Torn between the Devil and Angel.

Sight

Being carefree just had to be my middle name ,I kept staring at him and watching his every move. Nothing really mattered in that moment and when he lifted the hem of the white jersey he wore, to wipe his face and I saw the hair that was on his tummy, I knew Ihad to leave the court immediately before I do something really rash and embarrass myself.

I was actually thinking of going to hug him while he was balling and never letting go. Its surprising how much of an over thinker I am,yet very impulsive.

I have had my fair share of embarrassing moment and honestly didn't wanna add another to the list, no amount of embarrassment makes one immune to the mext, I recall few years back,when my teacher falsely accused me of cheating in a test in the preseIce of my juniors, according to him, I performed way too well and he knew I didn't have that capacity or was it that time,I tripped and fall off the stairs and had people ridicule me, that incidence earned me the nickname "clumsy Amy" or was it when I professed my love to my then crush and he told his friends and it spread round school like wildfire.

Every of those moments came with a whole different pain, I felt hurt every single time, if I will be honest, I think It kIpt getting worse every time, maybe cause I expected it to be better every time, but we don't always get what we want.

Instead of being impulsive and making a huge fool out of myself, I opted for the best option,i left the court.I had no where to go after accompanying Paige home and getting soda, so I decided to head back to the dorm. I made peace with myself, that fine ass

It hurts honestly, but I knew he could never be mine.Hence, I did myself a big favor by taking it for what it was and "calling a spade a spade", someone said " the best way to solve an issue, is not to avoid it but to face it head on and tackle it" and that's what I just did.

Now ,i just needed to focus on my test coming up next week, I felt very relaxed, I guess that was the point of it all, I will never tell Paige to her face.but then, I am really grateful it worked,I had very little faith in the success of it all truthfully.

I often wonder the basic concept of education, why do we seriously need to go through the stress of passing through college?Why do we have to write test and examinations?Basically why does school have to be so tedious?.

I honestly blame society, society says " one cannot become successful without a degree" I disagree so much with this one and many more others. I blame society a lot forgetting who makes it up ,unfortunately its me and you.

Its just so sad,that society puts a lot of pressure on the males to succeed and that society has certain standards by which it defines success by, In the society to which I find myself in, not being in college at 17, is a really shameful thing and you are termed a total failure.

Not having a boyfriend is something not to be heard off, you must be proud or ugly not to have one,the worst that could happen to one is not having a boyfriend and probably not being in college too, you will be ridiculed by your peers, parents and general public, you will be denied a lot of privileges because your classmates are in college and you are at home wasting away.

Not being married as a female at 25,is a huge atrocity, society thinks you probably rejected all your suitors when you were younger hence, now that you are slightly older ,nobody is interested anymore, they call them the "worn out ones", that didn't good use of their prime.

If you don't give birth in the first year of your marriage, you were w***e in your youth and your constant abortions, damaged your womb, no wonder ,you couldn't bea children anymore, forgetting that its two people that makes babies not one.

Society says if you are 25 as a man and you don't have a stable income, an apartment and car, you should probably just commit suicide cause you are totally worthless.

This thought pattern has been passed from generation to generations, its possibly never going to get better, cause it has been accepted as norms and deeply incubated into the mind of many .

My society mounts unnecessary pressure on a lot of people and you has no right whatsoever, to be depressed cause you will be called a weakling by this same socitey.

Its really difficult to get by daily ,with the pressure and strain, all of this assumption puts on ones mental health, but you are to always "dress up and show up", no one wants to know whether you feel like it or not , nobody really cares.

Dressing up is norms, but not dressing up is not acceptable at all, you have no right to act sad because everyone is going through something, maybe even worse and the person is here all bubbly and happy. You should do the same or even better,after all what are you possibly going through, that someelse hasn't gone through.

People constantly dying inside, smiling during the day and crying themselves to sleep, and drinking liquor and, inflicting pain on themselves, taking sleeping pills, just so they could numb the pain for a little while. Nobody sees and nobody really cares.

