Torn between the Devil and Angel.

Woes of knowledge.

"I'm sorry, I will have to let you go". Hearing those words out loud made me weak to the knees, he gave the usual excuse of it being him that had the issue, but we all knew that was garbage.

Grieve has different ways it hits, that simply explains why I was giggling so much though the situation wasn't funny at all. He was quite perplexed as to why I was laughing but he tried masking it well, he asked if we could remain friends, I told him how much of an impossible situation that was, but he was being persistent, so I agreed.

The next day I woke up in a rather unusual mood, I was feeling really happy. I wasn't grumpy and that was new, I picked up my phone and began surfing the Internet. As I was surfing the internet I came across a pretty pink airforce 4s, I immediately wanted it and I Internet. As I was surfing the internet I came across a pretty pink airforce 4s, I immediately wanted it and I ordered it.

I was craving something really sweet, so I went to a bakery just across the street to get my favorite cake flavor, after smiling cheerfully at the bakery clerk, I placed my order. I ordered a cheese nut cake which was really yummy because I ate while waiting to pay using my card.

The next day, I was extremely cranky, I woke up and saw a message from Greg, which further worsened my mood, he asked "how I was? " I mean how could I possibly be, I should possibly be jumping up and down cause I just won a lottery, you ruined my world, threw away months of being together like it was nothing, just two days ago and you deemed it fit to ask such insensitive question.

I was so consumed with rage, that I deleted his number and blocked him.

The next day was when the tears came and if I thought the anger was intense, I was wrong because this was way more than that. I guessed I had concealed way too many emotions and they had come back to get me.

I cried so much, memories kept replaying over and again. Questions like, "what if he didn't want me? "Did he love me as much as he claimed he did"? " What if I could never find love"? " as much as I want to blame him "what if this was me problem"?

For months, these questions kept going through my head, I struggled so much not to sink into depression. I took evenings walks, I danced every day, I challenged my pain into writing.

I thought the pain had gone, but here I was feeling it in the same intensity like it was just happening. I stood there, shell shocked it was like I was seeing a ghost.

I have this weird obsession with looking good when I see my ex, that has basically been my motivation to also look good whenever I am going out, no matter the distance. This strong desire to convince them that I'm doing so much better without them and maybe a part of me wanted them to regret they left me, always kept me on my toes. Never had I imagined that I will be seeing him looking like this.

I wasn't necessarily looking terrible, just that my aesthetics has changed ever since. While we were together, I used to really love tight clothing but right now, I couldn't stand clothes acting like a second skin.

Crop tops were his favorite clothing on me, I know this because his eyes will usually pop out whenever he saw me in them. He particularly loved one crop top of mine, it was short and body-hugging. He claimed he loved the color but I knew all too well, how much he hated green especially sage green. I wore it anytime I did something wrong and was unwilling to apologize.

But here I was standing, in black joggers and a black shirt, drenched and soaking wet. My hair was in a bonnet, which I had worn earlier because of the rain. I think I might be looking like the breakup was still having a toll on me. This wasn't how I had planned this meeting.

But I loved my outfit regardless but for a slight second, I wished I was in a tighter fit and wasn't soaking wet.

Asides from the fact that I don't feel comfortable in tight clothing anymore, I had also gotten much fatter, all but in the right places. My cheeks and belly were in a competition for which is bigger, while my ass and hips watched from miles away. No offense to Winnie the pooh, but people might think we are sisters whenever I wear a crop top.

I didn't know how to act honestly, when I realized I had been staring way too much for comfort, I did the first thing my brain ordered, I ran. I knew honestly that that was a d**k move but I was already inside my dormitory before I realized.

Throughout that day, I was gloomy. I kept replaying what happened earlier several times in my head and for every single time, I did something other than run. In one of the many scenarios I had painted in my head, there was a time I said hello and then the conversation didn't go all that bad.

The beeping of my phone saved me from my depressing thoughts, I kept beating up myself so much, I checked my phone and it was Frida, she needed help with her luggage and so I offered to help.

