Ingredients of Love (dela Conde no. 2)

Chapter 14 Confusions

Chapter 14

Confusions

Never in my life have I expected me to be so dearly in love with someone other than Rhaine. Yes, even if he used to cheat on me or torn my heart into pieces, I did love him. It's just that, at this point, akala ko nabuhos ko na ang lahat ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya that's why when the first time he cheated on me ay talagang nasaktan ako. Worst is, I give him another chance to mend our relationship and break me once more.

But we're already done. Even if there was love between two people, if cheating becomes a habit of someone, love and trust would slowly wear off.

Akala ko dati ayos lang na mag-cheat siya sa akin, what's important is sa akin pa rin naman siya umuuwi, because he loves me. But I realized –that's why we split up – that he doesn't really value me, he would just come back to me whenever he is not satisfied with his flings, leaving me as his last option.

Pero ang hindi ko talaga inaasahan sa lahat ay may isang tao palang higit na nagpapahalaga sa akin. Never have I expected that he, Homer, would genuinely value and love me like I was the last woman on Earth and that I would also love him like he was the only man for me. From the way he looks at me, from the way he kissed me, and from the way he waited for me, I can conclude that he was once deeply in love with me and so am I to him. Yes, once, because those memories are all part of my past.

Pero kahit na parte lang iyon ng nakaraan at kahit sa pamamagitan ng panaginip ko nahagilap ang lahat ng iyon, it was so real and vivid. I can feel it; he was so true to me.

Kaya pala hindi ako nagugulat tuwing hinahawakan niya ang tiyan ko o kung titig siya sa akin because my system was already used to it. My brain may not remember everything but my system does remember Homer, very well, that they are acknowledging him as their master.

Pinakatitigan ko siya, he's busy stirring his coffee. Napabuga na lamang ako ng hangin at nagpatuloy sa pagkain ko but I saw him stealing glances to me kaya inangat ko ang tingin ko tapos hinuli ang mga mata niyang sakto namang nakatitig sa akin.

"Are we really just friends?" I asked him without even thinking twice.

Sa lahat ng pwede mong itanong Penny iyan talaga ang itinanong mo? Gusto mob a more than friends kayo? – pangaral ko sa sarili ko.

"We're more than that."

That's it!

"We're best friends," para naman akong nanghina sa naging sagot niya.

"Best friends don't kiss," I said referring to my recent recollection.

The side of his lips rose as he stares me.

"Well, we can just add two words in that phrase so it would be legal for us to kiss like what we did last time."

"And what would that be?" tanong ko sa kanya.

"With benefits, you know best friends with benefits," sabi niya.

Halos masamid naman ako sa sarili kong laway sa narinig.

Ano bang pinagsasabi ng lalaking ito? Nababaliw na yata siya.

"Just kidding," sabi niya tapos sumimsim sa kape niya.

Napatitig naman ako sa kaliwang kamay niya na nakapatong sa lamesa, then I looked away when I'm done checking the bracelet he was wearing. It looks so old. Sa tanda nito ay unti-unti ng natatanggal ang mga leather nito. But even if it is old, I can still recognize it. That was my gift to him.

He still has it with him, still using it like it's too precious.

"I'm sorry," bigla niyang sabi kaya naman ay nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. Hinintay ko siyang magsalitang muli.

"You may feel unbeautiful because I can't bed you, but you are really beautiful, Rayana. It's just that I think it's not right for me to do it, kasi ano, ayaw kong samalantahin iyong sitwasyon. I do not want you to regret," he explained. Tinitigan ko lang siya, then I nodded without saying a single word.

I do not think I would regret it. I mean, I'm willing to share a night with him but I think he's right, my first should be memorable. Pero teka, how did she knew I am a virgin?

"By the way, how did you know I was you know inexperience?"

Ngumisi lang siya sa akin then he raised his finger, "my friend finds it hard to enter."

I shouldn't ask him, ang awkward tuloy.

"To tell you honestly, I wasn't really in myself that time," pag-amin niya.

Normal naman siguro na mag-usap kami ng ganito kasi we're both adults, we can handle ourselves already.

