From the land of the crescent

I love my life. How someone should tell - It is hell of the ride. I love the time I can spend outside of this freaking place. Yeah, here I am. In front of this spectacular house with 6 floors, beautiful garden, magnificent terrace on the top and of course a "little" basketball court for our god Pete. But I am not a Pete, obviously. I am just THAT Bibiana. Black sheep, curse, and disgrace of this crazy family. I live here, with these people, which I should call my family. They are my blood - most of them, they should try to help me. Of course, the opposite is true. I am the bad one in their story of true. The girl with such a shame to come to this world and not to be a daughter of our great master Daniel Strausz, big bad wolf in the real estate. OH man, how should I want to call him daddy. Such a shame Bee, that was your idea, you could have avoided this if you don´t like him just like granny said.  She was always saying: "Annie don´t push so hard, I don´t think she loves you like you do. You will regret one day, that you started to call him dad. Darling, it isn't because of your father, you know he will just want you to be happy. But for your sake just try to do like it never happened. Take my word wolfie." But as usual our "I'll do everything my way" Bee didn´t listen to the only person ever loved me. "Grams c´mone she adores me, I can really feel that father-daughter bond which was taken from me when daddy dies. Butt Daniel is good, he really likes me. Grams please, let it go. I know what I am doing. I will finally have daddy like I always wanted." Here I am - the stupid little nothing, calling the worst person in this freaking planet "father". Grams was right. She was always right. So many times, she warned me, but I never listen. I will never forget those who didn´t call ambulance right in the time when she fell from those stairs. It was only person in this place which really loved me for who I am. She appreciates every piece of me. I miss her. Every day. I miss her so much. It was her who push me to try to learn Turkish. I always loved to read about Turkey. She knew it. I read every book which was translate to english. But it wasn´t enough. I always wanted more, to know them, the culture. Everything. And gramps knew how talented I was in learning languages. She was the only one who appreciate this talent of me. So, she bought me my first turkish dictionary. And here we are, learning turkish at the MESAAS - Department of Middle Eastern, South Asian, and African Studies. Thanks grams again, I would never have gotten the opportunity to do any of it if it weren't for you. You saved me from that house for most of the time.  But I can´t always avoid this place. Like today, like exactly right now. I am standing here, enjoying few last moments of freedom before I take a step to that whity-white perfect front doors of ours. Hm, not really mine like theirs. But you know. Jesus, if only I can just disappear and never come back. But that bastard will always find me. I am just glued to this place like their maid. So, bye sun, bye air, it is my time to go in. Try to learn with this little devil's spawn. Og I know what is coming, he has Spanish today, which is his the most unpopular class. He knows s**t of Spanish. God it is the one of the simplest languages ever. So here is scenario - I will come, he will run, even when is 14 he behaves like 4-year-old. That’s it. Hour of running, persuasion, begging, sits down for a moment, laughs at me and goes to play basketball. If I do it for him, I'll get a spanking. If Pete doesn't do it, I'll eat it too. And so, it is. My reality and hopeless situation. I have no choice. I completely exhausted all ideas on how to avoid this. But in vain. He knows it, he knows what awaits me and he does it on purpose. The king comes home, Pete will sit down, starts crying and seduces everything to me because I "refused" to study with him. There follows a dramatic arrival to my, uhm, room as they call it and I get spanked. God, please, I hope to it´ll be just bruises today. I can't come back to class with torn eyebrows. Zümrüt won't let me go home again. She’ll want me to report them. But what should I do? Where would I go. Sure, thanks to the professor, I made a lot of money to live and saved something, but is that enough for at least acceptable living in New York? Hardly. I can only hope that today it will be maximally ribs and Zümrüt will not see how I ended up. Today, his company's shares fell, and this is no longer a good sign. Thanks to the bullet of one of his minions last month, it's getting worse every day and he's angrier and angrier and his wounds a lot harder. Yeah, it's been a tough month, this one is probably the worst ever. But I am still standing and yeah, still naively hoping to be safe. From no one cause if it is not obvious to you. I can't come out and that means no social life, no relationships, including boys - of course. I am just pity little 20-year virgin with no friends and no life expect college. I don't want to cry again. Gosh. I need to go in finally. This nightmare doesn't end when I will stand here and staring for that house. Take a deep breath. It will be fine, today is different. I grab the handle and open it.  