Over the Mountain

CHAPTER 22: DECISION

CHAPTER 22: DECISION

Lying to my parents isn’t my thing. And I could not remember a moment where I lied to my parents this hard. Light lies, yes, I do. But this one, no. I haven’t lied to them like this before. But what I can do? I just can’t show up in front of my parents with swollen eyes, running nose, and red skin face because of so much crying.

I lied that I am busy with my school activity. I lied. I lied because the truth is, I am crying my heart out.

When my classmates in grade school hurt, I didn’t cry this hard. When my best friend back in my grade school betrayed me, I didn’t cry this hard. When my classmate eats the homemade doughnuts that Mom did, I didn’t cry this hard. When my class puts the blame on me and they called me to the guidance’s office, I didn’t cry this hard.

But why now? Why? Why I am crying this hard just because…because…I closed my eyes tight and let myself cry again for the nth time. It’s already nearing midnight but I’m still awake, crying my heart out. And I couldn’t…I couldn’t keep this all by myself. I couldn’t contain it more. Just when I wish for Mom, my door was opened forcedly. Then my mom’s worried face welcomes me.

“Darling…” Mom calls with her tender voice and I can’t do anything but to burst out from crying.

“Mommy…” I cried.

“Darling, I’m worried, anong nangyayari sa’yo?”

Mahigpit akong yumakap kay Mama. Tila ba sa yakap niya ay mawawala ang sakit. Bagaman nabawasan ay panibagong sakit ang nadagdag nang mapagtanto ko ang isang bagay. Mom was right. Sana ay nakinig na lamang ako sa kaniya. Sana ay inintindi ko na lamang mabuti ang kaniyang payo, ang kaniyang salita. Sana ay nakinig ako. Sana ay umintindi ako. Sana…sana ay hindi ako nasasaktan ng ganito.

Wala akong ibang nagawa kundi ang ikwento kay Mommy ang lahat. Lahat-lahat. Walang labis walang kulang. Ikwenento ko lahat pati kung gaano kasakit ang puso ko ngayon. Sabi ko ay hindi ako aasa. Sabi ko ay ako basta-bastang aasa. Pero bakit naging taliwas iyon kay Leo? Bakit sa simpleng salita lamang niya ay naniwala agad ako? Bakit sa simpleng sambit niya ay sumunod agad ako? Bakit sa simpleng aksyon niya ay nahulog agad? Paano kung hindi ako nagpunta doon? Paano kung hindi ko iyon nakita? Ibig sabihin ay mas malalim ang magiging sugat ko sa hinaharap.

“Sierra are you sure that of what you saw?” mahinahon na tanong ni Mommy.

“Bakit hindi kayo naniniwala? I saw it my own eyes, Mom. Maging si Tin ay tinatanong din ako kung sigurado ba ako sa nakita. Why would I lie, Mom?”

“Anak, I am not saying that you are lying,” matigas na sabi ni Mommy. “I am just asking if you are sure of what you saw. Nakita mo ba lahat?”

“Yes, Mom. Nakita ko. Hindi mo naman po siguro gugustuhin na panoorin ko pa kung paano nilang tamasahin ang halik na pinagsasaluhan nila, hindi ba, Mommy? I saw it. But I immediately run away because I can’t watch enjoying each other while I was left broken,”

“Sierra…” sambit ni Mommy sa kaniyang malamyos na tinig at kusa na lang tumulo ang kaniyang luha.

“It hurts, Mom. Sana ay nakinig na lang ako sa’yo. Sana ay inintindi ko na lang ang sinabi mo. Sana ay hindi ko na siya ginusto ng ganito kalalim. Sana ay hindi ko na lang siya…minahal,”

“Forgive me for not being able to protect you fully, darling,” Mom said while hugging me tightly. “Forgive me if I was late on advising you. Forgive me, darling,” she added. “Just let Mom take the pain. Ibigay mo sa akin ang sakit, anak. Aakuin ko para lang hindi ka na masaktan.”

