Torn between the Devil and Angel.

Journal

Honestly, I couldn't be so sure. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have played with fire and hoped not to get burnt...

I agree, making that joke was rather insensitive but never did I think, the reply I was going to get was going to hurt so much.

If he asked her to be his girlfriend, it simply meant two things, which I hope wasn't the latter, it was either he learned a lesson or he didn't want me.

Truly, that's all I ever wanted, someone to want me and choose me.

Hell, I had my suspicions that his reason for not being official with me, was because he didn't want me but this just confirmed it.

Perchance, I repealed him with my constant need for affection, or was it the trust issues.

Greg used to have a lot of girls around that he claimed were just friends which I never quite believed and I made quite obvious.

Perhaps it was my constant availability, they say "distance makes the heart ponder", which I always doubted until this moment, I see a possibility.

I was broken but I couldn't cry. I wanted to relieve myself from the heaviness my heart felt, but I just didn't know any other means, asides from crying or talking to someone.

I was so lost in thoughts that I passed my room, it took me quite a while to register that I was in room 45 instead of room28. I turned back and proceeded to my room.

I hate being a burden to people but at this moment, I was desperate.

My best friend Jade was out of coverage, I have been trying to reach her for days now, all to no avail. Frida was probably sleeping because she kept complaining of how stressed she was earlier and I just couldn't bring myself to disrupt her sleep.

I considered the option of a journal but that wasn't a nice option, I had tried to keep a journal in the past, only to have my privacy invaded and all my secrets out in the open and riducled like it was normal and okay to do that.

I found it rather annoying and rude that people did that.

I used a search engine on my phone, "I searched how to keep a journal from being read by others?"

I discovered that there was an application, where you can protect your journal with a password, the name was journal.com, I downloaded it immediately.

I installed the application, fixed my password. I normally used a particular password, because I'm scared of forgetting it.

Anyone close to me could easily breach it, so instead I inverted the code.

My roommates were out when I got to the room. I sat on the ground with my head between my laps.

Someone said the best way to start a journal is to "dear journal", so I did that but I got stuck.

So many things to say, so many words to write but I didn't know where to start from. I was tired, tired of it all, so I titled the journal "tired.com"

Dear journal,

Title: Tired.com.

So, death is very unavoidable and it comes when you least expect it to.

These days, I have been way too conscious of death, I often wonder how losing a loved one will feel or my loved ones losing me but what I fear most is losing myself.

These days, nothing seems to make sense any longer, I'm bored and I honestly don't wanna do anything about it,

I know a whole lot of people, it is safe, to say you can count me as one of the popular guys. But then, I'm bored out of my witts.

Earlier, school was something to look forward to. But I'm in school and there doesn't seem to be anything to look forward to.

My eyes are tired but when I lay down my head to sleep, I just can't. I usually overwork myself, so I could doze off immediately I hit my bed, I just wanna avoid an alone time with my thoughts.

I don't want to have flings anymore, I don't wanna meet new people, I don't wanna watch movies. Could this be what depression feels like?, most times, I'm completely zoned out.

Irony of this whole s**t, I want a man honestly but I can't bring myself to have a man, I have big trust issues and honestly I'm not just being paranoid, nobody wants me, Greg didnt want me and neither does Marshall do.

I know deep down that Marshall will soon mess up, just like the rest did, I'm just waiting for the right time to confirm it. From my experience, it always comes and it always leave me bare and hurting.

A part of me keeps getting taken away all the f*****g time. Until right now, when I can't feel anything anymore.

I know I'm beautiful, that goes without saying, but they just seem to want something, I'm tired of offering. I want to love and be loved back unconditionally, be touched without any ulterior motive, be looked upon with so much admiration but I know deep down that it might never happen.

Dear journal, I'm broken but I doubt I can get fixed.

After I decided, I had beaten myself way too much, I dropped my phone and stood and began arranging my stuff. I organized my shoes and bags, just as I planned in my head several times during the holidays. Just as I was finishing up, my bunkmate came in. I have a deep sense of affection towards this girl, maybe because of her maturity despite the fact she was younger than I was or the fact that she could relate with a lot of issues. Either ways, she was my favourite roommate.