But not as much. No, not different at all. Does he really just throw all king's clothes out of the walk-in closet to the hall? I will kill him. I will kill that little sneaky bastard. But right now, I need to take it back. Immediately. I was standing in front of house for so long that I didn't even realize they will be back in two hours. God Bibs what did you think. That somebody will just save you from your miserable life because you staring at perfect house with keys in your hands? Poor little girl. You are so naive. And right now, you have full hands of work. Because you obviously thought you don't have enough work yet. He got you, again. Freaking lunatic. I have that little piece of sh.. Girl, you don't have time for this. You know what will come if they see this. Their perfect little prince would never done that. He wouldn't even step to their bedroom. Never. It will be on you. Again. So shut up and move your ass. Because it looks like you need to steam them again. Thank you little şerefsiz. After I ended up with the closet. I am going to catch that sociopath. Girl. Have a manner. Okay, I will catch that little creature calling me sisi when they're looking with their despite. "Peter come on it is just Spanish. I will tell you right answers, just please, come down and write it by your handwrite. Please." I can hear just his laugh. "Are you done with closet little monster? Are you ready for your punishment for my undone homework? I prepared perfect performance for this afternoon. Have you seen today's stocks? The king will not be happy, and even if I mention your reluctance to help me despite my pleas with Spanish, which you know so well. Today will be a perfect show. I can't wait to ask for your help again. 'Stop Daddy, stop it, it hurts, you're going to kill me.' He is not even your father you worthless. I wish it could just be avoided. But you can see, here is your dishes and exact 15 minutes for their arrival. Wish you good luck sisi, I am going to play a little game upstairs." And with a loud laugh and spiteful smile he is running upstairs to play basket. This little monster. If only I shouldn't feel the pain again...  I am done with last spoon when he came in. It's such a rush this time. No evil looks. Just loud crack of the front door and speed walk to the bedroom and I assume a closet. He runs out. First of all, I thought I gave some shirt on the wrong place, but it doesn't happen this time. He calls Peter and announces that he is not interested in any conflict tonight. He will fly to Seattle with mother in an hour and will try to solve the situation that arose due to the "incompetent nothing" from the company. His words, not mine. That means my only duty is to pack my mother's suitcase, as she is busy shopping quickly on 5th Avenue. How unexpected. The mother will never surprise me. Guarding the house is the task of Peter, as the man of the family and successor of the empire. The same Peter who ran around the table, an hour ago, just so he wouldn't have to do homework for school. I applaud. Your empire will have a very quick end thanks to this little bastard. Anyway, Peter is guarding the house, but of course I take care of the running. To explain, Peter gets a hot breakfast, a lunch of his choice if he doesn't want something from school supplies, and of course dinner at exactly the time our little prince chooses. No objections or resistance are tolerated. My school and work are not their priority, that is Peter's good looking, which I provide with clean and ironed clothes every day. You may be wondering why the man doesn't have people for this. The answer is quite simple - because he has a Bibian who has no choice but to obey his orders without objection. Plus, the scumbag doesn't have to pay me. "And one last thing, we will be back last Wednesday. No company allowed Bibiana, don't you even dare to take that muslim professor in here. I will find out immediately. It doesn't apply for you Petie, you can invite whoever you want. Just say her, she will prepare food and everything you want to. She will even clean after you, so don't be afraid to invite anybody my only one." Then he just turns around, take their bags, and leave as fast as he arrived. "You were saved this time, but I have better plans for you. Just wait until they arrive, little creature." I was really saved. God, thank you for this. I will have a week without all thar hell. Zümrüt will be so happy to see me healthy even when is Wednesday, this is usually the worst day, I mean for me, for her the next one when I show up beaten at school. I think Zümrüt can't stand it much longer. You know, she left Turkey because of her husband. She almost beaten her for death. After that accident she can't have a child which she wanted so much. She was