The Black Ocean

Episode 8

Loneliness waged a ceaseless war within me. Every time I pushed it away, it returned stronger, like a futile struggle against the inevitable. Deep inside, a voice, foreign and unknown, begged me to fight when I felt most lost. I wished it would release its grip, for every time it held me, I struggled a thousand times harder.

I longed for my thoughts to freeze at the poles, adorned in their summer attire. If only they'd grant me peace, if only they'd let me believe that I wasn't to blame.

I penned my dreams onto a scrap of paper. As I opened my eyes in terror, I glanced at the paper, only his name was written. Crafting a paper boat, I left it on the shore, yearning for the waves to carry away my dreams. The little boat battled the violent waves. Drops of water blurred the blue ink, turning my words into a smudge.

My writing turned into a blotch, and the small boat sank. I was as feeble as that vessel, as exposed, as desperate for protection, but the waves remained indifferent. My tears merged with the ocean, disappearing without a trace.

"You look like you might faint any second," Alex observed, his hazel eyes examining my pale face with worry.

"I need to do well on this test, you know."

"Chill, we've been prepping all week. It'll be okay." he reassured me, settling into one of the plush armchairs in the waiting area in front of the lecture hall where the exam would take place and gestured for me to join him.

"I wasn't always like this. I used to stress, but I managed to stay calm."

He could sense I was about to continue. Without prompting, he sat there, patiently waiting for me to unveil the rest of the story.

"I've realized I have panic attacks, though not severe. It's like feeling it tenfold whenever stress hits," I revealed.

"Like right now?" Alex's concern was evident, his body tense, almost as if he'd whisk me off to the hospital at any moment. His restlessness betrayed his worry.

"Don't worry. It's not that intense. It just adds to the stress a bit."

"Perhaps some fresh air might help. We still have half an hour. Want to step out?" His suggestion was gentle, hinting that he felt I needed a breather. I nodded, slowly rising from the couch. I trailed his steps as he seemed eager to reach the terrace, as if my well-being depended on it. His coat swayed behind him, giving him a sort of savior-like aura.

He held the glass door open, his gaze uncertain, seemingly unconvinced by my assurances. As I stepped onto the terrace, I noticed Dorian and Blair were already there.

"Class isn't enough for you, Alex? Are you sitting for the exam too?" Dorian's mocking tone matched the disdain in his eyes, refusing to acknowledge me. Ignoring my presence was Dorian's forte. It was the same old story, as if my existence once held significance for him.

"If I take the test, the curve will be skewed..." Alex responded, gesturing as if drawing a curve in the air.

"Don't undermine Dorian, Alex. He's just as smart as you," Blair interjected, her attention flitting between Alex and Dorian.

Dorian's retort hissed through clenched teeth, signaling his discomfort with comparisons. It was clear; he despised being compared or outdone.

"Just as smart," Dorian's words dripped with anger. Blair quickly diverted the topic, focusing her gaze on Alex.

"Are you joining us tonight? I've made a booking," she queried, turning to Alex with excitement.

"I haven't asked Blake yet. We were focused on the exam," he replied nonchalantly, a demeanor I envied, able to mask his emotions effortlessly. I wished I could conceal my feelings as effortlessly as he did. I was an open book, a tale Dorian could read at a glance, something he detested.

"We're going bowling tonight, and then to a bar with a great view," Blair chimed, brimming with enthusiasm. Her zest for life was infectious, even making me consider joining despite typically disliking such outings.

Dorian however, shot down the idea, his posture assertive. All eyes turned to me, waiting for my response.

"We'd love to join, Blair" I answered with a triumphant smile.

"Fantastic! Rest up today, we'll have a blast tonight," she cheerily responded before strolling off to make a call.

"I need to rest for a very long time, not only today. You've drained me out in a week," Alex joked, trying to ease the mood.

Dorian's expression was inscrutable. I felt compelled to explain his words, trying to break free from the complexity in Dorian's eyes.

"Alex has been tutoring me all week," I mumbled, wanting to move away from his intense gaze.

Dorian's crossed arms relaxed and fell to his sides, a nod signifying acknowledgment. I knew Alex would give me a talk later about offering any explanation, but I couldn't help myself. Deep down, I cared about what Dorian thought of me.

My encounters with the dark blue-eyed turmoil didn't begin and end in a day. Erasing him from my life was a battle yet to be won. I was determined to move on, but I couldn't guarantee success.

"See you tonight, Dorian" I said, extending my hand to Alex, whose warmth enveloped my perennially cold fingers, offering protection from the brewing storm. I questioned how long I could rely on that refuge.

Independence was something I needed to learn, yet I found myself reluctant to let go of that guiding hand. An unfamiliar tranquility and confidence washed over me. I didn't know who Dorian had lost or how content he'd been in return, but Blair had forfeited someone who would stand by her through everything.

In Alex's hazel eyes, I found compassion and grace. He seemed capable of eradicating evil and healing wounds. Even though our acquaintance was young, it felt like he'd answer my call for help every time.

I yearned to love him but knew I couldn't. Dorian had seized my heart and soul.

Though my back was turned, I sensed his gaze on us. Our eyes met through the reflection on the terrace door. His gaze seemed distant, as if he wasn't watching us but a recurring scene playing in his mind. His eyes followed our entwined hands absentmindedly while his fingers danced over his phone, echoing an uneasy tune.

"See you tonight" his parting words held a fleeting pause. His slump and resolute lips portrayed a poignant expression.

"Why does he seem so taken aback?" I asked Alex.

"He thought he'd never lose you, that you'd stand by him no matter what. You shattered those hopes. That's all," he responded, a keen observer I had much to learn from.

"You've got to ace that to make up for making me drain my soul all week and trying to get you to study." he remarked as we headed for the exam hall.

"Thank you. I'll repay you, more than just words," I promised as our hands parted.

"I've got some creative ideas for that," he winked playfully. His presence managed to coax a smile from me. Stress seemed to dissipate, leaving an odd sense of calmness.

My heart wasn't racing as it used to, my breath came easily. It felt like I was healing, swimming toward the surface, no longer allowing the dark waters to pull me under in that black and cold ocean.