess just like every relationship, our 3 years weren’t always perfect. And the last year has been so tough. At first, I had hunches that something is definitely wrong. I cannot explain what it is, but I know something’s going on with him. We argue even on the smallest thing. We had to fight even on the useless matter. I didn’t deal much with our issues because I always have this thought that it’s normal to have a fight and to argue sometimes. So, I just let things go their way. But one day, when my birthday came, he didn’t call nor text me. I thought he was just busy with work. So, I let the day passed by. The next day I went to his condo. I wanted to surprise him. I wanted to celebrate my birthday with him even it was already a belated one. I brought the food and all the stuff I’ll be needing for the decoration. But before entering the living area, I was shocked to see 3-inch red heeled shoes. I know it wasn’t from his sister because she wouldn’t dare to wear those stuff. As I slowly took a step forward, I saw pieces of clothes scattered on the floor as well as on the couch. Empty bottles of beer on the center table. Everything was a mess as if there was a party last night. I picked the garbage and place it in a trash bag while picking up those clothes scattered. But what shook me is when I saw a woman who went out of his room barely naked and wearing Liam’s long sleeves on her top. I thought I came in in the wrong room. But when I saw Liam went out of his room wearing boxer shorts. A lot of weird things run into my head. Without any words, I quickly went outside. I never confronted him about why. I guess at that moment I just felt so embarrassed to ask him. I thought giving him a chance to explain would make me so pathetic because he knows how to make me accept his apologies. And that’s the only pride that’s left of me. And after that day, I decided to go away. At first, I don’t know where. But my feet have brought me into this beautiful place of Austria.

Never did I imagine that this place would eventually help me heal all the wounds in the past. I never thought I could laugh. I never expect I could smile again. I never believe that I would fall in love again.

“George, wait,” Liam exclaimed as he grabbed my hands. “I’m sorry.” He added with a look of someone so repentant.

I shrug my hands off him and stared with a look of “get off me”, “how dare you?” I quickly placed my bag inside the car and open the driving seat when he suddenly stopped me again.

“George, please.” He begged this time. “Just give me 10 minutes. I won’t bother you again.”

Apparently, I fall into his tricks again. After all, what I’ve been through, I can’t believe I give him a chance to talk. But a part of me tells that, I cannot say that I’m fully moved on from him if I’m not comfortable talking to him or merely just seeing his presence. Because whether I like it or not, he will always be part of my past. Plus, it’s not like I could avoid him for the rest of my life.

At first, I let him do all the talking. It’s not because I don’t have anything to say because honestly, since the day we broke up, I had a lot of questions I wanted to ask. Questions that I know will not end because no perfect answer can erase all the pain that I have felt since that day.

“I’m sorry.” He said with sadness in his tone. “I know it’s too late for this. But, I’m really sorry George. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry…”

But before he could continue, I immediately stood up. “You’re 10 minutes is up.” I strongly said while looking at my watch.

“George?” He continue even when I was taking steps away from him. “I miss you, George.” He shouted.

That made me stop for a while. But I told myself, it’s too late for that. “You should have said those words before. No matter how much I pushed you. No matter how much I hate you and said mean words, you should have begged for forgiveness. You should have not given up until I forgive you. There are a lot of things you should have done in the past. But in the end, you failed to do so. Why? Because you just don’t want to. You choose not to, Liam.” I breathe in a gasp. “And now you’re saying sorry. For what? For lying? For cheating? For hurting me? You thought that a simple sorry is enough to compensate for all the things you have done to me. Damn, Liam. Damn it.” I can’t believe it only takes a simple sorry to open the lock I’ve put into my heart all these years. I can’t believe it only took 10 minutes to let all my anger out.

“I know it’s not enough, George.” He explained with tears in his eyes. “Whether you will believe me or not, but I regretted everything that had happened on that day. I regretted being weak. I regretted giving up. But what I regretted the most is letting you go.”

