Where is my mind?

A lesson learned/ Breadwinner

A Lesson Learned

we opened my closet and counted my skeletons

sitting up late nights talking life, love, hopes, regrets

i thought i knew you and i bet on it

i became a martyr

for a murky future with a silent companion

i just wanted to know you

the real you

the one who i needed

but every corner had a demand

as my life immolated in my hands

you being water

i just gave you warmth

i held onto what let go

throwing my life away

caught by my own torment

i needed to be seen in the shadows

by the light of my life

you couldn't look at my dreams

and see more than a fight

they never flared their teeth

because when they saw you

i hoped for better things

and their flames turned blue

hurt and abused

i held onto you

I'll never give myself

the way i did to you

i couldn't replicate our love

you were right to assume

i won't

because that love was

a lesson learned

Breadwinner

get up and obey the system

be the one without time or energy

when no one truly understands why

those with time, showered with love while you watch

when all you wanted was gratitude

you dream of a hug

but it's inconsiderable

irresponsibility? rebellion?

everyone will pay that price

for your escape

their lives are in your hands

for the rest of your days

you can't feel

you must stay strong

because the second you aren't

you could lose it all

"be a man" they say

act in service with no pay

fleeting thoughts:

drink, f**k, spend, fight

they'll hate you more

for pursuing a grain of what was lost

revert to nostalgia or peace

maybe you'll feel like enough

remember when you didn't have to be anything

just to be loved

will i fold and succumb to desire

or will i be stoic and live my days for hire

they may think they understand

what it means to be a breadwinning man

that sympathy will always veer

the second i come home and want a cold beer

"how is your day?" is just small talk for "i want something"

what you have, you have to give

no running, hiding, stashing

where do people see

that i have needs

simply to sit on the couch

and watch tv

tune it all out

i don't want to hear it

sometimes I'm just tired

and i need to rest

to have a break

from ungrateful pests

maybe my son will grow

and understand

what it means

to be a breadwinning man

i pray he can find his way

to simply get through his days