Secretly regretting

I start walking towards his car. Every step feel so heavy the same with my chest. As i open the car and seat at the passenger seat, quietly calming myself for a second and put my phone in the front stall. Then, i start the live on my social media. "hey guys" greeting the up coming viewers with a smile plastered on my lips. The first thing i notice on the comment section of my live was asking 'where is Mr. Wing?'. And expectedly other viewers start asking too. Letting out a little sigh so everyone won't notice it and put back on a smile. "So, hey everyone! My live today is ask me a question and I'll just answer it honestly but— i know you all are confused why's mr. Wing isn't here soooo I'll answer that lastly hehe" let out a giggles at my last sentence as i keep my posture and emotions calms. "alright! Hmm" I scroll through comment section, reading all their questions to pick one and answer it first. One question suddenly catch my attention. I bite my bottom lips and hold my breath and in a second i let out a chuckles. @apple_eye: so have you confess to mr. Wing already? ??? Confess huh..? One word, memories like a shuttered glass coming back that night. Memories of a bloody man in my arm as i hold him tightly in the middle of the board rode. Memories of a man's voice that i can't barely hear due to his lost of air at that moment. Memories of man saying he is sorry because he can't be sure if he'll stay by my side after that night. Memories of a man's face full of tears mix with blood but still smiling. Memories of a man, as he still wipe my tears saying 'stop crying, you're so ugly when you cry' even though he's in a situation of dying. The memories that i wish it was all just a nightmare, wishing I'll woke up already and be rest assured to see him early in the morning making breakfast for me. But no. I'm wide awake. Living in reality without him. As i snap out and face my phone scream, i didn't notice my comment section were all now asking concern questions. Hmm? What just happened? Did i doze out again? I thought then i felt cold in my cheeks and i just notice i was crying all this time. I chuckle at my stupidity and wipe my tears away. I stare at my phone screen as my face plastered on it. Stay calm, stay calm, smile, smile. But f**k no. Before i think about it, i start crying. I don't care anymore. I just want to let it all out. My fear, disappointment, sadness that day when leave's me suddenly. "I-I can't bare it any longer. I miss h-him so much!" i sob and sob in front of my viewers, screen crushing with lot of confuse people asking why? What happened? Wiping my tears even though it' still keep falling. I look at the other side if the seat where mr. Wing usually seat when we go to my live together. Imagining he' still there, teasing me so i reach to touch his face but then, he is not here anymore. "mr. Wing! Please come back, please I'm begging you. Please!" i cry still looking at the other side as if he was there listening to my whines. "w-why? Why is this happening? I-I still didn't confess b-but why are you leaving m-me already?" I bow down slightly and cover my face using my palms as i keep crying. Haaa! I must be crazy, many people is watching me right now. I bet if mr. Wing's here he'll tease me on how ugly and shameless i am. Crying in front of my viewers. That thought just making everything worst. After calming myself a little and a moment of silent. Not minding that I'm still live. I think I'll answer their questions now. "mr. Wing is.. Dead" Holding my breath before i speak again "i-it was a car accident" "i haven't even confess on him.. Haven't even said i l-like— no, i love him as Hue Xiaozu not because he's mr. Wing for me" holding a little as composing myself not to cry again. "if only i knew this would happened, i wouldn't care about our age gap anymore, i wouldn't mind what people says in our back. As long as.. He knows how much precious he is to me, how much i truly care for him and..." i bite my bottom lips for a second as i feel warm tears role down in my cheeks "and.. How much i love him at the very first day" "but now, it's all a waste. He's gone" i said with i horse voice. Here i go again. I burst in to tears again "what should i do? H-he's not coming back anymore" That night in my live. I let it all out. I regret everyday and missing him everyday.