"Yeah, you're drunk. Nagulat na nga lang ako sayo kasi bigla mo na lang akong dinala sa isang silid. You look so hot doing it, you know licking me down there-" I stopped myself from talking too far. Bakit ko ba sinabi iyon? Para ko na ring inamin na nasarapan ako sa ginawa niya. Well, masarap naman talaga. Ewan!

I saw him gulped at ininum ang natitira niyang kape.

"I'm sorry if I have gone far like that. I was actually high that time, you know drugs."

My mouth literally opened, jaw-dropping. Like what? He was high? He used drug?

"You're an addict?" gulat kong tanong.

My heart is racing dahil kinakabahan ako sa susunod niyang sabihin. Why is he using drugs? Kailan pa?

"It's not the drug that you're thinking. I'm not an addict. It's a kind of drug na nagpapainit sa katawan mo, I mean a s*x driving drug. I wasn't supposed to drink it, dapat kay Darek iyon. Bachelor's party kasi, alam mo na our friends gifted him a woman to bed before siya magpatali sa asawa niya. At hindi ko inaasahan na magkakapalit ang inumin naming dalawa," kwento niya sa akin.

So that explains why he was so wild. That explains why was in a rush at that time.

Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako sa inamin niya o hindi. Nakakabwesit kasi, why would his friends came up with that kind of idea? Hindi pa nga ikinakasal iyong tao gusto na nilang sirain ang magandang relasyon nito.

"So you bedded her instead?" I don't know but there's a single strand of jealousy in my tone. What the hell, Penny Rayana?

"I was with you, so how could I?" sagot naman niya.

I tsked. If I know he would really bed the woman.

"Would you rather bed her than me, wouldn't you?

What the f**k are you saying Penny? Gustong-gusto mo ba talagang makipagtalik sa kanya? Magpasalamat ka na lang at hindi niya winasak ang bataan mo.

"Rayana, this conversation is making me horny. Let's stop here,"sabi niya sa akin bago siya tumayo.

"Where are you going?" tanong ko sa kanya.

"I'm going to musterbate. Tutulungan mo ako?"

Pinanlakhan ko na lang siya ng mata sa sinabi niya. Even if he's kind hindi pa rin maipagkakaila na kalahi niya si Henrik. The way he speaks may evidence pa rin ng pagiging magpinsan nila. In short, nasa dugo na nila yata ang pagiging mahalay.

Today is my last day sa apartment niya. Wala naman kaming ibang ginawa sa apartment niya maliban sa sabay na kumain at magkwentuhan. We don't share the same bed nga pala kasi natutulog siya sa kwarto ni Leandro, wala kasi si Leandro. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero narinig ko na nag-usap sila nong nakaraan na saka na raw umuwi si Leandro sa apartment kapag wala na ako. Ewan ko ba sa kanya.

I just keep myself looking at Homer who's busy putting our things in his car's compartment, mag pi-picnic kasi kami. It's all his idea; he's still trying to help me.

"All set. Halika na?"

Then he escorts me to his car. I remain silent, still thinking of the memories that I just retrieved.

It was actually a very long dream, so long that it reached the part where we shared a gentle kiss.

Homer waited for me turn 18 before he would take me as his girl, but what happened after that? Naging kami ba?

I wanted to know it, so bad.

"May gusto ka bang sabihin?" tanong niya sa akin. Umiling lang naman ako bilang sagot at pinikit ang mga mata ko. I want to ask him a lot of questions but at the same time I'm afraid of the possible answer he would give me.

Nang makababa kami sa sasakyan niya ay saka ko na lang napagtanto na sa isang beach niya pala ako dinala. So dito kami magpipicnic?

We settled our things first under a coconut tree bago kami naupo. Binuksan ko ang basket na dinala niya at nakita kong may dala siyang grapes, zest-o –which is weird kasi may dala rin siyang softdrinks. May mga junkfoods din siyang dala, and sandwhich –no heavy meals? I asked him about it actually at ang sabi niya ay mag-order na lang kami kung gugutumin pa ako dahil saying din ang pagkain kung hindi namin magagalaw.

