Vengeful Canvas

VC 3: Resentment and Vengeance

"I have heard what happened yesterday," Ly greets me as I answer her call right after entering the house. "Do you want me to take a leave, even just for a week, to come and see you today?" she asks, her face reflecting concern about whatever happened yesterday.

I don't immediately respond to her question as Kuya Mario and Kuya Luige simultaneously excuse themselves to check the surroundings with other guards in the house. They signal me to call them if I need anything or have any requests.

Feeling lazy, I slouch on the couch after placing my Louis Vuitton City Steamer MM bag on the table, glancing at my phone screen.

"I don't want to end my day talking about him, Ly. And don't say that the distance between where I am now and where you are is just like turning a street corner," I say softly, lying down on the couch to place my phone there and avoid getting a stiff neck. "How's your day yesterday?" I ask to have something to talk about and receive an eye roll from her.

I sigh deeply because she would never dismiss what happened on that day. She knows what could have happened to me yesterday, and I understand why she is concerned about me right now. She's also worried about something I might do, something she hopes I won't do again, or even something I did yesterday, which I didn't. Even Kuya Mario and Kuya Luige are the same, but they just let me be with whatever I want to do. They are waiting for the right time when I'll talk to them about what happened yesterday. I'm not oblivious to the occasional glances they throw when I get into the car after leaving the restaurant yesterday. They take me to the office to attend another meeting instead of bringing me home because they know I need to stay busy so I won't dwell on things that won't help my situation from yesterday. They constantly check on me from time to time until I manage to survive my day.

"I won't dismiss the topic unless you tell me everything, especially what you're feeling," she says. "Even if you don't say it, I know you are not okay. Fifteen years without seeing him doesn't mean it did not affect you, especially with his sudden appearance without you knowing. I'm sorry for acting like this again; I'm just worried about you." Worry was evident on her face, something she never hid from me.

I sigh and choose to keep my mouth shut, causing her also to sigh.

"Let's start with what you feel first," she insisted. "I will ask you some questions, and please answer honestly and properly. This is for your good. Keeping your feelings bottled up is not good for you, Lau. I don't want a repeat of what you did before. It's never a solution. Besides, we need to do this, especially since it seems you have no intention of going to your therapist."

I blink in response, nodding slightly. I also grab a pillow, rest my chin on it, and look at her attentively.

"What did you feel when you found out or at least heard that you were going to meet him yesterday?" she asks after a few seconds of silence between us.

"It's already evening here and morning there, but it seems she decided not to go to work or to be late just to talk to me, which is touching for me, and I appreciate it a lot. This is one of the things I like about her. She is genuinely caring and always does everything to ensure I'm okay.

"To be honest, I don't know," I say as I recall what happened yesterday. "I saw myself just closing my eyes and feeling a sense of irritation at first when it hit me—that he was indeed my lunch meeting. You know—that restaurant, it's a bitter-sweet place to me... I don't know."

I don't know how to explain it, but that's it. I felt stunned but realized I needed to go in, even though I knew that person would add more unpleasant memories to that restaurant. And it would increase the hatred and anger I feel towards him.

"You mean you met at El Diablo?" she asks in disbelief, to which I nod. "What went through his mind that he thought of scheduling a lunch meeting with you after what he did to you? How does it feel to go back there and meet him, even though I know you still go there but knowing that you're going to meet him, the one you've been avoiding, especially after what happened yesterday?" She stares at me intently as if searching for the true answer on my face, especially in my eyes. "Anyway, I will give you time to answer. It seems like you're having a hard time speaking properly," she says, followed by an eye-roll as she notices my hesitation in speaking.

I am left in a daze for a few minutes as I grapple with what I truly feel about what's happened. It's a mix of emotions. In the depth of my thoughts, I don't realize that my breathing is getting deeper again. My hands are trembling, and I am starting to tear up. This is precisely how I felt when I got into the car yesterday. It suddenly sinks in that he's back, and I know it's not good for me.

Before Ly noticed, distracted temporarily by her pet cat, I buried my face in the pillow and softly screamed. I pull myself back, taking a deep breath before exhaling. I didn't pay attention to her last statement either.

