THE KILLER WITHIN

No one believes me

Baba called a family meeting.

He said, "Due to recent events I know that you're broken Rahama and upset but that doesn't mean that you should vent your anger on your child. Kulthum isn't at fault in any way for what happened to Atinuke. It was a mistake and if God had wanted it would have been Kulthum dead and not Atinuke."

My mom immediately said,"Olorun Maje(Godforbid), it can't be Kulthum. Mallam please don't use my child to make comparison when it comes to death."

Baba and I were confused at that moment because what he said was harmless but Maami, my mom took it personal. But I don't blame a mother for wanting all the good things in life for her child.

My mom's statement triggered Mama and she said,"So Kulthum cannot be used as a comparison to Atinuke because Kulthum is more important? If not because of your daughter's carelessness would we have been having this conversation? You both disgust me. Like a mother , like a daughter."

That was the most Mama said since Atinuke's death. I didn't know how to stop both women from getting angrier and Baba was confused too.

All I could do at the heat of the moment was lie flat on the ground in front of Mama to beg for her forgiveness but she turned her face and spat and said, "Over my dead body will I forgive you. I have promised myself to keep cursing you until the day I die. Don't think that I have fallen for your false story of a drunk driver hitting my child. I know that you pushed her into the road to die."

"But why will I want to kill my sister? Mama please reason with me." I was really sad then and I wanted to just cry because the accusation was too heavy for me. But Baba came through for me by saying,

"Fear God wherever you are Rahama. Have you lost your faith in God? Have you forgotten that God gives and takes? Never have I seen Kulthum beat Atinuke or treat her badly, why then would she push her into the road to die?"

It was too late to change Mama's mind because she had already created the scenario in her mind. That day she looked like she was about to rip Baba's throat out.

"If God truly loved man the way you keep saying then he wouldn't have separated me from my daughter so keep your mouth shut Malam."

What she said was blasphemous but she didn't want to hear anymore about God.

My mother and stepmother and everyone used to call my father Malam because he was an Alfa: a learned Islamic scholar who helped  the community by teaching children Arabic and the Quran every Saturday and Sunday and he also used to lead prayers in the mosque.

My Maami was a very quiet person until pushed to the wall. That day wasn't a day she didn't feel like keeping quiet while Mama insulted Baba and accused me. But my mom made a very grave mistake. She stood up from the mat she was sitting on and walked up to Mama, and before we could all stop what was to happen my mom's hands were on Mama's face.

Mama being a fair woman had my mother's five fingers appear on her face immediately. That was the beginning of the end, for me and my parents. Because until the day Mama died she kept on repeating the day Maami slapped her.

The ground shook after the slap, Baba and I were left stunned even Mama was shocked to the core because she didn't expect my mother's action. I still wish that my mom didn't slap Mama and that Baba didn't follow my mom to the room after she slapped Mama. I still wish that he had followed Mama and consoled her instead, but the truth is we didn't know that my mom was pregnant.

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You can't understand how painful it is to lose someone until you actually lose someone you love. Whenever you hear of a demise you'd just feel bad for those who lost a loved one but you can never really understand why they grieve the way they do until you find yourself in their shoes.

I never really felt or understood the pain of other people's loss until Atinuke died. I'd console them, pet them but always thought that they were overreacting when they decided to cling to the memories of a dead person.

Losing a person is unlike losing your favorite purse or favorite animal. There's something really scary about knowing that this person once lived, spoke to you and dined with you on earth and that you can never see the person again. Also, you can never replace that person.

Also, only those in a polygamous home know what it's really like to have to share their father. Also, only wives who have co-wives know how it's to share a husband.

My mom was not a troublesome person, but there are times you find yourself fighting even when you don't intend to. But in my father's house my mom and Mama hardly fought, they hardly had issues like we see in other households. One thing is for sure though, that each woman loved her child dearly and would die for that child.

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Three weeks after Atinukes demise, Maami revealed to us that she was carrying a child, and that she was pregnant.

It was a sunny Sunday afternoon in Lagos. I remember the sound of the television as fuji house of commotion was being aired. I was reading for jamb as usual and Mama was in her room.

Maami told Baba first and his voice thanking God was the reason why Mama and I left our rooms. Mama and I arrived at the parlor at the same time and we met Baba hugging Maami tightly.

The site of my parents hugging was unusual because it was the first time I had seen my father hug my mother in my life. I know that it must have felt wrong to my stepmother; I would also feel jealous, watching my man hug another woman in my presence things like this make me wonder how a woman can survive with a man with many wives because I can't.

God sent us a blessing while we were still grieving over the loss of Atinuke; He had to put a smile on our faces. The coming of a new child gave us a glimpse of new days ahead. Days filled with joy.

As Maami rubbed her stomach she went close to Mama to put her hand on the stomach for blessing but Mama flinched. Baba was unaware of this, "We will name this child Atinuke if it's a girl." Baba said gleefully but he made a grave mistake.

"No one will name that child with my child's name."

Baba was out of words but Mama continued to talk, "Maami killed my child in order to get a child. It all makes sense now, because how can a woman who hasn't been able to conceive for so long conceive the moment my child dies."

We were all stunned now and Baba tried to talk to her but Maami told him to keep quiet.

I began to cry because it was too much pain to handle, how did my life turn from normal to abnormal in a blink of an eye?

Maami knew that Mama was a lost cause from that moment but Baba and I didn't give up, what she did to Maami afterward was unforgivable but it didn't stop there.

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We couldn't continue living our normal lives after all that was happening, Maami and Mama were at war because no one would talk to the other. Baba and I were lost and didn't know how to find ourselves and them too.

On a hot Tuesday at night, I was spreading the sheets on my bed when I heard the screams of my mother. I ran to her room as fast as my legs could carry me because my mother never screams.

There, in her room, I saw her on the floor. Her cloth drenched in blood. Blood streaming down from in-between her thighs. What had happened? I wondered. Why was blood coming from under her? I began to panic, unable to do anything other than to call my father.

Baba had gone out for a stroll so I ran to my room to get my Nokia 33310 when I bumped into my stepmother. She was awake and she couldn't offer help. But the matter at hand was more important than that so I ignored her and went to get my phone.

"Baba Maami is bleeding." I said, the moment he answered the call and before he could say anything I ended the call and ran back to my mother's room.

Maami was crying furiously when I got back to her room, she kept on saying "Rahama you have killed me, I don't deserve this." but my stepmother was not in the room so I wondered why Maami would call her name.

Baba arrived shortly and he helped carry Maami to his car. He asked me to call Mama if she wanted to go to the hospital with them but when I knocked on her door she ignored me, I turned the door knob and it was locked so I went back to Baba and told him that she was asleep.

The drive to the hospital was not long, when Baba parked he rushed out of the car to call the doctors and nurses shortly after, Baba returned with nurses and a carrier which carried Mama to the emergency ward.

Even though no one told me, I read the bad news from Baba's dejected face when he came out of the consulting room after he had seen the doctor. Even though he didn't tell me I knew that Mama had lost her child.

When Baba sat close to me I said to him, "Mama did this."

Baba was sad but when I said that he became angry and before I could open my eyes and close them I received a hot slap on my face.

"Never repeat this to me or your mother, understood?"

With my palm rubbing my cheek I nodded my head. But deep down in my heart I knew that a war had begun and that I would confront Mama.

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