"Feed me," utos niya sa akin bago siya nahiga sa hita ko.

Nanliit ang mata ko kasi alam ko kung ano ang gusto niyang gawin.

"Suklay-suklayin mo 'yong buhok ko gamit ang daliri mo. You always do this me. Maybe your mind can't remember you doing this but your hand would probably be familiar with it."

Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko at natawa na.

Tama naman siya, I really did this before pero hindi sa kanya. I did it with Hendrix!

He's trying to mess with my memories!

But then, I just did what he requested. Kasi gusto kong bumuo ulit ng bagong ala-ala sa kanya. My feelings for him may be not the same as what I felt for him years ago, but I do like this man. I like to know him more. Even if we could just only be friends, that would be fine as long as I get to know him better.

Our picnic went well at hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko sa pagngiti because he was acting like a poor child the whole time. He would ask me to feed him, and even held his drink for him. Kulang na lang ay e-request niya sa akin na ako na ang huminga para sa kanya. But even if he was like that, I still enjoyed our picnic because I get to see this side of him, the childish Homer, and I like it, very much.

Nauna siyang maglakad sa akin ngayon kaya malaya ko siyang natitigan sa likod. He has a broad shoulder, and I think if I would hide at his back no one could see me because his shoulder is enough to cover for me.

My gaze then landed to his wrist, specifically to the old braided leather bracelet he is wearing. I tried to catch him up, just to touch the bracelet even just on the tip of my finger. But I think he just noticed my weird actions since he stopped walking just to turn around to me, then his gaze lowered to my hand, which still remains on air dahil sa tinangka kong gawin kanina.

I smiled awkwardly to him then tried to hide my hand but he suddenly grabbed it. I blink because of his impulsive action. Pinagsikop niya ang mga daliri naming before he gave me a dashing smile.

What the hell, heart? I thought you are all used to him? So why on earth are you beating so intermittently like it was your first time to see him smile like that and hold my hand?

"I think I lost my phone. Ibalik lang muna natin ito sa sasakyan ang mga gamit then puntahan natin iyong pinagbilhan natin ng ice cream," sabi niya sa akin. When we reached his car, he finally let go of my hand. Nakahinga naman ako nang maluwag sa ginawa niya at the same time a part of me is disappointed and I don't even know why! But when he took my hand again, I think I can almost hear my heart to cheer for him. Damn!

We continued looking for his phone nang hindi naming ito nakita sa counter ng pinagbilhan niya kanina. Then bumalik kami sa puno ng niyog na pinagpwestuhan namin kanina but we still didn't find his phone. But it's just weird that his face doesn't even show a strand of worry. I mean parang baliwala lang sa kanya na nawawala ang phone niya. Well, he can buy a new, so why bothering ourselves to look for it, right? But here we are, searching for his goddamn phone while holding each other's hand as if we're a new couple.

"Let's go back to the car. Naalala ko na, nasa sasakyan lang pa iyon," he said.

Sabi ko na nga ba!

Hindi ako humakbang kaya nahinto rin siya. Tinitigan niya ako, nagtataka.

"You purposely left your phone, right? It's not really missing?"

I show how his face lightened and his lips arcs into a full of beans smile, before nodding at me.

"I just want to hold your hand, masama ba?"

Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya. I'm out of words. Should I get mad? O dapat kiligin na lang ako?

I do not know what has gotten into my mind the next day because I only find myself at Homer's Gourmet kitchen, cooking some dishes. I also have a small restaurant to care abroad but here I am working in other restaurant. What the hell is really happening?

"Penny, can't you come back here in Seattle to manage your shop?" Aiman asked me when he calls me this afternoon. Sadly, I can't manage my own shop, really, because my ass is currently busy working in Homer's restaurant or let's just say I am busy impressing him with my cooking skills.

"Even if you have me, Tina, and Dexter as your cook, we still need you here. This is your restaurant, Penny. I thought you'll only stay for a week there? Mag-iisang buwan ka ng wala rito, ano ipapamana mo na ba ito sa akin?"

