If I Hold On (Book 2 of If I Trilogy)

Kabanata 5.1

“You look handsome, anak.”

Pocholo pouted. Hindi mapakali ang sapatos niya at panay ang adjust niya sa uniporme. The white-collared short sleeves and navy blue khaki shorts of the school looked so good on him. Kung hindi ko lang alam na mag-iinarte siya sa akin ay hindi ko na tinigilan ang pagpisil-pisil sa kanya.

 “Smile, please, baby,” pilit ko sa kanya habang kinukuhanan siya ng mga larawan.

“Mommy, stop na po.”

Tumawa ako at pinagmasdan ang mga larawan. So handsome! Dali-dali kong s-in-end ang mga iyon kay Mommy, Daddy, Keiffer, at Brett. Pagkatapos ay lumapit ako sa kanya at nag-squat saka itinaas ang cell phone. Pocholo looked unhappy with the situation. Before the final shot, I kissed him on his cheek.

“You take care always,” I reminded him while fixing the straps of his bag. “Be friends with your classmates. Huwag ka ring magpasaway sa teacher niyo, okay?”

“If they’re not annoying.”

I smiled and kissed his forehead. Ang busangot niyang mukha ay umaliwalas. Ngumiti siya at niyakap ako nang mahigpit.

“Huwag ka po mag-worry, Mommy. I’ll be good,” paniniguro niya. “I’ll try to be good.”

“You should.” Pinisil ko ang kaliwang pisngi niya. “Bakit ang bilis mong lumaki . . .”

He giggled.

Oh, my sweetheart. Growing up is very difficult. You get to meet every good and bad. It will show you so many things to test the tenacity of your beliefs. It will even try to break you. Don’t get too excited about it, please. I still want you pure and innocent.

“Kayo na po ang bahala sa kanya. Pagpasensyahan niyo na po kung mag-ingay. He loves talking and sharing his thoughts,” panguna ko na sa teacher ni Pocholo.

She smiled. “Huwag po kayong mag-alala, Madam. We’ll take care of him.”

Ang sabi niya ay may field trip ang mga bata mamayang hapon sa isang museum. Kung ayaw naman daw ay hindi pipiliting sumama. Since I wanted my Pocholo to know more things about this country, pumayag na ako.

Bago ko lisanin ang klasrum, I glanced at Pocholo. Nakikipag-usap siya sa isang batang lalaki na mukhang tuwang-tuwa sa sinasabi niya. Then, he turned to me. He pointed me. Kaya nilingon ako ng kausap niya. I smiled at them and waved. They did the same.

“Bye, Mommy!” sigaw niya.

I laughed a bit and waved once more.

“I’ll fetch you by 5:00 p.m., then?”

Tonight was the grand alumni homecoming of my high school alma mater. To be honest, if it were not for Carmela, hindi ako pupunta. Bukod sa wala naman akong masyadong ka-close sa mga high school batchmate at alam kong magpapataasan lamang ng mga ihi, hindi pa ako handa.

There was also this big possibility that Iñaki would be there.

It should be fine with me. I had been anticipating the day of our first meeting for almost six long years. Pero ngayong kapalaran na nga ang kumikilos para roon, the emotions I buried a long time ago suddenly came back to life.

“Are you sure, ‘di ka busy?”

Brett chuckled from the other line. “I already told you, right? I’ll always have time for you and Pocholo. Even if I’m busy, if you two need me, to hell with everything.”

Ipinakisuyo ko ang pagsundo sa anak ko mamaya. Nasiraan ang sasakyan ko kaya bukas ay dadalhin ko pa sa talyer.

Ngumuso ako at ipinara ang taxi. “Ikaw bahala, ah. Ikaw . . . ‘pag inaway ako ng girlfriend mo, naku!”

Brett laughed heartily. Hindi ko napigilang ngumiti. I really was so lucky to have this guy.

Kailanman ay hindi niya ako iniwan. He had always been true to his words. Whenever I needed him, sabihin ko man o hindi, he was always there. He was that consistent and devoted to his promise.

“Good morning, Anaddy!” Wendy greeted me while stirring her cup of coffee.

“Good morning, Wendy.”

Hindi natapos ang pagbati roon. Sa bawat hakbang ay may ngumingiti at nangungumusta sa tulog ko na agad ko namang sinusuklian sabay sabing puyat din ako katulad nila.

The moment I put my bag on the table, the hustler in me took over. I would stop occasionally and stretch my arms. Kung hindi naman, sa ilang minutong pagtigil, I’d chit-chat with my officemates adjacent to my cubicle.

I was aiming to finish my tasks today and add some advance paperworks for tomorrow, if I could, since I needed to go out earlier than usual. Kaya nang ayain ako ng mga officemate ko para mag-lunch, I immediately turned down.

“Ay, may date ‘ata.” Sabay bungisngis ni Maita nang sabihin kong maaga akong mag-a-out.

Ngumiti na lamang ako at wala nang sinabi. Nang umalis sila ay ipinagpatuloy ko ang trabaho. It was interrupted when my phone rang. A smile automatically crept into my lips when I saw the caller.

