Rainbow after the Storm (Taglish)

Grieving soul

First Person's P.O.V

Bakit kaya lahat ng mahalaga sa atin ay madali lang mawala? Bakit kaya kung sino pa itong gusto mong makasama ng matagal pa ay siya rin itong binabawi ng diyos ng maaga? Why from all people out there those who we treasure the most is likely to hurt us bigtime.

I stopped from what I've been doing and smile weakly of those painful painted memories clouded in my mind. Sa sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko para akong unting-unting pinapatay. It's still hurts so bad, masakit pa rin sa akin na wala na siya. . .na wala na iyong babaeng mahal na mahal ko.

Hindi ko yata kakayanin.

I've have been questioning God for so many times. Bakit sa dinami-dami ng tao sa mundo siya pa? Bakit siya pa na ngayon ko lang nahanap. It took me many years on finding her, halos sumuko na nga ako tapos. . .tapos mawawala lang siya sa akin ng isang iglap.

Hindi ko ba deserve na mahalin siya?

I can't help but to cry again and again. Hindi ko kasi matanggap. Paano ba kasi ako aahon kung lunod na lunod ako sa kalungkutan. They say na iyong mga lalaki ay tigasin, na hindi madaling umiyak sa nga bagay-bagay which is wrong. It doesn't mean that we're a man ay hindi na kami iiyak. Hindi porket lalaki kami ay wala na kaming kahinaan. We have feelings too and we can be hurt. And she's my weakness, Lyrae is my biggest downfall.

I've been trying to endure the pain these past few days. Kinakaya kong tiisin kasi kailangan. Sino ang dadamay sa akin ngayong mag-isa ako. My Mom was abroad with Dad and my siblings too. I don't have a certain friend that I can talk to except those three. Alam ko rin naman na pareho lang kami ng pinagdadaanan ngayon. But mine was too deep and the wound I have bleeds nonstop.

But how long I can endure this everyday?

What should I do? I will just ignore this? Paano? E, simpleng bagay nga na nagpapa-alala sa akin kay Lyrae ay bumibigay nga ang puso ko. Naiiyak na ako at hindi ko na alam kung makaka-move on pa kaya ako.

What a life! Minsan na nga lang ako magmahal, nasaktan pa sa huli. Totoo nga na loving means hurting along the process. Pero kahit titiisin ko alam ko namang hindi ko kaya eh! Hindi pa ako handa na humakbang at iwan ang mga ala-ala naming dalawa. Hindi pa ako handa na ibaon na sa limot at tanggapin na wala na talaga siya.

Saying goodbye to someone you love is hard, it is f*cking hard. Acceptance? Hindi ko kaya hindi ko pa tanggap. Some goodbyes are not permanent pero mayroon ding pamamaalam na panghabang buhay na. In my case, I'll be going to say goodbye to her forever.

Hindi ko siya mayayakap ulit, makakasama, makita siyang ngumiti at makita siyang sumaya. I'll going to miss her for the rest of my life. Siguro nga hanggang dito na lang talaga. Siguro hanggang sa imahinasyon ko na lang siya makikita ulit.

Sana pala hindi ko na lang siya nakilala 'no. Sana hindi ko na lang siya nakita noon sa hospital. Sana pala hindi ko na lang iniwan si Mama sa ward. If I know that I will suffer all of these ay sana iniwasan ko na lang. Ang dami kong sana, ang dami kong bakit at ang dami kong regrets.

But somehow, loving her is the best thing I did in my entire life. It was hard to start again but I will try. Even if it s hard, magpapatuloy ako. I will try to move on even it my mind keeps telling me that I should still hold on.

* * *

"Uy Eman, sabay ka na sa amin! Iisa lang naman destination natin." I shake my head as a response and put my hands in the pocket of my hoodie. I smile a little showing my reassurance.

"I'm fine. Susunod na lang ako sa inyo. No need to worry, I have car with me and I can manage." They're bit hesitant, I can see it in their faces but nod with my reply. Naglakad na ako papunta sa kotse ko at ini-start ang engine. I start to follow them while I play the stereo to listen a song. But, mali yata ang desisyon kong nagpatugtog ako.

The song played in the stereo was familiar and makes my heart ached and bleed even more, bumuka pa iyong sugat.

