Torn between the Devil and Angel.

Courageous

Lying to oneself is probably the worst form of deceit, I guess I was fed up with telling myself, I was okay when in reality, I was miles away from it.

The power of sight is often underestimated, it's still a mystery how what one sees can hurt so much. No doubt, I possibly have first hand knowledge of the woes of sight. I mean I had experienced it several times.

Like that one time, I saw my ex-boyfriend with his supposed ex in his room, I mean it is not like I caught them doing the act or something. I decided to surprise him that day by coming an hour earlier than I said I was going to come but I ended up being the surprised one.

My overthinking brain couldn't just get past the fact that they had been alone in a room, it was little wonder he kept calling to find out my whereabouts, every five minutes. My brain put two and two together and that's certainly enough time for one round of s*x.

In the worst-case scenario, my normal reaction would be to throw a tantrum, probably get a little violent, okay more than a little, and just say stuff I would certainly regret later on and end up having to apologize for but I didn't. Instead, I was very calm and kept smiling at her.

I could see fear boldly written on his face. Apologizing after reacting terribly is not my favorite thing to do at all, as my older sister always says "why do something, you would have to apologize for later".

I kept smiling like it was totally fine to walk in on your boyfriend with a girl in his room, a girl you wish you knew nothing about but now know way too much about, a girl I knew was certainly trouble. She relaxed a little bit after I made her feel like I was totally okay with it, we even interacted and made silly jokes about him.

I left quite earlier than she did. Apparently she was way too dumb to understand she should have left or maybe I was the dumb one, maybe she wasn't his ex after all, maybe I was his ex to her.

Surprisingly ,the bad thing about bottling stuff up, is that it comes back to bite you real hard. You could keep lying to yourself and everyone around you but once there is a little trigger, it messes with you badly.

The worst part, is that it reminds you of the past hurts and wounds you waved off as nothing, that had to be the only justifiable explanation, as to why I was remembering stuffs that happened over two years back and crying over it. Seeing Marshall with holding that girl must have been my trigger.

No matter, how hard I tried, I just couldn't stop remembering how he placed his hands on her shoulder, like she was some priceless jewel or like a school boy, who got a new pencil and wanted to show it off to his friends, and make them envious .

I don't know what I found most painful, the fact th she was tall, curvy and could slay a bodycon effortlessly or perchance it was the way he held her, either ways I was furious.

I'm 5'3, petite is the nice word people use to describe short people, we get they are trying to not sound rude but it doesn't really change much, but then It doesn't stop me from wishing I were much taller and it was obvious he had a thing for tall girl, which disqualifies me even more and it was just all too sad.

There are stages to my grief, at first I don't feel anything, the next stage is self care and self pampering, I go all out for myself, I buy a new bag or a new shoe, eat at a restaurant, although I'm not that adventurous when it comes to food, I guess I'm not adventurous at all. I like my normal, you could call me a coward but it's my safe place and I don't like to comprise it. Anything outside this is toxic and I hate toxicity. It's funny how that is coming from me because I seem to thrive on toxicity.

The next stage is extreme anger, I become really pissed at everybody and anything, I want to be alone in the stage and I tend to esclate little matters, I find it really difficult to handle jokes at this point, because I would flare up no matter the intensity.

The next stage which is usually the last stage and the worst, is when the tears really flow and I begin to talk down on myself, I blame myself instead of the one who caused me hurt, I tell myself I am incapable of love and I was foolish for ever thinking I deserved love.

It's quite annoying, that grief decided to leave me feeling completely perplexed and confused. This time around for some strange reason, I skipped all the other stages and went straight to the last. Self care and distractions were out the window, this was me facing my issues when I was not quite prepared. Why was I crying so much?

I know I had been bottling stuff up but I didn't expect it to hit this hard, I'm literally scream crying, I feel like my heart is sore, like literally, it hurts way too much, like a wound that I couldnt see but didn't hurt any less.

The next morning ,I woke up with no zeal whatsoever to interact or do anything, I just wanted to lay all day in my bed and do nothing. Asides the fact I had dark circles and a chronic headache with a blocked nose to make me feel 10 times worse and remind of the previous night.