“Mommy!” my son energetically greeted.

Ipinaikot ko ang swivel chair at tinalikuran ang desktop. “Yes, sweetheart? Kumusta? Do you have friends na?”

“Yes po.” I could almost see him smiling from ear to ear. “You saw my new friend po kanina. Si Johnson. My classmates are not annoying after all, Mommy!”

I chuckled. “I’m glad you’re enjoying, baby.”

“And I ate the gulay you cooked po for me!”

Ang balak na dire-diretsong pagtatrabaho ay naantala sa walang katapusang kuwento ng anak ko. Mula sa pinakamabait niyang kaklase hanggang sa pinaka-weird. From the moment their service started to be in motion to the time they arrived at the museum. Then, he started talking about the things used in the ancient time.

Kahit naantala ay ayos lang. His interruption would always be beautiful for me.

“Bye na po, Mommy. I’ll try to get more stars for you!”

My heart melted. “Oh, baby . . . Mommy loves you so much . . .”

He chuckled. “I love you, too, po! Bye!”

Ang daming nawala sa akin noon. A part of my history almost broke me. It crippled some limbs. I thought it was the darkest time of my life. I almost hated it.

But then, Pocholo came.

He was a product of my darkest time. He came to life when I was feeding in tears and heartbreaks.

Akala ko panghabambuhay kong gugustuhing ibaon sa limot ang mga naganap noong disiotso ako. But when Pocholo came into my life, I realized there was a peak of light. It wasn’t dark at all.

I was about to put my cell phone back inside my bag when I saw the invitation card for the event later.

Kagat ang labing muli kong binuksan iyon.

Malaki ang posibilidad na magkita kami ni Iñaki mamaya. Gusto ko rin naman iyon dahil pagkakataon ko na iyong makausap siya. But now that things were in my favor, biglang nabahag ang buntot ko.

It had been years. When I left, he was bleeding. I was holding the knife.

Was he okay now? I hoped so. Ilang taon na ang lumipas. Natanggap ko na ang mga bagay na dapat noon ko pa pilit niyakap.

“Mommy!”

Agad akong ngumiti.

Nang malapit na siya sa akin ay agad ko siyang binuhat at hinalikan nang matunog sa pisngi.

“How was the museum?” usisa ko agad habang buhat-buhat si Pocholo papunta kay Brett.

“Cool!” Then, he started blabbering the things he told me earlier.

My eyes went to Brett. He was leaning against the door of his car, arms crossed with a lopsided smile. I smiled and waved at him.

“Kanina pa kayo rito?” agad na tanong ko nang makalapit.

“Just some minutes before you showed up,” sagot niya at umayos sa pagkakatayo saka binalingan ang aming munting prinsipe. “Your Mommy is tired, Pocholo. At akala ko ba big boy ka na, eh ba’t nagpapakarga ka pa?”

It was a cue for Pocholo to prove him wrong. I laughed when he immediately tried to leave my arms. Nang malapit na siyang mapikon ay saka ko siya pinakawalan.

“I’m five, Dada!” He wailed. Kunot na ang kanyang noo at namumula ang mga pisngi. “I’m a big boy na kaya. And Mommy just carried me. I didn’t tell her to!”

“Fine, fine. Get in the car, big boy.”

Pocholo seemed pleased with the term Brett used to call him. Kaya walang pasubaling pumasok siya sa kotse na taas-noo.

Napatawa ako nang mahina.

“Thanks for fetching Pocholo, ah,” baling ko kay Brett.

He looked at me, creases on his forehead. “Cut it out, Anaddy.”

Ngumisi ako sa kanya saka pumasok na rin sa kanyang kotse.

He kind of disliked it whenever I’d thank him for things he was doing for us, especially when I’d thank him for doing something for my son. Aniya, kapag ginagawa ko iyon, pakiramdam niya ay isa siyang estranghero na sa bawat gawang mabuti, kailangang makarinig ng pasasalamat. And if fathering a child is not about blood and legitimation, according to him, Pocholo was his.

“Why did you give him a cell phone?”

Sinulyapan ko si Pocholo sa backseat na abala sa cell phone niya. “He needs it. Nag-aaral na siya. So that if he needs anything or something comes up—“

“Anaddy!” anas niya sa akin, kunot na kunot ang noo. “He’s just five! Would you want him to be like the other kids? Na halos cell phone na lang lagi ang hawak?”

“Calm down, Brett. Of course, I don’t want him to be like the others. Hindi ko naman hahayaan na lagi niyang hawak ‘yan.”

But Brett wasn’t satisfied with my response. Hinayaan ko na lang siyang magsalita nang magsalita. He had always been like that.

When we arrived home, sinalubong kami ng mga magulang ko at kapatid. They were staying the night. Sila ang magbabantay sa anak ko habang nasa event ako.

