In Love With My Boss

Nineteen

Another week later:

It is now Thursday night and as I get out of the bathroom, all ready to go to sleep, I simply state:

'Liss, this is so weird, you won't believe it.' things like these always get her attention so she stops from folding some of her clothes and gives me all of her attention. 'My period is like' I take another look at the calendar in the room, just to be sure. 'six days late. I have thought it would finally come, but I am starting to get worried. This hasn't happened to me ever since high school when I had to visit touchy mister Carter, that f*****g bastard. I guess that all this stress at work from these past weeks is totally affecting me. I am so tired of all the drama going around.' And I am aware that I am some kind responsible for some of it, but what can I do? I have made a decision and I am going to keep on to it. 'And I so need a break from all this s**t. I am going to ask Belikov for a holiday soon, that's for sure. A loooong one. And I am going to take you with me. Maybe we'll even get to visit my parents. They have been asking me a lot about this thing lately. I guess that they just miss me that much.' Even though I can't believe this thing myself. I thought that they were happy to get rid of me so that I wouldn't be making them any other problems.

As she takes the information in, Lissa's face suddenly turns white and her eyes widen. Okay, not really the reaction I expected. I was just talking about a missed period; what is that bad about it?

'Liss, I am not going to die. It's just a late period. I have already dealt with that on plenty of times, so don't worry.'

She gets up from her bed and comes my way, worry still filling her expression. 'Rose, I am going to ask you something, but please don't freak out.'

'Um, as much as you are freaking out right now? Ok, shoot. Ask me. I won't go nuts, I promise.'

'When you, um, you know, that night, with Dimitri, did you, um, use a condom?'

As the question leaves her lips, the words start ringing in my head. No, no. This cannot be possible. I know where this conversation is heading and I don't want to go that way. I cannot believe this. It is not happening to me. I start to cry long before I realize it and I shake my head no. What have I done?

About half an hour later, after Lissa managed to calm me down from the major panic attack I got, we ran to the first pharmacy we found open at that late hour and bought a pregnancy test.

Now, we are both into the little bathroom, me pacing left and right into the too insufficient space that is making me feel claustrophobic, and Lissa sitting on the edge of the bathtub, waiting for the result. And the waiting is doing me no good. I usually don't like waiting for things, but this time it is way worse. I am practically shaking. In fact, I haven't stopped shaking ever since I realized the s**t I have gotten myself into. I still cannot believe it. This cannot happen. Not to me, and not with him.

'Rose, calm down.' Lissa says taking me by my hand and stopping me into the middle of my round.

'No. I won't calm down until I see only a f*****g line on that stick! I can't Liss. I can't!'

'You know, there is a possibility that you are not pregnant, Rose. Plus, we should go see a doctor. It is a lot certain this way. These pregnancies test can give a false positive.' And I almost roll my eyes at her, but I stop myself just in time. I cannot take my anger on her. It is not her fault that I am that stupid.

'Liss, I really appreciate the fact that you are trying to reassure me, but let's face it. I had unprotected s*x with a potent, virile man, okay? And on my last check, I have no medical condition that prevents me from getting pregnant. And I am not taking the pill. I have to keep it real. There are a lot of chances' maybe all the chances in the world 'that I am pregnant. Let's just see what this goddamn test has to say.'

We waited for the five minutes. It is now time. I take the stick in my hand and look at it, not having the courage to turn it around.

'Do you want me to do it?'

'No, Liss. It's my mess. I'll deal with it.'

I take a deep breath in and turn the stick around. It shows two lines. Two pink, thick, clearly visible lines. My whole life is getting turned around by two f*****g lines.

'Liss, tomorrow we have to go to the doctor's office.' I say, my voice already cracking as hot tears start falling from my eyes. God, how could I be so f*****g careless?

She gasps. 'Oh, Rose, I'm sorry. We will find a way to get through this.' she says taking me into her embrace. And I start crying for goods, with sobs and the entire package. I am lost. I don't know what to do.

Some time later, I lay in bed, with Lissa sleeping next to me, as she didn't want to let me be alone in bed tonight. Unlike her, no matter how tired I feel, I can't sleep, as my mind wanders around. So I am making a plan for tomorrow.

First, I have to get to the doctor's office, to make sure that I really am pregnant. Even though it's pretty sure that I am. What chances do I have to have gotten a false positive? Like really, who am I kidding? I am just looking for some confirmation because I can't believe this really happened to me.

