Breathe My Angel

BMA Part 2 (Sneak Peak)

Hilary's POV

Growing up without a mother figure by your side is hard. Kita ko kung paano malungkot si dad tuwing gabi habang mag isang nakahiga sa dapat na kama nilang dalawa ni mom. He is not saying anything, but I know he is in pain even though it's been how many years already. Kaya ginagawa ko ang lahat para mapasaya si dad, kahit sa mga simpleng bagay lamang.

Dad knew mom was going to pass away after giving birth to me. He knows that mom has a heart failure. Alam niya pero nagbulag-bulagan siya sa katotohanang iyon. Umasa kasi siya na baka.....baka may milagrong mangyari at maligtas kami pareho, na hindi nga nangyari.

I could also remember how he suffered while he is studying in law school at the same time taking care of me. Tatlong taong gulang ako non nang makita ko si dad na nagpapakalunod sa bathtub. I was very young and innocent that I didn't know that right at that moment, I would have been an orphan right now kung hindi duamting si lola sa condo. Dad wanted to ease the pain he was feeling that resulted him to attempt suicide.

Naitaim sa isipan ko noon na.......he wanted to get rid of me and be with mom. That......he was okay...leaving me unattended.

Kaya nang magkamalay ako, ginawa ko ang lahat. I strive hard just to show him that I am worth living for. Na hindi na niya kakailanganin pa mag attempt ulit mag suicide, dahil nandito naman ako.....ang anak niya.

Nag pursigi ako mag aral. I graduated salutatorian back when I was in pre school at natatandaan ko noon na umiyak ako dahil hindi ako ang valedictorian. I was confident back then that I will becom a valedictorian, pero hindi pala. Feelingera lang pala ako. Dad was comforting me with words of affirmation, but that is not enough.

Kaya noong mag grade school ako, sinalihan ko halos lahat ng mga competition just to earn some awards and titles. This time, I graduated valedictorian. Hinakot ko ang mga awards noong grade school graduation, and I could see how proud my father was. 

Noong tumuntong ako ng high school, I was transferred to another school. Dito, dito ko talaga naranasan ang competition sa pagitan ng mga estudyante. Sa batch namin, apat ang graduate ng valedictorian from their previous schools. Apat kaming nag cocompete para sa valedictorian title on our graduation day. Third year high school ako, noong mapagsama-sama kaming apat sa iisang klase.

The three of them were very nice to me. In fact, they wanted me to be their friend para daw sabay kaming mag aaral parati. But duting that time, I don't see them as a friend.....I see them as a competitor.

Uhaw ako sa parangal na naging dahilan kung bakit outsider ako noong junior high school ako. I was bashed because they see me as someone na 'trying hard lang daw'.

Huli ko na napagtanto na high school life is supposed to be fun and building relationships. Wala ng gustong kumaibigan sa akin, hanggang sa mag senior year. I was an outcast, at hindi ko rin naman sila masisisi. 

Ewan ko ba kung ipapasalamat ko pa ba na grumaduate ako ng valedictorian noong high school. Grumaduate ng with flying honors, wala namang kaibigan.

Noong tumuntong ako ng college, heto na, dito ko sinabi sa sarili ko na, 'this time, it's different'. I tried to mingle, to socialize and to interract with my blockmates. Actually, journalism is kind of easy for me givem the fact that I was already gifted when it comes to creative writing and public speaking, kaya ang adjustments na ginawa ko ay napaka minimal lang.

I build a lot of friends during college life, pero hindi ko naranasan magkaroon ng love life. Maybe...maybe some tried to approach me, but I chose to reject them since I only have my eyes to a certain person.

Siya....siya talaga yung pumukaw sa mga mata ko simula freshman year, hanggang senior year. Blessing in desguise nga na magka year kami, kaya sabay kaming gagraduate. I'm from the College of Journalism while he's from the College of Film. Pareho kaming sa UP Diliman nag aaral.

Mr. Friendship nga ang tawag sa kanya, kasi halos lahat ng department ay may kaibigan siya. Pero hindi lahat kinakausap niya....tulad na lamang ako. Natapos ang buong College years ko ng hindi niya ako kinakausap. Although, pag nagkakasalubong kami sa campus, ay nagkakatitigan kami at nagngingitian, pero when it comes to communication......we have none.

Ni hindi nga niya inaaccept friend request ko sa sss niya. Sa IG at Twitter niya, naka follow lang ako, hindi man lang mag follow back. As in....wala! Walang communication. Walang pansinan. Parang hindi ako nag eexist sa mundo niya.

Ouch! Ang sakit ah.

But...... at some point it's also a good thing that we didn't have any interactions during my college years. Baka kasi madistract lang ako. Eh ako pa naman, yung attention span ko napakaikli! I really need to work hard on that part especially now that........

"Dad," I called his attention while we were eating breakfast one time.

"Hmm?" Umangat ang tingin niya sa akin mula sa pagkain niya.

I tapped my fingertips against the table. Paano ko ba sasabihin ito? Nag practice naman na ako at lahat ng sasabihin ko kay dad last night, pero heto ako, hindi makapag salita ni isang linya.

I gulped, "I-i just want to say....something.....important," dahan-dahan kong sabi.

He stared at me for a couple of seconds, parang kinikilatis muna ako, "Go straight to the point."

Ayan... Nakakatakot si dad pag ganyan eh. Ano ba kasing nagustuhan ni mommy kay daddy at ang seryoso, cold at suplado ng napili niya?

Hehe... joke only mommy! Baka multuhin mo ako. Peace po tayo.

"Uhm......I-I want to go to law school."

A moment of silence.

Naipikit ko ng mariin ang aking mga mata habang nanatili akong nakayuko. Ramdam ko ang titig ni dad sa akin kaya humihigpit ang hawak ko sa kutsara at tinidor ko.

"Have you taken your LSAT?"

A-ano?! 

Nag angat ako agad ng tingin kay dad, "W-what do you mean?"

Dad sighed before fixing his collar, "Before you go to law school, you need to take LSAT first," sumandal siya sa upuan niya, "you can't just go to any law school and enroll there, and you're done."

Ito naman si dad parang hindi ko naman po alam yun. Syempre, I already did some background research na po noh on how to go to law school.

"B-but.....you're allowing me?"

Dad looked at me in the eyes, "Bakit naman kita hindi papayagan, anak?"

"AHHHHHHHH!"

Tumayo ako sa inuupuan ko at tumatakbong lumapit kay dad at niyakap siya sa leeg, "Thank you dad!" I even kissed his left cheek.

"And about the LSAT.....I already took it beforehand," anunsyo ko at lumayo ng bahagya kay dad.

Dad tilt his head a bit to look at me, "How was it?"

Ngiting tagumpah naman ako, "I passed!"