Admist how I felt, I knew I had to get my butt up and get productive, I had just a day to my test and the course might have been friendly but I was totally blank, after the emotional turmoil, I was left bare and dry.As much I wanted to pretend or act like it didn't happen, the constant pounding of my head with every little movement, kept acting as a reminder.

Besides that, I needed to do my laundry and get something to eat, I was totally famished, combining brain work and emotional stress needed a lot of energy and my body has probably used up all the food in my system.

Cooking is not one of my strength, I could say I hate it but my mother will probably hang me for it. A woman should love cooking because it will be her responsibility when she had a home. Low key,I missed eating good food, all I ever eat in the school is noodles, cereals and bread, cooking is a stressful activity in itself then combining this college stress. No I will humbly andl certainly pass.

Not feeling so giddy this morning, I managed to drag myself off the bed, I had to get up at some point,I guess. I decided to eat before doing the laundry, l made noodles and fried egg, I also made coffee cause I needed that caffeine boost.

I did my laundry, had my bath and off I went to class. Days strolled by really quickly ,I was so busy to remember all of my problems and it was such big flex to me. I kept reading and going for one test to another, I couldn't remember when last I had a proper meal, its being same old noodles and bread with a lot of soda, recently I addeded fries to this short list. My pocket has been filling the weight though, because fries was expensive around college, due to popular demand.

Basically, everything was expensive around college, there is a myth that the locals have here, they believe that College students are wealthy and they should probably collect all of our money, I wouldn't blame them though, this place is virtually isolated without Students.

It was the last day of my test and I told myself that I was going to cook a good meal today, most of my test are usually at morning, so I was going to the mall. I normally eat breakfast after the test and today was certainly not going to be an exception

I had my bath and headed towards the venue for my test, I have been looking really homeless this days, I had little or no time to really dress up, normally this should bother me but it certainly didn't.

There was a slight delay, few hours were dded to the test time, cause of technical issues and I was totally distraught, I honestly don't do very well with hunger and here I was famished. I didn't eat much last night cause, I was busy preparing for my test, spent the whole time in class and got back really tired.

While I was waiting outside, I met my friend, Frida Anderson, Frida makes it a point of duty to spoil me whenever we meet up and today wasn't an exception, the only issue was that she didn't have much cash at hand, cause we didn't have prior plans to meet. She told me I had to choose only one thing, I agreed and we went to the mall.

When we got to the mall, just at the entrance, I put on a puppy face and started making requests, I wanted her to get me both bread and soda and she kept refusing, I started making a scene and acting like I was whining, I wasn't discrete about it at all. She was about giving in, when he walked past me and our eyes met.

I swallowed really hard and averted my gaze, It was quite embarrassing that he saw me like that, I just flipped the switch and acted like I didn't have a care in the world, I pestered until Frida gave in and got me what I wanted.

After that ,I couldn't stop thinking about him, no matter how I tried, he was always on my mind. our mid semester was fast approaching and I was very much elated, I will get time to cool off, if its just for a week.

Its quite very funny, how the human needs are insatiable, just three days ago I was extremely fed up with college and was really looking forward to this break, but here I was, tired already and very bored to say the least. The most annoying thing about this break, was that I was less busy, yet very stressed, my mind was so occupied, thoughts of him and the possibility that girl might just be his friend kept up most nights.

My biggest flex is that I could get whatever information I wanted about anybody in the shortest period of time, I texted a friend of mine and asked him a few questions, I described him a little bit and found out his name was Marshall Mason and that was all the information I needed.

Let's say I stalked his Grima page, that night. As I was going through his page I saw a very catchy caption and mistakenly liked the photo. One of rules of stalking a person's socials is "don't like or comment on their post " I was in a dilemma, I kept cursing loudly.

Fuck it, I decided to like all of his post on Grima, he had about 10 posts, I even commented on one of postspost, I quickly tossed my phone and kept staring at the ceiling and imagining the worst scenario possible, till I slept off.

Woke up, the next morning, I guess I'm not the only one with the bad habit of picking up my phone immediately I open my eyes, I realized I had a notification on Grima.

I almost threw my phone away, when I saw what the notification said, he liked all of my posts, I stood up on my bed and began to dance and jump.

After the whole excitement rush, I started feeling risky, I wanted to message him and I did, I sent an "Hi"