And I have to tell Dimitri all the truth, but I can't decide when. Now he really has to know everything, given the situation. How will he react is a whole other story I am not willing to imagine. Will he want to take care of this child with me? Will he think that I am lying to him? Will he dismiss me? Will he want me to take an abortion? I surely can't bring myself to get rid of this baby. I mean, it is growing inside me.

I spend some more time crying silently and caressing my belly. God, the realization that there is a baby growing in me is overwhelming.

Along the rest of the night, I make my mind. I am going to tell him first thing in the morning. He deserves to know. It's the right thing to do. We both have made this thing happen, no matter how wasted we were. We are both responsible. And we have to deal with this together, even if he wants to or not.

And maybe, just maybe, things are going to be alright.

I guess I finally fell asleep along the night as I wake up when the alarm rings. I turn it down fast enough not to wake Lissa up. I get out of the bed and do my morning routine, barely dragging myself around the apartment.

At my usual hour, I get out and head towards Belikov Enterprises, my heart clenching the whole way there. And I am constantly thinking of the best approach. How should I tell him? Should I start with that night or just tell him directly that I am pregnant? I don't know. I will just tell him the first thing that comes to my mind maybe and see how that goes.

I enter his office and wait for ten minutes for him to come. If I get out of here, I don't think that I'll ever have the courage to come back in and actually tell him. The whole time I wait, I just watch the city, leaning on the cold glass. It is so beautiful and the sight is calming me down a little.

Eventually, he comes in. I take a deep breath in and turn his way, but all my plans go to trash as I lay my eyes on him.

'Good morning, Miss Hathaway.'

'Good morning.' I mumble.

'Is there something wrong?' he immediately picks up on my state of spirit.

'I, um, I have to tell you something.'

'Fine. Say it.'

I nervously pass my hand through my hair, trying to find the proper words. Okay, no introduction then. Just tell him!

'I am p-' I start, but I begin to shake.

Pregnant! Say it.

His eyebrows knit. 'Rose, are you okay? You are very pale. Do you feel sick or something?'

He comes closer, puts his hands on my shoulders, drags me towards the bureau, and sits me on his chair. I close my eyes and take deep, fast breaths. This is way harder than I thought.

'I am pr-' I try to say again, but the words just stop in my throat. I cover my stomach with my hands and fist my palms, squeezing tight. f**k! I hate myself for each passing second that I am not telling him this. But I can't find it in me to get these words out my mouth. It's like if I say them out loud in front of him, all of this would become true. But he deserves to know my brain is yelling at me and I know that telling him is the right thing to do but I can't get my mouth to say not even this word. Pregnant. God, I am pregnant with his baby. I still can't make peace with this thought.

DPOV begins

There is something very wrong that is happening to her. I do not know what is it, but it is clearly not doing her any good. From the first second I have seen her I picked on to something. She is never like this. As she is sitting in front of me, she is shaking from all her joints, her eyes are wide open and I can see that she has been crying because her eyes are still red. She watches me like she is scared of me. Did I do something and I am not aware of it? I hope to God not. I have already messed up some things around and this will surely not help my cause.

But she told me that she has something to tell me and I am dying to know what it is. It seems to be important. But what is she so afraid of? Of my reaction?

As she is trying to speak, her voice sounds like she is on the verge of crying. I have never seen her scared like this. It kills me to see her like this. All I want to do is to take her into my embrace and tell her that no matter what is happening, everything will be alright, that I will take care of everything. I just want to comfort her, to keep her close to me, but I am afraid of how she is going to react to that. She seems way too scared of me and I am thinking that she would react badly if I would try something like this.

Instead, I resume to a little gesture that I hope would calm her down a little. I bend so that I get to her level. I move slowly and place my palms on her gripped fists, managing to unclench them and take her shaking hands into mine. She doesn't pull them away, thank God. I start walking my thumbs up and down her soft skin and the shaking diminishes. Good, she is getting a little calmer now. I speak to her into my softest voice, trying to understand what is wrong here.

DPOV ends

He is now squatting in front of me, holding my hands and looking me straight into my eyes. God, why does he have to be so human now? If he would only know what I am not telling him, I don't think he would be as nice to me. I surely don't think I deserve this treatment from him.

'Roza, what's wrong?' God, not that name again. Not now, not ever, please. 'Tell me.' Okay, now I really have to do it. It's now or never.

