So Confused

Chapter 11

Semestral break came and I had decided na sa apartment lang talaga ako. I invited Zylea but she said na tutulong siya sa family business nila dahil nagmumukha na daw siyang walang silbing anak. Good for her kasi hindi siya napabayaan ng parents niya kahit maunlad ang business nila. Her parents are really kind, dumalaw na ako dun dati at nag baking session pa kami nila tita. She cancelled her meeting with some clients dahil minsan lang daw magdala ng bisita si Zylea. A thing which my dad won’t ever do. And now, kuya’s turning into someone business minded too.

I was looking in the ceiling when I thought of visiting Hazel. Her house is not far. Maybe I can start cleaning tomorrow. Mayroon pa naman akong halos 2 linggo pa para sa paglilinis. I’d like to give myself first a good vacation.

I opened my f*******: para imessage si Hazel but she was offline, nag iwan na lang akong ng message na pupunta ako sakanila. I was scrolling on my newsfeed when Karlwin called me.

“Hello?”

“Hey” He replied

“What do you need?” I asked him.

Ngayon ko na lang ulit siya nakausap. Hindi siya tumawag ng dalawang araw. Busy siguro dahil graduating siya. I got used to him calling. Lagi siyang natawag pag gabi to talk about random things, some are weird like how could he get the stars. He presented various ways like creating the tallest ladder in the world that can reach the stars. Hindi ko alam sa kanya. I’m realistic but I don’t want to kill the conversation by saying that he can’t reach it. Kaya ayon, sinabayan ko na lang.

“You angry?” He asked

“Why would I get angry sa dalawang araw na hindi ka tumawag?” I sarcastically said.

I don’t want to get clingy and all. Wala naman akong dapat ikagalit. I should be thankful kasi kinakausap niya ko, and him not calling is a thing I should not get angry about. In the first place, choice niya naman kung gusto niya akong makausap o hindi diba?

He chuckled on the other line. “I got busy. I’ll treat you dinner as my payback.”

Hindi ako sumagot. I don’t know. To be honest, may part saakin na nainis talaga nung hindi na siya tumawag, but theres this part na sinasabing maging mature ako. He haven’t cleared his intentions yet, and assuming thing will just lead me to disappointments.

“Amelie? Sunduin kita jan mamayang 5:30 okay?”

I sighed and said yes. Alam ko naman sa sarili ko na gusto ko, besides wala naman akong gagawin sa dalawang linggo na ito.

After karlwin called me ay pumunta na ako kila hazel. I just wear my usual Jogger and plain shirt. Walking distance lang naman yung bahay nila kaya no need to be too formal.

When I reached their gate ay isinigaw ko ang pangalan niyan. I’m hoping na hindi siya nakaheadset. Sanay pa naman yun na making ng music lalo na kapag mag isa siya. Good thing that in a few call ay lumabas naman siya.

“Amelie” She said and flashed her awkward smile.

She looked weird. Gulo gulo ang buhok niya.

“Are you doing something?” I asked her. Baka nakakaabala ako sakanya.

She seemed shock. Nanlaki kasi ang mata niya. Kahit may reading glasses siya ay halata yun. Malabo kasi ang mata niya.

“Ah—“

“I’m sorry, busy ka ata. Tatambay lang sana ako”

She again smiled awkwardly “Ah, wala naman akong ginagawa.” She said

Napatango na lang ako at tiningnan siya. She is really a mistery to me. Very unpredicted ang mga galaw niya. She is always silent.

“Tara?”

We entered their house. Wala ang parents niya. Laging nasa ibang bansa kasi dun nakabase ang business nila. Kaya lumaking anti-social si Hazel kasi laging walang kasama. Ayaw niya naman daw ng may yaya kasi nagmumukha daw siyang disabled.

“Juice?” She asked

“Ah yes, pineapple” I replied.

Naupo ako sa sofa nila at kinuha ang magazine sa may mesa.

Napakaformal ng bahay nila. Alam niyo yun? Yung simple pero elegant ang pagka-arrange ng loob. Mayroong clear glass na table at hindi naman kalakihang chandelier. Tas mula sa kinakaupuan mo, makikita mo yung stairs papuntang second floor. Plus yung ambiance, mahahalata mong tahimik na tao ang nakatira.