I'm still lost, I admit that. Nevertheless, I'm still trying to follow the path that I need to walk on. Picking up the pieces that been broke. Keep trying, keep holding and keep motivating myself that I can overcome this.

'I want you to know that'

'If I can be close to you, I settled for the ghost to you'

'I miss you more than life'

Napahawak na lang ako ng mahigpit sa steering wheel. With throbbing heart, aching and crying with so much agony. I still manage to focus to prevent myself from getting accident. Nanunubig na rin ang mata ko. I inhale deeply and look upwards to hold my tears. D*mn this!

Huminto muna ako ng mag-green light. And there, bumuhos naman iyong luha na kanina ko pa pinipigilan na parang bang ilog na walang tigil sa pag-agos. What a traitor! I wiped my tears that stubbornly fell from my eyes. The light turns to red again and I quickly maneuver the car. But still, my eyes won't stop from producing tears. Mariin kong kinagat ang pang-ibabang labi ko upang pigilang mapahikbi.

Lyrae, why did you leave me all of sudden? Bakit 'di mo sinabi sa akin na may dinadamdam ka pala? Is it because you don't want me to get hurt? Pero mas masakit e, mas masakit na malaman ko ng biglaan.

Ang sakit pa rin. . .ang sakit-sakit pa rin.

Pagdating namin sa aming destinasyon ay bumaba ako agad. Gabi na at alas-syete na ng gabi. Our class ended at five in the afternoon and it took us two hours to travel here. Actually, ako iyong nag-suggest sa kanila na pumunta dito for two reasons. First, because this place is peaceful and quiet. Makakapag-relax ka talaga after a stressful day at maganda sa stargazing. Second, it's because this place is memorable for me. Dito namin namin kinompleto ni Lyrae iyong mga wishlist niya. D*mn it! How can I move on if I'm still in-denial? Pero kasi. . .hindi ko pa kaya. Kahit ngayon lang, last na talaga 'to. Just this once and I will stop from being delusional.

A tap in the shoulder back me into my senses. I compose my self and look at the owner. . . It was Fred.

"Dude, lalim ng iniisip mo a! May problema ba?" He ask in a worried tone. I fake laugh and smile at him. Hiding my real emotion as of moment.

Umakbay lang ako sa kaniya at nagkunwaring okay. As far as I want to tell them what's bothering me, but, I need to keep it myself.

Nandito kami upang mag-chill tapos bibigyan ko pa sila ng iisipin.

"Ako? May problema? No, I'm just thinking of something, no need to worry." I give him my signature grin. But the truth is I want to burst out gain and again.

Mamaya na siguro, kapag tulog na sila.

Naglatag na sila ng blanket at kaniya-kaniya na silang kumakain ngayon. They bring so many foods, niyaya pa nga nila ako but I refuse. Hindi kasi ako nakakaramdam ng gutom simula kanina pa, all I have in mind is her. . . again and again. Siya na naman. 'Di bale na, last na talaga 'to.

Nakahiga ako ngayon sa bubong ng aking kotse. Looking at the stars twinkling from above and wishing na sana may dumaang shooting star.

You know why? It's because may hihilingin lang sana ako. But, I know that this wish will never happen anymore. Hindi na babalik ang babaeng pinakamamahal ko kahit na sa panaginip man lang.

Natapos na lang silang magkuwentohan ay nasa taas pa rin ako ng kotse. They're now sleeping inside the SUV. Tulala pa rin ako at walang imik. The cold melancholic wind touches my skin, I starts to get emotional. I couldn't keep holding back anymore, I burst out all my tears and cried hard. I show my vulnerable state and the galaxy and stars witness how a mess and very miserable man I am.

"L-lyrae, c-can you teach me how to move on? Kasi. . .parang hindi ko kaya e! I didn't know in how to move forward at kalimutan ka, h-hindi k-ko kaya. Sobrang mahal na mahal na mahal kita! And forgetting you is a torture to me. If I will forget you, it's equal on commiting a suicide. I-i just can't," I sob even more. Sumisikip na ang dibdib ko dahil sa sakit na aking naramdaman.

"Please, tell me how can I forget you? Your loss is my downfall. Sobrang sakit ng pagkawala mo, Lyrae. Please, tell me how can I move forward, this hurts me more and I am not sure if I can bear it any longer."