I'm Real, I'm here

_Hard To Say Goodbye_

It's my day off and I am preparing my laundry and thinking of cleaning my room after when my phone rings. Yun'd been calling and I remembered that he'd be leaving today to go to his outreach project and for training as a neuro surgeon.

As I thought of what might happen in the next coming months my heart sunk with sadness immediately. I took my phone and answered it. "HI?", "Hey, what are you doing?" he asked " nothing! just the usual I am just cleaning the house and doing my laundry"... "oh.. OK!" he replied and immediately asked me "Do you want to go out for lunch today so that I can see you before I leave?", asking me OK the word "leaving"> Maybe he wanted me to feel sad about it. i said, "Yes! OK.". He said that hell pick me up at 11:30am and we would have lunch and he would go somewhere special for him.

The good thing about today is that I know that he'll leave and be away for a while and i know that reason why he'll need to leave and be away from me. I keep myself calm and accepted that he is doing this for his career. Yun is actually one of the best neuro surgeons in his field and the best in the hospital where he works as a resident. I also know that it will be just for a moment and once he is done, that he'll be back.

I finished my laundry early and just cleaned the house as well. While arranging the shelves, I saw the photos of us during our childhood, him watching at me while dancing with my friends at the little party we organised and photos of us outside their house. As I glanced at the photos, I saw that he was really cute even as a young boy. I also remember that as a young boy he was very generous and kind. He always helps people who will need help and he will help them in his own little way. I also remember him giving his food and money to the young boy on the street sleeping on the bench where we always sit. That is how he is. He has a good heart. He was a good boy with a kind heart, just what all the town's people call him. One time I saw him sitting on the bench. He was just alone and I sat beside him. I thought he was just thinking, but after I got nearer him, I saw the tears on his cheeks and wiped them immediately so he could avoid me seeing them. I also see the bruises on his elbow and cheeks. All the while, I thought that he had gotten into a fight with his classmates. I knew at that time that Yun was a good kid and he would never do anything to hurt anyone. I never had a chance to ask him what happened then. And I saw the book he gave me and the first letter I received from him. I wanted to read but my phone rang and it was Yun. He said he was outside waiting for me. I went down my apartment and went to the red car parked and waiting for me.

I was actually living in a one-bedroom rooftop apartment. What I liked about my apartment or my place is that I can always look at the sky and see that stars above me and it is overlooking the city of Ittaewon and it is beautiful to look at the city at night with it glowing lights on the rood and all the busy establishments. I can also accept my friends and stay outside. That is what we always do though.

We went to a cozy restaurant this time. That is where they serve steak the best. It is best known for its grilled steak in their area. We also had a little whine, but I discouraged him from drinking it since he would still be travelling. I was afraid that he might doze off on the plane. After eating, he told me that he still had 3-4 hours more before leaving and he wanted us to have a quality time together since we would be away for a longer time. We went to the Aquarium theme park and watched all the fishes above and beside us wanted from small to big fishes. " I remembered you once told me that you remember to go here .. since i was really busy at work we haven't had time to bring you here and be together. We were walking side by side holding each other's hands like we didn't want to let this end and him to leave. I discouraged the idea, so I just told him that "we will be seeing each other again and I promise that I will be waiting for you".. He smiled and embraced me tightly and held me on my head and then he suddenly kissed me on my lips, holding me on my chin. It was the saddest kiss I ever had with him and I can feel his sadness. I assured him that he wouldn't need to worry because, just like before, I would always wait for him and, if he wanted, I could come and visit him in Berlin on his training and I even told him that it was him who should worry because she was with Yumi. Though it was true, I did not need him to feel that I was worried myself that Yumi might take him away from me. I have known that Yumi liked him since we were young. She was his childhood friend and ever since then they have never parted as friends and Yumi always liked protecting and supporting him. I wonder what it really was, but I don't need to worry because I know that Yun loves me.

I told him to take care of himself always and just focus always on outreach and always his training. " I want you to remember that I love you so much and I always never want to always be apart from you and after that I want us to get married"....he said and added" Oh.. I was supposed to tell you that after I came back, but at least you already have an idea what will happen when I come back", "I will never let you be away from me again" and he smiled at me. It was a very sweet smile and you could really feel at that moment that he really only loved me.