"Bunkie, what did you bring back for me? ", I acted dumb all of a sudden, of course I was playing with her. I bought chewing gum and chocolates from the mall for her but I wasn't going to let her on that so easily.

"All of a sudden, you became deaf right Amy", she stated and tried keeping a serious face, even though her voice earlier betrayed her as she was struggling to hold in her laughter.

I busted out laughing and hugged her, I told her how much I missed her and she said I was lying, I handed her what I got her and she was so happy.

The way I acted like I didn't write all those things in my diary or like I didn't have a care in the world was alarming.

All that pent up emotions, made me mentally and physically tired, so I laid on my bed. I remember gisting with my bunkmate, about how a classmate of hers committed sucide, she mentioned how happy and jovial the girl was.

Life is precious and I will never think sucidial, but it made me look on people with compassion. Sometimes, it's those with the brightest smile that have the most burdens.

The next day was Monday and classes were supposed to commence. I wasn't in the least excited about it all, my coursemates that I'm really close to, Hailey and Elena were not back from the holiday, and walking without my squad was just not something I will love to do.

I was gloomy and cranky and I just wanted to get more sleep, I had so many dark circles around my eyes. I couldn't get much sleep yesterday because I had a really scary dream, that kept me up all night.

In that dream, I was hurt and tired, I looked at my reflection in the mirror and I looked like a drug addict having withdrawal symptoms. My locs were scattered, trimmed, and dirty, I kept wondering I got to that point.

A voice told me to "end it" and just as I was about taking pills to do just that, I heard my phone ringing, it was my alarm, for 2 am. I was too bothered to wonder why my alarm was ringing at 2 am.

But overall, I was too frightened to go back to bed, what if this time around there was no stopping? What if I did end it. It was probably the conversation I had with my bunkmate the previous night that triggered it.

When it was 6 am, I stood up from my bed to go take and my bath, my bunkmate was up and we exchanged pleasantries, she tried to have a conversation with me but noticed I wasn't in the mood, so she let me be.

I hated how I just brushed her off and answered her coldly. But I think she understood, she knew how much I hated waking up early.

I went to the bathroom to have my bath. I was famished I had only cereals the night before and I didn't have any idea what I was going to eat.

There is a magic, hot water bath does, that's possibly why I wasn't feeling as cranky as I did when I went to the bathroom earlier.

My bunkie was busy making banana pancakes when I came back out, she asked if I was interested. I immediately said yes. I was quite sad she finished mixing the dough without me seeing the process.

I love pancakes, but making it is just a task I find too difficult. One might think it's just flour, eggs, sugar, and milk but it takes precision and measurements.

She offered to brew coffee for the both of us, coffee was such a good idea, as I still felt a little bit tired. I like my coffee black but not too black. Also,I don't take milk in my coffee, my bunkmate knows these details all too well, as she has brewed my coffee many times.

After I finished eating, I checked my phone and I was ten minutes, I already had my outfit planned out. I took my time as I was already late, I wore a beige shirt and a black jeans trousers which was about three sizes bigger than me, I wore a black slide and took my Fulton brown bag pack, which couldn't contain anything asides my phone, ID card and cash.

I have a thing for mini bags and the criteria for buying them was if my phone fit into it, asides from them being beautiful.

I made sure I went a lot earlier for my next Class, it was a chemistry class and the lecture came about fifteen minutes.

He apologized for coming late and that was the last thing I heard him say, although I was sitting in the front row. He kept talking like he was talking to someone close to him, which I found quite annoying.

I decided I had enough for the day and was not going to attend the remaining classes, I had two more classes for the day but I was officially done.

I saw some pretty terrible dressing when I was on my way back to the hostel and that managed to lighten up my day.

I often wonder whether people don't have roommates that caution them on their dressings, how could you walk around wearing that and be so comfortable in it.

A particular one got me shell shocked, she wore a petal patterned kimono and a stripped body con gown.. How can you do that?. I'm so against patterned on patterned.

I got to the gate of my hostel and realized that I forgot my ID card in the room, I could have sworn I put in my bag earlier. I knew better than to argue with the security, so I did the logical thing.

I apologized and told her that I forgot my ID card in the room, she was about to let me go when her colleague said she shouldn't let me through.

It seems me and that security lady had an unsettled beef in our previous lives.