Last of May

13 – Promises I can’t keep

[Present]

“Toby’s parents called. They’re getting rid of his things,” matigas ang ekspresyong aniya habang nagpapasalit-salit sa amin ni Leo ang tingin. “Tumawag sila sa akin para tanungin kung may gusto akong itabi sa mga ‘yon. I decided to go back because I had to… check on something—bukod sa malapit nang death anniversary niya. At tulad nila Tito Ted, tingin ko panahon na rin para umusad sa nangyari… taon pagkalipas nang pagkawala niya.”

Kumapa ako ng mga salita upang sabihin ngunit wala akong nahanap. He stayed connected with Toby’s parents all this time?

A sour taste seized my mouth.

I didn’t know he was that close with them. Actually, I didn’t know much about him then… at kung bakit… kung bakit nahantong ang lahat sa gabing iyon.

“Guess they haven’t moved on from his death after all these years,” anas nang hindi pa rin makapaniwalang si Leo.

“We haven’t.”

Pareho kaming natahimik ng huli at walang nasabi. So he was here for Toby. He came back for Toby.

“The others are saying the same thing,” ani Leo matapos dumungaw sa sariling phone. Kunot ang noo niya nang bumagsak ang may puno nang pag-aalinlangang mata sa taong nakaupo sa harap namin. “They all remembered that you died four years ago.”

Tamad itong nagkibit ng balikat bago humalukipkip. “What am I, then? Multo? Reincarnation? Dopelganger?” Sabay kunot-noong tumawa nang walang halong humor. “Time traveller?”

Nahigit ko ang hininga nang dumapo sa akin ang seryoso niyang mga mata.

“Muntik na akong mamatay… pero malinaw pa rin sa ‘kin ang mga taong lumipas. Wala akong nakalimutan. At lalong sigurado akong hindi ako namatay.”

I gulped the sob threatening to escape on my throat.

“This is f*****g strange. It doesn’t make any sense. Kung buhay ka sa kabila ng mga taong inakala naming patay ka na… then where are our memories of your death came from? Paanong iyon ang naalala namin kung hindi iyon ang totoo?” As soon as I heard Leo uttered this, the words suddenly sounded familiar to me.

Collective false memories. This could be one of those. A recollection of events that never actually happened. A memory distortion.

“Psedomemories,” I muttered, almost inaudible.

“What did you say?”

Sinalubong ko ang nag-aabang na mga mata ni Leo. “If we all remembered that he died that night but he actually didn’t… then the only logical explanation is that we all remembered it wrong.”

Mas lalong kumunot ang noo niya sa turan ko. Sumulyap ako sa taong nasa harap at naabutan ang pananatili nang mabibigat nitong titig.

“It’s the Mandela effect.

“I’ve read about it years ago. And if I remembered correctly, there was a paranormal consultant with the name Fiona who detailed how she remembered Nelson Mandela dying in prison in 1980s. She said that she even remembered the news coverage of his death and a speech from his wife. Other people thought the same exact thing as her. But none of it really happened because Nelson Mandela lived until 2013. That’s why it’s called after his name.”

“I think Toby mentioned something like that on one of his random weird stuff before,” ani Leo, ang pagkamangha ay bakas sa ekspresyon.

In science, it was a form of confabulation, or at least what the doctors wanted to call it. They said that a person created a false memory without intending to lie or deceive others. But instead, they were just attempting to fill in gaps in their own memory and some of it were close to what really occured.

Leo snapped his fingers as if a thought hit him. “Oh, that’s right! Alternate universe. Iyon ang binanggit niya. I’m not really one to believe conspiracy theory or whatever the hell that is. But Toby said that those crazyasses conspiracy theorist believed that Mandela effect is one proof of alternate universe.”

“Alternate universe isn’t the same as a parallel universe, right?”

Leo shook his head. “Alternate universe have only one or two key differences with the one we’re in right now. While parallel universe have the same people in it with different events altogether. Kung tama ang pagkakaintindi ko sa mga sinabi ni Toby, parallel universes or multiverse exists with the multiple paths a decision could lead.

“For example, nagkita tayo ngayon dahil pumunta ako rito. Pero kung nagdesisyon akong hindi umuwi, hindi tayo magkikita. Then there’s probably a parallel universe where we didn’t meet.”