I chuckled at his last words. I actually trust them, halos naman lahat ng dish ng restaurant ko ay idea nila.

"Aiman, just give me some moment okay? I'm trying to figure out something pa kasi. I'll go home as soon as I already finish my business here," sabi ko sa kanya.

"Ewan ko ba sayo, ikaw iyong may-ari nito tapos ikaw wala. Pero kung ano man iyang pinagkakaabalahan mo, sana matapos mo na iyan. You still have a business to take care of, miss," sabi niya sa akin bago nagpaalam na ibababa na niya ang tawag.

He was actually right. I should be there handling my shop, and cook for our customers like what is Homer doing. I should dedicate myself to my business dahil tinayo ko iyon. Maybe, when Pearl's already here in Manila ay babalik na kami sa Seattle.

But then, how about Homer?

Oh, come on Penny. It's not like he's you're boyfriend or something. Hindi mo nga alam kung naging kayo ba.

Aish! Maybe I should tell him about my plan leaving the Philippines. I can't stay here longer, I have a life in Seattle and I cannot also tag him along because he also has a life here. But, para kasing hindi ko pa kayang umuwi. I think I'll be missing him. Kahit kasi saglit lang kami na nagsama at alala na lang iyong iba, I can feel that my system is acknowledging him as their owner again.

Pinagmasdan ko si Homer habang nagluluto. Napanguso ako bigla nang may kapilyohang pumasok sa isipan ko. Kami na lang kasi ang natira rito sa restaurant niya dahil pasara na ito.

Nakatalikod siya sa akin ngayon kaya dahan-dahan akong lumapit sa kanya.

"Good evening," sabi ko sabay pulupot ng mga braso ko sa baywang niya.

I felt him stilled for a bit then slowly shifted his body to look at me. Kinalas ko ang mga braso ko tapos umaktong nagulat, "Oh! Sorry, I thought it was mom!" sabi ko pa.

He looked surprised. His jaw literally dropped, and then I laughed at him.

"You...How far have you remembered?" seryoso niyang tanong sa akin then I just smiled at him, taking some distance away from him.

"Secret!" sabi ko but his face remained stoic. As if he was not happy with my answer.

I can also sense that he is a bit, uh, tense? Not so sure.

"Have you remember that night?" he said almost a whisper, just enough for me to hear it.

I narrowed my eyes at him as I furrow my brows.

"What are you talking about? What night? Excuse dela Conde, I..I am a virgin! You know that, baka ibang babae iyang kasama sa gabing iyon!"

I stopped from what I said like I connected blurry dots together. He just asked me if I remember 'that night', then I suddenly think that baka iba ang kasama niya. Wait. I suddenly felt a fang on my chest.

Hindi kami nagkatuluyan dahil ba dito? It sounds ridiculous but there's a possibility na hindi naging kami, because according to him we were just friends and according to Pearl, my biological father, binalikan niya ako and he acknowledge me as one of his children. Kaya ba ako pumayag agad na umalis ng Pilipinas because I was broken because of Homer?

"What are you talking about?" kunot noo niyang tanong sa akin, "I was just wondering if you remembered the night on my 20th birthday," dagdag niya pa.

Para naman akong nabunutan ng tinik sa sinabi niya. I was overreacting.

But I am just wondering if we did something intimate after that kiss? But I think it was beyond possible.

Not remembering something is already frustrating, how much more in my case that I lost my entire memory and just only recovered a half of it, maybe.

Dati I was thinking na ayos lang kasi I could still make new memories with my family, and I never really get curious about my past since I have Pearl who keeps on telling me about my past but never did I expect that there are some pieces that she intends to tell me. Yes, I think it was intentional because if not she would be reasonable enough and she would never react like this.

"Why didn't you tell me that Homer dela Conde is the friend of Leandro na kinababaliwan mo ngayon? And why on earth you keep meeting him and, you two are getting close pa," it's Pearl on the other line.

I don't understand why she is suddenly like this. Bigla siyang tumawag sa akin and just bombarded me with several questions.