"What the f**k, Laurent!" she exclaims in surprise at my sudden outburst.

"Can we talk again tomorrow?" I plead with her when I find the strength to look at her. "I just need to rest for now, Ly. But don't worry, I'm staying at home for the time being. I'm working from here. I'll ask Kuya Mario to bring some important documents home." I continued explaining, adjusting my seat and picking up my phone from where it was lying on the couch.

Even though it's evident in Ly's face that she doesn't want to agree to what I want to do, she nods.

"Don't overthink too much, Lau," she reminds me again. "Take a shower to feel better. Then, sleep. Don't ever try to hang out in your office again. I'll have Mario and Luige keep an eye on you."

"Yes, Ma'am," I jokingly say to mask my feelings.

"I am deadly serious here, Lau," she says thoughtfully. "Even if you're five years older than me, I don't care. Sometimes, you're the more stubborn one between us."

"Whatever," I said with an eye roll, causing her to sigh.

"Good night," she says before finally ending the call.

I stared at my phone for a few minutes before grabbing my bag from the table and heading to my room. I heard Kuya Luige calling my name, telling me to stop running while on the stairs, but I ignored him and continued on my way.

I quickly enter my room, undress, and step into the bathroom. I position myself under the shower and turn it on. Even though the water is warm, I can't feel anything. I feel numb and want to feel pain, but I immediately dismiss the thought of doing something foolish if I give in.

"No, Laurent!" I softly shook my head, gently bumping my forehead against the wall before me while under the shower.

I even cover my ears with my hands as if trying to block out any whispers that might be whispering to me about what to do in those moments to make myself okay.

"No! You're not going to do that!" I tell myself over and over again. "You've made it through that stage, Laurent! Don't let yourself be broken by it again! No! Laurent, don't give in! Don't!" I pressed my hands against my ears even more.

After an hour of staying in the same position, I quickly pressed the cold water button after allowing the warmth from the shower to seep into my skin gradually. I stayed there for a few minutes before deciding to get dressed and rest.

I lift my left hand and sink into the soft, fragrant bed. I blink several times upon realizing that my Rolex Datejust 31 white gold watch, a gift from Ly using the black card I gave her during one of our shopping sprees, is not there. I can't help but laugh as I recall that moment. I was so shocked when she suddenly handed me the familiar box; that watch has been a constant accessory for me since then. It became my first watch because I'm not fond of wearing them. My soft laughter gradually fades, turning my curved lips into thin lines.

I slowly lower my left hand until it rests on my face, maintaining just enough distance between my eyes. My gaze immediately falls on my pulse point, and I involuntarily swallow as I see the consecutive lines there that will never be erased, no matter how many times I rub them. I cover it with my right hand, gripping it tightly before lowering it to my chest.

I sigh deeply, closing my eyes tightly as I begin to reminisce about the beautiful moments in my life. Suddenly, the word 'Finn' was whispered to me, prompting me to open my eyes and head to my secret room. Upon opening the door, I was greeted by splattered paint everywhere, messy art supplies, including paintbrushes and paints, and displayed canvases throughout the room. In the center is a chair with an empty canvas in front of it. I noticed my right hand shaking as I looked down.

"How can I survive my fifteen years without you aside from Ly?" I asked as if expecting my right hand to respond.

I blink several times as water droplets fall onto my palm, still gazing at it. I laugh almost maniacally, which slowly turns into a soft cry. I sat down at the side, allowing myself to be vulnerable in the four corners of this room that had witnessed what was happening to me, much like now.

This is my sanctuary in this house. I allow the broken pieces to litter this room until I realize I need to pick them up to reassemble them — which is my broken self. That is perfectly fine with me. I assume that gradual healing is no problem, and I will be able to face anything because I have healed myself over those fifteen years — that I will no longer be crushed like before.

When I first saw him, I was almost unable to control myself. I am on the verge of crying in front of him. Anger, hatred, fear, regret, and remorse nearly consume me at that moment, and I feel utterly lost. But I am grateful that I can overcome those overwhelming feelings. At least, I am pleased that I don't have a nervous breakdown in front of him.

However, damn it! Why am I acting this way again? Why? Isn't it enough?