“Enough, Liam.” I strongly uttered. “If you’re really sorry. If you’re really mean it, just go. Leave for good.” This time, I’m the one begging him.

I took large steps away from him and immediately drove the car. But you know what the funniest thing is, I couldn’t stop my tears from flowing. No matter how I wipe my tears and look up, it won’t stop. I don’t know why, but deep inside, my heart aches so much. It’s too painful to bear that it made me stop the car on the side of the road.

As I was crying, I suddenly remember Jac. The moment when I was crying like this and his words telling me, “It’s okay. Just cry it out loud. No one is around. No one’s going to judge you. No one’s going to ask you why. Neither would I. Just imagine, I was like the wind. I don’t exist. Just cry out everything that’s hurting you inside. It wouldn’t erase the fact that you were hurting. But, it will ease even a small portion of your pain. You don’t need to pretend if you’re not okay. So, just cry it out loud. Be carefree, George.” Recalling those words makes me cry a lot.

After crying and calming myself, I drove the car way home. I thought it’s time to go home. I don’t want to worry Jac anymore especially that I suddenly left home without leaving any note. Plus, I know how terrified Jessie will be. I had a lot of those mouthful experiences with her. And, I had a very long day. I just wanted to go home. I wanted to sleep in my bed and regain my energy. And I know I could only do that just by merely seeing the people I love.

I wanted to sneak in secretly. But I saw Jac walking relentlessly outside. The worries on his face tell me, he was actually waiting for me. I slowly walk towards him without any sound at all. I wanted to surprise him and hug him at the back. But it wasn’t my lucky day. He accidentally switched his position and saw me. Without any words, he hugged me tightly.

“Are you okay?” He worriedly asked. “Where did you go? You know how worried I was after not seeing you in your room. Plus, you haven’t told me the reason why you cried the other day. You just don’t know I terribly worried I was. I’ve been calling you and texting you, but you’re out of reach.”

It just feels so good to hear those words. It’s just so good to know that there’s actually someone apart from my best friend who would give such kind of wariness and care. I never imagine Jac will be that person. I mean of all the things we’ve been through, I never expected he will be a big part of my life—of my present.

“I’m sorry.” I apologized as I hug him tightly.

“It’s okay. You don’t need to explain.” He said while touching my hair.

“George? Jac?” We immediately push each other after hearing Jessie’s voice.

I didn’t expect that we’ll be caught on this very moment. I wasn’t prepared for this one. I know this day will come. But I didn’t think it will be this day. I haven’t still get over that unexpected confession from Angela, crying relentlessly with Jac and unexpected and emotional meet up with Liam. And now, I have to deal with keeping secrets from my best friend.

We were seating on the couch just like how criminals are being interrogated by cops. Jac and I were seated across each other while Jessie was seated on the other side. We were seating forming like a triangle. I was looking down as I don’t know what and how to explain what Jessie saw earlier. The three of us remain quiet for a couple of minutes.

“What was that, George?” Jessie angrily started the interrogation.

I couldn’t answer straight into her eyes because I know I was wrong in the first place. It was wrong of me to hide it from her—from my best friend whom I made a promise, to be honest to her no matter how hard it is. I couldn’t think of any words to justify my actions because that would sound like mere excuses. Nevertheless, I don’t want to add more drama to our situation. But the more I remain silent, the more Jessie will be angry.

“I’m sorry…” But before I could continue, Jac stopped me.

“George has nothing to do with this.” He uttered. “It’s all my fault. I’m sorry Jess for keeping this from you. We had no intention to hide it especially from you.”

“No. It’s my fault.” I said. “I’m the one who suggests we should date secretly. It was all my plan. Jac nothing to do with it.”

“Huh?” Jessie smirked. “Stop it both of you, okay? You just make it so obvious.” She added. “I’m not a wicked stepmother here, okay? I’m not forcing you to break up or something. Because if there’s one person who would want your happiness especially you George, that would be me. You know that, right?”

