Lost and Found

Chapter 9

Hindi ko alam na literal na tila titigil ang mundo isang punto sa buhay mo. I know I'm glad as f**k to see her face. Pero hindi pala talaga pwedeng puro saya lang. Pag sobra na, may kahalong pait at sakit iyon. Dahil iyon ang nararamdaman ko. Pinaghalo-halong emosyon na kahit kailan ay hindi ko naisip na pwedeng pagsamahin.

I love and hate how different she looks. She's like my Elle but she seems not.

Elle likes her clothes to actually fit. She doesn't wear too girly clothes but she wants them a little trendy yet unique. Its either she wear her hair down or tie it in a messy yet sexy way. She sometimes wear trendy eyeglasses but oftentimes she wears colorless contacts.

Looking at her now... I don't know what to feel. Ang sakit isipin na aabot siya sa ganito para pilitin ang sarili niyang kalimutan ako. All of these for an effort to forget me? If that doesn't bruise my heart and ego, I don't know what will.

I love and hate her too shinny black high heels shoes. I love and hate her long dark blue skirt. I love and hate her loose white blouse and those red checkered neck ties. I love and hate how her now black hair in a tight bun I swear she even sprayed something on it to stay too neat.

Like the way I remember her do it, she crossed her arms on her chest and look up at us on the stage. Whispers from the crowd are still audible. I can hear Jasmine and Kassandra sobbing on the front seats. I can see how Yu run down to her direction but I just don't care.

From afar, I swear she looked at me. Parang namanhid ang buo kong katawan. I can barely feel my feet. With those too proper-looking eyeglasses, I swear she looked at me.

Matagal niya akong tinitigan na parang sinusukat iyong kakayahan niyang tagalan na makita ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ang sakit isipin na kaya na niya. Na unti-unti... nararamdaman ko ang tuluyan niyang pagkawala sa'kin. Kasi kahit malayo siya, alam kong pag-aari ako ang parte ng lahat sa kanya. Pero ngayong palapit siya ng palapit, atsaka ko nararamdaman na pawala siya nang pawala. It's so ironic.

Sa bawat hakbang niya palapit, parang dibdib ko yung tinatapakan niya. I know I want her here but I don't want her moving on. Call me selfish or whatever but that's how I feel!

Mula sa mabagal niyang paglakad ay may tatlong babaeng sumalubong sa kanya. They are all wearing the same school uniform. Elle has always been the friendly one but I never imagined her befriending these kind of girls. The out-of-the-cliques types. Nerds, geeks or whatever you call 'em.

Tuloy tuloy siya palapit hanggang makasalubong niya si Yu at akbayan siya nito paakyat ng maliit na entablado. She's just a few feet away from me and my heart started to pound like it wanna go out of my rib cage.

Zee's smirking evilly at her while Ei hug her for a second. All the while she's just seriously looking at me. Hindi man nahahalata pero alam kong nanginginig ang mga tuhod ko. She's still the only girl who can make me tremble. And I don't even have the right to imagine the prospect of me and her together anymore.

Until she smiled at me. f**k!

Hindi ko maintindihan! My feelings are so complex! Hindi ko maintindihan kung paanong ang saya-saya ko dahil nakikita ko siya pero ang sakit-sakit kasi... nakikita ko siya. Hindi ko alam kung paano akong nakakaramdam ng sakit habang tinitingnan ang ngiti niyang matagal kong inaalala lang!

It's not even an angry or sarcastic smile. It's a genuine, almost sad and... regretful kinda smile. f**k! How can I be this crazy because of a simple smile?!

"So what's your song dear cousin?" Zee smiled playfully.

Mula sa akin ay lumipat ang ngiti niya kay Zee. I wanna punch the guy for ruining the moment. I want all her smiles and attention only for me kahit gaano kasakit iyon.

Hindi siya sumagot sa tanong ni Zee.p Instead, kinuha niya lang mula dito ang mikropono maging ang isang pang gitara. Lumapit siya sa akin... at lumampas patungo sa microphone stand at inilagay doon ang mic. Napakurap-kurap ako at nakita ko ang nang-aasar na ngisi ni Yu. I discretely showed him my middle finger.

Lumayo ako pero bahagya lang. Tamang distansya para matugtog ang gitara. Tumayo siya sa harap ng mikropono at sinuyod ng tingin ang mga tao. I know how the crowd makes her feel giddy. She smiled at them.

"This is long overdue... but I'll sing it anyway."

She started to play the guitar in a very familiar song. Parang kudlit sa puso ko ang bawat kalabit niya sa gitara. Malungkot siyang ngumiti habang nakatingin sa bawat pagtipa niya sa chords. She missed playing. I know she missed it. Kahit ang sakit sakit para sa akin, nagsimula akong tugtugin ang kanta na gusto niya. Each one of us accompanied her rhythm, seconds later we're playing that perfect harmony.

"After all these wasted nights, I can’t pretend that I’m doing fine..."

Napapikit ako habang pinapakinggan ang lamyos ng kanyang boses. I waited so long for this. I'm willing to listen to her every painful song if that's way she can forgive me.

"I’ve played it back a thousand times,

But now I see it And I realize,

That the damage is done and it’s obvious,

We can never go back to the way it was,

We’re drifting apart and it’s killing us, It’s killing us..."