A society that frowns against sucide but blames the person for taking his life, says the person doesn't know the importance of life,constantly refer to them as "Zach that committed sucide"

An average person in my society thinks being vulnerable is for the weak and nobody wants to be termed as the "Weak", I can't say one gender has it hotter than the other, but the male gender probably feel thrice the pressure that the female gender feels.

But they constantly hide under the shadows of masculinity, breeding sons and fathers who think woman are only after money and once you give them "security ", you shouldn't connect with them emotionally cause of course,it will prove you as one of the weaklings and no man wants to termed that cause it hurts their "ego"

Hence they build up their walls so high, they formed a defense mechanism over the years and try to fill the void of the love they didn't get from home, with the excessive zeal to be rich and "hustling" as they like to call it, because you can get any woman, if you have money.

Asides security, a woman wants a man that connects with her emotionally she doesn't want a money bag, she wants her man but, since that's all he has to offer per that time ,she takes it and she termed a "gold digger", then you begin to hear phases like "men are scum", "women are scum" all of this boils down to society, but yet again society is me and you.

I picked up my books when I got to the dormitory to go to the library, I needed to study as I was totally blank, my first course was medical sociology, the course code was "ms103" , i heard several of my course mates, say the course was difficult and extremely bulky.

I have never really paid apt attention in class, it was either I was on grima or I was completely zoned out or I wasn't In attendance at all, anyways I didn't have any clue as to what the course was about and I had to do "crashing", crashing is a popular name for reading at the last minute is called in my institution

I finally got settled in at the library, brought out my books and started reading, funny enough, they were just exaggerating, iI was actually simple,and I was really comprehending.

I think I have a thing for history,I find it really fascinating, I got to know Doctor -patient relationship and my rights as a sick patient. I related it to my environment and discovered that the school clinic, operates a paternalistic type, where the doctor doesn't consider the opinion of the patient and administer treatment, it was a very retro and outdated style of doctor-patient relationship, i was so engrossed that I didn't know it was late and that I had been reading for over five hours, I decided to head back to the dormitory.

Front of my dormitory is probably the most busy place on campus especially at nights.Boys come at night to see their girlfriends, others come to hunt and some to buy the legendary barbecue sold just at the front of the hostel.

Most people are usually in pairs at night ,cuddling really close and just showing a whole lot of PDAs, which I honestly wished I thought was disgusting but sadly, I thought the exact opposite . I craved what those girls have, but above all ,I wanted it to be with someone I really like .

I go out some nights to see a lot of boys, am not in a relationship with, but at the end of the day, I have it at the back of my mind,that they are not mine. This days is just all too glaring, so I stopped seeing them, I kept making excuses, for everytime, they asked us to meet up, I think they got the message in the long run.

I went to get barbecue cause I felt hungry, then I saw him, my prince charming from earlier, the grace he commanded as he strolled towards where I was standing was all too appealiny.

I was too shell stroked by the way he looked and walked to notice where his hands were and when I did noticee, it was a kick to my gut ,his hands were on the shoulder of a girl, much more taller and much thicker than me and he held her like " this is my f*****g babe and I'm so proud to have her In my life".

I was so overwhelmed with emotion I had to leave, before the flood gates come pouring down.Like what was I expecting, I thought, for a second I was the only one with a good taste .

They say what you don't see,won't hurt you.I just saw this one and it hurts so badly, I ran into my dormitory and hugged my pillow a lot tighter than usual and cried myself to bed.I kept blaming myself for being so stupid and not considering the possibility that he might have a girlfriend .I was hungry and emotional drained,certainly not a good combination ,if you ask me.

I met my roommate on my bed and I shouted on her to get up from it, surprise was evident on her face but she got up cause she knew better than to spite me, than I already was. I cried a river that night, I picked up my phone and posted a few meme on Jiga.

I apologized to my roommate, she asked "who offended me ", I told her to not bother , she didn't push it and I was more than thankful about it all

My other roommate came back to the room and kept making noise, I pretended to be sleeping, so they won't talk to me but my bunkmate already, saw my last post on Jiga and so she knew I was awake, when she saw my face,she knew something was off but she acted like she didn't know.

She asked if I was sleepy and I said yes, she told me to change my cloth at least, I took off my jeans because I certainly didn't want to argue with her.