I nodded.

“You know why I’m acting like this because you make me look pathetic especially you, George. Of all the people, I never imagine you would this thing to me. I feel betrayed.” Jessie explained.

“I know.” I softly added. “I’m sorry.” I know it’s not enough knowing how Jessie always nagged me not to fall for Jac. I clearly know her reasons. I know where she’s coming from.

“Jac, will you please excuse us for a moment?” Jessie requested. “I just needed to talk to my best friend, personally. Just the two of us. Please?”

Jac agreed and went outside. At first, he doesn’t want to leave. He wanted to be a man enough to take responsibility. But I give him a look of assurance that it will be fine.

“George, I’m not mad because I don’t want you to be happy. I’m not angry either because I don’t want you to fall in love again. You know that, right?” Jessie clarified. “I’m just worried about you. This is not an easy path, George. It’s hard to love someone who’s not yet over with his past. It’s hard to fall for someone who’s not yet done loving his ex. It’s hard to compete with the past. You know what I’ll always tell you in times where you don’t know what to do, follow your mind, and not your heart. If you don’t want to get hurt again, don’t let your heart make the decision.”

“I know. But, I’m tired of following my mind more than my heart. I’m tired of living like I always walking on thin ice because I’m afraid to be hurt again. Following my mind is good, but it doesn’t mean I’ll be happy. I want to be happy, Jess. And if that would mean following my heart and choosing to love Jac, I’m willing to take that risk.” I expounded thoroughly.

Then my tears flow like a river after explaining my side. Jessie didn’t ask any more questions after hearing my explanation. Though it couldn’t justify what I did, I feel like it was enough to explain the reasons I had to take.

Mornings came the usual. We had breakfast together. But there was this certain awkwardness surrounding the three of us. No words were heard until Jessie blotted out something.

“I’m not giving you my blessing yet.” She started. “I’m keeping my eyes on you, especially on you, Jac. You know what I mean, right?”

Jac nodded. “Yes. I won’t disappoint you, Jess. I mean it.” He added happily.

“But don’t expect too much. I’m too hard to impress. I have high standards especially when it comes to George.” She proudly added.

Then we burst out into laughter. I didn’t expect we just needed those words to break the wall among us. I know it’s not going to be easy. From the first place, I know it will be super hard. I need to take care of my heart and not getting hurt because that would mean hurting the people around me. I know this is only the beginning. There are more issues to settle and more trials to come. But knowing that you have a great support system, makes you brave enough to face any battle in life.

But I never thought that I have to face another one immediately. After work, I was waiting for Jac to pick me up. A while ago, he texted me to wait for him since we’ll be having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As I was waiting for him, he texted me that he’ll be late for a couple of minutes since there was heavy traffic. Afterward, I was very glad to hear a car suddenly stopped outside the office. At first, I was shocked since his text just arrived a second that he’ll be late. But I guess, it was just a prank. I was very excited as I walk towards him. But my excitement suddenly dries up as I saw it wasn’t Jac. It was from Liam.

A lot of questions running into my head. “Why? What is he doing here? How come he knew where I was working? Did he run a background check on me? Or much worse, was he stalking on me?”

“Hi! He greeted.

I didn’t answer back instead I walk away from him. But he runs after me. I tried to double my steps. But he’s just so tall enough that caught me.

“George, please.” He begged in despair.

“What do you want from me?” I angrily uttered. “I already told you to leave me alone.”

“I’m not here to bring back the past, George because that would mean hurting you again. I’m not asking you to love me back either. Just let me love you. Just let me be. Huh?” He pleaded.

“George?” Then I heard Jac’s voiced.

He quickly walked closer. “Get off your hands on her.” He toughly uttered while holding my hands that Liam was grabbing. I never expected that look from him. It’s my first time seeing how angry he was even only through his words. I can feel he’s not just asking but threatening Liam to release my hands.