"I thought Leandro already told you. Besides, why are you acting strange? I remember him, Pearl, he was so good to me. He's taking care of me-"

"Do not bullshit me with your admiration to that man, Penny. You listen to me, stay away from him!"

Here we go again. She wanted me to stay away from him without even giving me a valid reason. Isa pa, she's rarely cuss so I knew pretty well that she is fuming mad right now. She would also not react like this if she does not have a good reason.

"I will stay away from him unless you give me a goddamn reason. Be rational, Pearl. Isa pa, why are you like that?" hindi ko na napigilan ang bibig ko at talagang napataas na ang tono ko kaya pumasok na lang ako sa stockroom ng restaurant ni Homer para makapag-usap kami ni Pearl nang hindi ako naririnig ng iba.

Homer is not inside, nasa labas siya, may kausap.

"Ikaw pa ang may sabi sa akin that I was closed with the dela Condes. Tapos ngayon nagkakaganyan ka?"

"Because I thought you would stop just right there. I never expected you to be as curious as hell in point that you're already meeting him without me knowing," she explained.

I blew a loud breath; I do not know what to say anymore. Galit siya and I do not even get where she is coming from. It's just so sudden that after hearing the name Homer Vaughan dela Conde ay sumabog na siya.

"What if it was Henrik and Hendrix I keep seeing with, would you also react like this?" I just asked. She didn't answer kaya kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko kasabay nang pagpikit ko nang mariin.

That was it! She was like this because it's Homer dela Conde! Now, I am dead curious kung ano ang meron kay Homer at bakit ganyan ang reaction niya. She's Pearl, and she's my friend, I bet she knows something. She's hiding something!

"Wait for me. I know you're at his place. I'm coming," she said before hanging up the call.

I thought bukas pa ang uwi niya?

I just closed my eyes and let out a loud breath.

When I went out to the stockroom after a quarter minutes, ay nagulat ako when I saw Pearl. When she said she's coming, I didn't expect her to come this early! I thought palipad pa lang siya rito. Hindi man ako na-inform palusong na pala siya rito sa restaurant.

I was about to follow her kaya lang napahinto ako, patungo kasi siya sa pintuan papunta sa likuran ng restaurant ni Homer. A man walks after her, it was Homer. And by the way they looked; I think they have something to talk about private dahil sa likod pa talaga sila nagtungo.

I do not mean to intrude in their conversation but I can't help it. I want to know something.

The door was left ajar, making me a chance to peak. They were just facing each other, a meter apart. By the way Pearl stand, at sa pagkunot ng noo niya, I can conclude that she's mad. Then I gazed Homer, and my heart almost fell.

"What do you think you are doing?" Pearl asked him.

Homer didn't answer her, he just keeps on gazing her like he was so sorry. I once saw him looking like that to me, but today, it's different –it's so intense.

"Do you think everything will be okay, after doing it? No!" it was Pearl again.

I don't know how she looks like right now because my eyes were on Homer only.

"Just give me another chance-"

Hindi ko na nasundan pa ang susunod na sinabi ni Homer dahil kusa ng gumalaw ang mga paa ko paalis. Hinubad ko ang apron ko at dali-dali kong kinuha ang sling bag, before I exited his place.

Hindi ko maintindihan ang damdamin ko. I feel so down. I feel so disappointed. I feel so betrayed!

Iyong eksena kanina, what was that all about? What is Pearl's relationship with Homer?

My last recollection was when I kissed Homer, after that what happened next? Did Pearl appear in his life? No. Homer can't do that to me; especially Pearl won't do that to me. We are sworn-sisters. Maybe she has a good reason for keeping me in the dark because if not, I swear to God, I do not know what to feel.

Napalingon ako sa katabi ko nang may winawagayway siyang bagay –a canned beer – sa harap ko habang pinagmamasdan ko ang magandang sunset sa Manila Bay. I decided to go here kasi matapos kong umalis don, I just want to relax my soul as I watch the beautiful scenery. Because accordingly, the most beautiful sunset in the Philippines can be seen in Manila Bay, and it was actually right. It was too beautiful to compare to other beauties.