broken for years, until she starts to work here on Columbia. She told me few times that this was her best moment ever. She found her life here. Even how much she loves Turkey and talking so much about it, I think she will never come back. Her husband is death few years, but I think she is still scared that everybody lied to her. No one from her Turkish friend or family doesn't know where she is or what she is doing. When Zümrüt came to this university, her only condition was, that she will never be seen on any photo, video, or anything like that. She was so much scared and still is that even her name or picture isn't on our website. All of professors from states would be honored to be mentioned like this, but she refuses everything like that. I mean, it can't be really hard for her to see me like that. But hello, this is my destiny until I somehow will find the way out by myself. I look like impossible to me. Look at me - I am getting money from translation but still must be full-time maid for that beast’s "home". I don't know how to do this. They will never allow me to leave and have a nice life without them. My parents only wish is to see me suffer for the rest of my life. I heard it so many times, that I have no more illusion about some good, pretty life, with kind husband and my own kids. I am lost in my mind for one more time today. But it is so freshy to breath some air and not wait from where and for what another slap will come. I am so messed up. I know I said I love my life, but it is always like this. I wake up, get few comments about my hellish existential. After that I prepare some breakfast for whole squad of asses and after no eat - because I am not allowed to eat their food when I live here and work outside. They give me roof over my head. Like it is not enough, how king and queen always say. I am not blaming anybody, I used to live like that. I can't even imagine living another way. I don’t know how it looks like. And this time - I hate my life, always and forever. But after this breakfast I am going to school, even when my classes are later, I am working on my translations. And in that time, I am starting to love my life again. In these moments I live like I wish for. Free. With the things that fills me. Most of the time - expect my classes - I am in the library. I damn love this place. This silent room just full of books which waiting to be read. I wish I would be allowed to have even bookshelf home. But my "room" is just a little space for maids. I have there just small single bed which I can almost not fit. But better than sleeping on the ground. It's quite different from the whole floor with the basketball court that Peter has. And I'm not talking about his bed, of course the size of a California king. Because that's exactly what a 14-year-old boy needs. Peter would say: "What do you expect, you awful beast, you are not our blood." God, if only dad would be alive. I hope he can't see what my evil mother done with all his money he was working so hard for. He would die again if he saw me like that. I am sure about that. Even gramps couldn't look the state of mane. But after her death it became even worse. There were no one who would protecting me. And that is exactly the kind of thing they always wanted. Me to serve them with no one to save me from this. Dad, grams, I am still hoping you both have a peace and can't see me like that. And if you see me, please be patient, and believe in me. I can survive and I will save myself from this hell. I swear to you. Really. I am not that fragile. You can see that when they hit me. I am the one who is healing so fast. Even faster than him, I love how he hurts his hands when he punches me in the face and my bruise are gone much faster than that on his hands twice as bigger than mine. I don't have almost any scratch, even when he pushes me throw that window in the hall. Any marks from the glass doesn't even stay on my skin. So be good, I will sort things out. I don't know when or why, but I definitely will.  It brings me nutts to always be the unwanted one in this family. Why the hell I deserved all of this. I didn’t do anything to anyone, like ever. I am the good girl from neighborhood. The one who always helps when someone is needed. Like – our neighbor Ms. Kaya – she lives few houses away. She is an old lady with her attitude, but I really like her. I think she has no one. I always helping her with grocery, open her door and bring it to her stunning kitchen. She is a Turkish. She borrows to me her favorite books which is almost impossible to find here. She though me how to correctly spell their words. And with my grams she was my biggest fan when I decided to go to college and learn Turkish. Thanks to her I am one of the best of our class. She doesn’t really speak about her family. And so, as not to upset her, I never even asked her. It is none of my business even if I am really curious. She hardly talks about herself. Except that I know she comes from the magical and noble Mardin, one of the