Hindi na ako nagulat sa mga dala-dala nila at sa walang humpay na pagrereklamo ni Mommy at panunuri sa bawat sulok ng condo unit. She would occasionally grimace. Lalo na kapag may napapasadahang alikabok ang kanyang hintuturo.

“You two need a maid,” Mommy concluded after subjecting everything in scrutiny. “And maybe a driver, too.”

“I hired one, Mommy. Magsisimula na bukas,” sabi ko habang pinapalamanan ang tinapay. “And I can drive now. We don’t need a chauffeur.”

“So you want your child to commute with a maid going home from school, Anaddy Mouera?”

Wala akong ibang nagawa kundi ang makinig at tanggapin na lang ang nais niya kinalaunan. So much for independence. A mother is mother. She’d always try to get involved.

Ganito rin kaya ako kay Pocholo pagdating ng panahon?

“We’ll give you one of the spare cars in the house. And don’t you protest!” banta niya sa akin. “This is for my grandchild. Not for you!”

“Yeah, right,” pagod kong sang-ayon.

Nang balikan namin ang sala, hindi na ako nagulat sa ginagawa ng mga lalaki. Keiffer and Pocholo were holding joysticks. Sa tabi nila sina Brett at Daddy na nagtsi-cheer para sa kanila.

“Is that your attire for later?” tanong ko kay Brett nang lumapit siya sa akin.

He combed his hair with his fingers. “Why? Do I look bad in this?”

I surveyed his entirety. His gray three-piece suit still looked so good on him.

Pero siyempre hindi ko sasabihin sa kanya.

Ginulo niya ang buhok ko. “I brought new clothes. It’s in my car. Don’t worry.”

I glared at him and tried to fix my hair. “Mag-aayos na ‘ko.”

Magandang ideya rin yata talaga na sasamahan ako ni Brett. If ever I’d get to meet Iñaki in the event, at least Brett was with me.

Napahawak ako sa dibdib. Kinakabahan talaga ako.

May mga bagay talaga na akala mo napaghandaan mo na. Sigurado ka nang kaya mong kontrolin. Pero kapag nangyari o mangyayari na, you go back to zero.

I decided to wear a navy blue pantsuit. The white sleeveless underneath the coat had low neckline. Just enough to show my décolletage and some flesh of my breasts. I complemented it with black stilletos and rhinestone clutch.

My hair was in loose curls. I went for a soft gold smokey look and accentuated my lips with a red matte lipstick.

Nang lumabas ako ay agad akong nilingon ni Mommy. Her eyes went wide and she raked my body. Tabingi akong ngumiti.

Okay. Do I look okay or . . .

“Mommy!”

That was when everyone looked at me. Ang ngisi ni Brett ay napalis nang lingunin ako. Napakunot-noo naman ang tatay ko pagkatapos ay iniwas ang tingin saka tumikhim. Keiffer raised a brow and smirked. Ngali-ngali kong hubarin ang kanang stilleto at ibato sa kanya! Keiffer always had his ways to annoy the hell out of me.

“Okay, guys. You can tell me now if I need to change or—“

“You look so pretty, Addy!” putol sa akin ni Mommy saka lumapit at muli akong tiningnan mula paa hanggang ulo. “Am I right, Cholo?”

Pocholo nodded enthusiastically and smiled at me. “Mommy is so pretty po.”

I suppressed a smile.

Brett cleared his throat. “Magbibihis muna ‘ko.”

Dala-dala ang kanyang pamalit ay tumungo siya sa bathroom. I immediately went to Pocholo. Abala siya sa kinakaing ice cream habang napapagitnaan nina Keiffer at Daddy.

“What’s with the clothes, Ate?” It was Keiffer with a mischievous grin. “May pasilip.”

Ngali-ngali kong ibato sa kanya ang hawak na kutsara. “You stop your mouth, Keiff. Hindi nga nagrereklamo si Daddy. And Mommy loves it. Kaya tigilan mo ‘ko.”

Daddy cleared his throat. “Don’t you have any better—“

“Shut up, Dante!” Mommy came to my rescue. “Ang ganda-ganda ng anak mo sa postura niya. And, my God. She’s twenty-three! You even encourage her to get a boyfriend. Tapos ngayon . . .”

“Wala naman akong sinabi, ah? And she doesn’t need to,” pinasadahan ni Daddy ng istriktong tingin ang aking suot. “wear such kind of clothes to get one. Her face is enough!”

In the end, of course, it was Mommy who won. Palagi naman.

“Mag-iingat kayo,” Daddy reminded.

I smiled at him and kissed his cheek. “Of course, Daddy. Mauna na po kami.”

I was about to turn around when he held my hand. With questioning eyes, I stared at him. His serious face told a thousand stories, but almost all were incomprehensible.

He heaved out a sigh and stared at me intensely. “He might be there.”

Suddenly, all at once, bumalik ang kaba ko na kanina ko pa pilit na iniignora.

I did my best to smile sweetly at him.

“No need to worry, Dad,” I told him softly. “I got this.”

Matapos magpaalam sa lahat ay nilisan na namin ang lugar.