"I do not know how to comfort a woman, but I think this beer would help. Walang lason iyan, take it," he said then I gladly take it and took a sip of it.

"You know, it's best to share a story to strangers," sabi niya but I didn't bother to talked to him.

I heard him chuckles, then, later on, he started telling a story which I can't follow because my mind is so busy thinking about my own matters. I do not have time to spare for his story.

"Minsan sa sobrang talino natin nakakalimutan na nating pakinggan ang puso natin," then I looked at his face, he looks sad.

"Why would we listen, then?" tanong ko.

I just hope it's worth talking for.

"Because... Our heart tends to remember what the mind forgets," makabuluhan niyang sabi.

"But what if you forgot everything, including your feelings for that person?" I curiously asked.

Nagkatitigan kami. His eyes were lonely.

"Like what I've said, just listen to your heart. Ganito kasi iyan, hindi totoo na nakalimutan ng isip mo ang lahat dahil kung nakalimutan niya na lahat, it wouldn't send a signal to your heart to react every time you're with that person. Your mind may not be in the state to remember information about him, but your system will know he's familiar, because of your emotions, and that emotions came from the signal and hormone that your brain made up. In short, our brain is the master of our body," he said, sounding like a love expert. But I agree with him, the brain indeed is the master of our body.

He talked a lot more about his problem about a girl, but I did not dare to give him advice. This man doesn't need an adviser, he just needs someone to listen so he could lessen the loads to his shoulder.

Nang natapos siya ay tumayo na siya. Madilim na rin pala ngayon, but I am not sure kung anong oras na dahil pinatay ko ang phone ko kanina para walang makaistorbo sa akin. But since we're done talking, I turned on my phone.

He told me he's leaving already kaya tumayo rin ako mula sa pagkakaupo.

"What's your name?" tanong ko sa kanya.

"Is it important? Well, I'm Erwan. No need to introduce yourself, I know you're Chef Penny," sabi niya na ikinagulat ko. Halata siguro ang pagkagulat ko kaya natawa siya nang bahagya, "I was once your customer, and hindi ko kinakalimutan ang pangalan ng mga Chef na paborito ko. Lalo na pag maganda tulad mo."

I was left alone after that conversation. Umupo akong muli. Nang binalingan ko ng pansin ang phone ko ay nagulat ako nang may sunod-sunod na mensahe pala si Pearl at Homer.

Pearl: Where are you?

Pearl: Penny, andito na ako sa unit bakit wala ka pa?

Pearl: I'm sorry about what happened. I'm sorry kung nasigawan kita.

Pearl: Penny, I cooked dinner. Please come home already.

That was her last message. It's past quarter seven in the evening na pala. Maybe she's now worried.

Binasa ko naman ang kay Homer.

Homer: Where are you?

Iyan lang, wala ng iba. And I can't stop myself from thinking if all what he did for me was just for the sake of our friendship? Because if I was right about my conclusion earlier parang ayaw ko ng maalala pang muli ang nakaraan ko. I want to settle with this. If that would mean I would lost one of them or worst both of them then the hell I care with that lost memories!

"I thought you're gone."

Nag-angat ako ng tingin, at napatingin na lang ako taong ngayon at hinahangos. It's Homer with his eyes full of worry. He's just a meter away to me that's why I managed to stand.

I was about to speak and ask him how did he know I was here when he swiftly grabbed me by the arm and embrace me tightly as if he's afraid to lose me.

I was bowled over, unable to speak something.

And if I would listen to what my heart is saying, I would really sound so selfish to say this, pero ayaw kong may mabago sa kung ano man ang meron sa amin ni Homer ngayon, because my system is slowly acknowledging him again. I am starting to like what we have now, and I don't want to go back to the times where I didn't remember him; because honestly, remembering Homer brings a different joy in my heart. I felt contentment. I felt warmth that only he could offer.

To be continued...

Please say something, your words, and thoughts will be very much appreciated. This is just for the evaluation guys. Thanks :)

BTW, I hope you enjoy reading this chapter.