I can still remembered her startled face as I announced that one great lie to make her stay. I can still remember the pain she tried to hide with a smile. She even said congratulations! Habang umiisip ako ng paraan kung paano ko papatayin ang sarili ko sa kagaguhang iyon.

"Farewell... I didn’t mean to let you...

Let you down, mess it up,

We both knew we couldn’t last forever,

It’s coming down I’ve had enough,

I guess we crumbled under all the pressure,"

I watched her as the every word she sings shoot bullets to me. I know she never sings a song she doesn't mean... and she's right that this song has been long overdue. Dahil umalis siya nang hindi nagpapaalam... nang walang kahit anong salita.

"Did my best for what it’s worth,

And I gave you all this heart can give so,

Farewell... I didn’t mean to let you... down."

Natapos ang mall show nang 'di ko namalayan. Sa tingin ko nakatunganga lang ako sa kanya the whole time. Naalala kong gusto ko na ngang bumaba sa entablado para panoorin na lang siya mula sa baba.

Paulit-ulit nilang inabot pabalik sa akin ang mikropono pero blangko lang ang utak ko kaya tinanggihan ko iyon.  I can't think of any song to sing. Na parang wala akong karapatang kumanta ng kahit ano dahil lahat ng kantang nais ko, mauuwi sa pagmamakaawa sa kanya.

We're inside a food chain nang muling bumaling ang tingin niya sa akin. Napatuwid ako ng upo at napalunok. Napakurap siya ng isang beses at muling tumingin kay Yu at ngumiti.

Kanina pa ako naiirita dito sa Yu na 'to. Kanina pa ang pang-asar na tingin at ngisi niya sa akin na alam kong nang-iinggit. Tangina niya!

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit sumama pa sa amin sina Jasmine, Kass at Abril. Kinakausap naman niya sina Kass at Abril pero ni hindi niya tinitingnan ang maluha-luhang si Jasmine.

"These are my friends. Christine, Jonna and Grace." Pakilala niya sa tatlong kasama niyang nerdy-looking na katulad niya.

May kipkip pang makakapal na libro at ang tinawag niyang Christine at may braces pa si Jonna. I can't believe she'll be friends with these girls. I don't have anything against these kind of group but Elle usually belong to the popular cliques. Hindi iyong sa tingin ko ay laging nagkakabisa ng formulas kahit nasa ibabaw ng inidoro.

I used to think of girls like them to recite some formulas while I do them so it turns me off. Pero siguro kung Elle ang gagawa noon sa ibabaw ko, I'll be dead. Damn! Why am I suddenly thinking of Elle that way?!

I watched how she opened her eyes to say something. Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko para pigilan ang maduduming ideya.

"I'm glad you found good friends, after all." Abril smiled.

"Of course. And I'm sure they won't betray me in any matter." She smirked in a foreign way.

Nahuli ko ang bahagya niyang pagtaas ng kilay kay Jasmine na namutla sa kanyang sinabi. Napakunot ang aking noo. Lahat ay nagulat sa kanyang sinabi. Elle doesn't talk with the intention to hurt someone. And she just did. She doesn't even look sorry about it.

Yu cracked a joke that suddenly made everyone throw their head back laughing. While I'm left looking at Elle. Hindi lang pala siya sa pisikal nagbago. Pero sino ako para magsalita? It's boastful to say but I know I made her this way. She was the perfect soft-spoken yet lively girl and I broke her heart countless times.

"Ako na nga ang magbabayad, Elle!" Pasikat ni Yu habang tinatanggihan ang perang inaabot ni Elle.

"No, its okay. Apat pati kami, nakakahiya—"

"Nakakahiya? Konyatan kita diyan! Kailan ka pa natutong mahiya sa'kin? Natutulog ka nga sa kama ko at sinusuot ang underwears ko—ahhray! Joke lang! Joke lang!"

Nagkikiskis ang ngipin ko sa inis habang pinapanood si Elle na nanggigigil na kinurot si Yu sa tagiliran.

Dumating si Ei kasama ang waiters na may dala ng orders namin. Ibinaba niya sa table ang paid bills at napanganga doon si Yu.

"Damnit, Ei! Ako nga kasi ang magbabayad kay Elle? Pasikat ka na naman e! Ikaw na nga nagbayad last month noong kumain tayo sa—"

"You were with Elle last month?"

Hindi ko namalayan ang pagtaas ng boses ko. Tumingin sa'kin si Elle at napaiwas ako ng tingin. Ibinaba ko ang nakakuyom na palad para itago ang panggigigil kong sapakin ang tatlong ugok. Mga tarantado! They are all seeing her behind my back! Akala ko ay si Zee lang dahil pinsan niya 'yun! Tapos si Yu dahil saksakan ng kulit iyan. Tapos ngayon pati pala si Ei? I thought she wants to be away! Took a break from everything! Maybe it was just away from me, huh. Damn, that stung!

"And the other month, and the last month and every month!" Nakangisi pa sa'kin si Yu na parang batang naka-isa. Gago talaga.

I bared my teeth at him in a sarcastic smile while Ei just cleared his throat and looked away from my glare.

I saw Elle's still looking at me with thoughtful expression. I wanna look away but the same time I don't. I just wanna get lost in her eyes. She cleared her throat and look down on her foods.

I wish we can look at each other's eyes without pain, longing and regret. Every time I look at her makes me want to weep. Even before. Its like looking at the my most wanted wish while knowing I can't have it.

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