Time passed by fast and it was almost 4pm. He told me to drop me off at my place, but I told him no, I could send him to the airport at least see him safe even before leaving. Goodbyes are the hardest part of a relationship. It is always hard to bid farewell to a person you love. I embraced him and kissed him on his forehead and told him one last time to take care and be careful and always call me or send me an email.. He nods and, at a distance, I can see Yumi waving at him and asking him to go there. He took his luggage and told me one last time to be careful and take of myself. I was crying and I was afraid that he might not come if he saw me crying, so I let go of his hand and told him to hold back my tears, and yes, I come, I would. He left and went in. After that, I went to his car and, as promised, I needed to use it everyday or I could leave it in the house if I decided not to.

But I felt like I was very tired at that time, so I decided to go back home. I called Cha to be with me and have a drink and she said she'd be there in 15 to 30 mins. Just in time because our dinner will be ready by that time. I prepared all the things we need on the table outside. At least on the first night he was not with me. I have Cha around to support me. Cha arrived and we started grilling the pork she brought. I told him that I was not hungry and I just had lunch with Yun before leaving. She insisted on me eating first before drinking our Meolkgi, so I just agreed to the idea.

"Why didn't you just tell him not to leave and stay instead" she said, and, after she continued, "There are a lot of training centers we have in Asia that he can go to or even here in Seoul. So why did you allow him and now you are doing this?". ... "Because I wanted him to pursue his dreams. Just like what he did and support me on my dreams and what I like" And I cried and tapped her on her shoulder " I am already missing him.... waaaaah!!! [ I am crying so loud this time]. "I know that I can already smell your longing for him ... and she laughed", cha added" Hey Yaah! you did agreed for him to go there , right?, I answered her "Yes!" and she ask again" And you agreed that he'll be far away from you for that long 6 months , right?" I answered with tears welling in my eyes "Yes!" and I continued and " But I never agreed that I will be missing him this much immediately!" and cried again....Cha says" That is why you're crying because you miss him." she continued " But you are the one who let him leave and be that far away from you." and continued again" I can never understand you Sunnie. This is the reason why I don't want to fall in love. I also, because I can never understand you." and she laughed at me loudly.. I asked her " are you my friend?" , she answered : Yes!" and added " That is why I am her to share these sad feelings. You have to do this for you to wake you up" and she tapped my head and then she gave me another round of our drink. I almost finished two bottles each and both of us were drunk at that time, I guess. I told her that she could sleep over at my place and she said, as if teasing me, that she had already guessed that I'd be asking her to stay there. That is why she has already prepared herself.

That is how we [Cha and I ] treat each other. We are more than sisters. We both know what we like and our sorrows, happiness and all about each others lives. I led her to my room and helped her lie on the bed. After that, I took the juice I left in my fridge to help sober myself. I arranged the things we used outside. I was amazed at myself. I am usually asleep whenever we drink, but this is the first time that I am still awake. I was thinking of him and received a text message from him. I opened it and read " I am here, I will call you when I am in the hotel." and another text message from him again "I love you ...". I hurriedly cleaned everything and washed the dishes as well, and sat on the couch and I turned on the television. I decided to watch the late news while waiting for his call. I was afraid that I might fall asleep and could not answer his call. As I lie down on the couch while waiting ... my eyes are so heavy and as if like pulling me to sleep.

I saw Yun from afar wearing his long white sleeves and waving and calling my name. He was at a seashore walking and smiling at me. He was asking me to go there beside him but when i ran he vanished.. I tried to search for him and saw his footsteps drifting from the sand as the waves passed through it. I was following it until I saw a path that he went through. The one that will lead me to where he is. After following it, I saw a garden where yellow chrysanthems and violet hyacinths were growing and it was so bizarre to see things like that. I saw a silhouette and was surprised to see that it was Yumi. She walked slowly in the clouds and the breeze blew her hair and dress and she saw me. She was smiling at me and slowly walked in my direction, approaching me and asked " Are you looking for Yun?" , I said "Yes, where is he" and continued " I just saw him there earlier" and she said " You really don't know how much he is sacrificing his life for you do you?. Just to be with you and to make you happy"... I got confused. I can never understand what she is trying to tell me. "Sunnie ..." she said" Would you believe if I told you that Yun is not what you think he is"..." what do you mean?" I asked her.