It was a beautiful reunion, I was so happy to see my baby girl again, one will think we haven't seen each other in months but it has only been a week. We got back to school although it was difficult locating a lotta. Surprisingly we were not stressed so, we decided to go grocery shopping at the mall. Frida had a long list of groceries to get, but we wasted over twenty-five minutes because Frida kept arguing about what oat was the best. When I realized she wasn't going to quit arguing with the mall staff, I decided to chip in and prioritize her choice that broke the horseback as the mall staff finally gave in. She was about to start arguing about milk but then I stopped it immediately, I complained of a headache and we were finally done from the mall and how much I craved the comfort of my bed.

Conveying the groceries to the dormitory wasn't an easy task at all, Lotta has been banned inside the college premises, so we had to lift all the heavy stuff from the college gate to the dormitory. We were so stressed that I forgot all about seeing Greg and all that was on my mind was my bed.

I woke up the next morning, feeling rather relaxed and well-rested than I was the previous night. I picked up my phone and saw a message notification from Marshall, the unconscious grin that was plastered on my face, just by seeing the message was way too wide and evident.

He asked, "how my journey was"? I explained the ordeal I had with the rain but excluded the part where I saw my ex. I have learned from experience not to tell your past all too quickly. He sent a sorry with a wink. He told me his plans for the day, He wanted to do his laundry and come ball later in the evening, he asked me of my plans and I had no other plans asides from settling in.

Frida wanted to make pancakes for breakfast and we needed eggs, I offered to get it from the store in the dorm, while she arranged the groceries we bought earlier. As I was going up the stairs with the eggs, I mistakenly slipped and fall. I hurt my butt, but my grip was hard on the egg so it didn't break.

I told Frida what had happened and she was sympathetic, after laughing of course. After breakfast, I did basically nothing, I replied some messages on Jiga, saw a movie, jumped around for awhile and before I knew it, it was night.

I was bored and I really wanted to see Marshall. So I texted him and he was online, I asked if he was in the college premises and luckily he was, I asked if he will like to meet up with me and his response completely shocked me.

"I can't actually meet up with you" he said, I was quite stunned by his response, but I tried against my better judgement not to think much into it, he was probably stressed and was rushing home.

Yeah, you are probably way too stressed, you should go home and rest, I tried reasoning.

"Honestly, I'm not all that stressed" was his reply, if he wasn't tired, then what was his reason for not wanting to see me, I know the answer to this question had to ability to hurt me but I asked regardless.

Why can't you see me then? "It is complicated" was his response, a thousand and one thought crossed my mind but I shut them all out, I really wanted to try make us work and overthinking has never done me any good. I asked him to explain because he wasn't being coherent and I was confused.

I was perplexed, if he wasn't stressed, then was it that he didn't want to see me, what was so complicated about seeing me, so I pestered one more, why was it complicated? I asked, he responded and I couldn't quite understand, he said he was trying to protect me.

He said he couldn't see me, because people will start talking about me and then they will say all manner of things about me that are not necessarily true.

It's quite sad how this could be coming from him, I know we had started talking but, was he ashamed of me? I don't believe his reason honestly, maybe it was himself he was trying to protect. I said okay and dropped my

I kept staring at the ceiling, I wasn't searching for anything in particular. But I kept looking up, I was so lost in thought, that I didn't even know Frida was talking to me. She wanted to know what we will have for dinner, I opted for cereal and she made it just the way I liked.

After eating, I decided I needed to go back to my dormitory, my roommates were back and how much I missed them. Just outside my dorm, I saw Greg being all cozy with a girl.

I had time to give him a look over, apparently all the workout paid off, I clearly remember how much he was obsessed with working out, as much as I hate to admit it he was looking much more hotter than before.

Curiosity got the better part of me and I decided to say hello, when he got my eye. I walked up to him, I said a high pitched hello with a fake smile to the girl he was all cozy with.

She naturally became my enemy, she was pretty not just as pretty as I was though, that was a huge consolation. He stood up to hug me and my heartbeat seized, if I thought he was hot minutes ago, he was certainly on fire right now.

I tried to hide the fact that he had an effect on me, but the smirk on his face was quite evident that he knew. I tried making a joke and that was my undoing.

I whispered in his ears and said I am sure you didn't ask her to be your girlfriend? He laughed and I was certain he didn't, but he answered how are you so certain?

There was a huge possibility he did ask her out and I know all too well what that meant. We exchanged goodbyes because it was insensitive to keep talking when he had company.