'I am pr-' the words just at the back of my teeth. No, I can't do this. I move my gaze up, avoiding his eyes and speak. 'I am pr-one to digestive infections. It is something that runs into my family. Even my grandparents have it. And I have been feeling sick for the last couple of days. And I can't eat anything. And I just puke everything I eat. I can't drink anything too. And my stomach hurts all day. And I wanted to ask for a free day today because I want to go to the doctor's office to see what is wrong with me because I can't seem to get rid of this thing.' I say very fast, the lies pouring out of my mouth like never before.

'And why do you look so frightened?' because I am afraid that you will see right through my lies.

'I don't know, I just panicked I guess.' I laugh-cry and wipe some of my tears away. I need to get back to normal right now.

'What, you thought I won't let you go? It is your health we are talking about. You can take off as many days as you need, Rose. I'll manage things on my own.'

I just begin to cry again. I am so weak. I couldn't find the strength to tell him. What the hell? I usually just let people know things, no matter what. Yeah Rose, but now things are different, aren't they?

He gets up and gets me a glass of water that I gulp mindlessly.

'Here, drink this and calm down, okay? Don't cry.' He gets the hair that has glued to my face out of the way and I tilt my head up to look at him. 'It's going to be alright. Would you want me to take you to the doctor's office?'

'No!' in a second I get my s**t together and get up. 'No, I'll get there myself. My friend will go with me. Thank you. I'll leave now. Have a good day.' I continue as I run my way out the door, not giving him the chance to say anything else.

I was so close. What would he have said when we would have gotten to the gynecologist?

But maybe like that he would have found out if not from me.

DPOV begins

I remain behind, looking stupidly as she leaves the office. I didn't even get the chance to say something else. Why do I have the impression that she is not telling me the truth? I will surely not let this thing pass. I will somehow get to the bottom of this. Maybe she did some wrong and is afraid of how I will react, but God, she should know that I could never get angry at her. I really would like her to stop believing that I am a bad man. But nothing I do lately seems to be able to change her opinion about me. And I am rapidly running out of ideas of how to get her to get close to me.

DPOV ends

I don't want to speak with anyone, so I try to take my mind of this entire thing going around. As I wait to get in at the doctor's office, I read over and over again a bunch of pamphlets about pregnancy. I don't remember almost anything from what I read, but one sentence stuck to my mind. ''Depending on where you are in your cycle, there is about a 20 percent chance of getting pregnant from i*********e without a condom.'' Yeah, this if I would ever get this lucky. But 80 percent is quite much, no?

I put the brochure down and look around the room, seeing a bunch of pregnant ladies along with their partners, waiting for a control and then, as my eyes wander some more, I lay my gaze on a woman, who must be almost ready to give birth because her belly is huge. I take a look at her hand and I don't see a wedding ring and she has come in here single. I know that there could be a possibility that her partner just couldn't come with her today, but still, I can't keep on not imagining myself in her position.

'Liss, I can't do this.' I say turning to her as I am constantly moving my feet up and down while I sit on the cold metal chair from the waiting room.

'Rose' she says as she takes my hand into hers 'I know that this must be difficult for you. Hell, I don't know what I would do in your position. But I'll never leave your side. I am here for you, no matter what.'

'Miss Rosemarie Hathaway!' the nurse calls.

Oh God, here we go. I get up and enter. I sit on a chair and talk to the doctor. After he explains me some things, he puts a tourniquet on my hand and takes some blood. Then, he tells me that the blood test will be ready in an hour.

We go outside and take a walk while we wait.

'Did you tell him?'

'What do you think? I couldn't. But if this test comes out positive, I have to tell him. I will find a way. I'll write him a f*****g letter or something. He deserves to know the truth, right? Even though he is a man that simply f***s everything that he lays his eyes on. You know, I was there, just under his nose. What could I expect? For him to become another person overnight and suddenly fall in love with me and want to have a family with me after he gets me knocked up while he is wasted on like two liters of vodka? God, I am so stupid. How could I be so f*****g careless?'

An hour later we are back into the doctor's office. I am waiting to hear five final words.

But instead, I hear six.

'What?'

'You are not pregnant, Miss Hathaway.'

I almost choke on air. 'Come again, please?'

'You just have a little infection in your organism. That messed up with your chemical balance and made the pregnancy test go positive.'

This moment is the first time since yesterday when I breathe without having something that presses on my chest.

'Oh, thank God. Thank you!'

I never thought that I'll ever live the day to get happy by hearing that I have an infection.

'Then why did my period not come?'

'There could be a lot of factors. Are you under stress lately?' oh, boy. You have no idea.

And I am definitely going to get on the pill. I can't risk getting into this situation again. I was so close to getting a heart attack when I saw those two f*****g lines.