Past Obsessions

Chapter 15 - Alice

By the time I closed the door, tears ran down my face, hot like lava burning my flesh. I could feel myself tearing into a thousand pieces and shattering into a thousand more. Leaning back on the door, my whole body trembled. My breath caught so hard I couldn’t breathe, my lungs struggling to fill themselves with oxygen. My body felt weak as I sank to my knees, tears flowing fast as I cried.

I wasn’t sure how long I’d been sitting on the floor. My face burned, as did my chest. As my sobs began to subside, I was finally able to pick myself up. I collected my phone and stared at the screen. Why did he have to be who he was? Why did he have to be so deeply inside me that I could never claw myself free?

I spent the next hour in a daze, trying to figure out what I wanted, attempting to unseat the negative thoughts in my mind. He was everything and more; he scared me half to death but excited me twice as much. Finally, I picked up my phone, steeling myself for the inevitable fight.

ME: I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

I could have sworn I heard my heart break even further. The hand that gripped my insides was now twisting them so tight that they’d never let go.

ALEX: Do what?

Fucking hell, how did he do that? Take something so brutal, visceral, and cut right through it. I wanted him, and in that moment, I hated myself for it.

ME: Us, again. I just can’t. I’m sorry.

My heart stopped. I had killed it; I had killed whatever piece of myself was still alive. I felt the burn of more tears spill down my cheeks. I had just destroyed whatever piece of me still believed in love.

ALEX: You’re mine!

“I know,” I told myself before I typed my final goodbye. I was going to end this. I had to. I couldn’t let him drag me down his rabbit hole and into madness. I couldn’t be his Alice to his Alex in our crazed wonderland. Alex was equal parts amazing, intoxicating, crazed, and dangerous. I loved him, I always would, but I couldn’t be with him. Feeling that rush of excitement in the restaurant, seeing that cold predator, I needed that, and that is exactly what I was afraid of.

ME: Alex, it’s over!

Once again, I chose to block him, and the tears tore down my face with far more force than I had ever experienced in my life. I couldn’t stop the wave of pain that ripped into me. It would be so much easier to just collapse into it and let it consume me, never to be seen again. I had just killed the last good piece of myself.

The pain was almost unbearable. I had, in truth, just killed the only part of myself that really mattered. It wasn’t that I didn’t love Alex; I did. But the way he waltzed back in and kicked down my defences, how easily we simply settled back into being ourselves, terrified me. In truth, I couldn’t function with Alex like that.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured softly. I knew he couldn’t hear, but it helped me remove the violent waves of emotion tearing at my heart.

It was fear, I knew that. Despite hating being alone, I was afraid of how quickly he was able to get inside my heart and my mind. My insides ached, both from my actions and our encounter. One last perfect night, I told myself.

I swallowed down the pain and steeled myself. I heard his car pull away, a sigh of relief. Or was it one of hurt? He didn’t even try to fight it, though I’d blocked him, so he couldn’t really.

Almost two months had passed since I’d once again broken up with Alex. I tried not to think about it, focusing instead on a new guy I’d met. As much as I liked him, he was a safe choice—easy-going, bright, but normal. I couldn’t face being with anyone less than vanilla. We had gone on a couple of dates, though I couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched, constantly checking for that silver 4x4 in the background. Was it because he was stalking me? Or because I wanted him to be there? I caught myself checking cars as they rolled past.

“Hey babe,” he said, catching my attention. “Where did you go?”

“Huh? Oh, sorry babe, just didn’t sleep well,” I lied. “I’m okay. Where are we headed?”

“You’ll see,” he replied.

James, with his heavy frame, short blonde hair, and hollow grey eyes, was as far from Alex Kensington as I could ever get. But he was safe, and I needed that. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I made myself need it. Even sex... as short-lived as our only time had been, was safe. God, I wanted Alex to show up and just take me. Our date was... safe. God, what was I doing?

I appreciated James’ efforts—a nice restaurant, a table by the window. Wait, was that his car? Was that him, casually leaning against the car, dark hair, leather jacket? It couldn’t be. He wouldn’t. I blinked and pushed the thoughts aside.

“So I thought we’d see that film, then head out for a drink,” James’ voice rooted me back to reality.

“Yeah, sounds good, babe,” I replied.

The meal passed, but I kept throwing glances back out of the window. The car and the man had gone now, or had they even been there? Alex Kensington was an asshole, but he was so deeply ingrained inside me I would never be free. The way he said “You’re mine,” I’d heard it a thousand times before, but that last time, there was something different. It was like he went from believing to knowing it was an absolute truth. “Stop it!” I scolded myself. We finished our meal, and once the movie was over, we headed home.

It had been the perfect evening. As I slipped into the taxi, I leaned in to kiss him with a soft smile.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, babe?” I asked.

“Of course, princess,” he replied.

I felt my insides twist at that word. Swallowing down the pain, I forced a smile. Alex had called me "princess," the one word he’d reserved for someone worthy of it in his eyes. Alex had a strange relationship with some words; even "Daddy" had been reserved. I’d called him that out of comfort, and he’d told me not to unless I knew what I was getting into. The truth was I didn’t understand that world. My previous experiences had been skewed. He’d taught me so much, and I’d relished it. It’s why I couldn’t be with James. I needed the safety of normal. I needed to feel like the world made sense, like my world made sense.

“Okay, babe.” As I closed the door of the taxi, I looked across the road and then along, waiting for the taxi to pull away. The usual array of cars from the neighbours, most people parked outside. I stopped as I stared. Did they have a new car? Wait, was that…? I shook the thoughts free. “He’s not there, Alice. f*****g hell, get a grip.”

There were thousands of silver 4x4s in the world; it’s not like only one mattered. I hadn’t heard from Alex since our breakup and, in truth, he couldn’t even if he wanted to. Well, he could—he was smarter than most men I knew—if he wanted to contact me, he would find a way.

I looked back to the car, which pulled out and rolled past me. I couldn’t see the driver; it was too dark, but I swore it slowed slightly as it passed me. Before the red of the brake lights flashed and it turned onto the main road. My heart hammered so hard I felt it. I had to shake this; I needed to heal. How the f**k do you get Alex Kensington out of your—You will never be free of me—something he once said echoed in my head. I hated that he was right. I sighed and made my way to my door, slipping inside.