Nilapag ni hazel ang juice sa mesa at saka naupo sa harap ko. Ah uh. This feels awkward. Ang tahimik niya kasi, eh hindi naman ako madaldal na tao kaya pag magkasama kami ay super awkward. If Zylea was around, she’s probably talking about so many unimportant things.

“Hindi uuwi parents mo?” I asked her. Ako na ang nagbubukas ng conversation dahil kung hihintayin ko si Hazel ay aabutin ako ng alas singko sa pag hihintay.

“Ah hindi. They are still fixing some problems sa England.”

“You’re two weeks must be dead lonely.” I said.

“I’m used to being alone.”

Ngumiti ako ng tipid sakanya.

“Do you wanna watch some movies?” She asked.

Tumango naman ako sakanya. She stood up at nalaglag ang cellphone niyang nakapatong sa lap niya. She seems uneasy. Lagi niya naman akong nakakasama, hindi pa rin ba siya sanay sa presence ko?

“Ah, kunin ko lang yung CD’s ko sa taas.” Paalam niya at saka dali daling umakyat sa taas.

I followed her hanggang sa taas, bago pa siya pumasok sa kwarto niya ay tumingin pa siya sa akin.

‘weird’

I browsed into the magazine I’m holding. Puro yun mga fashion models sa ibang bansa. I don’t get them. Ang iba ay super ikli ng mga bangs at hindi bumabagay ang eyeshadow. Yung ibang blue ang eyeshadow tapos colorful ang damit. I’m not good with fashion, hindi ko rin alam kung anong standard nila ng maganda, but for me, it was absurd.

“Ikaw na lang ang pumili.” She said at inabot sa akin ang kahon na may CD’s

I looked at her. Pawis na pawis siya.

“Are you okay Hazel? You seemed uneasy.”

“Ah, oo. I’m just not used to visitors.”

I chuckled. “Palagi naman tayong magkasama ah. Are you keeping something ?”

Lalong nanlaki ang mga mata niya. I’d like to tease her more pero baka lalo pa siyang maawkward sa akin.

“Wa-Wala naman.” She said and averted her gaze.

“I won’t force you to tell me, but if you want to talk about something, I guess I can share my opinions”

She stared at me like she was arguing with herself kung sasabihin niya pa. But she ended up with a sigh.

“I’m sorry Amelie” She just said habang nakatungo ang ulo

“It’s okay. Cheer up”

“No, I’m sorry. I can’t tell you yet.”

Tumayo ako at tumabi sa kanya, napaigtad naman siya. “Let’s just watch a movie.” I said and smiled at her.

I scanned different CD’s na inoffer ni Hazel and we chose to watch Alladin, yung recent version.

Isinalang ko yung habang kumukha siya ng snacks sa kusina. Balita ko maganda daw ang movie na ito.

Umupo ako sa upuan ko at nagpicture. I posted it on my myday at ti-nag ko pa si Hazel.

Madami kaagad nagreact. Nagmessage pa si Zylea na naiinggit daw siya, the same thing with Maki.

Karlwin messages also. Tinatanong kung nasaan ako, but I choose not to reply kasi baka pumunta pa siya bigla. Bigla bigla nilang kasi siyang sumusulpot kahit hindi ko naman sinasabi sakanya ang whereabouts ko. Sometimes its creeping me out.

Suddenly my phone rang for an incoming call, it was Karlwin

“Seener” pambungad niya.

Napangiti naman ako. I imagine his face frowning.

“I’m with my friend”

“Lalaki ba yan?” he asked

“If you think that Hazel is a name for a guy, siguro nga lalaki siya.”

“AMELIE!” he sounded na parang naasar.

“What Karlwin?” I said smiling, gusto kong matawa sa tono niya. He is like a jealous boyfriend.

“Is it a boy or a girl?”

“Babae si hazel okay?”

“There. Madali naman palang sagutin. Andami mo pang logic.”

“Whatever Karlwin. Let’s talk later. Manunuod na kami ng movie.”

“Okay. Basta dinner mamaya ha?”

“Opo Engr. Rivarez”

I didn’t hear any reply after that. Tiningnan ko kung endcall na pero nandun pa naman yung call.

“Hoy?” I called

“Ang sarap sa tainga.” He said

“Huh?” I frowned. May naglilinis ba sa tainga niya ngayon?