Muli akong humagulhul habang nasa bisig ni Mommy. I don’t want to see my Mom crying. And I can’t accept that she’s crying because of me. Hindi ko matanggap na nasasaktan siya dahil sa akin. Hindi ko matanggap na sinisisi niya ang kaniyang sarili sa bagay na wala naman siyang kinalaman. It’s all my fault. Kasalanan ko ang lahat. Ako lang ang masisisi dahil ginusto ko. I let the stranger and warm feeling inside me to take control over my mind. Now, I was left in pain.

Kasama kong umiyak si Mommy sa buong magdamag at hindi ko alam kung paano akong nakatulog sa gabing iyon. Paggising ko ay wala na si Mommy sa aking tabi. Ramdam ko ang pamamaga ng aking mga mata at ang patuloy na pagkirot ng aking puso. Napabuntong-hininga ako at tsaka napatanaw sa labas ng aking bintana. Mabilis ko nga lang ibinalik ang aking paningin sa loob ng aking silid ng makita ko ang bundok. Kumirot ang aking puso pero pinilit kong huwag umiyak. Masyado na akong pagod at pakiramdam ko ay naubos na ang aking luha.’

It’s the weekend. And I am thankful that’s the weekend because I don’t have any strength to go to school. Tin has a lot of messages, telling me encouraging words to lift my mood. Tin is the very best friend I will forever have. I am just the luckiest one to have a friend like her. Not just Tin but also Suzy. She sent me messages to lift my mood and to comfort me. I just shut my eyes tight when my heart hopes for someone’s message. Before I get tempted to look for his name, I immediately turned off my phone.

“I’m sorry, princess,” Dad said and planted a soft kiss on my forehead.

“You have to be sorry for, Dad,” I said. “It was all my decision.” And then I smiled sadly.

“Eat, brat. I don’t want you to look like a zombie,” grandma jokes to lighten my mood.

I only nod at her. Nararamdaman ko ang kanilang paninitig sa akin pero wala na akong lakas para sitahin pa sila. Kahit papano ay nakakin naman ako. Mga tatlong subo siguro pero nakailang baso ako ng tubig. Marahil ay nauhaw ako masyado dahil sa dami ng tubig luhang nawala sa aking katawan. Gusto ko sanang bumalik na sa aking silid pero naisip kong baka bigla lang akong maiyak muli. Kaya naman ay nanatili na lang ako sa sala. Hanggang sa isa-isa silang sumunod sa akin.

They talked around me with light and fun conversation while watching television, but I remained silent. I am in a deep conversation with myself so, I just let them. Kanina ko pa itong pinag-iisipan simula ng magising ako kaninang umaga. Kanina ko pa kinakausap ng mabuti ang aking sarili sapagka’t sa pagkakataong ito ay nais ko nang maging maayos ang desisyon ko. I failed once. Ayoko ng maulit iyon.

Sa oras na magdesisyon ako ngayon ay wala ng bawian ito. This would be my biggest decision. And I want to ace it. I close my palm and inhale exhale heavily. Their eyes shifted to mine from the television. Alam ko namang nababasa na nila ang desisyon ko. Nakikinita na nila. But they remained silent, not opening their mouth to ask.

I swallowed hard, close my eyes and I just felt a lone tear fell to my cheeks. It still hurts so bad. I have already made my mind but why? But why it’s hard for me to spill it? Buo na ang pasya ko! Buo na! Pero bakit tila mas dumoble ang sakit na nararamdaman ko sa aking puso? Bakit…bakit tila gusto kong umurong? Bakit? Bakit tila…tila mayroong pumipigil sa akin? My heart clenched. It’s so painful. Hindi ko na kaya. At bagaman triple ang sakit, ay handa ako. Buo na ang desisyon ko.

It’s painful. It’s heartbreaking. But I must let go.

“I want to go back to Manila.”