oldest and most wonderful parts of Turkey. She is very mysterious, very superstitious, as is known about Turks. In front of the entrance hangs the nazar - the evil eye - which is one of their most precious amulets. It protects a person from being jinx. He never leaves without a tespih, which is very similar from a Christian rosary. She teaches me to respect the elderly, as is customary in their country. I always kiss her hands, because after all these years it is something automatic for me to show her the incredible respect that I have for her after the time. I really appreciate her. After my grandmother left, I went to Ms. Kaya quite often to bow my head and cry. She always let me lie on her knees and she stroked my hair for hours just to calm me down. Sometimes she started singing, I learned so many folk songs that I could. Sometimes she told me stories and fables about wolves and the moon. It always calms me down and she knows it. I felt all the load falling off me, no more burdens on my heart. But only until one of them showed up and dragged me back to that hell. But today is a good day. No more black thoughts. I am going to clean, before that little demon starts making a mess just to do more work for me. And I probably don't have to mention that it is one of his greatest talents. I decided not to get nervous about it and just do it gradually. What he does before he goes to bed I clean up at night. anyway, I'm used to sleeping for only about 4 hours to catch everything they load, do my homework and go through the translations that await me. This will be nothing new and I will not let myself be decided and I will simply enjoy the only time of peace that awaits me in the last few years. I am determined to enjoy it to the last minute. After I’ve done with all the mess. I just finished Peter’s lunch which our prince chosen. Right now, I am ready for my bath with one of my favorite books. I chose Madonna in fur coat from Sabbahatin Ali. It is really one of my favorites. This is even translated to English, and it is one of the common Turkish books. It is classic Turkish poetry. I can’t wait to dive into the hot water and enjoy the peace when no one will disturb me. Since Peter has fallen asleep, I only have time for myself after such a time. No one will threaten me, no one will beat me. Now is the right time to bring a bottle of wine and secretly, although not necessarily secretly today, open and drink it. To give rest to my mind and body. But I wasn't prepared for a situation like this, where none of them is here. And to dare drink even a sip of wine from a king’s or queen’s, death would wait for me. Now really, they would probably really kill me. It doesn't matter, it's not the end of all days, and since they'll be gone for another six days, I have a lot of space to fix it tomorrow and exhale a little. I cannot wait. The next morning, I get up as always 5:30am. I prepare things for school and breakfast for Peter. I comb, wash my face, brush my teeth, and put on my running clothes. This time I don't have to sneak out of the house so no one can see me, but I can afford the luxury of going through the front entrance. I put on the air pods, store my cell phone in a case that I have attached to my hand. It's 6:20am and at sunrise I'm slowly running towards Central Park. Our house, mansion, call it whatever you like, is on the Upper East Side. Dad bought it so we could walk around Alice in Wonderland monument every day. Grams always said how much dad loved reading me Alice. That is why it has become an everyday tradition for me. From Alice I continue to Bethesda Fountain and directly to the Women's Rights Pioneers Monument. Then I just run my classic route, I don't always come back at the same time, it's simply depending on how much I need to release steam. But I'm taking my time today. First of all, I have nowhere to hurry, with thought that there is only that little scum waiting at home which, I am not afraid of. Especially when the parents aren't there and won't be home for a few more days. But the second reason is different, actually quite strange. It's as if someone has been breathing down by my neck since I ran out of the house. As if someone was watching me all the time. I haven't looked behind me all this time. But after a while, I realized it wasn't because of fear the stalker would see me, but quite the opposite. I kinda feel safe, as if someone was watching over me from a distance. Call me weird, but I'm quite flattered and I enjoy the feeling. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I'm just taking my time today. I will enjoy the feeling of protection and carefree for a few more minutes. That's why I decided to extend my route a bit for today. And yet I feel that strange, warm feeling somewhere inside me that soothes me. He didn't run anywhere. I wish I could look back, but the fear that the feeling would disappear when he saw me and ran away was stronger. That's why I let it be. I'll be the weirdo someone might be watching, and she doesn't mind. Yeah. I'm so desperate. In the end, I have no choice but to give it up, it's time to go home. I don't want to risk Peter telling this to parents. I don't want to end up completely grounded just before my birthday. Although the probability that I will be able to go somewhere is as great as the fact that the king will tell me that he loves me like his and bought me my own apartment where should I live alone. Which is a probability of exactly zero percent. And that’s why I speed up and run back home I run home back down East 74th Street. A few feet in front of the house, the suddenly familiar feeling of security leaves me, and I begin to feel alone and lost again. The moment I realize it. It scares me, a lot that I suddenly feel that way. Vulnerable. That's the word. Even though I always took care of myself, and it was never a problem at all. I've survived more than an ordinary person, a teenage girl, can even imagine. And yet, after one morning run, after a moment of feeling carefree and safe, I feel completely helpless in an instant. His aura left me. I don't even know why, but I'm pretty sure it was a man. It was as if something was whispering to me from the first moment. I know for sure. I wish it never ended. Call me naive, but this security is the only thing in life that I wish so badly, and I will probably never have. That's why I enjoyed every second of this morning. Maybe next time. I just hope to meet him again, either behind my back as a guardian angel or right in front of me. Completely lost in my thoughts, I open the door soullessly, in front of which, of course, the little beast is already staring at me. Without a single glance, I walk past him as if he's not there. I just suddenly feel completely deprived, as if some part of me is out there. Peter just says something under his nose, takes a lunch bag from the kitchen unit and goes to the morning basketball training. All I could see was an empty plate on the dining island, the breakfast was probably satisfying when he didn't need to comment on it. I walk up the stairs, but before I step on it, one thing stops me. I heard no crack of front door. Suddenly I pull myself out of my trance. I turn around and the bastard stands on the doorstep, tapping his feet and waiting. "Peter, you can’t be serious. Why you're still standing there, training starts in 15 minutes, and with this behavior you'll get to the traffic jam, and you'll be late. Go and finally call a cab." He glares at me and says, "Go, and stop my car immediately, it's your job, if I remember correctly." That's what he's doing ... "Peter, we really must do this even if parents aren't here, please go stop the taxi yourself. It'll take a second and the street is full of them." As always, he will not miss a chance… "Monster, come here immediately, call me the cab, or your mother and father in five minutes will know where you've been for over an hour this morning." I don't have the strength to answer him in any way. I know exactly where this conversation is going, and the only thing how this end is my punishment, postponed by just a few days. Unfortunately for me, the king never forgets. I watch the little spoiled brat leave in the cab I called him in ten seconds of his time. I can't understand where all the anger and resentment towards me comes from. For a moment, I feel that feeling of calm again, as if a feeling of security has enveloped me for a second. But this time I can't afford to pay more attention to it. I turn around and go back inside. I go straight to my staff bathroom, as usual, because I'm simply not allowed to enter the other 5 bathrooms. Even if they are not here, I will not allow myself to break any of their rules, exposing them to their anger has no value for bathing in a larger tub. As soon as I'm done with the morning hygiene, I dress in the prepared clothes, which I wisely prepared last night, and I go to catch a taxi. I usually walk a few blocks away from school to have time to buy some coffee and a quick breakfast at the nearest starbucks. They already know me and happily start preparing my usual order when I show up at the door. Today Travis has a shift. As always, he smiles kindly at me and write “Bee” with few hearts on my latte. I pay absolutely no attention to it. I take a cup, smile politely, and sip coffee while I am leaving out of the cafe. Today's journey stretches. My first lecture starts in an hour. I still have plenty of time, but due to my early delay, I am in front of the university building an hour later than usual for me. Zumrut will be scared, it's Thursday. I'm usually in the worst condition. She will think something has happened and alarm Mrs. Kaya. As always. I probably won't tell her what happened to me this morning. I'd seem crazy to her, and I don't want her to look at me with her emerald eyes. Before I enter the campus, for a short time, the pleasant feeling engulfs me again. But I don't give it any weight, because I'm probably really crazy. How anyone would find me right here.