“You, calling me engineer.”

This time ako ang natahimik, I smiled. I never thought that would be special to him. “Kilig ka naman.”

“Oo”

My eyes widen. Pucha, akala ko magdedeny man lang siya. “Sige na babaye na” paalam ko na lang at mabilis na pinatay ang tawag.

Ano ba tong pinaparamdam niya. Whenever I tried to put some punchlines, ako pa yung nagugulat. He always have his ways of making me dumbfounded. Arg, Karlwin.

I breathed and smiled. Nagulat ako nung nakatingin sa akin si Hazel na nakaupo na pala sa may gilid ko.

Napaigtad ako ng slight. Nakatabingi kasi yung ulo niya habang nakatingin sa akin.

“You seemed happy”

“Hindi ah. Natawa lang ako sa kausap ko”

Tumingin siya sa akin at tumango.

“Is it your teammate na binaggit dati ni Zy?”

“Levian? No. Si Zylea lang naman ang nag pupush nun.”

Tumango tango ulit siya

“You haven’t yet introduced a guy after your break up with Jolo. Wala ka pa bang nagugustuhan?” she asked.

“I just don’t want to enter another pointless ass relationship. Sayang lang sa oras”

“You haven’t liked anyone yet?”

Napatingin ako sakanya. Someone? I don’t know if this is liking, but I know I feel different about Karlwin.

“Wala” sagot ko na lang. Ayaw kong magkwento muna. Ayaw kong magmadali sa nararamdaman ko. I had stayed alone for 2 years and it was the most productive and best years of my life.

“Galit ka pa rin ba kay Jolo?”

Hindi ako nakasagot agad. I remembered the day na nalaman kong may iba siya. Inalala ko yung mga araw na walang tigil akong umiyak para sakanya.

‘Why?’ I asked him. He was standing in front of me. Nakayuko dahil siguro sa hiya na nararamdaman niya tungkol sa nalaman ko.

‘4 years Jolo. Bakit?’ I calmly asked him. I don’t want yet to show my rage. I’ll try to understand him. At the first place hindi ko rin naman naprovide lahat ng dapat kong iprovide para sa relationship namin. So I’m waiting for his answer. Maybe it was reasonable enough for me to give this relationship a chance.

But he didn’t answer. I asked him repeatedly until I cannot control my emotions already. Sinapak ko siya. Ang sakit. It was tearing me into billions of pieces. He was the guy I was expecting to treat me better. Dad has been very strict and violent, kuya was ignoring my existence. He was the last resort I was expecting to change my mindset for a man. But he just f*****g prove me that I deserve these kind of treatments.

‘I fall out of love Amelie’ he reasoned out.

Nanghihina akong sumandal sa railings. 3 slaps and I felt like my energy was dosing off. I forced myself not to cry. That’s just atleast the last piece remaining to me. I will not cry for an asshole.

With my last remaining energy, I slapped him once more. ‘I wish not to see you again’ I said that and left.

“I don’t know if its anger I’m still feeling. I remembered everything, but when I see him, I just…”

I looked at her “Don’t feel anything” I continued.

It’s true. If I am angry with Jolo, I’ll slap him, I’ll rant everything out, but I don’t. Kahit nga humingi ng closure hindi ko gagawin. I don’t know but I just don’t feel like I still need to connect myself to him, kahit pa sa pakiramdam ng galit. I don’t want to give him anything even rage.

She didn’t respond. Uminom siya ng juice niya at nanuod na ng movie.

“How about you? You haven’t told us anything about someone special?”

He averted her gaze again “I don’t have someone special” She replied without looking to me

Siguro ayaw niyang pag usapan ang mga ganitong bagay. Maybe she is feeling awkward. Kahit rin naman siguro ako, but if I have someone now, I will tell them. Hindi nga lang ngayon dahil wala pa namang confirmation sa nararamdaman ko.

We continued watching the movie until it finished. It was 2 pm ng magpaalam akong uuwi na. Baka kasi dalhin nanaman ni Levian si Morris sa bahay.

But when I got home, wala namang bakas na pumunta siya. Until it was already time for Karlwin’s dinner.

Nagbihis ako ng maayos at hinintay na lang ang tawag niya.