I allow myself to lie there until I get tired and my eyes have no more tears to shed. I'm now lying on the floor, hugging my knees tightly. I hide my face there while keeping my eyes closed. I felt exhausted from the constant crying earlier, so I let myself rest to regain strength. I carefully roll onto my back to lie down properly when I have enough strength. Upon seeing the name on the ceiling, I blinked several times, which helped me hide the weak Laurent Alfanta fifteen years ago. The name became why I changed and learned to mask my true feelings until I learned how to play with fire, throwing everything that happened to me back then. And convincing myself that it's okay to do that, and it won't make me any less of a person.

"Finn," I read what was written on the ceiling.

A mischievous smile plays on my lips as an idea comes to me.

"It's time to make some noise again, Finn," I said while looking at my right hand.

I lift my head to survey the surroundings and clench my right hand when I realize I'm standing in front of a large mirror deliberately placed in the secret room. I rise from my lying position and take careful steps toward it until I'm at a close distance. I glance at my reflection in the mirror, stopping at my face. Slowly, I lifted my right hand and touched my cheeks, wiping away the traces of tears.

"They don't deserve your tears, Laurent," I whispered. "He doesn't deserve it either, not even a bit."

My emotionless eyes slowly began to have a different sparkle. A sparkle that is only visible in the eyes of a Finn, and I love to see it. I love the feeling that crawls into my system. It's like my body is gradually gaining strength, and I feel excitement as I think about shaking the world with the sudden idea that came to me.

"This world... is almost all about money, fame, physical appearance, and worldliness. And I will use that until I can finally grab them all by the neck. And ruin them as they did to me. It's a case of one eye for the other."

My eyebrows furrow immediately when I see the reflection of a familiar red fabric in the mirror. It's behind me, and I know what's behind that fabric. I vividly remember how I thought of wrapping it around that red fabric.

Paintings that I wouldn't say I like because they exist. I even paint them for a worthless person, my ex-boyfriend, who becomes my ex-fiancée—a decision I regret. And I'm not sure why I allow those paintings to stay here. With his empty words, I should have burned them a long time ago.

'You do realize I can't leave without you, do you? So please bear with me. I'll put things right, and once I've solved the problem, I'll return to fulfill our promise to each other. We'll marry and start a family of our own. Laurent, please wait for me.'

The loud sound of shattering glass is what I hear. I blink when I see my right hand pressed against the broken mirror. I didn't realize that in the gradual rise of resentment towards that person, aside from my father, I managed to break the mirror I shouldn't have broken from the beginning. I don't know. It's like my hand has a mind, and it suddenly does that.

I immediately step back as I see my father, one of the people I despise, in the flesh. He stares at me and smiles, mocking me for what's happening in my life now. Even with the broken mirror, I can still clearly see him.

"This is your karma for accusing me of killing your mother, Laurent. And I didn't even know that he would choose to lie to you and leave you for his family because it was the wish of his beloved mother. He left you hanging while you still hoped for his empty promises."

"Stop!" I shout.

"Believe in the promises he has already fulfilled with someone else after accepting the fixed marriage that his family has been planning for a long time."

Feeling frustrated, I forcefully strike the mirror with full strength until it shatters completely and the broken pieces scatter across the floor.

"You'll regret toying with me and choosing to destroy my life! I didn't fall short as a daughter and a girlfriend! But why?" I cried out, expressing my resentment and anger toward both of them.

I turned my attention to the paintings wrapped in red fabric I had created earlier. Swiftly, I remove the covering, revealing the painting of a nude man. It's not just one; there are many. I never thought I'd paint them, capturing his appearance and pose as he requested.

"It's time for me to be a player in this game. And I'll make sure you regret it for the rest of your lives. I'll time it perfectly when you feel like you're the luckiest man alive. I'll crush you, just as you crushed me. I'll ruin your happy life. I won't allow myself to suffer alone while you continue to be happy with your family and the family you've built. Fifteen years is enough, and now it's my turn. I won't let you treat me like that. Just wait for karma to return to you, and I'll deliver it."

Quickly, I sat in the chair at the center of the room and began staining the white canvas.