I nodded okay in understanding.

Nagpatuloy si Leo, “Pero dahil isang bagay lang ang diperensya sa atin nang nangyari noon—which is his death, then it’s an alternate universe—or so they say. At may posibilidad na naglakbay o nag-overlap ang utak natin sa alternate universe na ‘yon. And the memory from that dimension is what causes our false memories.

“And since it’s almost the whole of our school, or probably the entire town… which is a large group of people… who believed that he really died… then it can be called collective false memories like what you said.”

Pare-pareho kaming natahimik tatlo matapos magsalita ni Leo, tila sinusubukang i-sink in ang mga iyon sa isip.

“So why did we think he died when he actually didn’t?” Sabay naming tinapunan ng tingin ang taong nasa harap.

“Because I was gone after that. I left without a word.”

Nagtaasan ang mga balahibo ko sa mga titig niya at kung paanong sa wakas ay nabibigyang linaw at nagtatagpi-tagpi ang lahat.

He almost died that night. And we all thought he died because he left without a trace and we never saw him again. And after the shock of what happened, we never get the chance to talk about any of it. Leo and I parted ways from the others too.

Our mind must’ve created some false memories to fill in the gaps of his disappearance and misremembered it as his death, given that I almost thought he died at our last encounter. And our memories of the preceding death of Toby a year before probably played a part from it as well.

“It’s still strange but that makes sense.” Sumulyap sa akin si Leo.

Muli kaming binalot nang katahimikan. Halos wala nang tao sa loob ng 711 nang sandali ko itong malingunan. Ilang minuto makalipas ang alas dies, iyon ang nakita kong nakarehistro sa orasang nasa loob.

Hindi ko napansin ang paglipas ng oras. At matapos kong makumpirmang totoo ang mga nangyayari’y parang ayaw ko nang lumipas pa ang sandali. Dahil may takot pa rin sa akin na baka bawiin ang lahat ng ito. Na baka paggising ko kinabukasan ay matanto kong pinaglalaruan lang ako ng isip ko.

I didn’t want it to end yet. I didn’t want to leave him yet with the fear of waking up with the truth.

“Are you staying here for good?” tanong ni Leo rito makalipas ang ilang sandali.

“Depende. Hindi ko pa sigurado,” matabang nitong tugon, ang seryosong mga mata’y nakatanaw na sa kawalan.

“Nakausap mo na ba sila Tito Ted?”

“Hindi pa. Kadarating ko lang at…” Muling bumagsak sa akin ang mga mata nito at hindi na dinugtungan pa ang sinabi.

Napasulyap sa akin si Leo nang mapansin ito. Kumunot nang bahagya ang noo niya bago tumikhim.

“Si Toby lang ba talaga ang dahilan kung bakit ka bumalik?” Nahimigan ko ang kasarkastikuhan sa boses ng huli.

“Like I said, I had to check on something.” Hilaw ang ngisi ng taong nasa harap namin nang sinuklian si Leo ng tingin. Ang mga mata’y tila pagod nang mabigat na bumuntonghininga matapos. “Masyado na yatang gumagabi. Baka nakakaistorbo na ako. We should end it here.”

Umawang ang mga labi ko sa tangkang pag-apila. Parang gusto kong mataranta nang matantong dito na ito magtatapos.

Hindi pa man ako nakakapagsalita nang tumayo na ito. Sunod si Leo. Malakas ang pintig ng puso ko sa pagtutol nang sumunod ako sa pagtayo nila.

“Una na ‘ko.” Tumango ito sa amin bago tumalikod.

Lumunok ako habang pinagmamasdan ang likuran nitong palayo. Humakbang ako ng isa.

“Let’s go home.”

Malapit na itong makalayo nang tuluyan. Humakbang muli ako ng isa, nanlalabo na ang paningin.

“Rai?”

Isa pa muling mabagal na abante na siyang sinundan nang magkakasunod na hakbang.

“Sandali!”

Hawak ko ang braso niya nang mapahinto siya sa paglakad. Isang lingon pabalik sa akin at nakita ko ang gulat sa mukha niya nang makita ako.

“Rai…”

“Sandali… sandali lang…” Humigpit ang hawak ko sa braso niya kasabay nang pagbigat ng paghinga at pamumuo ng mga luha ko.