Past Obsessions

Chapter 17 – Alice

I could barely believe the price, and my phone wasn’t even that new. I always found irony in a repair costing more than the phone was actually worth. I sighed; I really would have to break out the one Alex gave me before our original breakup. The glass on this one kept catching and nicking my fingers. Still, there were worse things than using a gift from my ex-boyfriend, I thought.

I stumbled as I slammed into the guy coming into the store. My mind panicked; I hated this kind of interaction—wait, that scent— "Oh... I'm so..." My eyes locked with his as I looked up, then stepped back in annoyance. What the f**k was he doing here? "Alex, what the f**k are you doing here?"

I could feel my anger burning. I had finally started to get past him and move on, and here he was. Was he following me? His excuse for it was flimsy at best. I growled in annoyance and told him, 'Stay away from me!' There was so much anger in those words that I could feel myself physically trembling.

I stormed from the shop and crossed the road, my eyes finding James. Without hesitation, I threw my arms around him, making a huge show of a kiss. I knew he’d be watching, and I knew it was going to hurt Alex. That was me; that rage in me made me reckless, and I wanted him to just go away. I needed to be free of him, and the only way to do that was to wound him so deeply he would never, ever come back.

In truth, my plan was flawed, and I knew it. Later, I would calm down and regret my actions. I also wasn’t sure it was possible to wound him deeply enough that he’d never come back. Alex had always joked about being the loyal dog — you could kick them as hard as possible, treat them badly, and they still come back to you. Wow did I really just compare Alex Kensington to a dog?

“Wow….” said James, throwing my train of thought out the window.

“Hmm?” I replied.

“You have never kissed me like that. Where did that come from?”

My mind had begun to cool as I saw his car pull away—mission accomplished, I told myself. I had successfully hurt him, though it could go the other way and I’d just pissed him off. That was a scary thought in itself.

“You’ve been so good to me, you deserved it,” I lied, my eyes moving back to him as I forced a smile.

By the time we got home, I had turned my encounter with Alex over in my head a thousand times. The only logical conclusion was that he had been there on purpose. I knew him well enough to understand it was unlikely he intended to run into me, which meant he was following me. But why?

James went to kiss me, and I sidestepped him. “You okay, baby?” he asked, looking puzzled. It was kind of cute how easily I could confuse and fluster him. But I liked that; I had all the control in the world because James was far too nice to push me.

“Of course, babe, just tired. You know how I get out there,” I replied. He actually didn’t have a clue. I hated being in social settings and hated all these dinners, but I appreciated the effort James put into them.

In contrast to Alex, James was like a lake on a summer's day—calm and easy to predict. Alex was like the currents beneath: quick, dangerous, and lethal if you waded out too far. They could drag you under and drown you in a heartbeat, with no remorse.

I made my way to the sofa, peeled off my coat, and settled in, flicking on the TV and putting on my show. I would just put it aside and return to the safety of my routine. He joined me, and I curled into him. James was safe; that’s what mattered. He wrapped his arm loosely around my waist, and I settled into him, pushing thoughts of Alex aside.

James's hand crept to my thigh, and I pushed it back to my waist. I knew what he was doing, and I just didn’t feel up to it. We’d had s*x, but I didn’t enjoy that side of things with him as much, certainly not right now. I told myself I would get there. s*x wasn't bad with James; it was soft, gentle, and didn’t last long. I had pretended to enjoy it and finished myself off after he'd left.

He seemed to get the message. Did he just sigh? It didn’t matter. I spent the evening watching the show with him. Finally, he rose and I smiled at him, kissing him.

“I’m gonna head home, babe,” he said softly.

“OK, I’ll call the taxi,” I replied as I looked for my phone.

“I got it,” he sounded annoyed. I was just overthinking, I told myself. I walked him to the door, and as my eyes settled on the street outside, my heart skipped. It couldn’t be. Was he really following me? I shook the thought free and smiled at James.

“Let me know when you’re home, babe?” He kissed me and nodded, then walked down the path. If it was Alex right about now, he’d be gearing up to run James over. It wasn’t. Everything was fine. He wasn’t that insane.

I waited until James got into the taxi and it pulled away, then oddly enough, so did the silver car that had been parked up the road. “Stop it,” I scolded myself. Even if it was him, his attention would be on me, not on James. Right? I frowned and pulled out my phone, scrolling through the blocked numbers. At the top was that familiar number. Just one call could end this. I didn’t. I couldn’t. He was hurt, and I was genuinely afraid of what he’d do if he couldn’t get to me.

As I closed the door, my mind drifted back to Alex. I had once again ripped him out of my life, knowing the impact that had to have had. For a man who was full of confidence, Alex could crash and burn in the most violent of ways; I had seen it, and it could be terrifying. But if he had, then that was on me.

I breathed for a moment, missing his comfort and guidance. Right now, he’d be telling me he was proud of me, that he hoped I was happy. Or he’d say, “He’s boring and doesn’t understand you, princess.” I had to admit he’d be right. But he was safe, and I had convinced myself I needed that. I had to figure out who I was without him. Adam had been safe too, a little less boring but still safe. “What a mess we’re in,” I muttered.

By the time I went to bed, I had exhausted my mind trying to figure out what I was doing or what I wanted. Either way, Alex was gone, and I felt too deeply entrenched in my current situation to extract myself. I couldn’t just hurt James; he didn’t deserve that.