We chose this life

Chapter 2 - Reconciliation

“It will pass, don’t worry. I know because I was also young once,” my mother tried her best to keep me in a good mood. I was thankful, yet I couldn’t feel even the slightest happiness.

“I know it will, mom. I am just not there yet,” I sobbed. I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket.

I am sorry for how I behaved. There is no excuse. Can we please talk? It was from Aaron’s phone number. He wants to talk. Now he wants to talk? Another pain in my heart, but I needed to end this. Whatever it was.

“He wants to meet and talk,” I said, still looking at my phone. My mother gave me a look. She disapproved, but she knew just like I did that a proper discussion had to take place. She kept silent while I was waiting to calm down, gather my thoughts and reply. The last time I saw him started flashing before my eyes, but I couldn’t get distracted. I needed to keep focused on replying neutrally. I didn’t want him to know how I really felt. I didn’t want him to know how hurt I was. Oh, who am I kidding? My eyes are so puffed from all the crying. I looked myself in the mirror, and I looked like s**t.

Thank you for contacting me. I believe we both need to talk, so I am fine with meeting you. There, neutral. I will leave it up to him to decide where and when. I didn’t want to rush into organizing anything myself. I’ll let him do everything this time.

How about this evening? I will come to pick you up. Does 8 pm sound good? He proposed. Where we will go didn’t matter, it was the discussion that was the most important thing.

Alright. Sounds good. I replied. My mother still didn’t approve of this, but she didn’t have a choice. I was the one in a relationship, or at least, I was. I was my story, and I had to deal with it.

“Don’t forget your place. I am positive you will know how to keep your dignity,” she reminded me.

“Yes, mom. Don’t worry,” I nodded. It has been days, maybe even two weeks since I haven’t seen him.

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He came by car at 8 pm precisely. He texted me to signal he is downstairs and is waiting for me. I felt happiness. Finally, but I had to keep calm and serene, for I was not ready to throw myself into his arms no matter how much I longed for his hug or kiss. It was stronger than me, but I had to control myself. He hurt me, in the end.

“Hi,” he said, half whispering, half saying it normally. Our gazes locked, and I felt tears forming in my eyes. No, Annie, don’t you dare cry now. I managed to control myself, and I finally opened my mouth.

“Hi. Let’s go,” I whispered. I passed next to him, pulled the door of the car and sat onto the passenger’s seat. I didn’t want to give him a chance even to try and hug me. I wasn’t even sure he wanted to. He sat in the car and gave me a look. I couldn’t bring myself to look him back. He turned the key, and off we went.

We were driving for quite some time. He had his eyes on the road, and I was looking through the window on my right. I knew where we were heading. We rarely went there, but whenever we felt the need to spend time isolated in nature, that was the destination. The Obstacle mountain. It was the ultimate destination of every young couple in desperate need for steamy s*x in their cars because it was not feasible at parents’ houses and apartments, and for those in, also, desperate need for reconciliation after relationship breaks. I knew he wanted to reconcile; I just didn’t know how he planned to do it. And if I was ready to accept any excuse he was about to say.

He parked the car next to an old oak tree. He slowly turned himself towards me and touched my hand with his big, warm fingers. I sighed and turned myself to face him. Our faces were inches apart, and I could feel his breath on me. His eyes gave away penitence when he saw my gaze. I didn’t know if it hurt him to see me like this. I couldn’t read any emotion coming from him. We stared at each other for some time before he finally gathered the courage to speak.

“Annie, I am sorry. I shouldn’t have acted that way. I didn’t like the way you questioned me, and I wasn’t ready to fight with you,” he took a deep breath. “Nothing happened between Melissa and me. You have to believe me.” Excuse me? You will have to do way better than this, I thought. So, he still denied the whole story.

“Can we please forget this whole thing and move on?” he asked. Move on? This was not how I imagined it happen. And then it hit me. This is how the end of our relationship starts. I had two choices. Either I end it right there, at that precise moment, or we continue for a few weeks, maybe months and when it suits me best, I end it. So why not end it now? It was so stupid, but I still had feelings for him. I still loved him. You can’t erase those feelings easily you’ve worked on and cherished for the past three years. I needed tenderness, love, those moments we used to spend together.

“OK,” I succumbed. “Let’s give it a try.”

He closed his eyes and leaned forward. He was an inch away from my lips. God, I wanted to kiss him so badly. I wanted to feel the warmth of his hands around my waist, his body close to mine. And so I kissed him. You can’t forget your first love, they say. And now I knew it was true.

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Few months passed, but our relationship was not what it used to be. The chasm between us was growing with each week since we reconciled. I acted as if I didn’t care. Maybe I truly didn’t, but I was not ready to break up. He seemed more and more distant, we stopped going out with friends, and when we were together, the only pleasure we had was pure, raw s*x. Maybe it was even selfish of me to use him like this, but in reality, this what I really needed. And then one day, while I was buttoning up my shirt after one such episode of raw s*x, he went downstairs to drink some water. As soon as he closed the door of his room, a small chime notification came from his computer. The screen was on, and I approached myself slowly to his desk. My eyes fell on a long conversation he had with Melissa. I sighed and started scrolling up, checking the dates of their secret conversations. I traced it back so far to realize this has been going on for more than I could suspect.

“How dare you?” I heard his voice behind me. My jaw clenched, and I turned myself to him. It was hard to tell who was more furious between the two of us. The tension in the room was building, and all I had on my mind was how I wanted to get out of that house and never turn back. The end, finally.

“This is the last time you’ll ever see...” I couldn’t finish my sentence. He was running towards me. I tried to dodge his attack, but he was quicker. His hands were already holding my neck, and with one swift move, he knocked me to the floor. I hit my head hard, and before I could even have time to defend myself, he was on top of me blocking my every move.